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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
Talking about ExperiencePage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Relating this to another thread that's been popping up off and on lately-OP,did you give this guy some big spiel about your prior bfs/relationships being just about sex,whether from the get-go or by devolving, and how you didn't want that to happen this time?
just thought I'd point out how this thread brought that one to mind.
At any rate, if you haven't heard a peep out of him for 3 weeks, I think you can safely presume that this connection has become a non-starter.
Look, nobody's saying that anybody should be LYING about their level of sexual experience, but when it comes to a couple of adults, UNLESS there is something very significant, like a child, a disease, conviction of a sexual offense, it's really not anybody else's business. And if you have baggage,such as being hurt by a "player", either carry it yourself, put it in 'storage", throw it off a cliff, whatever, but do not hand it to a prospective new partner and expect him(or her) to carry it for you. If you cannot seem to refrain from putting it on new romances, then maybe you need to set all but the most casual social dating off to one side while you make dealing with the old baggage a priority over just rushing into a new "relationship".
Cindy O
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:22:54 PM

If two people are going to be intimate each has a right to know of the other's sexual partner number.

You have a right to nothing that I'm not obligated to inform you of for your health.

The rest of your post is presumptuous nonsense that assumes anyone who wants privacy has something to hide.

Hell, for your third bullet point, the reasoning for most of people's responses is to keep private things private so the OTHER PERSON can feel better. How does what I did with someone else affect a potential future partner's morals? What were you thinking when you wrote that?
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 35
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History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:28:53 PM
That's not the reason. The reason has been hashed out already in this thread. You can scroll back and read through if you want it.

*My* number wouldn't have anything to do with my potential SO "respecting" *HER* body. That doesn't even make sense.

Again, you make the brazen and inappropriate assumption that someone wanting privacy only has something to hide.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:34:33 PM

that can be unnerving for someone new to deal with as its not their fault I was in an abusive relationship

No, it's not. And if this past history is affecting your ability to have a healthy sex life as part of a relationship, your focus should be on dealing with THOSE demons first. Someone new should not have to feel like they are responsible for your recovery, or that they have to "tiptoe on eggshells" to be with you. If that's happening, or if you feel like you have to give a big long explanation of everything that might "freak you out" in a sexual situation,then you need to be working with those who have the skills and background to help you cure yourself.
Cindy O
 anunu
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 37
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:52:18 PM
I just have to agree with everyone else here.
You don't have the talk.
What is the purpose? What does he need to know about you that is that important to disclose?

Even if you had a 20 person orgy, why does he need to know unless you are toting herpes or some kind of STD presently.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 38
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 1:53:50 PM

I need to know the amount of sexual partners my SO has had

OK, how would you react then to a potential SO who wanted to know your income, your credit score, your net worth right off the bat?

It makes me come to a decision on whether this person would be worth dating and how she percieves intimate encounters.

I can't speak for men because I'm not one, but I can tell you that "how(a woman) perceives intimate encounters" is not something that gets set in stone the first time she has sex. I'm not going to say that a woman with a near pathological sex drive, or LACK of one, is going to do a 180 degree turn in her behavior. But withing social and sexual norms, many factors impact how a woman perceives intimate encounters, and that perception can be impacted by any number of internal and external factors.
Of course, it's reasoning like this that leads a guy to choose a woman who doesn't like sex, therefore having very few partners in very strict settings, then start whinging because she won't give him none, or uses sex as a weapon.
Actually, bluedevil, there are people who would regard YOU as being in the wrong for having had sex with ANY partners unless that partner was your lawfully wedded wife. In some social environments having had 3 partners would make you tantamount to an indictable sex offender, and in others having had 3 partners by age 25 would make you pretty lame.
Nope. Beyond the presence of children or sexually communicable diseases, a person's sexual history is nobody's business but their own.
Cindy O
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 39
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History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 2:10:57 PM

Last week things got kicked up a notch and I really didn't know where he expected it to go. It took me a while to figure out my feelings as I was still getting to know him but every time I hung out with him, I liked him more and more.

^^^After 6 or 7 dates...it's all very new. Having feelings other than wanting to date each other, seems a bit intense...to have a big talk lasting 2 hours, excessive.
Talk suggests -->>>a one-way download. Most guys that I know don't like to sit still for things like that at anytime--much less to be blindsided by 'a talk'...I'm assuming that it wasn't a conversation, so he's only now just getting back to you after processing it all.

