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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > 911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!      Home login  
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 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 7
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Ignore all meanies and comments that pick this apart.

PLEASE VENT!!

He is a control freak. I married one of those..

I would gain 5 lbs and he would call me fat.. or that im letting myself go etc.

and worse..

vent grieve

take advice. or dont. but eventually you'll feel better.
 DebiDuzDishes
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 8
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:12:56 AM
I wouldnt call her immature at all.

but she is 22. Men like that will scar her.. and she will be tougher next time.

Isnt it sad?
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 9
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/12/2010 4:07:50 PM
Thank you for the positive message...I'm just stressed over the whole thing. Need to let it go for now....we did care about one another and it wasnt a fwb type thing. I wish I didn't vent on here...I'm regretting it because people are lame!! I have a lot of things to figure out...take care!
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 10
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/12/2010 4:11:17 PM
Hi, yes we are boyfriend and girlfriend...he knows I'm not over the ex. We've discussed it. He just tries to be there for me. It makes me feel bad though, when I'm with him. I don't want to hurt this new person they are wonderful. I'm 22 so you're right, I'm not fully matured, but the 31 year old I dated acted like he was my age, so it balanced out. I'm just going to try my best to move on. Thanks for the message!
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 11
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/12/2010 7:36:03 PM
You claim not to have been boyfriend/girlfriend yet you need to get over him. Maybe you need to focus on the reasons you need to get over being in a relationship with someone who isn't your boyfriend.

From his side of things, if he uses drugs and alcohol daily that may explain the mood changes. He may think he's handling things OK but really he isn't. He's responding to his temperment caused by his body crashing and then getting stimulated again. You cannot function properly under those circumstances. I realised that in my late 20's.

Drugs and alcohol also play on a person's frame of mind (self esteem). He needs to pick on you in order to feel "normal" from a social point of view.... hence the arguing in front of others.

Concerning you, you seem to be more upset about closure. Men don't seek closure in the same way women do, for the most part. You're seeking answers (closure). Maybe forget about that need for closure..... that may be the fault for your current relationships' demise if iyt ends up that way. Guessing from your posts in this thread I think your current relationship may be in jeopardy if you don't move on.

This is why I disagree with age gaps in relationships . For some reason the older person in the relationship always thinks they have the upper hand because of life experuiences... even though they may very well be a douchebag.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
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History
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/12/2010 8:24:09 PM
The basic reason people USUALLY stay in a situation they know is wrong, or continue to pine after someone they know they shouldn't, is (of course) because the BAD relationship has somehow become synonymous in their minds, with either success, or pleasing their parents, proving some hated authority figure wrong, or simply to prove that they DIDN'T waste the last bunch of years of their lives on a total waste case. There is SOMETHING along those lines in your subconscious. When you figure out what that is, and look it "straight in the eye," so to speak, the spell will be broken.
I've experienced things similarly messed up, and in each case, once I identified what I had accidentally associated with the poisonous person, all desire to be with them vanished. Vague possibility: you associate the 31 year old with your dad, and leaving him symbolizes dumping your own father in the street. When you recognize that this is what you're doing, you make your subconscious conscious, and you look and say "that guy's NOT my dad, he's some &^&^%-hole jerk whose treating me like crap!" and it's over.
 laracrofty
Joined: 2/10/2009
Msg: 13
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/12/2010 11:06:01 PM
We had great times together, laughing, joking, fishing, cuddling, going out, cooking and enjoying one another’s company. But, we also had bad times. He was manipulative and liked to put me down.
.....
If I went out with friends or decided to drink…he would call me an alcoholic. He would tell me he didn’t like my makeup. He loved to criticize me. He rarely had anything nice to say about me. He’s a very handsome, charming man, but ugly on the inside. I know he’s very insecure, but doesn’t like to show it. I feel that he has severe commitment issues and the closer we got, the faster he wanted to run.


run baby, run baby, run baby, ru-u-u-n!!!!..... or let your self-esteem bite the dust... your choice....
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 14
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/15/2010 4:20:26 PM

. One thing that really helped me was to not focus on what was good, that just makes you want it back. Instead, the advice was to write down everything that was bad. Every time you feel like your weak and are missing the person, tempted to reach out to them by text, email, phone etc just get out your list and read it to yourself.

