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 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 93
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Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
It's not true that sex use to be hard to find and now it's around every corner. It's always been around every corner, it's always been a big draw between people. In fact it use to be more common, couples use to date by lying in bed together (it was cold in the day or yore), with something between them (like it stayed there ;-)). Of course humans have always had sex, but birth control was iffy at best, so getting married was better than having babies unwed. But babies were often born out of wedlock. It never meant that the father was the same or that the wife was only with her husband. Just like sex, cheating was always common. But proving parentage was hard to do, heck even if you thought you had perfect proof, you may not have.

If you have to make someone commit to you, you haven't gained what you hoped for, unless you are into drama & control and are hoping for a long term of attention-getting play acting. You should be committing to each other because it's what you both want. If you think all women are out to 'get' you or all men are cads, then you probably shouldn't be dating them. Drama Drama Drama, so many problems come from people not facing their own need for drama.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 94
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/15/2014 10:51:14 PM
http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/getting_men_to_commit.html

Re-read that entire article - and switch the gender of all the pronouns around - "Men" to "Women", "She" to "He" - it isn't any less true.

The major flaw in the whole idea of "Getting" someone to commit is exactly that - people decide to commit when they are ready, when they are capable and willing to do so -- not because anyone "got" them to do it. Anyone that encourages/forces the issue before it's "time" is doing so at their own peril.

People work at different paces, different values, and different time lines - rarely is any two people absolutely in 'sync' with each other... so the decision to commit always requires a LITTLE leap of faith from BOTH parties to get to a common goal. Pushing for it to happen helps no one. Asking for it means you're willing to take that risk, too.

What I think seems to be missing a lot of the time is some serious self-examination. People want to look out to their partner for that 'sign' that they are the one, yet do very little to make sure their own lives are in-order and capable of handling that commitment themselves. The gist of that article seems to spell that out - don't ask for someone to make that leap of faith unless you're willing to do it yourself, no matter how rough the landing may be. People always seem to be willing to extend a hand out to their partner to catch them - but they'll never make that leap themselves. You both gotta jump together if you want to land at the same time.
 thundercatny
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 95
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/16/2014 7:26:34 AM
With women cheat as much as men now, sex is easy to get now- and women seem to be enjoying the sexual freedoms of our modern society too.

My experience on pof dating has shown that women arent afraid to come out and tell me they want to sleep with me way before i event mention sex- and considering i live in a city with 9 to 10 million people, and most relationships i have had didnt lead to marriage - i walk carefully into the idea of a relationship - the soul takes a toll at one point after so many heartbreaks. So i traverse carefully, because women have the same desire and ability to hurt me as much as men have the ability to hurt them. Now, we can date and she would get branded a scarlet for having 4 boyfriends in 4 years, so that means relationships have lost their value - its not a stepping stone to marriage anymore, its a "relationship" - i want to date you, you are hot and smart - oh, nah after a few years i envision a way better relationship, thanks for the ride!

So, in some respects, i guess i play the old feminine roll, where i become very selective to how i officially date. I have my criteria, and since women can chase and court me in our modern society now, i can sit back and wait for a better woman. It doesnt mean i cant commit, it just means i know whats out there - a whole different perceptive than, "sex is easy now, so why get tied down to one?"- which is way too much generalization.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 96
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/18/2014 6:40:49 PM
Nothing more than a plan for future disasters.


Here's a novel idea, rather than trying to make someone the right person and go against everything natural in the world, how about you just find the right person and everything will just fall into place as and when it all should. If the person isn't right for you there is nothing you can say or do will make that person right for you, just like there is nothing you can say or do to turn the right person away from you.

Yes, life really is that easy!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 97
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/19/2014 10:10:24 AM

I don't try anymore in relationships. They come and go.
But it's sad really. Because deep down I really do want that lasting bond with someone.

I can't believe I'm quoting YODA for this one...
No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
If you want that lasting bond with someone, you 'Do' - you don't 'Try'. A 'Try' is a test drive. When you have enough confidence and trust in yourself and your partner, you don't hesitate about anything. You Do.

