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 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 87
He does everything FOR ME.Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
it reminds me of exactly what 2 of my daughters say to me often.
and it is that they want the recognition for doing what they did.
so...i find it best to beat them to it...before they can say
"look,..i washed the dishes For You" i say "thankyou for washing the dishes"
or "i cleaned the floor for you"
it is sooo annoying...i mean arent we all sharing this now clean floor..or is only for me?

i agree with you OP..it is annoying.
i mean what is the "for you" stuff?
it is a chore..to be done...for keeping things clean, for brushing his teeth...not "for you"
but just simple because it needs to get done.

i would however, not find this annoying enough to leave a 3 yr relationship. so i am thinking that you are not happy with him for other reasons and this is one of those little things that begin to really bother you when bigger issues are at hand.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 88
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/31/2010 9:58:03 PM
just wanted to add something i now find humorous:
when i was married my then husband would call it "babysitting" when i was out and he was taking care of our children.!!!
babysitting your own children?
i had never heard that one before.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 89
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 3/31/2010 11:22:46 PM
I can't tell from what the OP has said about this if the man is feeling unappreciated or if he is a manipulative "nice guy". But what I would like to mention to you OP is this... when a relationship gets to the point where the 'willingness' is dying and you're beginning to show contempt, it is pretty hard for the relationship to work and it is virtually impossible for the other person to feel loved and appreciated. In fact, those (willingness and contempt) are the two markers I recognize as the beginning of the end - unless you do some significant work around altering the trajectory of the relationship.

I'm guessing from what you've said you haven't been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for a while. You know how in the early days of a relationship if one person makes a mistake with the other you're willing to give them some space and the benefit of figuring they mean well and just made a mistake? Sounds like you aren't willing to do that so much any more. You're tired of it and likely beginning to look for the way out. That's what I mean by the willingness is dying. I'm also imagining when you say it is hard to show him a smiley face that what's actually showing through is contempt.

When you begin to look outside your relationship rather than inward to each other, it's almost inevitable you'll be walking out the door. Where your eyes are looking is where your body will be following. I don't imagine you're all that willing to work on things anymore.

A relationship is a dynamic between two people. When you begin to tire of him doing things for you and start to kick up about it, it's going to cause him to react. Now, if what this man does to show his love for you is to do this stuff, the unsettled part of the relationship is likely going to have him do more of it, not less. It's his schtick, it is what he does to demonstrate love. When you tell him to stop doing it, it's gotta feel like rejection and you pulling away.

If we're smart about it, when we see our partner pulling away, we'll stop whatever is pressuring them. But all too often we're not so smart about it, mostly because there's so much at stake, our instinct is to step closer, step it up and try to hold on. Usually that's the worst thing to do, but instinctively it seems to be the right thing. And so one does the dance of this cycle.

You've not said what he has said about it, just that he gets upset. And I've gotta figure if I was expressing my love to someone and they told me to stop it, it would be upsetting, it would feel like a very personal rejection of ME, not my behaviour. I can imagine myself wondering how I stop being me and expressing my love in an honestly me way. I can imagine myself wishing they could just understand I don't mean it in the way they are interpreting it.

If you want to save your relationship, you are going to have to understand what's going on for him - which means putting your upset to one side and really listening to how he is feeling about you and your relationship - and you're going to have to alter your interpretation of it. Otherwise, go ahead, keep being unwilling and keep showing him contempt and take the long, slow ride all the way down to crash and burn. Because that's the direction it is pointed in right now.

Think about this: all of the good people here who have the interpretation that he is saying this from a needy and manipulative place, that he is keeping a scorecard to hold over you for favours returned, well, they might just be right about that. But you haven't indicated that he does this. You haven't said he holds "I do all this stuff for you so you should do this for me".

So maybe, just maybe, your interpretation is off. The thing that bugs you is a figure of speech that you interpret one way and perhaps he means it in another way. So before your feelings about your interpretation take you too far along the breaking up point, perhaps you should consider spending more time finding out what he means.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 90
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 6:05:14 AM

OK...clarify what you mean by "what he is doing"


ladyc what I mean is that a guy will only point out that he is doing this " for her" is when he feels that he is only catering to her and she is doing nothing for him.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 91
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 6:12:04 AM

i would however, not find this annoying enough to leave a 3 yr relationship. so i am thinking that you are not happy with him for other reasons and this is one of those little things that begin to really bother you when bigger issues are at hand
.

