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Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 17
How to avoid repeating the pattern?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

Obviously, I'm screwed up. So, I'm seeking the wisdom of some fellow pof'ers. Now that I'm dipping my feet into the dating pool again, how do I avoid repeating what is obviously MY pattern with men?

Keep a strict one and done rule, You can't really stop people from breaking your heart the same way, but you can stop the "same" person from doing by ending things the first time around. good luck
Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 18
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/16/2010 3:10:09 PM
its sad.. to even have a chance. you have to KEEP your HEART open..

how scary is that after feeling someone "fooled" you .... ?
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 20
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/22/2010 7:30:04 PM
^^^^^oh yeah^^^^i had a man once open up to me, under the relaxing influence of a few substances,...that he is "very attracted to very young girls"
and he meant under 20 yrs old.
he was in his 50's.
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 21
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/24/2010 11:46:03 AM
Find a good counsellor and work on it.
Barring that there a number of books on the topic. Two that I know of are " Perfect Love Imperfect Relationship" by John Wellwood and " Getting The Love You Want " by Harvill Hendrix. We all repeat patterns if we have not worked on them and looked at why we have them.
Just remember to give yourself a lot of time to get to know the fellow. Personally I have a rule not to be sexual with someone for three months and not to live with a fellow for a year. By that time the cracks in both parties begin to show and the scales over your eyes due to romance fall off. You can get a better picture of the person you are dating. Also most fellows only wanting a sexual relationship will have gone by the wayside and you are left with the fellows who are truly interested in a long term relationship. believe me a man worth his salt will take the time to know you and will wait.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/24/2010 9:23:42 PM

Both times I finally had to walk away because I couldn't continue with the way things were. With my ex-husband, that took me 18 years; this time around, I did it in just over a year.

Sounds like you're doing ok to me... and the next time, it'll only be 3mo's, and then the next time you'll be spotting them on the 1st date.
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 23
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/26/2010 1:45:15 PM
"Lilyferg" Msg 1 " do I avoid repeating what is obviously MY pattern with men?..." The first step is recognizing your behaviours and patterns. Life is a series of tests, as we are tested, we respond and/or react accordingly, whatever the lesson, we need to learn it. Failure to do so and we are doomed to repeat them over and over.

In the book "50 Ways to Find True Love" by Chuck Spezzano, he talks about where we are in life. For example, let's take traumas, let's also start at 100%, as we face stressors, we deduct these stressors from our life, I'll give an example. I don't have the book with me so I'm going to do the best I can...)

- 100% Death of a Spouse
- 73% Divorce
- 65% Marital Separation
- 63% detention in jail or other institution
- 63% Death of a close family member
- 53% Major personal injury or illness
- 50% Marriage
- 47% Being fired at work
- 45% Marital Reconciliation
- 45% Retirement from work
- 44% Change in Health of a family member
- 40% Pregnancy
- 39% Sexual difficulties
- 39% Gaining a New family member
- 39% Major business readjustment
- whatever else that qualifies as a stressor...

Soon when you do an assessment, you find yourself at -500 or -2000, therefore you will seek a person who is also at this level, regardless if the other person is way more better for you (eg. 25% or higher).

Some people get stuck in their pasts, their anger, bitterness, their hurt, and goodness knows what else. As a person learns about boundaries & expectations, they improve and hopefully choose better partners.

Start your healing journey today, learn to have an intimate relationship with your higher power and with yourself before you take someone into your life. First become the changes that you want to see in the world and you will fare better.

I've read your profile too. Stay away from negative statements, being sarcastic is likened to the lowest form of wit. Also you say that you don't know what sort of person you're seeking, what would he look and act like if you did know? I'm sure you know what you don't want, so make a list of those and find the opposite meanings and go from there. In your profile, be more romantic, include more "us", "We", "Togetherness" statements. I like how you haven't put any barriers in your mail preferrences, this indicates that you're willing to make friends the world over and that's good. Good friends define our values, they make our world.

Oh, you talked about confrontation in both of your men, you listened to your inner voice, however it took a long time. Be sure to read the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker who talks about our inner voices. Oprah recommends that every woman in America should read this book, my sister gave me one & I truly agree...

I hope this helps...


 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 24
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/26/2010 4:08:57 PM

a woman realizes that the man who presents himself so well, as a saint, is actually a compulsive liar, cheater, womanizer, addicted to something, lies about loving her, has other girlfriends, etc.

