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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot      Home login  
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 Hippiekinkster
Joined: 1/7/2010
Msg: 56
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes potPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Masterofmind: Besides you can get 2nd hand smoke from pot, hello! Which means someone actually can get high from the fumes. With alcohol only the person who consumes get drunk!
No, you can't. THC metabolites are undetectable in the blood and urine of people exposed to 2nd-hand MJ smoke. That means not enough THC is inhaled by bystanders to be physiologically active.

That's a common lie told by people who have smoked before a UDT: "I didn't smoke any! I wuz just in the room!" BS.

There. Another BS myth dispelled.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 57
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/13/2010 5:06:52 AM

but as long as pot is illegal and ruins our kids chances of a job and future.. .. lets not teach them how to use this shit!! (nor alcohol) a 30 yr old can choose what he does.. but its up to us parents..to show them how to live!!


Actually,,,as parents it is our job to teach our children to make think and make their OWN intelligent decisions,,,,and be accountable for them. It's also our jobs as parents to teach our children just because something is "legal" does not always make it correct,,,,just as "illegal" things are not always wrong.

It's also our job as parents to not repeat generic ca ca and present it as "fact" or "truth". To teach our children to actually think for themselves is one of the hardest jobs in the world. To actually lead by example....even harder.
 guyinacorner
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 58
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/13/2010 9:52:18 AM
my ex didnt smoke. I do. it was always a problem for us. it will be for you to
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 59
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/13/2010 8:37:22 PM
As far as I can tell it is his house so he can make the rules. If he chooses not to have someone who uses pot as a roommate that is his decision.Quite honestly tho I think the bunch of kids with her would be more of an issue than smoking pot!
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 60
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/14/2010 1:53:49 AM
op, i'm not sure why you haven't returned to reply to some of the responses here...but my thoughts are this - first, relationships in my opinion rarely work when the drinking or smoking or any habits of the couple are so extremely mismatched. she smokes marijuana, you don't. you can't force or coerce her to quit, just as she could not force or coerce you to join her. it's too broad an extreme of behavior for each of you and so i believe to move in together would not work and would be more destructive since it involves her children, also, and big upheavals can be especially hard on them.

another strong issue that shows in your original post is the apparent ultra fast pace with which your relationship with her has progressed. according to your date of joining pof, it's only been three months, or less, you've been seeing her, and yet you write she wants to move in you with her 'few' children. it's quite revealing how you put that - it was not 'we want to live together', but that she wants to move in with you with her kids.

when you told her you did not want her to unless she stopped smoking pot, it sounds like it led to a communication breakdown. her reaction to me indicates someone who has no intention of wanting to quit, which is why it sounds like she over-reacted. and, as i already said, you can't force another to change their behavior, just as she could not force you to change your mind by saying if you loved her, you'd love everything about her, including her smoking habits.

so, then you end your post with asking if you should end the relationship? with your final words being, 'just want to be honest'.

then be honest. do you want to 'cut and run'? to me it sounds like it. because if you didn't, you maybe might have asked, do I slow things down and see if she'll stop smoking it for herself? or, do I slow things down and just keep dating because I do really care about her.....or, do I think about her children and what an upheaval will do to them because I know I can't live with their mom's smoking habits.....

i think you know what you wish to do and were hoping by writing this thread, you might get enough support to follow what your guts are telling you.

it's a shame that nowhere in your post do you mention you care about her, or love her. and so, in my opinion, you should not move in together, or let her move in with you. if this issue has brought to light you wish to stop seeing her altogether due to her smoking habits, then that is your choice and maybe each of you will learn from this to honour your own needs and really be utterly honest with your self long before the suggestion of moving in together appears. i say this speaking from my own experience.
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 61
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/14/2010 3:02:31 AM
You have so eloquently said all that I have thought^^^!
I do hope that the OP will respond soon!
 Kixxie
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 62
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/14/2010 5:08:04 AM
should i cut and run? just want to be honest.


If you're here asking that question, instead of talking to HER about it, since she will be the one you will or will not live with, you're already emotionally gone aren't you?


You're rushing into it far too fast. Slow down.

Exactly. If you're not sure that you can trust her, why would you consider letting her move in with you?


Secondly, if she wants to smoke pot, you can't dangle love and a place to live as reasons to quit. Thats wrong. And, she will probably smoke after she's in.