Yes Kailania, it's called beating around the bush & yet for many,they are still tiring to fix something that is over and done and was never right to begin with.
And since I'm living & thinking green, I'll save your breath & time, without the 10 chapters of reading & rambling, in how to put a round peg in a square hole!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 92
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 6:31:57 AM

ladyc what I mean is that a guy will only point out that he is doing this " for her" is when he feels that he is only catering to her and she is doing nothing for him.

Scorecarding. I rest my case. Anyone who mentally lists what they think they do and matches it for what they get in return is unhealthy to date (or have to deal with, frankly).

A good relationship doesn't keep score, period.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 93
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 7:45:30 AM
^^^^ it may be scorecarding but frankly the op needs to get off her lazy butt and stop being so selfish and unappreciative and start pulling her weight in the relationship.

Bottom line is the OP put herself into this situation and it is all her fault not his.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 95
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 9:12:28 AM

get off her lazy butt and stop being so selfish and unappreciative and start pulling her weight in the relationship.

whoa whoa WHOA!
Here's the core of the OT

so i ve lived together with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have up and downs. i dont like to say if his "the one", simply because i just dont like the whole term of it. when love turn to relationship, then living together, the "love" really isnt the only thing make daily life smooth and in hermoney.well, as far as my opinion goes.

there are something i really can NOT stand about him. the way he says he does things" for me". he'd do the dishes "for me", mop the floor" for me", do the laudry "for me", even brush his teeth "for me", because i told him he s got bad breath.

i understand sometimes i d like him to get me a juice, or a coffee FOR ME, or even do other things i asked him, but i just cant stand he says "for me" to make sure i knew he wont do it for someone else?? he considers all those" for me" actions meant he loves me, he said he s very much committed to me, i m his life, blahblah, but it just gave me too much pressure, and annoying me everytime when i hear him say that.

i tried to talk to him about this, and he gets upset. and i can feel the reason his upset because i m upset by the whole " for me" thing. 3 years is not as long but not short neither, and lately its been really hard to put a happy face around him. Sometimes i long the single life before him, no one to be upset around me, simple, and quiet, no confrontation.

I'm making an educated guess going by this thread and the OPs profile, that BOTH members of this relationships have occupations outside the home. I did not take the examples given in the OT as meaning the bf does ALL the housekeeping chores.
I too mentioned "scorecarding" in one of my earlier posts.

Bottom line is the OP put herself into this situation and it is all her fault not his.

No, if the OP is truly a lazy ass feckless unemployed parasite(which I'm not getting a sense is the case) then this man should be kicking her "lazy butt" to the curb. Then he could live alone and do EVERYTHING...for himself, and work the internet dating sites looking for desperate women he can con into a little nooky when he feels the need.(Damn...who hooked that sarcasm button back up!?)
Cindy O
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 96
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 9:30:24 AM
^^^^ If she wasn't being lazy in the relationship this post would not be here ladyc and also it may not be household chores that he thinks she is being lazy on. It could be any number of things but she is definitely being selfish/lazy and unappreciative otherwise he would not be doing the "for me" attitude.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 97
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 9:57:48 AM
^^^I didn't spot any selfishness in OP initial post. Perhaps I missed something, but I thought she was overly irritated at her BF constant use of "I'm doing this for you", and frankly, I don't see where the selfish attitude comes in.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 98
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 10:32:21 AM

If she wasn't being lazy in the relationship this post would not be here

Well, it seems to me that a confident man who felt he was being neglected in a romantic/so type relationship would get up on his hind legs and DISCUSS his feelings, not try to curry favor and asskiss, HOPING that his SO would somehow magically get the message.
I believe that relationships should be equal partnerships with each partner giving 100%. Granted, it also needs to be fluid and flexible with life events, but hopefully the end result is still 200% ,even though there is give and take .
However, being with someone who seems to be brown-nosing,trying too hard, trying to buy or "earn" my love, can be cloying. I am NOT talking about a man being cold, mean, abusive,parasitic...there IS a middle ground where the 2 people in a relationship are loving ,caring, thoughtful,supportive,kind to each other and that all is simply woven into the fabric of the relationship, not making a big deal out of doing stuff for "extra credit".
And I still say, if this woman is truly being neglectful and lazy in the relationship, why doesn't the guy open a dialogue with her, instead of trying to "earn" her approval and attention? Or just leave?
One wonders if the guy had a cold,demanding, performance oriented "martyr" mother who withheld love and affection,only doling it out as "reward" for exceptionally good behavior, performance, achievement?
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 100
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 10:43:21 AM
I'm not reading anyother responses before typing this so forgive if it's already been addressed.

