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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal break      Home login  
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 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 17
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Firstly I accidentally had an affair. Lasted about a month... and although Id known the guy through work for a couple of years... there was zero indication he'd been in a relationship for 8.
The absolute moment I found out... I broke it off


you showed integrity.
it must have been painful for you to find out that he was married and you had the strenght to then break it off and do the right thing.

that is why i added my note about it the other person does Not know they are married.
your man must have been a good liar.
i mean all that time at the same place of employment and he never mentions his wife..
seems like he wanted to appear to be single.
i feel sorry for his wife.

cheaters get me so angry.
there was a man in my life who did not cheat on me.
but he cheated on his ex wife.
for some reason it bothered me so much.
i just couldnt stand it...to hear all of his reasons and rationalizations.
it disgusted me.

i will never go out with someone who has a past history of cheating.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 18
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/3/2010 4:28:16 AM

Though I detest infidelity in marriage I also understand how some people do grow apart and will drift away. Nothing can justify many things people do in life but we do not walk in their shoes. There are so many influences we have to tolerate or learn to accept every day. Being judgmental without looking at the mitigating circumstances or the real person within could cause you to miss a wonderful life/relationship.

^^^Well stated.
I've never cheated on someone and never will; although it has happened to me twice in the smattering of relationships I've had. What that high occurrence rate tells me in my own life, and what the numbers suggest regarding the percentage of cheaters out there, is that there's a whole lot of cheating going on, somewhere---all the time. Given that, to me anyway, keeping an open mind and considering circumstances case-by-case might be a wise approach, for those who are able.

Further, it seems almost impossible to me to imagine a scenario where someone who's just finished a relationship with another is going to broadcast that the demise of it was due to their cheating on their partner; but I bet it happens. Generally though I think that most times if/when people disclose this kind of stuff in a new relationship, it is later on... when there has already been some investment already made in getting to know that person. jmo
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 19
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/3/2010 1:12:37 PM

Too, some men have simply never been approached by a hot sexy woman who wants him. It is easy for a man to succumb to such influences if he does not have a strong love and relationship with his wife and especially if he is not getting the respect and love he deserves at home.


sure now...lets blame it on the poor guy who cant resist the sexy woman.
lets see....that is a reason to excuse cheating?
did the hot sexy woman approaching him KNOw or not know that he is married?
was there a ring on his finger?
did he tell her he has a wife?
or did he lie and behave single?
so...as the original post.....this hot sexy woman is as equally to blame.
HOMEwrecker i say.
if she didnt know he was married...how about he tell her!!!! he knows.

may be the more honest approach is to go home and have some long talks together with his wife...
even go to a counselor..to get their relationship back on track...
and if he then starts getting the "respect and love he deserves at home" will he turn down the hot sexy woman who wants to be with a married man?

probably not...since his reasons for cheating are all rationalizations...he will still go for the hot babe anyway and find another way to rationalize his degrading disrespectful behaviour.
he just wanted to get layed by the hot sexy woman and did not have the moral or value system or Respect or Love for his Wife to say no.
quit all the excuses. get a reality check.
the guy got turned on and wanted a piece.
he didnt give a shyt about his wife at the time.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 20
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/4/2010 2:10:53 PM

I wonder how you'd even know, without asking very specifically. When I date someone, I relate as little information about previous women I've dated as possible, so why would their marital status even enter the conversation?


Likewise for me.. I do not think this would come into any conversation either? I am trying to imagine though lasting more than two or three dates here?

Perhaps it might come into some conversation at a later date just in passing?

I assume by whatever time that was I would already know the person well enough to decide if I wanted a relationship with them or not..

thecatsmeoww
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 21
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/4/2010 2:17:24 PM
It would work for me ... As long as my hubby didn't find out!
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 22
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/4/2010 3:19:16 PM

People who cheat will blame the relationship, or the other person. Because they don't have the ability to look at themselves and fix the problems within themselves that is broken.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Until they take the steps needed to figure out the reasons that lead them to stray, and are 100% committed to the hard work, and time it takes to fix themselves. Sadly very few are that self aware the problem is them..


I tend to agree with you.. However we do not know if he knew before getting involved that the woman was in fact married.. It is entirely possible he found this out afterwards. I would have to really know the entire story..

I am also not entirely sure a cheater can be fixed.. Even though he was not the one that took the vow he showed he valued it little if he knew when he got involved she was in fact married..

