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Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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HOW DO I OVERCOME THIS?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Pros and Cons? It's over stop tormenting yourself asking why. It is over because it was a bad match, if you run into him walk awy. There is no need for further contact. Block his emails, phone calls and go on with your life.
Joined: 12/13/2009
Msg: 15
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:36:20 AM
how do i overcome this?
It's like this he was using you to get what he needed and now wants you to see him happy just to make you unhappy, he's playing the game it's not fair to you all you wanted is to fall in love and have the same, but sometine there he changed and was just playing you. so what you need to do is just get out there and find someone real and let that new friendship grow into the love you need and just forget all about him if you have to move some where new and start off with a new some where you can be happy he's only a guy who will end up alone remember what goes around comes around so stop thinking about the loser and go out and find someone to love the world is huge and more men for you to love. if you have go get some.
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 16
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:37:31 AM
The vote is 5/5 to delet this one too. Get ready for the swishing sound!!!!!
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 17
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Posted: 3/11/2010 9:44:38 AM

But anyways Im just wondering how do I overcome this and get him out of my head?
continue your therapy and stay on your meds.. hide your profile until you are capable of forming a half-decent, and healthy relationship.. stop looking back and start to look forward. Spend lots of time with friends and family who love you.

Put an elastic band around your wrist and everytime something negative pops into your head.. snap that band. Most importantly.. tell your therapist that you are asking advice from total strangers on a dating site and get his/her professional advice on whether or not that is the right thing to do.

good luck
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 20
Posted: 3/11/2010 10:23:03 AM
You've had lots of good, sympathetic advice. Pick out the things that make sense to you, the things you think you can do, but notice too that most of the responses have been caring ones, from which I hope you will learn that you are a good, lovable person with or without this guy, but preferably without him.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 23
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Posted: 3/11/2010 12:09:42 PM
Okay, good stuff from lots of folks so far.
I recognize this situation. Much like messes I went through myself in college, and witnessed others go through.
The guy himself, AND the ex-BF you can completely discard and evict from your entire life, because YOU DON'T NEED THEM AROUND FOR INFORMATION PURPOSES as you work out your challenges. You might think you will want to be able to ask them why they did as they did, as you can't figure out why ANYONE would be so callous and vicious to another person, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING YOU NEED TO FIND OUT.
Talk to your therapist about this, I hope and suspect they will confirm it.
The reason you are hanging onto these two, is entirely because of things you need to discover and adjust within yourself. You have been "accepting and giving," because you think you HAVE TO BE, to buy affection, or to get general approval from society. This is a very common artifact left over from a childhood, where we were repeatedly ordered to "be nice to Aunt Sara and Uncle Jack" even though you KNEW hey were royal keyster sockets, even as a five year old.
The reason everything keeps replaying in your head, is because as far as you can recall, YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT, and yet you got crapped on. And you probably DID do everything right, from the OUTSIDE viewpoint controlled by your "inner parent." From the point of view of your own best interests, you let yourself get used and abused for way too long, and THAT part of yourself is angry at YOU for being a dupe.
The thing to work on with your therapist, which will most help you both heal, and prepare yourself to go back out and find GOOD REAL friends, is to PHASE OUT your inner "parent," and replace those directing functions with a set of personal boundaries, plans, and strategies for socializing which integrate well with who YOU are as a grown up individual.
The best news I can give you right now, is that as you work on this stuff, you are likely to find that reaching a place where you begin to feel healed and confident is much closer and sooner in your future than you can imagine right now. As I said, I was where you are for a time back there. Once I started declaring MYSELF to be the one true authority figure for my life, I still had lots of details to work out, but I stopped being a victim rather quickly.
You'll get there!
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 24
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Posted: 3/11/2010 4:04:43 PM

(OP) But anyways Im just wondering how do I overcome this and get him out of my head?

Get out and date!

I know, a lot of people advise against that but until you change the last thought in your mind it's going to stay there. If a dog bit you and you never petted another dog again the dog that bit you would remain in your head because that's the last experience your mind remembers.

It's the same with any failed relationship. One does not have to stay alone and relive the events trying to figure out what happened. They were there!!

You have to acquire new experiences to replace the old ones. Then you'll feel better.
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 25
Posted: 3/11/2010 4:15:20 PM
It's been almost 10 years since I went through something similar..except we lived together for 3 months after he broke up with me and had already started was horrible for my self esteem because not only did I love him and felt like all I had was him, he had moved on and was already dating..and I had to see it! him not coming home at nite....etc!
they might take a little piece of your heart you won't get back....but one day you will look back and realize you are two different people now...and even if you wanted to go never are both different now.
for me...very hot baths..many of them...I wasn't eating or sleeping more than 2 I would take hot numb the worked wonders for me....relaxed me.
give yourself time wont want to go out and see anyone or do anything for awhile and that is perfectly okay but give yourself a goal. 3 months say....and you will take one step at a time to integrate yourself into a full life
having coffee with a friend you lost touch with, joining a gardening group, joining a gym class and going regularly and forcing yourself to talk to just ONE person in that class so you can smile each class, getting a new pet (a goldfish is happy!), try to teach yourself how to knit or play guitar....soon you will be finding yourself looking forward to things again....
and don't worry about dating. there is no rush.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 27
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Posted: 3/11/2010 7:42:37 PM
It's simpler than it sounds, the truth is until you want to let it go you will hang onto it. You will play the drama out and cling to the pain and find the same type of relationships until you really want to change, until you really want out of the type of drama you seek in relationships, until you are really sick & tired of being sick and tired. Until then your counselling is just a place for you to get attention by hurting and picking the scab over & over again. When you no longer use pain to feel emotions, then your therapy will start working for you. A therapist can't help you if you are not willing to look at yourself.
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 29
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:07:04 PM
If he was watching and enjoying gay porn then I am sorry to tell you that he is gay.Nothing you can do will make him feel for you the way you feel for him. If you truly loved him then you would be a friend and make him feel comfortable enough to come out and stop living a lie.He will never be more then a friend to you no matter what you do.
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