Very true. If she wants to do it bad enough, she'll tell you what you want to hear, and then the pot will start showing up little by little. And yes, dangling love in front of her is not only wrong, it's also something that could backfire on you pretty easily.


Personally, it's a mistake already for you guys to even consider co-habitation.
No way, no how.

I agree with this 100%. Stop and think about it OP. If you already know that she smokes pot and that you don't want to be around it, WHY would you want her to move in? On TOP of that, there are children involved. Do you really want to see that around the children? Especially in your own home? If she has no problem smoking it around her children. What makes you think that you're special enough for her not to smoke it in your home? Seriously, I am NOT trying to be rude. I'm just thinking about the end results and the drama that could be created in your home along the way.

#1-Unless it's "legal marijuanna", (I think that's how it's spelled...hell I don't smoke that crap), it's illegal. Do you really want someone that's willing to break the law in your home? Are you THAT into her that you're willing to risk your own freedom should she be busted with drugs in your home? Not saying it's going to happen, but you need to consider ALL possibilites prior to making a "let's move in together" commitment.
#2-Are you really going to be willing to sit and watch the kids have that stuff around them in your home? So many times, people with the best of intentions of helping someone, end up getting hurt. Not that you're doing this or would do this, but making excuses for her and "hoping she'll change" is just asking for problems.


Either accept her or don't live with her.

Yes, it really IS that simple.
 cesse le jour
Joined: 3/10/2010
Msg: 63
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/16/2010 10:51:22 AM
Boy does this sound familiar. Yeah, I’ve been down this road before. Making a loved one face a habit that is illegal or potentially dangerous to their health or wellbeing is one of the most trying tests of a relationship anyone can face. The one thing I can tell you is to appeal to her from the point that you’ll be there to help her through this process, after all this could very well be a seriously large crutch in her life. Offering to help her through this is a powerful statement of your interest in having a relationship with her and she should probably be made aware of it. If she decides to take you up on your offer than you’ll need to do all you can to help her through it, which means be patient but firm.

If however this isn’t acceptable than yes, you should let her go.

I should point out however that the fact she needs time to think about it doesn’t bode well. Pot influences all aspects of an individual’s personality and to be asked to stop using it can easily be interpreted as an attack on their mental stability. You also might not like what she becomes when she stops using if for a week or more.
DM
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 64
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/16/2010 11:37:10 AM
everyone has something they won't compromise on... and if you do compromise on something that you really feel strongly about, then it's likely that you'll just end up feeling resentful... in this case, it sounds as though she's probably going to feel resentful too - because of your demands...

if this is something you feel strongly about, then stick to your principles and allow her to stick to hers... it might well mean a dividing of the ways, which could be the healthiest (emotional) thing in the end anyway...
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 65
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/16/2010 11:43:51 AM
OP: You appear to be searching for a LTR according to your profile. What gives?

If you're straight/clean why was it "ok" before and now you don't want to deal with it anymore? This should have been a deal breaker if you aren't into drugs.

You can't make her quit. She has to want to quit.
 *closer
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 66
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/16/2010 11:48:03 AM

"where in the hell do you guys get off thinking you can tell us what to smoke?" --himynameisSarah

geesh, who was talking about you? I don't think he said that you couldn't live with him if you chose to smoke pot. Um, lemmecheck, nope, he didn't specifically invite you.

Smoke'em up! It's 420 somewhere! Just not in his house. Relax, you can have your weed and smoke it too.


LMAO!

OP,if you knew she smoked it why the sudden change of heart when she's about to move in with you? Getting cold feet and this is a viable reason to end it?
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 67
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 3/16/2010 11:53:17 AM
^^ He never did say whether or not he knew she smoked when they started dating. But I don't think it matters. Even if he did, we all have the right to change our minds!

I just didn't like the way he presented it to her. Other than that, he's entitled to having this requirement in a relationship. We all have deal-breakers... this is one of his.
 BurnTrees916
Joined: 8/17/2010
Msg: 68
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 5/9/2011 6:15:08 PM
she can move in with me..douche
 cardesi
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 69
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/13/2011 10:57:23 AM
trust me you dont want that stuff around the house or you for that matter! if you tell her to smoke outside you will have the street douce bag theif standing beside her thinking you guys are in! if she smokes it in the house you might as well smoke it too,tell her to see the doctor and get thc pill! so the kids dont she her smoking! your house dont stink! and worse standing out side having every scum bag theif thinking you guys are on there level...
 HFHYR
Joined: 11/23/2010
Msg: 70
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/13/2011 10:12:24 PM
This sounds like a test. "if you really love me>>>>"

If you allow this to be the way you work out "compromise" over the uniqueness of yourselves as you blend as a couple.....get out for both your sake.

