Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 34
Is It A Deal Breaker?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
YES

Run like your azz is on fire.

He will always love booze more than you.

Even if he is "in recovery" I would not go there.
There are more issues than the booze 9 times out of 10.


is going through failing attempts at A.A


Why would you even consider getting involved with that situation?
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 35
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 5:14:15 AM

Good morals there, you breaking it off with him for actually telling the truth. why? because telling the truth is always bad?

So this makes the guy a saint just because he was honest about something that's a deal breaker for most people?

If (or when) this guy DOES successfully begin the AA program, I believe they strongly advise that you DON'T enter into a relationship for ONE YEAR. That one year is supposed to be used to get your shit together and concentrate on making yourself better. So even if the OP were to ignore all the flying red flags and try to enter into a relationship with this guy, it wouldn't end well anyway.

"Saint" or not OP, run like your ass is on fire. Then run faster.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 36
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 5:26:53 AM

Good morals there, you breaking it off with him for actually telling the truth. why? because telling the truth is always bad?
Let me guess ... Your specialty on the debate team is deflection? Hahaha!
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 37
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 6:11:03 AM
Going to AA is good for someone that doesn't even have a problem. ... don't count him out until he has proven himself
Not sure who is saying AA not a good program. Point is, the guy is failing at it. That is the proof. If he was succeeding, he would know better than to distract himself from his most important goal by entering into a new relationship! He is giving her false hope about the likelihood of his recovery in an attempt to engender sympathy.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 40
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:37:40 AM
Hm, he's not supposed to be dating if he's going through the steps, so already I know something about him and I don't even know him.

He is transitioning (hopefully) and making a HUGE life decision right now--why would YOU want to put YOURSELF through HIS trauma?

Yes, it is a deal-breaker.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 42
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:13:01 AM
OP, if AA isn't working for him I wouldn't date him. Dating an alcoholic brings too many problems and would be a deal breaker for me. Now if he was someone who has successfully given up alcohol I wouldn't date him.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 43
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:16:37 AM
daynadaze:
If he was seriously going through AA he wouldn't be dating


Really? Why?
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 44
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:20:49 AM
i would be a bad influence on an alcoholic as i make homemade wine.. (beer soon too).

ive dated men who didnt drink.. and men who were alcoholics in denial. I prefer mr in the middle guy.

WE would be bad for each other.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 9:21:32 AM
A drunk failing out of AA? Be part of a friendly support group, but BF? No way in hell.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 48
Is It A Deal-Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:27:08 AM
Just a fourth (at least) to echo, "daynadaze said it."

One of the core precepts of AA is that you don't make any major changes to your life (if it can be helped - sometimes things like moving or job-changing aren't really optional), especially not getting into a relationship, until you have at least a year's consecutive sobriety.

So even his going on the date with you was ignoring what AA tells him is best. And they really know. Best success rate of any program anywhere.

Once someone's been sober a few years, as long as they're not "AA-holes," (if you meet enough people in the program you'll know what I mean), I haven't found this to be any big deal in dating them.

But at this stage, and screwing it up, too - oh no, absolutely not.
 ted162
Joined: 1/27/2010
Msg: 49
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:06:42 PM
You two should talk about it over a couple of drinks.
 DR_RUTHLESS
Joined: 11/2/2009
Msg: 50
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 10:00:50 PM
Good post daynadaze.
 mibra
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 52
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 10:57:26 PM
Encourage him to keep on working his issue of alcohol... and you move on. There are better men in this world.
Tell him when he gets his problem fixed, you guys can have a fresh start lol Good luck
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:52:18 PM


If he was seriously going through AA he wouldn't be dating


Really? Why?

One of the reasons that people are unsuccessful in AA and remember, the OP described the man as having failed multiple times with AA, is because he is not working the program. Whether someone is not genuine in the forgiveness stuff or whether it is doing things that tend to derail sobriety like getting involved in romantic relationships when emotionally unprepared, and likely to turn to the drink when those emotions are churned up.

By dating her he is showing yet again that he is ignoring what he needs to do to get sober. It is like trying to get somewhere but refusing to use the map in the glove compartment. AA because of the steps of the program helps people that were having no success controlling their addiction on their own. Part of this is avoiding things that create problems. The fact that he wants to date you illustrates AA failure #, how many times has he tried this?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 55
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 12:33:57 AM
Alcoholism is a choice. quit lying and negating his personal responsibility in the matter. Every dipshiat in my family has booze issues. I could have stepped in that trap, I could have ended up with multible DUI's, flunked rehabs, a criminal record, abusive drunk infused relationships, bar fights.....etc

Nope, I chose to get out. Its a personal choice. and every time he tilts the bottle he is making a choice. And it is addictive, sure, but nobody put a gun to his head and forced him to drink.