There is some other discontent going on here. His saying he's done things "for you' after he does them tells me that he believes he's putting in effort that is NOT BEING APPRECIATED.. Tell me, what other ways to you NOT appreaciate him or what other ways do you NOT show him that you're glad he's in your life? It's called taking someone for granted, and taking someone for granted is a relationship killer. (Which subconsciously is what I think you're trying to accomplish)

I'm sorry, but you sound immature, selfish and like someone who is looking for any excuse they can find to terminate the relationship but you haven't yet mustered up the ballzzz to do it yet.


he said he s very much committed to me, i m his life, blahblah
You consider and relagate his feeling for you to "blahblah" ?? WTF! Contemptable!

Do him a favor.. tell him that you don't appreciate, love or even like him and let him find someone who actually does. Please be kind when you do it.. he's blind to the fact that you don't even care one little bit for him.. Why break him down even more by actually confessing it to him. If you believe in Karma, be prepared to reap what you've sown. If you don't believe in it.. no matter .. It will happen to you anyway and you'll find yourself trying to please someone who is unpleasable ~ just like YOU.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 101
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 10:47:39 AM

Really?
Then how does one come to the conclusion that the relationship was unbalanced?

In the mind of the person keeping score - it's always biased in their favor. IE, doing things that need to be done anyway and addressing it as personal to the SO. It's unbalanced to assign household chores to an SO and want credit for it....unless you don't live there and you clean their house but don't actually benefit from it.

Maybe the guy is ok with living in squalor, so he really thinks its for her. It's still not a valid reason to want credit for what he'll do for the both of them.

If/when a woman helps clean a house you live in - if she addressed everything she did as "for you" everytime she did it, thought she also lived there - you'd jump up and down and praise her everytime she did it? Let's use sex as an example as most men say women who participate in sex are also enjoying it. Would you want to hear everytime sex occured that it was for you only? "I gave you sex. I had sex for you."

Ya.
How did he turn out that way, anyways?
Doesn't he know that men are supposed to sit on the couch all night, drink beer, and fiddle with the remote, only want sex, while the little 'lady' does the 24/7 job of being the 'homemaker'?....

I love the extremes strategy - the one where either the SO does nothing and she cleans everything or the one where he helps but reminds her of it every 10 minutes. There is a THIRD option where he pitches in because it's where he lives and doesn't seek credit for it.

I think the OP should sit this guy down and tell him how this makes her feel and ask why he's doing it. From there hopefully she'll either be able to tolerate it based on what he says, or he'll cut it out because she doesn't enjoy it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 102
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 10:55:46 AM
What caught my attention about the title of this topic, was wondering if it was about this thing a lot of men do, whih is to rush in and "help" a woman, or do a task for her,rather than let her LEARN it.
And yes, I KNOW women can be the same way..."Give me that baby!" "Get OUT of my kitchen"! To avoid being taxed with examples of extremes, I'm NOT talking about someone standing by while their SO struggles with something that could get them-or somebody else-hurt or other serious negative consequences.


Doesn't he know that men are supposed to sit on the couch all night, drink beer, and fiddle with the remote, only want sex, while the little 'lady' does the 24/7 job of being the 'homemaker'?....

That is so not what I said.
Good men know and walk the middle ground. Good women do the same. They treat each other as equals and regard the success of the relationship and each others' goals as a mutual task. They do not attempt to hobble their SO by refusing to let them learn basic skills that everyone should know just because it USED to be "man's job" or "woman's work".
As I and others have previously mentioned,this man walks on the floors, eats off the dishes, wears the clean clothes, so why does he regard these tasks as something he does "for" the OP? If he lived by himself would these things go undone because there wasn't someone to do them FOR?
No, for some reason this guy is trying(too hard) to gain approval, curry favor, whatever...now, that said, there may be something in the OPs' demeanor or behavior that is making him feel insecure, or that she doubts his love. But fer gawd's sake,then why not TALK to her about those feelings?
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 103
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:05:10 AM

No, for some reason this guy is trying(too hard) to gain approval, curry favor, whatever...now, that said, there may be something in the OPs' demeanor or behavior that is making him feel insecure, or that she doubts his love. But fer gawd's sake,then why not TALK to her about those feelings?
Somehow I think he already has tried to talk to her. Somehow, I don't think she hears his side of things too much though.. that would be taking the focus off her needs. Which, by the opening post is all that's important to her.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 104
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:15:12 AM

Somehow I think he already has tried to talk to her. Somehow, I don't think she hears his side of things too much though.. that would be taking the focus off her needs. Which, by the opening post is all that's important to her.

