Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well forPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Well first of all, this happens with both genders. This forum is filled with threads complaining about the same thing from a womans point of view.

It is the same when a man suddenly disappears on a woman, she can wonder and try to ask him why till she is blue in the face. He isnt going to answer her.

This girl you were seeing probably backed off because of a number of reasons. The best thing to do is just leave it alone and move on. She wont know what she is missing till you are gone.

good luck hun!!
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 5
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 7:00:38 PM
I vote for sending it. I doubt if she will reply but what do you have to lose?

As has been said... this happens all the time... by both sexes.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 7
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 7:43:03 PM
OPie ~~ your profile sez "dating" ~~ that's what you got. Until that famous talk, assume that both peeps are dating/writing/contacting/being contacted by others. I got caught early in my time of PoF with contacting a guy I was terrifically attracted to. We were just starting. I let go of a fairly sensitive piece of information, and there was dead silence for several days. Alas, in that void, a silver tongue devil showed up with my number and courted my sox off. I really had to make a choice, and I emailed the first guy telling him, so sorry. Turned out that the silence had nothing at all to do with me ~~ rather getting, registering, and getting on the road a new vehicle from out of state. Had he told me up front. . . .

I think your letter is a fairly good self assessment. Keep it, print it out, and learn from it. And NO, it ain't likely she's going to tell you straight out, but I suspect another prospect simply was looking/feeling better.

Meanwhile, change your profile to Long Term, and quit trying to be fun!

 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 8:19:37 PM
I agree with the first thing 2dumblondes said, that getting an explanation from ANYONE after such a break up is unlikely to be useful.
1. As she said, it would only apply to THAT person, and you've already lost her, so it would be like someone giving you an expired discount coupon.
2. ANY explanation you are likely to get will be suspect anyway, since the goal of the person giving it is to have you be GONE. I've heard many "explanations" given by my own exes, and other peoples, and I almost NEVER find that the given explanation is correct. Part of the time, the person themselves don't REALLY know why, the rest of the time, they wont tell you the truth, because they want the "go away" to STICK.
3. I SUSPECT that your own REAL emotional goal in wanting to GET an explanation form her is more related to your own ego bruises than anything else. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything with this, on the contrary, I'm relating it directly to MYSELF. When I've failed to get something I want, including a person, I have always responded with at least SOME anger, and had the urge to demand to know why all my hard work didn't pay off. I consciously calm myself, and remind myself that if roles were reversed, I would feel that the person demanding explanations from ME would be out of line.
The important lessons to learn when a relationship fails, in my experience, have always been related to learning how to be MORE YOURSELF, and to learn how to find someone who ENJOYS who you really are. Someone who HASN'T enjoyed you can't tell you anything about that.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 8:33:27 PM
Yes, I would find that really weird, like if I named off the things I didn't like about you, would you then change who you are. ??? It's just a lesson in being put down or being lied to, what matters is that she is no longer interested in you, as you are, so it's good she moved on. Be yourself and you will find the woman who's is attracted to you, that way you will never have to fake it. If there are things you would like to change about yourself, then work on that, but nothing good will of begging for reasons then trying to be someone you aren't, hoping to get the girl back.

Msg. 22, good grief, too much personal info, now I can see what some her problems might have been (or not) but really, don't go sharing intimate activity with others. We get the picture, she seemed to really like you but apparently she doesn't now, don't go with the juvenile graphic info. So not classy.
 happygal_28
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 8:35:52 PM
I think asking without expecting a reply can't hurt. But I would not give her the answers to choose from. That is really limiting the info she might give you. Don't expect a reply - she might not exactly know the reason (feelings can be hard to put into words or her maturity level just might not be there). And IF she does reply - honour the answer, learn from it and then let it go!
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 12
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 9:10:25 PM
OP, you sound like a nice guy. You've taken note of what we suggested and I think you've answered your own question.........that being.....you would look like a psycho if you kept persuing her.

Sure, we all deserve closure, but sometimes silence gives us that closure. They're not interested and dont know how to tell you. Weakness on their part.

Having said that, I suggest you take note of something:

But as soon as she said she didn't want to go all the way I would stop.