Can't tell you how many times I breath a sigh of relief these days when I see fellow married classmates of mine on the prowl with every single woman they can find.. I just hope and pray not a single one of them takes them up on it..

thecatsmeoww
 forumfishee
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 23
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/5/2010 5:04:50 AM

Seriously...does this question even need to be asked? I mean, really?


It shouldn't have to be asked...but considering the amount of people who choose to put themselves in this situation I had to.

I often wonder what people tell themselves when they do things to other people that they wouldnt want done to themselves?? How do they rationalize their behavior in their head to make it ok?
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 24
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/5/2010 7:55:44 AM
How would there new SO even know they did this? you should not be discussing past relationship with your new SO. This would not be the deal breaker for me, what would be the deal breaker is the fact that they brought up a past relationship and that is a huge no no for me.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 25
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/5/2010 8:52:16 AM

Who's saying "Whatever" or "No big deal"? Those of us say it's not an automatic dealbreaker just don't set ourselves up as judge, jury & executioner over others without knowing the details. I'd find someone with the kind of unyielding judgmental dogmatism expressed in some of the replies here more intrinsically offputting than someone who'd been involved in another person's extramarital activities.

^^^Well stated. Completely agree.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/5/2010 8:55:04 AM
funtalkonly: Your rather lengthy description seems to say you "did NOT have sex with that woman," but you feel guilty enough about it anyway that you are talking about it in the context of cheating. The fact that you feel THAT guilty makes wonder if there really was more to it that you decribe, perhaps you CONSIDERED following up with her and having an afair. If all that happened was that you were propositioned and said no, then functionally, nothing happened. So why the need to ask who is to blame?
I still think that it IS clear cut, either someone knowingly has relations with someone outside their agreed relationship or not. It's just like stealing, or any other sort of crime: the amount of TEMPTATION has nothing to do with whether or not you DID it.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 27
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/5/2010 10:15:43 AM

Who's saying "Whatever" or "No big deal"? Those of us say it's not an automatic dealbreaker just don't set ourselves up as judge, jury & executioner over others without knowing the details. I'd find someone with the kind of unyielding judgmental dogmatism expressed in some of the replies here more intrinsically offputting than someone who'd been involved in another person's extramarital activities.


The only "details" that would have any bearing on the situation would be whether or not they knew the other person was married, and once they found out, if they stayed in that relationship.

It would be a dealbreaker for me if someone was knowingly involved with a married person.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 28
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/5/2010 10:59:44 AM
Cool!!

Is this the thread where everyone gets to posture about how much better they are than all those other people who aren't as good as them?

Aren't super-heroes supposed to be out fighting crime, or something?
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 29
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 12:28:22 AM
cheating is a mistake?
no...it is a concious choice...
unless one person did not know the other was involved..
that person was lied to by the cheater.

it is also a choice as to whether or not one wants to get involved with a person who has a history of cheating.
i tend to agree...maybe..that if a person cheated once (one TIME..not one affair that lasted long) ...regretted it..
and never did it again
that is different from a habitual cheater.
although..even one time is one time too many IMO
the pain that cheating puts out is immense..

i cannot relate to people who continue to cheat...and have little problems with doing so.
how do they look at themselves every day and feel good inside?
cheating is cheating even if no one Ever finds out.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 30
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 8:47:17 AM
Come on, ferruginous ... Of course it can be an accident! I recall an EX BF telling me how his cheating "just happened." I replied that I could understand how, on a lovely breezy spring afternoon, he was indulging in a casual stroll allong the banks of the beautiful South Platte River. The day was so full of stimulating scents and sensations, he couldn't help but get a full erection. At the same time, approaching from the opposite direction, came the loveliest of lasses, wearing a sun dress with no panties. Unfortunately, she tripped and slid on the walking path ... Ending up under my BF, with her diaphanous dress caught up around her waist, her legs akimbo, and knocked him down. His pants split at the seam allowing his rod to emerge. Luckily, he was able to catch himself on his hands and knees, but unfortunately, not before the tip of his penis had entered the delectable woman beneath him. To avoid any awkwardness, it only seemed appropriate to bring the act to it's climactic conclusion. That is the least he could do by way of showing his remorse for nearly crushing her. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, after all.

I must assume this is exactly the manner in which his indiscretion was initiated, since, when I proffered the explanation, he looked at me with a shocked and slack-jawed expression with no denials. Obviously, I was on the money!
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 31
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 9:19:40 AM
Jayzus - we're not talking about separated people, Dave, or the Marriott bartender who had a one night stand with a traveling business-man who removed his ring. Some people will go to great lengths to rationalize Abhorrent or socially repugnant behavior.