Here's a hint:
That little voice that keeps chirping the 'What Ifs' and the 'Not Sure's and all those little insecurities you have about a relationship, it doesn't stop at JUST your relationship. It's whispering in your ear ALL the damn time, about all kinds of decisions.

That's why people keep preaching to get rid of your OWN demons first before worrying about others and their issues. Your previous boyfriends/girlfriends/relationships aren't holding you down anymore - you're done with them, right? You're free! But why doesn't it feel right? Simple - because you're NOT free of them - your tendencies and habits that got into the last 23-24 messes are STILL there. Your dependency of having more of the same around in your life because that is what you are USED to being around has just as strong of a 'pull' as a need for nicotine for smokers. The mind blowingly difficult problem for people is to recognize is their OWN habitual needs or wants or desires. Once you can identify them, you can isolate and destroy them, one by one.

When you're ready to 'Do' a relationship, it WILL happen - and it doesn't take a 'picker' with the skill of a surgeon to find the right one - because that's when you realize 'good enough' actually IS 'Good Enough' and a relationship is not about 'proving' yourself to each other so much as it is working WITH each other.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 98
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/19/2014 10:41:29 AM
1)the best way to avoid issues? not have any. no, seriously. handle your problems.

if you need a partner to be your mommy, you aren't worth marrying. who wants to marry a child before they have children? Well, the unhealthy person who wants a victim.

2)how to get your man to commit? be worth commiting to. not a whackjob who should be commited.

which person would you rather buy a car for the summer from, the owner of a cherry Corvette who isn't interested in selling b/c its in great working condition, or a used car salesman who is desperate to unload a lemon on you to the point he keeps chasing you down and calling you at work?

follow step one. it helps you obtain step two...tho you may decide you're not in so much of a hurry anymore.
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/19/2014 3:29:06 PM
0ldhag:

But it's sad really. Because deep down I really do want that lasting bond with someone

Oops. You better be careful there. Better watch what you say. Or you'll hear all about how you are "in pain" or aren't capable of "being happy alone" or "being ok with yourself"...you are caring about it too much, trying too hard, worrying or stressing over it.

...and of course, you're encouraging a bit of a contradiction in yourself there. You should not care about it so much or think of it very seriously? Or deep down you really really wanting a lasting bond with someone? Should "quite happy alone" be equated with...with...what?

Whazzup girlfriend?! You best schnapp out of it! Oooh, snap!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 100
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/19/2014 4:03:03 PM
In my experiences, observations, understandings-
solid committed relationships don't come about because one partner "got" the other partner to DO anything...it was a mutual, natural, organic process/progression. Yes of course this doesn't always happen with completely seamless smoothness, but nobody is figuring out how to "play their cards right" or "act" a certain way, in oder to "get" someone to do something.
And-even certifiable whack jobs manage to find partners.
Obviously one does have to make an effort to be reasonably appealing and have some social skills/graces.

Yeah, I reckon most of us do want that lasting bond-or to find it again. Why else would we be here at a dating site?
But I think it's possible to develop some acceptance, patience and a willingness to let the Universe unfold as it should. without being unhappy, desperate, "in pain". Not everyone is flying into a panic and spending every spare moment consuming advice about how to get a member or the opposite sex to "commit".

I think it's entirely possible to feel ambivalent about the whole pairing-up thing, (especially if one has been there a few times) but not ready or willing to totally ditch the quest. I do not think this mindset is indicative of some social or emotional flaw/defect.

That's why people keep preaching to get rid of your OWN demons first

LOL
Sorry, my demons and I have been together all our lives and have no intentions of quitting each other now. They and I have been through a lot together, including marriage and relationships. Get rid of 'em?
I don't think so. If there is somebody out there whose demons like my demons, we'll be golden-if not?- OH WELL...

Cindy O
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 101
Avoiding Issues and getting your Man to Commitment in a Relationship!
Posted: 3/20/2014 7:22:05 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If our demons can co-exist, I'm game:)
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