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 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 110
He does everything FOR ME.Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Indeed. Perhaps the relationship has run its' course. This doesn't make anybody the "bad guy" or "in the wrong". If this is a fairly new behavior from the OP's SO, perhaps he's sensing that the relationship is running out of gas and he's trying to coast to a gas station, figuratively speaking.


These were my thoughts as well...


So, what should the OP do?


You are correct, Cindy. I provided an observation without any suggestions on how to deal with it. Thank you, for indirectly pointing that out.

I think first the Op needs to take a time out in order to get clear on a couple of things. My suggestion would be to take a trip to the beach or the mountains, if she can afford it, armed with a journal and pen, and figure out what she truly wants, and what she feels like she is not getting. (If she cannot afford it, a short stay at a friend's house, or even family's should suffice.) It has been my experience that the three year mark is the first step when couples begin to individuate, a normal, healthy evolvement, that too few people are readily equipped to handle. I know I wasn't.

One of my "needs", is solitude. I have to take time out in order to restore. It took me a long time to own this need, because it seemed at odds, with how relationships are "supposed" to be. I projected this unfulfilled need onto my late husband in the form that his very breathing would irritate me. I had no clue that I had this need, I only knew that I was feeling unfulfilled by the relationship with no idea as to why. I would fantasize about the single life, too...

Couple's counseling helped us tremendously, since instead of holding each other hostage to our unmet needs, we learned how to take responsibility for meeting our own. That took a tremendous amount of pressure off of the relationship, and as we sought out the fulfillment of these needs, the time spent rose in quality. We began to get excited talking to each other again. It saved my marriage.

The Op may or may not be going through this. I think that until she sits down and gets some clarity about what she really wants, she is going to continue "to dance the killing dance", that so many relationships go through/to.

She might need to end the relationship. Who knows? Only she knows what is right for her. Just like her partner only knows what is right for him. I think that self clarification is the first step towards communication, which sounds like this relationship is in dire need of.

And how nice it is to have a discussion where the need to vilify either the Op or their partner in question, is removed.

Thanks Cindy.
 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 111
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 2:14:17 PM

Sometimes i long the single life before him, no one to be upset around me, simple, and quiet, no confrontation.

---sign----, just not happy with him right now.…


When persons remain in a relationship that is not fulfilling yet have the option to leave….
It is usually because you fear being alone.

Don’t let it get to this;

I hated his guts by the time he ran this last bath

I think everyone hates being made to feel they are doing it for your benefit.
It is a way of attempting to make you feel guilty and that you owe them.
I would have nipped that right in the bud.
I really appreciate when my love does something for me, without being asked, but never has he so much as implied, “I’m doing this for you”. Kind of loses its appeal if he did.

How in the world can you stand this guy telling you he is brushing his teeth for you?

I think that is addition to showing this guy the door, you need to get a backbone.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 112
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/1/2010 3:32:08 PM

You are correct, Cindy. I provided an observation without any suggestions on how to deal with it. Thank you, for indirectly pointing that out.

I was just putting thoughts to computer screen,not particularly trying to point anything out or direct anything anywhere. It really sounds to me like the OP's feelings for her SO have faded. IT HAPPENS. The SO may have sensed this and is trying hard to prove himself 'worthy' of her sticking around. But it's NOT a question of worthiness...sometimes absolutely wonderful men and women grow apart from each other. If there are children,financial commitments, if vows have been spoken, they may choose to continue together because that's the least of all evils,in their situation. Or they may not. Or one partner may take that feeling of lost love and turn it into an unhealthy behavior,untilheir partner has no choice BUT to end the relationship.I'm sure most of us here have had the experience of having a LTR or even marriage just fade out ,or become tiring, boring, draining or just plain unsustainable because that deep and resonating "connection" has not lasted. I'm not talking about trying to maintain a "honeymoon" feeling, or about purely sexual chemistry. But sometimes the love is just...GONE...when this happens and everything turns out right( or as close to "right" as this kind of thing can get) the 2 people work out the dissolution-maybe not COMPLETELY without tears, recriminations and emotional pain. But they get thru it.
Now here we have a situation that sounds to me like a more onesided level of love...the SO is mad about the OP, but she's more like "yah well"...whether this imbalance has always been in play, or whether it's something that just started happening, I wouldn't dare to speculate. It might be sort of a combination of both. The OP may have been doing her honest best, for WHATEVER reason, to make this be a "forever" kind of a relationship, but she just can't keep forcing feelings that are no longer there. What would you have her do? Stay with the guy and milk the situation for all it's worth,forfreakinever? I happen to know quite a few women around my age range who did EXACTLY that. In a few cases, love actually DID show up and grow, in others there were a variety of less wonderful outcomes.
Again, it seems to be another illustration of how Adventures in Modern Dating is actually an exercise in being damned if you do, damned if you don't....for BOTH genders. I can understand why people throw up their hands and say "Enough already! Being single and not dating is a better option than having everything you do be WRONG. "
Cindy O
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 113
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/2/2010 2:09:29 PM
In my estimation OP either your BF is saying this to either