I have heard that sometimes when a girl says no she really means "try harder"


Firstly, well done for stopping or you leave yourself open to a possible sexual assualt charge.

Secondly, when a woman says no, they mean no! Even if they're perhaps teasing you, you must stop or possibly find yourself in court for my point noted above.

I wish you well. Go out and enjoy.

 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 14
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/10/2010 11:17:36 PM
A woman would sooner burn in hell than tell a man the truth to why she didn't want him.

You betcha. I did it once, with the first guy I ever dated. I felt that honesty was the best policy. And it was nothing all that big. That was over fifty years ago, and I don't even have to close my eyes to see the stricken look on his face. I felt like I'd stabbed a puppy to death with manicure scissors. And nope, never done it again. Hell, for twenty years I wouldn't even break up with a guy. I'd stay no matter *how* awful it was until even he got it and ended it for me. I really don't think it even matters why. Only that it has. . . .

 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/11/2010 7:18:09 AM
Someone that is that gutless isn't going to be honest with you, look at it that you are well rid of the probable drama queen. You aren't stupid, if you behaved like an asshat at some point you know it and you can alter your behavior accordingly, you don't need anyone else telling you what you did wrong. If you did nothing but be a normal, fun person then the whole situation really has nothing to do with you.


I have heard that sometimes when a girl says no she really means "try harder" and thats the type of info I would really like to get out of her , but I obviously won.t. sigh.. going out to a bar alone tonight..

Absofuckinglutely not.

Listen, if this stupid little b!tch which given your reposts is what she was, did whatever, that is not normal, that is not how a normal woman behaves and she will likely find herself with someone that is not as honorable as you and she will be raped, period.

I think the only way you might find out what was going on in this chick's head would be if you ran into her somewhere and sparked up a conversation or if you dropped her a note and said hi months from now with no interest on your part in anything romantic. If you were dealing with each other on an acquaintance no romance level she might just suck it up and tell you what her problem was but by and large, just forget it.

I don't know how old this chick was, if she was younger than you, but hell, when I was 18 I had more sense than to put myself in the situation she did with you. If nothing else she is stupid and you saved your children a shitty IQ.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/11/2010 7:41:14 AM
OP, sounds like you are looking to settle down. If you are dating women that are younger than you they are likely to still be in the partying highly social mode that one is when in college. Try to stick to women your age or older and find women that aren't spending all of their time in bars.

You have good taste in colleges sportswear and side trip destinations, someone will figure out that you're a great guy, just not the young flakes you are probably still attracted to. Word to the wise, find a nice, attractive woman but the arm candy? They tend to be dead fuking weight and dragging them through a relationship, particularly if you marry and have children, is exhausting and most often ends in divorce unless you intend to carry the load for the duration of the marriage while she sits around with her head up her butt.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/11/2010 7:41:25 AM
Msg:3,

Your Letter sound desperate, don't send it... In the dating game you are let down and you let down others too for some reasons or no reason at all, but life goes on, and in the long run you'll find someone that is meant for you... What I can advice is try mingling with girls (datings) have a lot of experiences and you will know how to connect with the right woman for you... Happy datings! Vannili
 m14shooter
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/12/2010 2:09:02 PM
Look at it this way. Men are not the screwed up ones. Women are messed up beyond belief these days. If a guy did this to a woman we would be painted as jerks but it is acceptable when they do this to us. Screw her she is not worth wasting your time as SHE is the one with the problem. I hope you at least got a piece for your troubles. Don't beat yourself up over a woman, they are not worth it. Stop worrying and just say next loser please.
 happygal_28
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/12/2010 4:52:18 PM
m14 - this post has NOTHING to do with OP's question, is judgmental, argumentative and just plain rude. People get banned from the forums for less. I would delete your post before a mod reads it...
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 4/12/2010 11:19:06 PM
No means no. Girls don't dump a guy because he is being a gentleman when she tells him to stop. Is that clear enough for you? It was something else. It could be anything else. Could be something you can control. Could be something entirely out of your control. Let it go.
 arturoxyz
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/8/2010 10:43:10 AM
that's women for you
try figuring them out
I think they carry some bipolar gene in their blood...lol
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/8/2010 7:06:21 PM
It happened to me OP and it was for eight months and he had asked me to marry him, I had met and bonded with his daughter and his family and yes it was an LDR but I flew up there three times and I hate planes! LOL And then out of nowhere here comes the "I just don't know how I feel anymore." I ended up in the hospital (made my diabetes go out of whack as I didn't eat or sleep after that happened for a full day) and then once I was better I did the emails like yours (first I was zen, then I was mad cuz he was doing the silent treatment, then I was zen again, oh it went on and on.lol) But he was angry because I hadn't moved up there already and in looking back, even though he knew since he asked me to marry hin, I thought it was only fair he come down and meet my family too, he rally wasn't ready for such a commtment. He was living in the fantasy of it and so was I. So, it happens to us all OP. We take things too fast and we don't think it through and then because of how fast it started, it will most likely end the same way.