I saw Joslyn James on TV opining that she thought it was too soon to return to golfing and that Tiger should "be with his family." OMG!! Wonder if that was where she thought he should be while she was riding his pony!! Love how the cheaters can suddenly impose their high ground morality on others. Haha! Guess she doesn't like to be out of the spotlight, so she will say the most absurd things to get attention.

Cheaters who feel they can provide mitigating circumstances to justify their behavior should hire Gloria Allred to represent them so that they get a fair shake in the court of on-line dating!
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 32
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 10:07:52 AM
Cheating is based on one thing that we all have in common and that is lying. There isn't a soul out there who can't share in the simple fact that we all tell lies; and if you beg to differ, that you never do...then, you're lying.

This thread and argument seems more about attaching condemnation and guilt with cheating behavior...on some sort of sliding scale on a big integrity meter.

Why is that? I think it's because of the associated hurt that comes with cheating. But there's usually hurt attached to all forms of lying.

For all you suggesting that you can't understand anyone doing something so morally reprehensible, consider the fact that everyone lies...welcome to the club.

Yes, cheating is crappy all around,but so is lying in general and there's a ton of reasons for people to do both, but I suspect a lot has to do with making oneself feel better somehow...

You're introducing foreknowledge & prior intent into the proposition.

Consider the following:

How does the 'cheating lie' match up against those told by people who lie and under report income?
How does the 'cheating lie' match up against those who pass off personal expense as a business expense?
How does the 'cheating lie' match up against those who are home today on taking a 'sick' day when they're not sick?
How does the 'cheating lie' match up against those who lie about who they know, where they were, what they do, what skills they have, how long they've doing it and a whole lot of other things people are routinely asked about?

Do some of you want an award and recognition specifically because you've not personally not dipped into the cheating lie???

Are there echelons or levels to aspire to on the path of morally reprehensible behavior?

People lie. It's too bad it happens. It opens doors for some, provides opportunity for others and yes, it's not fair and not right...but neither is the above. The one thing lying is, is endemic.

There's reportedly anywhere from 40 - 50% of adults walking around out there who are living the 'cheating lie'. That means there's a very good chance you know a good number of these people and no, they aren't the scum you'd believe, unless you consider the people you routinely hang around with and meet like your friends, neighbors, your extended family members, your boss, and colleagues to be that. It's these types of people that are committing these types of lies...and they are just everyday folk--forget the hype around celebrity, these are people you know and love and they are all around you.

The inability to separate failings in people as that and to extend consideration beyond that, is what really irks me about threads like these, especially because people who screw up are not scum...they are just people..caught in a lie.

Is there one person reading this who hasn't told a lie? Not possible. Condemning people for making poor decisions...and parsing words because 'it is a choice that they are doing' to lie to cheat, yes, it's a choice; but no less of a willful choice than the 'choice' that some of you do with serious intent to lie about your taxable income and other white collar crime.

That 'lie' too shows a lack of integrity. Not paying your fair share does end up hurting someone...you just don't know who/what/when. With the cheating lie, there is a face attached; because of that it seems to make the lie worse, but it's still a lie too. I don't condone cheating, and I really do try not to tell lies. I can't do better than strive to live with as much integrity as I can everyday, and that means to try to see things from the other side---that's the best I can do; and gosh, I'd really like to think that most of us think like that too. Walking around with this holier-than-thou burden must be really be awfully tiresome for some of you out there, I know that it would be for me. jmo.
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 33
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their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 11:36:29 AM
Very well stated, sweetest. Completely agree.

For me, the deal breaker would be the attitude about the behavior. If they justify it or condone it in some way, that would be a problem. But if they learned from the poor choice, and are striving to be a better person, not a deal breaker. People sometimes make bad choices. We've all done things we aren't proud of, but we learn from that and move on.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 34
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 1:52:15 PM
It'd be a deal-breaker for me - unless they didn't know the other party was married and did break it off immediately upon finding out.

I've never done this. I don't think other people who have never done this are at all rare or hard to find.

Age makes a difference, too, though. For me, this question means, since the premise is that it was the other party's last relationship, that this was a deliberate choice by an individual with sufficient interpersonal experience to know one's own mind. I mean, if that doesn't apply by my age, that's a deal-breaker all by itself...