I apologize if the sarcasm and tone in my previous post didnt indicate my complete apathy for self wallowing repetua-cycle binge drinkaholics and their 'disease'

Yeah, just LOVE him, he will CHANGE for YOU. ..... {see that there is total duh statement, now go back and read my original in the same vane}
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 56
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 12:36:28 AM
its a deal breaker for sure.
 FaggotMan
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 57
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 12:37:44 AM
I don't know if it's a deal breaker... Does he have a beer belly?
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 58
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 12:38:30 AM
longhairbadass wrote [I think you should marry him

wow....i know you are being sarcastic.
you usually write the right stuff.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 4:27:09 AM
yes it's a definite deal breaker....

and it probably wasn't him shining, but the alcohol giving him an artificial coating of appearing brighter than the others....

has he shown you his alcohol-free side yet? or shared the reasons why he drinks and can't stop?

sincerely wish him well and move on.....unless you want to 'help' him remain an alcoholic....

(also please take a look within...check you don't have a part of you that thinks you can save him)

ahh..edit to add...seems the op was only on pof a week, started three threads, and is now gone....wonder if she chose the alcoholic after all....
or perhaps this was a fake thread...or maybe it was actually herself she was talking about, for her apparent naivety was a little alarming....well, guess we'll never know...
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 60
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 7:15:38 AM

Alcoholism is a choice. quit lying and negating his personal responsibility in the matter. Every dipshiat in my family has booze issues. I could have stepped in that trap, I could have ended up with multible DUI's, flunked rehabs, a criminal record, abusive drunk infused relationships, bar fights.....etc

Nope, I chose to get out. Its a personal choice. and every time he tilts the bottle he is making a choice. And it is addictive, sure, but nobody put a gun to his head and forced him to drink.


valenciacityx...i just had to repeat this as you said it so well...

it's an addiction...but it's the addict's choice as to whether or not he will sustain or imbide.

I have a friend couldn't quit...even though he tried, knew the addiction was screwing up his life, was in and out of rehab and AA, numerous DUI's, divorces, etc...for decades, until he ended up seeing the white light after surgury. Then he quit...because finally he knew it's either quit or die. He had to actually be declared dead on the operating table and revive before he got it. He would tell anyone, anytime, he made a choice.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 7:21:26 AM
It is a deal-breaker, BIG TIME, for me.
 guyinacorner
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 63
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 10:39:22 AM
wow. a guys says something like that. opens himself up to you. look how many women would want nothing to do with him. is there any harm in staying in touch. mabey not tommorow but in a year or two he might just be the guy for you.


boy I sure hope some of the people on this site never go through any hard times trials or tribulation in their lives.

give the guy a break and watch.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 64
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 10:47:14 AM
He came to you with added baggage, and that alone makes you wanna run in the other directions. It wouldnt hurt to continue to talk to the guy, and if he ever turned around and you were still available than it wouldnt hurt, but he could have a fallback and you shouldnt have to be apart of that. But he does derserve credit for being honest with you.


I tend to think he's looking for someone to rescue/enable him and being open about his problem to weed the one's who won't ahead of time. He may deserve credit for being upfront about being needy, but he certainly doesn't deserve credit for being someone who can't even make a committment to his own recovery.

Even those 12-steppers who go out/come back repeatedly can make some progress and if he's been to even one open AA meeting - let alone actually working a program - he know that it's not a good idea to date without some time in sobriety first so by dating he's submarining his own progress.

OP, it really is your choice if you want to enable this guy or not. But to me it would be a deal breaker if he hadn't had a year or more in sobriety. If I liked him as a person, however, I'd be his friend.
 mibra
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 67
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 3:29:05 PM

Whatever the truth is about his addiction, this may be his way of saying he doesn't want a second date.

good reasoning lol
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 68
Is It A Deal Breaker?
Posted: 3/13/2010 3:38:34 PM
It's only a deal breaker because he has to fix himself before he can hope to have a relationship. Just the way it is. You'd be better for him as a friend at this point in his life. It's simply not possible to go through the introspection, catharsis, and changed required to turn this around while you are in a relationship (especially a new one). Just my opinion.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >