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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > "What are you looking for?"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 1
"What are you looking for?"Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Coming out of a 20 year relationship, I made an agreement with my children that I would "only date" for the first year. No serious relationships. I would take the time needed to heal and enjoyed the process of getting to know who I am.

During this time I met some really nice men. On 2 occasions I was asked "What are you looking for?" I thought this an odd question, as I wasn't looking to enter into another relationship at the time. I would never have asked anyone a question like that, as it seems too presumptuous.

Today I was reflecting back and realized that these men were ready for a relationship, unfortunately I was not. They moved on to someone else who could give that to them.

So, my question is: Have you ever used the line "What are you looking for?". Have you used it because you were ready to move into a serious relationship and you wanted to know how you could fulfill it with that other person. Do you think this question is voiced more by men or woman?
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 2
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 4:00:15 PM
I haven't used it, but I've had it asked of me on numerous occassions.

My answer... I'm NOT looking for anything... but if it finds me, that's ok too. Hehe..
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 3
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 4:59:13 PM
Great sex with someone who has a great heart...

that kinda just narrows it down doesn't it?
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 4
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 5:03:20 PM
OP--

About a yr after my spouse and I split I met someone who I really liked. On our first date during dinner that was his first question. 'What do you want...what are you looking for?' To be honest, I told him I wasn't looking for anything, because I wasn't and I wasn't sure what I wanted.

Six yrs later he and I still talk---but we've had our ups and downs. I guess he wanted more than I could give, and somehow when I was ready to give more he wanted to play the field. I am not sure which gender uses the line more or less----but I suspect when folks are looking for more than a casual date it makes sense to ask that question, though I think the first date is not the time to be asking that kinda of question.

It scared me more than anything---trouble was he was the right guy---it was just the wrong time in my life to have found him...go figure.


Great question!
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 6:23:41 PM

When a guy asks "What are you looking for?" he's hoping the answer from the woman will be "just sex" or "NSA sex" or "FWB".

can't speak for other men, but at the point i would typically ask this, i don't know a woman well enough to let her have sex with me.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 6
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 6:40:00 PM
I think it is a legitimate question and I have been asked it a number of times. Not everyone is recreational dating and some want to concentrate their efforts on others who are looking for the same thing. I am not interested in casual dating, casual sex, etc. I want to meet someone whom I can get to know on a deeper level.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:19:40 PM
I get asked this a lot and my response is that I'm not of the nature to look or search. I'm more of the attitude that whatever will be will be - if I cross paths with someone I have interest in and it becomes something, fine. If it doesn't, that's fine too. I'm mostly just a social person first and foremost.

I've asked it myself a couple times, but only out of curiousity when learning about someone, and usually in response to them asking me. Their answer doesn't really pertain to me so much as it tells me who they are (or allows them to talk about themselves which most like to do).
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 8
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:35:01 PM
I agree, it is a valid question, especially in the context of having met via this medium, but.. to me it always feels like an interview. In any case, take it from whence it comes, as it is not in & of itself potent enough to warrant any strong indication or reaction, if you ask me.
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:39:20 PM

Honestly, does anyone really ever know what they are looking for until they find it?

maybe not 100 percent, but the details of the rough idea can be pretty darned important. like if one person wants marriage, and the other person is dead set against it. whatever intangibles remain to be revealed, those two won't work out and it's best to know early.

because if you have to ask, the answer is no, because you didn't read the fukkin profile, and i'm not interested in somebody who wants to date me but couldn't even take the time to read the fukkin' profile.