However, were it something that came up with someone much younger, I think it'd be appropriate to question whether or not they might have been manipulated - probably by an older person - before making a definite decision on how to respond. And to ask how they feel about it now.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 35
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 4/6/2010 3:32:03 PM
In my life I've known three men whose wives virtually ended their marriages: lack of caring, communication, sex. They were all booted from the bedroom, and sleeping on the couch or in the guest bedroom. All tried marriage counseling. One is still with the "wife"; one simply left after the children were gone; the other found another woman, lived with her for a year and divorced the so called wife. All were/are amazing men: tender, bright, caring of families, friends, and strangers. None of them in my estimation deserved what they were/are getting. So no, I wouldn't blame any woman who got involved with any of them, regardless of the state's view on whether the marriage was over or not.

I *have* known one woman in my lifetime who only got involved with married/taken men. If they were free, she wasn't interested. So, no, she's not a part of my life any longer.

As humans, who make mistakes ourselves, I think the least we owe each other is to listen to their story. If it doesn't make sense, don't go further. But to dismiss, upfront, and prior to knowing? Not me.

 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 36
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 6/20/2010 11:15:01 AM

So lets say you are dating someone and find out that their in last relationship they were the mistress or man-toy(??) of someone who was married.

It would depend on the person.


Depends on how hot she is!
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 6/23/2010 8:28:41 PM
Huge deal breaker, IMO. Shows lack respect for boundaries and poor judgement.
 naysaying_knicktwist
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 38
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 6/24/2010 2:28:59 AM

...I recall an EX BF telling me how his cheating "just happened." I replied that I could understand how, on a lovely breezy spring afternoon, he was indulging in a casual stroll allong the banks of the beautiful South Platte River. The day was so full of stimulating scents and sensations, he couldn't help but get a full erection. At the same time, approaching from the opposite direction, came the loveliest of lasses, wearing a sun dress with no panties. Unfortunately, she tripped and slid on the walking path ... Ending up under my BF, with her diaphanous dress caught up around her waist, her legs akimbo, and knocked him down. His pants split at the seam allowing his rod to emerge. Luckily, he was able to catch himself on his hands and knees, but unfortunately, not before the tip of his penis had entered the delectable woman beneath him. To avoid any awkwardness, it only seemed appropriate to bring the act to it's climactic conclusion. That is the least he could do by way of showing his remorse for nearly crushing her. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, after all.

I must assume this is exactly the manner in which his indiscretion was initiated, since, when I proffered the explanation, he looked at me with a shocked and slack-jawed expression with no denials. Obviously, I was on the money!


Fire Crotch, I lol'd (literally) at this til I cried, repeating 'Oh mercy, oh MER-cy' out loud as I read it. Thank you so much for the laugh - great writing. Her legs AKIMBO, yet. A-freaking-KIMBO - baha.
 sweetlikesugarcane
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 39
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 6/24/2010 6:13:11 PM
I am so happy that most people think it is a deal-breaker. Restores some of my faith in humanity....

And, if you didn't the know that the person was married it doesn't count. Personally, I don't understand how women sleep with men that they barely know but it happens so I guess if he lied about his status then it isn't the girl's fault. Tons of married (e.g. separated) men on POF will list their status as "single."

(Obviously I'm just using one gender scenario but it applies to both).
 UwillLaff
Joined: 4/27/2010
Msg: 40
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 6/26/2010 10:28:00 AM

If they got out as soon as they found out they were with a married person then it would not be a deal breaker.
If they did it knowingly or stayed anyways then it would most definitely be a deal breaker.[/quote}

That ^
with the possible exception they were young, and it was 20-30 years ago-
 sarniafairyboy
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 41
their last relationship was with someone who was married...deal breaker?
Posted: 6/26/2010 10:35:27 AM

Stuff happens, and people wind up in all sorts of messy situations that they didn't plan. I'm not for breaking up marriages or any other relationship or being anyone's bit on the side, but people can't always control who they fall in love with.


excuses, excuses, rationalization

you can control who you spend private time with and avoid spending it with someone you know is married, because you know things CAN happen when you spend time with someone -like- fall in love

"It just happened" . - LAMEST excuse of all time - because you were looking for 'it' to happen, it's not like you slipped on a newly-waxed floor and you dikk fell into her vagina..or for a woman she slipped an her vagina ended up surrounding his dikk, etc.

or fall in lust.

or fall in love with their money, or their fame, or..connections, or power

with the example given by the OP, you are not suggesting that all or any of Tiger Woods' 14 + (or more) 'mistresses' "fell in love" with him , are you?

they might have liked his money, fame, athleticism -perhaps he's a Tiger in bed, who knows?

but 'love"??

I doubt it. I also doubt it for the vast majority of extra-marital affairs, adultery or fornication (doing it with some married to someone else)
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