Sending that letter may help you feel you can get some understanding from that person, but I agree that the reasons they have may not actually give you well not closure, but more of a feeling that you did give your best to make a connection with someone. I finally realized I was too insecure, had a lot of recent things in the last few years that contributed to how I felt about myself and a relationship - the loss of my mother, my health, etc and what I did end up doing was sending him a hand written letter (I know, really old school! LOL) and explained how I was wrong to go into something that fast without thinking first about working on myself which Iam now doing and taking my time to love the one person that trul matters - me. He didn't respond to that letter and it's been two months since he told me never to talk to him again, but I am really learning to smile even more because I do cherish the memories we had for what they were, for how I felt at the time, and I have no ill will or harbor any need to know why. You are a great person. I am a great person, we have to just believe that in ourselves. =)

M
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/8/2010 7:32:35 PM
Don't ask her. Ask her girlfriend. If you ask her, you'll put her on the spot. It's doubtful you'll get an honest answer.

Ten dates in the first three weeks? I'd say you wore out your welcome. You never gave her a chance to miss you. That's too much too soon.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 24
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/9/2010 3:31:35 AM
Doesnt mtter her reasons really...you need to be yourself and if she told you an aspect of your personality was a turn off, youd be tempted to change that...then when a woman comes along who would have genuinely accepted you for who you really are, she sees this person pretending to be something they are not based on an exes desires? Doesnt work.

Be you at all times. The ones who dont like that are just not for you is all.

Would be nice if she would just say she lost romantic interest and wants to stop dating, that would be enough closure for me...but in this day n age, people dont do this it seems.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/10/2010 12:08:15 AM
I can't help but wonder if women who believe no woman owes a man any explanation for bailing on him also believe no man owes a woman any explanation for bailing on her? Even after four months, six months of being exclusive? Remember, that sword cuts both ways.

It seems to me that good communication could take a lot of the pain and shock out of these breakups. If you often told the other person how you felt about them, they'd usually feel more reassured that you wouldn't vanish tomorrow. And if you told them right away about anything they did that you disliked, they'd have a chance to change it.

If it's just flat something about the person--their looks don't do it for you, they could stand to improve their wardrobe or their hygiene, they're a dead fish in bed--you should know those things and act on them pretty early. And if you're leaving for a reason like that, it's unkind to say anything about it. Give no reason at all, or in a pinch, tell a white lie to spare the person's feelings. Cruelty makes the person who receives it want to be hard and cruel in return--if not to the person who dished it out, then to someone else who did nothing to deserve it.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 26
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/10/2010 6:48:08 PM
^^^I agree. The last man that broke up with me told me he wanted to "fill me in" ~ I politely responded and told him that wasn't necessary. I find "closure" highly over-rated and it made no difference to me why it was over ~ it was. 'Nuff said. JMO
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/12/2010 4:18:14 PM

I can't help but wonder if women who believe no woman owes a man any explanation for bailing on him also believe no man owes a woman any explanation for bailing on her? Even after four months, six months of being exclusive? Remember, that sword cuts both ways.


It works both ways. Men do it, too.

The longer you've been going on, the more I really think someone should do the right thing and give you some sort of explanation. But if it hasn't been all that long, just accept it. Yeah, it can drive you nuts, but the bottom line is that they aren't interested.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >