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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 14
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Be more loving?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Is having the feelings or expressing your feelings the issue, I wonder?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 15
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:59:59 AM
finallyloving (msg 17) mirrors my own situation. I wasn't lovey-dovey at your age and in fact I think I was deliberately that way to avoid seeming too clingy. Then I met someone I couldn't keep my hands off of-- I was constantly rubbing his arm or his leg or giving him little kisses. I had this urge to take care of him, which isn't to say that he was some helpless dude who needed to be taken care of. He just made me feel it was safe to show him affection and the rest came naturally.

Don't mimic those behaviors just because you think you have to but keep in mind that most people do enjoy receiving affection from a person they like so don't hold yourself back if you're comfortable in showing it. I really feel that the lack of affection I showed when I was younger was the cause of some of my fizzled relationships.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 16
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 7:54:09 AM
I guess it depends on what kind of pampering and nurturing you're talking about. If you' re talking about serving a SO dinner at the table all the time, I'd say that's more like being a maid. But it could be showing affection such as kisses for no particular reason or subtle touches here and there or little gifts here and there that come from the heart or just saying 'love you'. To me nurturing a relationship is making that person a priority and showing it in the latter instance. OP, you're probably not lacking in that department. Maybe you haven't met the right person to inspire you in that area.
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 17
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 8:18:10 AM


I don't want to go my whole life wondering how to show my feelings and also I feel like if I knew how to be more nurturing, then my relationships would BE more nurtured, instead of lacking in that department...


First you might want to learn more about yourself. Comparing yourself to others generally brings misery or false sense of pride. You ought to compare yourself to your true best self, your ideal you, the best practical and achievable version of you. Get it?

Just out of curiosity, what's stopping you from being more nurturing? Why do you want to be more nurturing, or even more loving?

I will give you a hint: It's for selfish reasons.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 18
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 2:02:57 PM
I'm not sure I understand what the difficulty is here. You want to be more nurturing because you want to be more nurturing?

I missed the part where this is having some negative effect on your life in some way... if that's because it isn't, then you're fine as you are.

Being a good listener is a whole separate matter. That's a learned skill for most of us, and you'll get it by, you guessed it I'm sure, practicing. You may already be better at it than you're crediting yourself for; that you are concerned about this probably shows itself in the form of making an effort. That's about all anyone can really reasonably expect anyway.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 19
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 3:22:16 PM
I think some might be comfusing showing love and some nurchuring...which the Op might have used the wrong word....with babying someone.

I'm thinking we are meerly talking about showing our love openly...not smothering a person. I think most express here, we like to hear something nice said to us, snuggle, be held, etc...Some cannot at all ever show it in public, and don't even express it at home that much..I think, thats where we are at.

OP...images and roles have dominated our society untill recently, even know we are not shed of all of that..Your Mom trying to be the role of the male half in a sense, might have taken on particulars to which she thought this is how she should look. And it either set a model for you to follow, or the lack of showing it herself, makes you apprehensive to show it, for fear of puuting in too much and losing it.

Who knows...you are at the age of soul searching discovering who you are, in time you might be a bit different, maybe you haven't met the right person to bring it out..maybe its just how you are.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/10/2010 4:15:39 PM
I skimmed your reposts and have a headache so I'm not reading the whole thread, if I reiterate, forgive me.

Your mother wasn't the motherly type, which is one of the reasons that you have problems with it. My mother was I think until I hit about 8, so I don't remember her as nurturing but I either have some kind of gene for it or whatever she did when I was little, and living with my grandmother (who lived with us not the other way around) who was very nurturing probably made up for my mother's short-comings in that area.

If no one has mentioned it, get the book on the love languages because you may be nurturing in your own way you just don't show it in a way you equate with other people's way. I seem to have an obsessive need to cook for people if there is illness, death in family, or just because I care about someone. I seem to be not only passing this to my daughter, but my sons as well, as they get recruited more than occasionally in the cooking.