It happens so frequently from the women I have spoken with here and
other places. Women become amazed at some point that the guy they
thought they knew well isn't at all the way he pretended to be. I think
in many cases the woman shouldn't be blaming herself, unless it is
for loving these guys in spite of getting hints that something is wrong.

The worse they are, the better the act.
The last one like that I had was a perfect saint, I thought this
guy was absolutely perfect.
Towards the end he showed who he really was

whenwillthiswork26: I have to agree so much with your above quotes. I have had similar experiences. I will even go one step further to say that sometimes the better looking, financially stable, professionally stable guys can actually be some of the worse.

It is getting more and more difficult to avoid repeating the pattern, as men tend to be more skilled at being players. I think they have so many options available that they cannot commit or act in a respectable manner to anyone.

I am very careful who I date, and was recently convinced the guy I was dating was perfect, and then he showed his true colors. Not pretty at all... Then it was turned on me for being insecure and not trusting... That is an easy way to turn the tables on someone for their crappy behaviors.

It is tough, and there are no guarantees. Even the ones you feel so connected with sometimes let you down.

The good thing is you have to feel good enough about yourself to not take the blame. Continue to think positive and trust people for as long as possible. Have boundaries and expectations for how you expect to be treated, and walk away from people who don't honor your boundaries. Hopefully one day someone will turn up that doesn't disappoint you.

All the best.

 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 26
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/27/2010 7:17:48 AM
How to avoid repeating the pattern?


As a person learns about boundaries & expectations, they improve and hopefully choose better partners.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 28
view profile
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 3/31/2010 9:18:11 PM
One way to release a negative pattern is to replace it with a positive. If you keep thinking about the negative, you'll repeat it, because you haven't replaced it with something else. Begin thinking of something else until the something else becomes your new pattern. A new pattern that is hopefully happier and healthier.

Congrats on not waiting 18 more years to kick this guy out! Your learning curve has developed more quickly acute!

Now...replace the negative with a positive: What WOULD make you happy?
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 29
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 4/1/2010 12:51:48 PM
i agree...good sign that you did not wait so long with this man.
and do take the advice of some of these ppl.
read the books they recommended to you.
take some time for yourself away from a relationship.

i am wondering about the trust issue that a poster brought up.
when we take another chance thinking the new person is Not a liar and is trustworthy..
is it a good idea to trust first,
or to first give that new person time to show that they are trustworthy?
and the same the other way around...the person waits to trust until trustworthiness is shown.

it happens so often that liars twist things around to make the other person look like they are the ones who did wrong by being "insecure" or not"trusting"
some ppl are so good at faking their emotions.
but as for myself..i am still an optimist and i still believe that most ppl are honest.
but i will not blindly trust anyone anymore.
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 30
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:48:29 PM

I wasn't prepared for a couple of the personal attacks

I read the 7 responses you had received until you made this comment and I did not see any attacks.

You asked, How to avoid repeating the pattern?
If the only answers you receive are those offering sympathy, how does this help? If you were to go into therapy a good one is going to tell you stuff much more difficult for you to hear than anything that’s been heard here so far.

Patterns of mal-adjustment or your pathological roles in relationships are going to take a lot of work in order to change them. A good start is listening to persons offering more than, “You poor thing”.

You cannot just “stop” pathology. If you could you would not have been duped and attracted to the same type of person and similar situation again. You get something out of what you’ve been doing. Why you continue the behavior.

he was essentially a pathological liar, that he had essentially used me financially and emotionally our entire relationship, and that he had been either unfaithful or at least moving in that direction.

Hello? Those are many of the same traits of my ex-husband!

For instance, if you contribute a great deal financially, this may give you more control in the relationship; something you may need, even subconsciously.
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 32
How to avoid repeating the pattern?
Posted: 5/5/2010 9:45:07 AM
i like what you wrote Nice and Edgy:
about seeing your own part in the failed relationship.
i find that i can see my part only when i step quite a few steps back.
that is where my vision can adjust and i can see what i did ..the good and the bad.

if i didnt pick the best partner, may seem like it was his fault.
but really, when we look further, takes two.

we have to become more aware and choose more carefully who we let into our lives in an intimate way. and not just intimate, but also in the way of friends (male and female)
if we are aware people, who want to try to have strong relationships, then we need to find another person who is at that level, or willing to grow along with us.

i find it difficult to overcome my past (as the poster above said he he chooses to overcome his own past)
it is taking a lot of work and self understanding and self forgivesness.

it hurts, but they say growth hurts sometimes. and a so called failed relationship isnt really failed if we see it as a way to grow as a person and look at what caused the failure.
and then try not to repeat.
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