I had a very similar situation. My boyfriend felt pot was less of a problem than alcohol and my son was 9 at the time. I didn't want him exposed to it at home (I didn't smoke) as I felt there were enough challenges ahead with peer pressure etc. I was of the belief that once you breach illegal drugs (at the time) its easier to do it again. My boyfriend was a grown adult having gone through the phases and felt his use was for relaxation only and on occasion. I only asked that it not be at home around me or my child. This became a huge issue and I think a contribution to our break up. I wasn't judging him for his use, just trying to control my space and my son's during a difficult time. he called me a hypocrite as I drank alcohol in front of my son.

People have strong opinions of these subjects and what they can personally accept as boundaries. you cannot live together without respecting each others boundaries. there may be love but ultimately respect keeps people together in the long term (in my opinion) resentment kills all relationships
 SuitedGentleman
Joined: 5/9/2011
Msg: 71
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/14/2011 10:53:33 AM
One of my greatest fears is that I'll fall in love with someone and later find out that they do something I hate behind my back. There is no way I'd be with a smoker (whether it be cigarettes, marijuana, cigars, hookah, etc.) or drug user (put marijuana in here too). While none of this makes someone a bad person, after knowing so many people close to me who use marijuana I've come to really hate it and I don't want it in my life. I don't see a problem with giving someone an ultimatum. It's giving them a choice on something I feel very strongly about. Accepting that they smoke sometimes is not an option for me. If they want to keep smoking, that's fine with me, but I'm out.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 72
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/14/2011 1:18:07 PM
Trying to get your significant other to quit something like smoking pot or drinking is never going to go down well. Maybe at first, but over time they might resent you for it. If you are interested in somebody who has a vice you don't agree with, it's best to leave them alone. Don't get involved with someone who you will only annoy in the long run with your demands.

Their body, their temple, their right to do whatever they want to it, provided it doesn't harm anyone outside. If her kids are well taken care of, who cares if she smokes in her free time.

You can either accept that she does this and let it be, or you can place these restrictions only for her to sneak it behind your back.

Someone will only change if THEY want to, for THEMSELVES. Not for some teetotaler-control-freak boyfriend/girlfriend, and certainly not while using the trite "if you love me you will..."

Don't be a passive-aggressive douchebag. Do some research and stop listening to the propaganda.
 Artof_life
Joined: 3/3/2011
Msg: 73
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/14/2011 1:21:10 PM
Been through it also, wound up ending it! No room for B/S
 SuitedGentleman
Joined: 5/9/2011
Msg: 74
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/14/2011 11:51:26 PM

Don't be a passive-aggressive douchebag. Do some research and stop listening to the propaganda.


Smoking weed is NOT healthy. Just like cigarettes it fills your lungs with tar. I've seen how weed affects people mentally and I don't like it. I don't like being around people when they are high. If I was going to have something serious with someone, I would not want them coming home high. Smoking weed is also just nasty. When my friends come inside from smoking weed they smell just as bad as cigarette smokers. It's true that it's safer than alcohol and cigarettes in many ways. But that doesn't make it good. There are plenty of reasons to dislike weed other than health.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 75
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/15/2011 4:46:43 AM

she got upset and thought i called her a loser which i didn't, and told her that if she loved me it souldn't be that hard to quit for me.


I doubt very much if the OP actually "loved" this young lady. I know part of my "love" is the acceptance of the person I have fallen for,good,bad and indifferent. I also don't tell people to "change" just because of "me" or their feelings for "me". I may suggest a change, but using the reasoning that its "about me" is silly, which is an ultimatum. I don't enjoy people that try to give em to me, so I tend not to give em myself.

If a person was doing something sooooooooo bad that I don't like it, I usually just walk away WITHOUT chickenshiat "threats".
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 76
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/15/2011 3:51:53 PM
Smoking weed is NOT healthy. Just like cigarettes it fills your lungs with tar. I've seen how weed affects people mentally and I don't like it. I don't like being around people when they are high. If I was going to have something serious with someone, I would not want them coming home high. Smoking weed is also just nasty. When my friends come inside from smoking weed they smell just as bad as cigarette smokers.