trying to get a handle on someone's view of relationships from their profile is like trying to figure out how tall a dinosaur was based on finding one fossilized claw. so much more information is transmitted by voice/expression than by print, especially how you feel. it's a fair question.
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 10
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 7:47:33 PM
I'm looking for =jinx=! I won't settle till I find her next to me!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 11
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 9:29:04 PM
I've not found the question to do me any good.
The couple times I asked it......I was told what they thought I wanted to hear!!
Long term....friend for life......blah blah blah......
I quickly discovered they were looking to get laid and thought I'd fall for the crap they were spouting.
So now I don't even bother........I let their actions speak for them.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 12
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 10:31:08 PM
There is always scum.....that are looking to get laid. That's not all men. No more than the scummy women that you would not want to be compared to.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 13
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 10:53:13 PM
I have a few vague ideas of what I would want in a man and a couple of die-hard deal breakers. But really I don't see the point of a list of what one is looking for, odds are that for most people they don't really have a clue until they meet someone who trips their trigger...at least that's how my head & heart work.
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 14
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/26/2010 11:52:55 PM
It's absolutely amazing to witness the differences between men and women and the way they think. Questions and topics like this really seem to bring it out.

Any time I have asked this question, or a similar one, it's always been because I want to know the answer. I usually ask if I'm enjoying myself and have that little spark of "hey, this might have potential!" It's an easy way, if she can just be honest and not read too much into the bloody question, to find out what she's looking for. That's it.

Honestly, if a guy is looking to hook up with you and nothing more, he's not going to ask you any dumbshit questions like this.

Way too much suspicion. If a guy is with you just to sleep with you, it's probably a lot more obvious than you think.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 15
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/27/2010 3:32:25 PM
What would I want? Someone to love me as much as I love them, do I think at 53 I will find it, nope, most of us (male and females) have guarded hearts and emotions.

I'll end up sking my winters and golfing my summers, if I meet someone along the way than it would be really kewl.
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 16
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/28/2010 1:52:01 PM

Have you ever used the line "What are you looking for?".

Only out of general and/or bored curiosity or in response to getting asked.

Have you used it because you were ready to move into a serious relationship and you wanted to know how you could fulfill it with that other person.

No. All serious relationships I have been in evolved naturally. We didn't have to continually ask or seek the status of it. It was simple to see what the other wanted by actions. It was as simple as wanting to spend more time with the other and making it happen.

Do you think this question is voiced more by men or woman?

I would think it is a very common question with regards to on line dating by both genders.
Some people are more clear than others with their profile. Some people think they are clear about what they want in profile but it reads like 100 or so you've read before. Some people don't allude to it all in profile. However, I'm not sure it really helps to clarify what another might be seeking with you specifically. In general, the question is interesting because it lets you know where another is at and what they are thinking but what I find when someone asks this question is that they are really wanting to know if they are what I seek and often, it is too early to know. So while a person might ultimately be looking for some great romance it isn't really an indication of what they want or see as potential with the person asking the question and is often confused as it and thus so many threads about how he/she said she was looking for a LTR but was only seeking sex.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/28/2010 5:22:36 PM
Wow! I'm really surprised by some of the intense responses, especially those from women assuming that "What are you looking for?" is always code for FWB.
When I saw the OP, before I read all the responses, I was a little mystified to begin with, because these dating sites all START with that question as fundamental to creating your profile. At least that's how it seemed to me.
I have to say, I don't see how it's rational either to assume that the question would indicate (as the OP thought) that the person was ready to settle down, or as the more upset women posted, that it means the guys just in it for free sex. As with all words, the speaker is the one who sets the meaning, and this is a QUESTION, not a statement. If I asked it, my goal would be to find out the answer, not to try to sneakily indicate anything, or to propose marriage, nor to suggest orgy as our next step.
Would I ask it? I have done so of FRIENDS who I was trying to assist in their search, but I don't think I've asked someone I had in my own sights. There's plenty of more here-and-now questions to ask someone, while getting to know them. Besides, even at my advanced age, I still know that it's far easier to say what I am looking to AVOID than what I want to find. People are too varied for such a quantification.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 19
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/28/2010 6:43:28 PM
I always saw it as a way to match goals, or see if they fit yours...I never used to ask at all...but, I do now, when their profile says the exact opposite of mine, and some even have restrictions that disqualify me...but, they contact me?