Let you know how much he cares or
He's trying to make you feel guilty.

If he trying to make you feel guilt then shame on him. But as some has said, maybe he's feeling something is up with you and trying to please you. But if he did it long into the past, maybe he's trying to make you feel special. But time has worn on and that thing you may have found endearing has become annoying.
These times come in relationships of length. Maybe its time both of you seek out other interests and spend more time apart. You may just be getting on each others nerves a bit. Or seek some counselling maybe. If you get too far down the path of resenting each other, you may not be able to get back to a place where you appreciate and respect each other.

It sounds like you have lost some respect for him. Could it be that this guy has become a doormat for you by doing too much? I've found that people who do too much for someone tend to get disrespected, partly due to no control on boundaries. Like running a bath for instance- This sounds like something a servant would do on a long term basis for their master.

I notice you have children OP. Are these children from your current boyfriend? Are you living with you?

If they are not his children, maybe he's trying to tell you something as well.....

Just saying.....
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 114
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/2/2010 2:21:28 PM
Perhaps you should sit down and have a good long conversation with this man and findout why he is doing this, thou I'm sure it would have been better to do this when the behaviour started. Is it an attempt to hold onto the relationship, does he feel like he isn't appreciated, then tell him honestly how it makes you feel when he does this to you. Be honest, ask questions and maybe you can salvage this, if he gets angry and won't answer your questions, then at least you tried and can walk away knowing he has no desire to change.
 RRMIC
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 116
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/6/2010 5:39:06 AM
Wow! This was my marriage. The scorecarding, the For You. I used to do everything For You. Then I stopped. Then I was lazy. Now I am happy to be single again. I will miss staying at home with the kids during the day sleeping a few hours in the evening, and working all night more than she will ever know. I wanted a Thank You. But now I am happy. I can find someone who likes that.
 glamazon girl
Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 117
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 4/6/2010 7:01:00 AM
My ex used to do that all the time. I did the dishes for you. I put the clothes in the dryer for you. I picked my clothes up off the floor for you., etc. I would drive me nuts. We finally had a long talk about it. When I asked why he constantly did that, he said he wanted to make sure I realized that he helped too.

For me, before that talk, I didn't say thank you for taking a turn at doing the dishes or handling the laundry. Not because I was unappreciative but because he (and I) were doing the things that had to be done to keep our household running smoothly. However, he really had a need to be acknowledged for those things. So, we agreed, he would drop the "for you" part and we would BOTH say thank you to the other every day for the things we each did.

If you are living together, the only time "for you" should come into play is when it really is for you. Going somewhere or picking up something specifically for you. Take over a task that you had planned to do to make your day easier. Biggest thing I learned, a sincere thank you goes a very long way.
 Melannie1
Joined: 6/4/2011
Msg: 118
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/18/2011 4:39:33 PM
It sounds like you are use to being treated not so good and this fellow appears to be the direct opposite to what you are use to. How do you really feel about yourself? Do you have high self esteem? Do you feel worthy of what he is doing for you?. Don't take it out on him just because you do not feel good about yourself. Take a class on self esteem and let him into your life and treat you like a princess. I hope this helps
 Exjrsygrl
Joined: 4/11/2010
Msg: 119
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/18/2011 5:36:12 PM
Melannie, I feel that what she is trying to say is household chores are not only a womans job. It's the old fashioned kind of thinking that leads to statements like what she described. There are quite a few women who get annoyed when it is presumed that it is OUR job only. She said she is thankful that he does these things, so she's not pushing the "nice guy" away. It would be like her saying "I went to work for you" it's absurd!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 120
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/18/2011 10:08:41 PM
Msg.1:
I understand where you are coming from, yes there are some people like your boyfriend, they" make a big deal that they are doing all things
FOR YOU". I heard a husband said to his wife ( my friend and I was visiting )*,yes I am changing into a fresh jeans to make you happy,Are you happy now*??.I discreetly felt contempt for the guy..
That kind of attitude makes love flew out the window... It is a big turn off ..
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 121
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 10:47:05 AM
I've cured that problem by realizing that everything anyone does is for self-interest, even if that self-interest is just feeling good about doing someone a favor. Once you stop buying into the martyr crap and realize that he's doing what he's doing for what HE gets out of it, you'll realize that he's either trying to manipulate you with a guilt trip or he's delusional and needs professional help.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 122
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 1:13:29 PM
I'm going mostly with what abelian said. The "mostly" is because I can't quite completely agree with him about "everything anyone does is for self-interest"-but I do concede that it's a fairly common behavior pattern among humans.
I'd go more with the "guilt trip" idea than the delusional one, I guess.

It was pointed out earlier in the topic that many of these tasks the bf does "for you"( the OP) are in fact connected with the place HE also lives in , the meals he eats, clothes he wears.
Wonder what it would be like if the gf came home every day and announced " I made money today to help you in your role of supporting both of us,FOR YOU."
Cindy O
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 123
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 2:21:02 PM
I don't understand why saying "I did this for you" would be so upsetting... if someone wants to come and clean my floors and do household chores I'd gladly let it be for me and give them a huge "thank you" for them in return.

Seems to me like the guy is seeking her approval, not trying to lay on guilt.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 124
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 2:55:04 PM

Seems to me like the guy is seeking her approval, not trying to lay on guilt.

That in itself gets old really fast.
 SpareAir
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 125
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 3:37:34 PM
If I understand you correctly, it is not so much that you mind the things he does for you, but you mind that he constantly "throws it in your face" by saying," I do this for you"

If this is the case talk to him about it and convey what bothers you and be specific. If he gets upset when you try to talk about it, you have two options: 1. you can break up with him 2. you can live with it.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 126
view profile
History
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 4:10:56 PM
Old thread, yes, but certainly indicative of the personal nature of interpretation.
Kindness or controlling behavior? All depends.

These fora certainblty are what I have long suspected they are: an education in human nature.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 127
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/19/2011 11:59:59 PM

there are something i really can NOT stand about him. the way he says he does things" for me". he'd do the dishes "for me", mop the floor" for me", do the laudry "for me", even brush his teeth "for me", because i told him he s got bad breath.

Sounds quite odd......i do dishes because i like to eat off clean plates, i mop the floor because i want it clean, i do laundry because i want clean clothing, i brush my teeth bcause it is basic hygeine, i dont get how one does those things "for" someone else. In my world that is justs stuff you do becaause it has to be done. Im not sure why he wants a medal for doing stuff that practically everyone, even kids, do on a daily basis.

And i agree with Igors post, many people who frequently utter the words "i do this for you, or i did that for you", are manipulative and just plain...douchey.
 marcus_biggs
Joined: 4/2/2011
Msg: 128
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/20/2011 10:44:20 AM
he shows you it's for YOU because he isn't gonna do that for someone else. and he knows you can DAMN WELL DO THOSE THINGS FOR YOURSELF YOU LAZY WOMAN. your not even asking him to do things for you, that you CAN"T do.

STOP BEING SO ABUSIVE.

and enjoy the gift, that is HIM in your LIFE still!!! he CHOSE you! and still CHOOSES to DO those things for YOU, when he doesn`t HAVE TO.

enphasis on FOR YOU!! sounds to me like your bored of making this guy into a pus.sy. and your tired of enjoying it. you don`t even sound like you care that he CHOSE to commit himself to you.

it`s women like you, that i`m glad i didn`t choose to live with a girl so she can abuse my kindness like that. i`m surprised he`s not out giving his time to other women yet, from the way you sound.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 129
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/22/2011 11:07:38 PM

and he knows you can DAMN WELL DO THOSE THINGS FOR YOURSELF YOU LAZY WOMAN.
And why should she have to do all those things herself? Does he not live there too? Does he not contribute to the mess? Is having a clean hygenic mouth not for his benefit, only for hers? Is she supposed to be his servant that she does all the cleaning etc and bows at his feet when he actually moves his backside off the couch to clean up some of the mess that HE contributed too... Good Grief.... Who is the lazy one????

It's great that he does those things... but rubbing it in her face about how great he is...Meh..

Why is it that a woman is expected to do the household chores but many men expect praise for doing the same thing, especially in todays society when both of them usually work full time jobs?
 pretty_songs
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 130
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/22/2011 11:13:40 PM
If I was him, I'd be upset with you too. He obviously loves and is sensing that there has become a drift between the two of you so he wants to prove to you that he is trying to make this work. In my opinion, it seems like you are making an excuse to be mad at him. Maybe you should re-evaluate your situation.
 Magic_Fish
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 131
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/24/2011 4:41:19 AM
I can relate to this statement.

At one point during the dating stage of my last LTR, we were in the car running errands and he was talking about doing things ‘for me’. I had to tell him to stop it – had to tell him that his ‘hunny-do list’ was long enough. There were two things that I really wanted done and he truly could have done that ‘for me’. He had the skill set, the knowledge and the tools to do it. After one year of co-habitation, the ‘for me’ things were not progressing (actually nothing was ever done), so I decided to take matters into my own hands and went to a body shop for one of those items. WELL, that caused a full week of no communication on his part. His nose was out of joint because I went outside the relationship to get’er done.

Like the OP, he would point out when he vacuumed his house or washed his floors. Heck, my name was not even on the damn title to his house.

I now believe that he only said those things to get me to move in with him and pay half his mortgage. Gawd I was a fool. I see he’s back here looking to fill my old position. I wish him well and pity his next maid/cook/hoe.

As others have said, if you mess up things together, you clean/fix things ‘for us’ not ‘for you’ or ‘for me’.

My bottom line, if a guy does things for me because I don’t have the knowledge or skill to do it, then yes that’s ‘for me’. Anything else, he’s doing it for us and the same applies for me. I can’t change a tire, but can sure as heck wash the vehicle attached to it 'for us'. I know my limits.

MF
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 132
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/24/2011 9:16:16 AM
he shows you it's for YOU because he isn't gonna do that for someone else. and he knows you can DAMN WELL DO THOSE THINGS FOR YOURSELF YOU LAZY WOMAN. your not even asking him to do things for you, that you CAN"T do.

STOP BEING SO ABUSIVE.


LOL... but also, how is asking him to brush his teeth abusive??? How is him doing the dishes, or taking the garbage out, ABUSIVE?? Thats the dumbest thing I've read on here in awhile. Good job.

Edit: after reading your history... My above comment stands even more.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 133
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/24/2011 9:31:04 AM
You have been with him for 3 years, is it all of a sudden annoying you?
I appreciate when someone wants to do things for me, it rarely happens.
I also know that if someone really wants to do things for YOU, they will do things,
that you want or need them to do.
If they just want to do things on their terms, than this is not giving it is manipulation.
If you want to truly give something to someone for the sake of giving than you will give what they need and desire, without terms attached.
I would examine your mood and check yourself as far as your interest level in your
partner right now.
Relationships survive on a zig zag curve, and you may be low in interest right now.
Sometimes when people are annoyed it is because they are unhappy period.
Maybe a vacation or a little get away is in order.
If he is just too possesive good luck with that one, I am not sure you can talk that out of people.
He may need something from you desparately that he is not getting, so he is try too hard.
Maybe looking at him as an individual with needs for awhile might be enlightening.
I don't know but these are my suggestions.
 ddj777
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 136
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/24/2011 3:07:23 PM
Can't he just get coffee and do the dishes with his fricken mouth shut? "I did the dishes, "for you."? What's wrong with this picture. Doesn't he live there too? If you're both working outside the home then he darn well should be pitching in with the dishes. Tell him do just help with the chores and shut the F up already.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 137
He does everything FOR ME.
Posted: 6/25/2011 6:12:40 AM
I think if people took the time to understand why someone does things, rather than
Picking it apart or thinking only in terms of themselves, that they might just see that we all have different ways of expressing how we care about others. I feel his is apparently acts of service. He probably grew up in a family doing good things and never hearing a thankyou or any form of acceptance. It's likely habit for him to state that he's doing it for someone. I'd accept it at face value.
Sounds more like OP is looking for excuses and really trite things to
Pick on.
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