I think you should probably also examine if there is something that you are afraid of, like if you nurture someone, does it make you feel vulnerable? I think outside of figuring out where your head is at if you really do want to be able to show others more than you care, you just have to make yourself do it until it is comfortable. A bit like overcoming shyness, and recognize that it may never "feel" right, but if you want to be more like what you perceive of as a healthy, warm person in a relationship for a while it may mean sucking it up. But you can also let your partner know that this is something you would like to change about yourself and that he shouldn't take reticence on your part as you are working on it as a sign you don't care. Maybe it will ultimately take a nurturing guy to bring that out in you?
 aarykah86
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 21
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/11/2010 1:36:33 AM
I am sure there are factors like how I grew up affecting my ability to love and care for others... but I also just don't feel the niche, the nack, etc. and my main statement was regarding developing these qualities in relationships. I believe that as I get older, more mature, wiser, etc. these things might get easier. Being 23 is HARD!
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 22
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/11/2010 3:54:17 AM

Being 23 is HARD!


It just seems that way, when you get older you have new sets of problems....life is hardest probably when people have those responcibilities like a house and kids, etc.

Your at a young and free time of your life enjoy it now, it doesn't come around a second time.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 23
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/11/2010 4:42:20 AM
I'm with cooldudeinberlin that you should Google this. Not only are your readers here not experts, but it's extremely vague just what it is that you're asking. It gets vaguer with each post.

By searching on the subject yourself, you may find things that strike you as, "Oh, that's it!" And specifically, I'd recommend giving the psychcentral site a whirl, too.

Good luck!
 ajfedz
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 24
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/23/2010 9:46:49 PM

Sometimes I wonder why I am not more loving in my relationships. I am female, and I thought women were supposed to be natural "nurturers". Especially when it comes to men (for straight women), it seems like most other women I know, by watching their actions and how they are in general with the people in their life, appear to be so much more nurturing and loving. I feel like these are weaknesses of mine because even if I do love someone, it just doesn't come natural to act caring and to baby people or pamper them or in any way SHOW the love. How can a person develop such qualities in themselves? I don't want to go my whole life wondering how to show my feelings and also I feel like if I knew how to be more nurturing, then my relationships would BE more nurtured, instead of lacking in that department...


Sorry, there is no cure in the world for being a cold and non-affectionate person.
I don't even like the work "nurtured", as it can be better replaced by the word "affectionate"!
 JeepHammer
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 25
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Be more loving?
Posted: 3/24/2010 7:42:24 AM
While it's true you get out of a relationship what you put into it,
There is something to be said for letting the other party have some 'Breathing Room'...

Women like to talk ENDLESSLY about what ever is bothering them.
If 'She' comes home in a bad mood, she lets EVERYONE know about it from slamming the car door, to the back door, to the dog and cat...

If I take time and ask 'What's Up' about 4,000 times
(you always get 'NOTHING!' the first 3,999 times you ask)...
Then usually they will get around to putting it into words and getting it out.

For some reason, women stew on every little slight, actual or perceived, and they want you to DRAG it out of them...

If she comes home happy, I leave her alone, ask how her day was, and it's usually a fairly pleasant (and short!) conversation...
--------------------------------------------------------

With men, it's the other way around...
If they are in a bad mood, they want to think it over, try and figure out a solution, or do something to distract themselves from the issue and deal with it later.
They DO NOT want to 'Talk' about it, they want to think it through without a bunch of crap and hyperbole...

When they are in a good mood, they will be engaging to somewhat quiet & relaxed.
Nothing big going on, no 'Issues', so no reason to be talking about a bunch of crap...
----------------------------------------------------------

*IF*...
You don't know what to do...

Give a back rub, or foot rub if you are brave .
When I'm at a total loss for what's going on, a back rub is ALWAYS a good way to start things out and get people talking...

Relieving physical tension is a good way to let the other party 'Vent',
And it costs you nothing but a little time.
It certainly can't HURT the situation!
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 26
Be more loving?
Posted: 3/24/2010 10:24:27 AM
You are only 23 OP. I think you will develop those qualities over time. Right now, you need to focus on finding out who you are. You will one day find the right person who will bring these qualities out in you naturally. Just my 2 cents.
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