But, like Igor said...I do agree other than saying I'm looking for something with the potential for long term..I know more what I don't want than I do?..lol..I keep trying to clarify it in my mind..but, I think I'm stuck with: I'll know it when I see it?...lol..
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/28/2010 7:04:43 PM
I always saw it as something to say to sound interested. It's a good basic question for the person who has no idea what to ask.

I'm always looking for things like my keys, to get good grades, the next good job, the next good workout, a good night's sleep, an awesome thing to order in a restaurant, a great line to use in conversation for the next week, a decent learning experience, the meaning of life.

I don't tend to look for anything when it comes to romance. It's something that either happens or not.
 Bookbelle
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 21
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What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/28/2010 10:44:58 PM
I've asked what basically amounts to it once or twice. Mainly when a guy has led me to believe that he wants a relationship... and then it turns out that he's not over his ex/not ready for a relationship at the moment/just wants some fun.
That's fine, just let me know the score. I don't like wasting time - mine or other peoples'. So yeah, I have asked it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/30/2010 5:44:32 AM
It seems like most of the women on dating sites are husband hunting, whereas guys are initially looking for maybe a FWB, f-buddy, someone to hang out with occasionally, and if a serious relationship happens, it happens-go with the flow. But most women have an agenda and a time line to find Prince Charming, Mr. Perfect (sometimes called Mr. Perfect for me). That's why women are so picky about who they meet and won't meet. When there's an initial meet-and-greet, women are immediately thinking "Will this guy be potential marriage material?" If there's the slightest flaw or suspicion, the guy is kicked to the curb and it's on to the next guy waiting in line.

This reminds of a few episodes on the show "Blind Date". A woman gave herself a time line of six months to find a husband, and she asked the show to set her up on dates to find Mr. Perfect. In fact, she had already made all of the arrangements for her wedding-a date and time, a reception hall and decorations, invitations, etc. The only thing missing is a groom. It was kind of funny, showing her on dates. She ended dates quickly with some of the guys because they were nowhere near Mr. Perfect and some of the guys she was attracted to quickly bailed out when they realized what she was about. I don't watch it very often, so I don't know if she found Mr. Right and got married in the specified time frame.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/30/2010 7:52:32 AM
^^^Sorry, but neither gender is cornering the market on insta-relationship OR going with the flow. I could tell you a lot of stories about men who took their profile down before meeting friends of mine and pressuring them to do the same, men who tried to close the deal on a relationship during the first meet, men who before meeting discussed over the phone doing things together and taking trips with a woman essentially they've never met, men who got upset to find out a woman they were talking to in e-mail and maybe on the phone was talking to anyone else.

I could also tell you stories about women who would rather enjoy the moment and not do a lot of relationship planning with a complete stranger, women who got freaked out over men who talked about living together and looking for the next long term relationship 10 minutes into a coffee meet, women who don't ever want marriage or kids, women who work a lot and even when they meet a man they like and want to date, don't want to see them more than twice a week.

There are both men and women who want to tie themselves down too quickly, men and women who go with the flow and don't have a lot of expectations, and men and women who fear commitment and have no intention of being tied down.
 anunu
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 24
What are you looking for?
Posted: 4/30/2010 9:00:13 AM
I have been asked this question waaayyy to many times!

I got tired of answering it politically correct so I started getting snarky with it.

Here are a few of my responses:

Him: What are you looking for?
Me: The gold and leprechaun at the end of the rainbow.
Flying monkeys
The one that flew over the cuckoos nest
Shingles for my roof
Me lucky charms
That bug that just flew in your drink!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 25
What are you looking for?
Posted: 5/1/2010 6:58:54 AM
^^^LOL, I'm used to people not responding to my posts - I'm sure it's because they can't admit there may be some truth to em. This isn't the first post people skipped over because they were more intent on arguing.
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