Heh. You live in the states where they're super strict about it to the point of insanity. Yes, pot is dangerous- a danger to the oil companies, alcohol, tobacco industries and a large number of chemical corporations.

It's only illegal to keep fat cat billionaire moguls RICH.

I live in the Weed capital of North America. If you don't smoke dope here, you're not a true Vancouverite. :p

I won't date someone who isn't 420 friendly. There are a ton of people who benefit from it's use. You don't have to smoke it, you can eat it or make a tea. DING! No tar in your lungs!

I certainly don't expect you to change your opinion at all.
 shmodzilla
Joined: 10/6/2008
Msg: 77
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/16/2011 6:14:44 AM
I could care less if others smoke pot but what i love the most is how they REALLY believe nobody else knows.
 SuitedGentleman
Joined: 5/9/2011
Msg: 78
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/16/2011 2:39:11 PM
Out_of_the_Ash, I used to not think it was so bad, until more and more people around me started using it. I'm around it all the time and I've seen the harm it does. No offense, but maybe marijuana has blocked your mind from seeing what it actually does to people. Yes, the reason why it's illegal is due to who loses money from it. Money is the reason why cigarettes and alcohol are legal. The government doesn't care about our well being. But with all my close friends who smoke weed, not one has benefited from it. I know two people who are addicted to it. According to them, they need it and admit their addiction. One is now clean after going to rehab because he could not live his life with marijuana. Marijuana changes people. I've noticed changes in my friends when they started smoking weed. Some of them have since stopped smoking weed, and their old self is back. It probably wouldn't be illegal if so many people didn't abuse it and only used it for medicinal purposes.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 79
just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/16/2011 3:01:54 PM
I wish PoF would delete Posts when the OP has deactivated their profile.......... Why bother......

Why? 'cause I'm bored. lol



She smoked before they got together and he was obviously aware of this.......... He changed the rules and expects her to acquiesce. Control issues, much?

OK, I'm bored again. Ta!



bullie~
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 80
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just told the girlfriend i won't stay if she smokes pot
Posted: 6/17/2011 6:56:49 PM
Out_of_the_Ash, I used to not think it was so bad, until more and more people around me started using it. I'm around it all the time and I've seen the harm it does. No offense, but maybe marijuana has blocked your mind from seeing what it actually does to people. Yes, the reason why it's illegal is due to who loses money from it. Money is the reason why cigarettes and alcohol are legal. The government doesn't care about our well being. But with all my close friends who smoke weed, not one has benefited from it. I know two people who are addicted to it. According to them, they need it and admit their addiction. One is now clean after going to rehab because he could not live his life with marijuana. Marijuana changes people. I've noticed changes in my friends when they started smoking weed. Some of them have since stopped smoking weed, and their old self is back. It probably wouldn't be illegal if so many people didn't abuse it and only used it for medicinal purposes.


Well, perhaps your friends can't handle it. It's not for everyone, and if they have addictive personalities, well that's their own problem.

Pot is not physically addictive. It's only somewhat psychologically so, and for people who are weak in the first place. Of course it is mostly used recreationally. I have not seen many changes in anyone close to me who has started it and it doesn't keep them from leading productive lives. I have heard of friends whose family members quit it cuz it ruined their family life, etc. So it's not like I am not aware it can happen. I am aware it is a depressant of sorts as well. Can make people unmotivated, etc. Well sure hope they're not using it before or during work, like some people I know, and those people also do other things that make their lives destructive.

Perhaps they haven't considered other factors that could be contributing to their problems? I don't know your peeps.

I find it funny and strange how someone had to go through rehab for it. You sure it wasn't for anything else on top of that?

And yes it was somewhat offensive to say that maybe it blocked my mind from seeing what it does to people. I am very perceptive and while I know it can have some drawbacks and that not everyone can handle it, just like with anything else, if you abuse it, well you're doing it wrong.

Just like with alcohol. The type of people who drink "too much" usually do it to forget. I do it for funzies.

Anyways this wasn't intended as an argument or debate. I don't like people who set ultimatums, especially if they were aware of the person they are involved with's habits before they started to date or at least in the beginning. Anyone who would give me an ultimatum would just be sending off red flags for future control issues and I don't want any part of that. Take me as I am or walk. It's that simple.

ferruginous: Nnn'kay, chief.
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