Beyond that, get into an interest or hobby, one that involves interaction with other people. Don't be alone all the time.


this is good advice.
i am going to make my list now.
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 15
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/15/2010 7:25:09 PM
Never underestimate the attraction caused by a man being a challenge!

If you read, I suggest a book "Lethal Lovers & Poisonous People"

There are a lot of dynamics at work in a relationship that MOST people are totally unaware of. Especially bad ones, where the individuals don't leave! And in a sense, you haven't left.

Or, seek a good therapist!
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 16
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/18/2010 12:52:54 PM
Thank you so much. I'm starting to feel better...it's getting easier!!!
 Lemmons09
Joined: 3/13/2010
Msg: 17
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/21/2010 6:59:51 AM
I read your first post, and scanned the rest of the thread, so if I repeat something others have said or missed something, I apologize. (Short on time, I actually should be studying right now!)

You mentioned that the 31 yr old may be bi polar or narcissistic. From what you describe, he sounds more borderline personality disorder than anything else, but certainly people with BPD can be dual diagnosis. It was that comment which caused me to respond to your thread-I have a vital caution to give you, simply because you remind me of myself.

You have chosen a helping profession as your career, and you have been struggling with strong feelings for a man who possibly has a behavioral disorder, or at the very least is suffering from grief reaction (as you may be) and exhibiting anti-social behaviors. Try this on for size: Understand that it is your empathic nature that drew you to your career, and your empathic nature that draws you to this man. Detachment in the helping professions is essential, otherwise you end up caring too much and it interferes with your work. Loving a person with a disability requires detachment, too. You want to help, your empathy is turned on full blast, and it is complicated by the constant emotional or physical crises of the person you love, and all of the expectations that go along with being in a relationship. People in the helping professions often end up in relationships where they are counselors or emotional caretakers, they offer and give, and end up getting used. Beware of this. Develop a healthy reserve of "I need to take care of me" and use it when you feel overwhelmed by other people's problems. There is a reason why you're told to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else when a plane is crashing, and it carries over into every aspect of life.

I hope that wasn't too presumptious; and if I am off the mark completely, feel free to ignore
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 18
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/21/2010 11:30:35 PM
Update: The past few weeks have not been easy. I've been keeping busy with friends. I got the closure I needed tonight from the person I wrote about and it's making it easier to move on!! Thanks for all the feedback. And sorry if I came off as a sulky, whiny, person in my op. I was just heated and upset when I was writing it. Things are looking up! Now taking it one day at a time.-Thanks!!
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 19
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/21/2010 11:33:25 PM
Lemmons09: "You have chosen a helping profession as your career, and you have been struggling with strong feelings for a man who possibly has a behavioral disorder, or at the very least is suffering from grief reaction (as you may be) and exhibiting anti-social behaviors. Try this on for size: Understand that it is your empathic nature that drew you to your career, and your empathic nature that draws you to this man. Detachment in the helping professions is essential, otherwise you end up caring too much and it interferes with your work. Loving a person with a disability requires detachment, too. You want to help, your empathy is turned on full blast, and it is complicated by the constant emotional or physical crises of the person you love, and all of the expectations that go along with being in a relationship. People in the helping professions often end up in relationships where they are counselors or emotional caretakers, they offer and give, and end up getting used. Beware of this. Develop a healthy reserve of "I need to take care of me" and use it when you feel overwhelmed by other people's problems. There is a reason why you're told to put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else when a plane is crashing, and it carries over into every aspect of life."

Very nice post. You shed some light on my co-dependent behavior with this person. Thanks for the feedback. I like the oxygen metaphor. I am def. feeling better about this situation, although it hasn't been easy. Thank you :)
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 20
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/21/2010 11:35:55 PM
Daisymay, Thanks for the post. I appreciate your concerns. I def. plan on going to speak to someone, because I need to fix my unresolved issues within myself. If I keep living this way, I will never have a healthy relationship. It def. is getting better though. My blessings your way also.
 Lemmons09
Joined: 3/13/2010
Msg: 21
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/22/2010 2:50:45 AM
Mrclean2010 I made the same mistake after my first husband passed away. The people I tried to help were not friends of a sexual nature, but just hurting and in need of assistance. Well, I was unable to help them because I was utterly neglecting my own needs. Also, I was using them to try and fix the unfixable-the death of my husband. We are small, helpless beings in this great universe, and once I surrendered to that fact, I began to heal. And using a person is using a person-whether you're trying to help them or not.

Wishing to help others is not a bad thing, but I've learned that helping others is least effective and can be downright hurtful if our motivations for helping are not pure. Good intentions do not count, and a selfless act is not worthy when it includes harming ourselves.

prettyflyredhead-you sound like you are doing great. I can tell you're intelligent and self-aware from your posts, so I know you're going to make it fine and be better for it. As far as I can see, you're way ahead of the game. I was in my thirties when I realized that the caregiving I gave to my late husband had morphed into co-dependency with a group of vultures. Ah well. It is what it is, right? Good luck :)
 not ever
Joined: 5/25/2006
Msg: 22
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/22/2010 4:47:48 PM
geez such compassion perhaps your a fool!!
 mickeymowss
Joined: 9/18/2009
Msg: 23
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/22/2010 7:40:13 PM
This must hurt. You think you know someone, but you only deny yourself that YOU, and YOU alone made a mistake. Quit Denying yourself, it is a feeling of disbelief when you think you "found the right one" but they turn out to be "the right one to hate". If you found someone who treats you kindly on the spot, go for it, even though you might think, in the back of your mind "this ***hole will do the same thing to me". Think for a minutum, is this NEW guy, a junkie? Is he a piece of sh*t on the ground, stinking up the place? Is he confident, but not pushy? Analyze the new guy,
read carefully:
make your mind up about what you didn't like with your old relationship.
Take a stand, make A CHOICE, and stay close to your own agenda.
If you were meant to be with the junkie, then no matter what you do, he will be there.
If love was meant to be between 2 (or 3, lol, jk) people then no matter where you go, no matter what you do, they will be with you. So get focused on your dreams! Think about what you want to find out for yourself.
If it's a constant wall with this guy, and there is no 2-way communication, then there is no relationship to begin with. When the time comes, look DEEEP into his eyes, ask him what he is looking for....
If he is shifty eyed (HE' LYING)
If he is careful with his words, (ask him to explain)
If he avoids your question, changes the subject, rejects your question, calls you stupid, etc. (basically, if he blocks you)
GET UP, LEAVE, and leave QUICKLY, as if your running from a burning building. Only he can help himself, he might sounds "right" sometimes, but don't let his twisted words climb into your head.
if you keep getting this
you will keep getting this
and you will never get this

Trust your gut, because it's those "gut moments" that you make life changing decisions.
Don't believe me? think I'm a know it all?
well let me ask you this, have you tried it?
 prettyflyredhead
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 24
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/23/2010 9:31:15 AM
I got the closure I needed tonight from the person I wrote about and it's making it easier to move on!!


Well guess what? The former guy and I. had what was suppossed to be our last conversation 2days ago. I left it off as trying to show him what was wrong with our actions throughout the course of our time together. We both agreed to leave things be and my last words were take care. No apology from him...he still think's he's right. I can let him think that though...I don't care anymore.

Suprise, suprise, the next night...I get a text from him. It was a text about the stormy weather (we both loved rainy nights). He was acting as if everything was normal between us. I answered, but kept it simple. I'm glad he text me, but also not. Deep down, I think he may be feeling guilty for things he said to me. It had to have hit him after our closure talk, since it was my doing and I handled losing him very well. (His ego must be a bit hurt) He lives off the supply of other people's energy. Also, since he is manipulative...he lost my control and just wants to take the power back and mind f*ck me some more. Either way I'll never really know the truth about how he feels. And I shouldn't care. I'm going to do my best to stay away. I feel like I'm getting over it, just gotta ignore any contact from him. HARDEST part!!!
 Lemmons09
Joined: 3/13/2010
Msg: 25
911-Unhealthy Relationship, Can't move on!
Posted: 3/24/2010 10:46:22 AM
As far as I can see, you are right on the money. Be prepared for him to keep texting/contacting you-but keep it short and no self-disclosure, and polite and distant, and his contact with you will get less and less over time. What stinks is, you are still going to hurt, and it'll bother you as the amount of time between him contacting you gets longer...it's okay, it's normal to feel this way. But one day you'll forget about him for a full 24 hours, then suddenly remember him and say "wow-I went a whole day..." and it'll feel good.
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