Believe me, I am not blindly siding with the OP...something is amiss in the relationship. That's why I asked if he had always behaved in this fashion. Someone else pointed out that if he was raised in a home where all housekeeping chores were unquestionably the sole province and responsibilities of someone with a vagina, he might indeed regard his pitching in as going "above and beyond".

I'm not trying to crown-or slay-either party of this topic...simply pointing out various reasons that MIGHT be in play. Clearly there's a disconnect or dysfunction in this relationship. Could be as simple as she's a b*tch and he's a p*ssywhipped wuss. It never ceases to amaze me, how complementary dysfunctions manage to find each other.
Cindy O
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 105
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:22:34 AM
I think perception is everything, and I think the OP spoke volumes about her real feelings when she said this:


Sometimes i long the single life before him,


When looking through those glasses, everything a person does will grate on the other party's nerves, because the volume has been turned up on the desire for singlehood.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 106
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:39:01 AM

When looking through those glasses, everything a person does will grate on the other party's nerves, because the volume has been turned up on the desire for singlehood.

Indeed. Perhaps the relationship has run its' course. This doesn't make anybody the "bad guy" or "in the wrong". If this is a fairly new behavior from the OP's SO, perhaps he's sensing that the relationship is running out of gas and he's trying to coast to a gas station, figuratively speaking.

So, what should the OP do? Stay in this relationship even though it has become a source of irritation rather than joy? Were they married and parents, I'd certainly suggest counseling,but if a bunch of people on this thread attack the OP for wanting out of a relationship that no longer works, then I'm going to be calling "pot, meet kettle". Over my lifetime I've had occasion to draw back from situations where I feared an imbalance was happening-he was into me more than I into him-and I always found it a TERRIBLE step to have to take because I so hate hurting someone,but I am not such a saint/martyr that I could stay longterm in a relationship with someone I didn't deeply love.
It could be that the OP has the same dilemma and is seeking to get some input/thinking aloud.
Again, I have to say if they've been together 3 years and have incurred joint financial obligations, some couples counseling might be in order before they give up on their relationship.
Cindy O
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 107
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 11:51:09 AM

So, what should the OP do?


I think the OP needs to leave the relationship so he can find someone better and seek counseling for herself or learn how to not be so selfish before she enters into another relationship.
 migivadamsbusted
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 109
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 12:07:17 PM
thats funny coming from you!
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 110
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 12:50:04 PM

Indeed. Perhaps the relationship has run its' course. This doesn't make anybody the "bad guy" or "in the wrong". If this is a fairly new behavior from the OP's SO, perhaps he's sensing that the relationship is running out of gas and he's trying to coast to a gas station, figuratively speaking.


These were my thoughts as well...


So, what should the OP do?


You are correct, Cindy. I provided an observation without any suggestions on how to deal with it. Thank you, for indirectly pointing that out.

I think first the Op needs to take a time out in order to get clear on a couple of things. My suggestion would be to take a trip to the beach or the mountains, if she can afford it, armed with a journal and pen, and figure out what she truly wants, and what she feels like she is not getting. (If she cannot afford it, a short stay at a friend's house, or even family's should suffice.) It has been my experience that the three year mark is the first step when couples begin to individuate, a normal, healthy evolvement, that too few people are readily equipped to handle. I know I wasn't.

One of my "needs", is solitude. I have to take time out in order to restore. It took me a long time to own this need, because it seemed at odds, with how relationships are "supposed" to be. I projected this unfulfilled need onto my late husband in the form that his very breathing would irritate me. I had no clue that I had this need, I only knew that I was feeling unfulfilled by the relationship with no idea as to why. I would fantasize about the single life, too...

Couple's counseling helped us tremendously, since instead of holding each other hostage to our unmet needs, we learned how to take responsibility for meeting our own. That took a tremendous amount of pressure off of the relationship, and as we sought out the fulfillment of these needs, the time spent rose in quality. We began to get excited talking to each other again. It saved my marriage.

The Op may or may not be going through this. I think that until she sits down and gets some clarity about what she really wants, she is going to continue "to dance the killing dance", that so many relationships go through/to.

She might need to end the relationship. Who knows? Only she knows what is right for her. Just like her partner only knows what is right for him. I think that self clarification is the first step towards communication, which sounds like this relationship is in dire need of.

And how nice it is to have a discussion where the need to vilify either the Op or their partner in question, is removed.

Thanks Cindy.
 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 111
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 2:14:17 PM

Sometimes i long the single life before him, no one to be upset around me, simple, and quiet, no confrontation.

---sign----, just not happy with him right now.…


When persons remain in a relationship that is not fulfilling yet have the option to leave….
It is usually because you fear being alone.

Don’t let it get to this;

I hated his guts by the time he ran this last bath

I think everyone hates being made to feel they are doing it for your benefit.
It is a way of attempting to make you feel guilty and that you owe them.
I would have nipped that right in the bud.
I really appreciate when my love does something for me, without being asked, but never has he so much as implied, “I’m doing this for you”. Kind of loses its appeal if he did.

How in the world can you stand this guy telling you he is brushing his teeth for you?

I think that is addition to showing this guy the door, you need to get a backbone.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 112
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 3:32:08 PM

You are correct, Cindy. I provided an observation without any suggestions on how to deal with it. Thank you, for indirectly pointing that out.

I was just putting thoughts to computer screen,not particularly trying to point anything out or direct anything anywhere. It really sounds to me like the OP's feelings for her SO have faded. IT HAPPENS. The SO may have sensed this and is trying hard to prove himself 'worthy' of her sticking around. But it's NOT a question of worthiness...sometimes absolutely wonderful men and women grow apart from each other. If there are children,financial commitments, if vows have been spoken, they may choose to continue together because that's the least of all evils,in their situation. Or they may not. Or one partner may take that feeling of lost love and turn it into an unhealthy behavior,untilheir partner has no choice BUT to end the relationship.I'm sure most of us here have had the experience of having a LTR or even marriage just fade out ,or become tiring, boring, draining or just plain unsustainable because that deep and resonating "connection" has not lasted. I'm not talking about trying to maintain a "honeymoon" feeling, or about purely sexual chemistry. But sometimes the love is just...GONE...when this happens and everything turns out right( or as close to "right" as this kind of thing can get) the 2 people work out the dissolution-maybe not COMPLETELY without tears, recriminations and emotional pain. But they get thru it.
Now here we have a situation that sounds to me like a more onesided level of love...the SO is mad about the OP, but she's more like "yah well"...whether this imbalance has always been in play, or whether it's something that just started happening, I wouldn't dare to speculate. It might be sort of a combination of both. The OP may have been doing her honest best, for WHATEVER reason, to make this be a "forever" kind of a relationship, but she just can't keep forcing feelings that are no longer there. What would you have her do? Stay with the guy and milk the situation for all it's worth,forfreakinever? I happen to know quite a few women around my age range who did EXACTLY that. In a few cases, love actually DID show up and grow, in others there were a variety of less wonderful outcomes.
Again, it seems to be another illustration of how Adventures in Modern Dating is actually an exercise in being damned if you do, damned if you don't....for BOTH genders. I can understand why people throw up their hands and say "Enough already! Being single and not dating is a better option than having everything you do be WRONG. "
Cindy O
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 113
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/2/2010 2:09:29 PM
In my estimation OP either your BF is saying this to either

Let you know how much he cares or
He's trying to make you feel guilty.

If he trying to make you feel guilt then shame on him. But as some has said, maybe he's feeling something is up with you and trying to please you. But if he did it long into the past, maybe he's trying to make you feel special. But time has worn on and that thing you may have found endearing has become annoying.
These times come in relationships of length. Maybe its time both of you seek out other interests and spend more time apart. You may just be getting on each others nerves a bit. Or seek some counselling maybe. If you get too far down the path of resenting each other, you may not be able to get back to a place where you appreciate and respect each other.

It sounds like you have lost some respect for him. Could it be that this guy has become a doormat for you by doing too much? I've found that people who do too much for someone tend to get disrespected, partly due to no control on boundaries. Like running a bath for instance- This sounds like something a servant would do on a long term basis for their master.

I notice you have children OP. Are these children from your current boyfriend? Are you living with you?

If they are not his children, maybe he's trying to tell you something as well.....

Just saying.....
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 114
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/2/2010 2:21:28 PM
Perhaps you should sit down and have a good long conversation with this man and findout why he is doing this, thou I'm sure it would have been better to do this when the behaviour started. Is it an attempt to hold onto the relationship, does he feel like he isn't appreciated, then tell him honestly how it makes you feel when he does this to you. Be honest, ask questions and maybe you can salvage this, if he gets angry and won't answer your questions, then at least you tried and can walk away knowing he has no desire to change.
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