His behavior does seem somewhat cryptic. Whatever is going on, it doesn't appear to bode well. I'd give him space and see what happens. Dating is about trying someone on for size and seeing how well they fit. You may have decided it for him.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 40
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 2:35:19 PM

A partner that fcuked everything that moved before getting into a relationship might have such a casual approach to sex that cheating on their partner is not a big deal to them....
I wonder how many people who got cheated on didn't think it was important to have the 'talk' beforehand either....

It's been my understanding that most women who cheat do so for EMOTIONAL reasons rather than sexual ones. It's men who are more apt to cheat simply for a sexual reason/relationship.But it's also been my observation that in either connotation of cheating, there are usually other issues in play, as well.
A person of either gender can deeply enjoy sex and not feel like it has to be in a certain framework, yet maintain faithfulness if they have made a committment to that principle.
All too often cheating really isn't even about sex,even though sex is happening. It can be about anger, resentment, disappointment,secret revenge, feeling unloved, feeling like their partner has come to take them for granted and considers them part of the furniture...
In fact, from all I've heard, it's often a sexually inexperienced person who gets drawn into cheating, because they think maybe they are missing out on something, or they are easily led/unaware of the true direction someone's attentions are headed in.
Nope...unless there are children, disease, criminal offense or unresolved trauma( I will toss that in there) a person's sexual history is their own business,and safe sex should be the order of the day. Because anyone who is ASHAMED of their sexual past, or feels that they are being "cornered" may very well lie like a Persian rug,anyway.
Cindy O
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 41
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/6/2010 5:36:49 PM
I am sorry I have to say this. I don't know if someone already brought this up, but I just don't feel like reading all 3 pages. Anyway mama always told me, "Never EVER ever share past sex experiences with a person whom you are interested romantically in". All that will happen is he will end up resenting you. Even if he does choose to talk to you again, it will most likely come up in fights. Like I would rather not know how many girls my boyfriend slept with, what positions they did etc. Some things are much better left unsaid. When it comes to talking about past sex experiences it is best to say as little as possible without making it look like your trying to be secretive.
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 42
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History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/7/2010 4:28:14 PM

It's been my understanding that most women who cheat do so for EMOTIONAL reasons rather than sexual ones. It's men who are more apt to cheat simply for a sexual reason/relationship.But it's also been my observation that in either connotation of cheating, there are usually other issues in play, as well.
A person of either gender can deeply enjoy sex and not feel like it has to be in a certain framework, yet maintain faithfulness if they have made a committment to that principle.
All too often cheating really isn't even about sex,even though sex is happening. It can be about anger, resentment, disappointment,secret revenge, feeling unloved, feeling like their partner has come to take them for granted and considers them part of the furniture...
In fact, from all I've heard, it's often a sexually inexperienced person who gets drawn into cheating, because they think maybe they are missing out on something, or they are easily led/unaware of the true direction someone's attentions are headed in.
Nope...unless there are children, disease, criminal offense or unresolved trauma( I will toss that in there) a person's sexual history is their own business,and safe sex should be the order of the day.

Wow, well said.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 43
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/7/2010 4:58:33 PM

When things got hot last week, I made the judgement call to talk to him about past experience


ok to clarify...you started to talk when the flag pole was at full mast?
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 44
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/7/2010 5:21:33 PM

ok to clarify...you started to talk when the flag pole was at full mast?

LOL! Mood killer indeed. SpaceX Falcon ready to launch...it's going....it's going....FAIL!
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 45
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History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/7/2010 5:55:49 PM

No... Women (and men) cheat because they CHOOSE to cheat....

Good work, Detective.

She was stating *why* they CHOOSE to cheat.


In fact from what I've heard, the opposite is true....
A person who is sexually inexperienced may CHOOSE to not cheat because the act of sex means more to them than a simple bodiliy function.... A person who is used to having frequent sex, particularly in a casual context is more likely to see it as "no big deal" to sleep around....

Studies show you are wrong.


So you think not asking because someone MAY lie is a logical concept?

No, she was implying that confronting someone about it would put them in an uncomfortable situation, and might lie anyway. The lying part was ancillary.
 Sayers987
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 47
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/10/2010 8:35:35 PM
Alicia,
Posting a thread seems like Pandora's Box. You open it and everything comes out. Look at all these comments.

When I was your age I was immature and experienced (I thought-- ha). Sounds like you may have been too. Like people have said, what happened in the past, stays in the past, unless it concerns STD's. Your preferences and wants have to wait for rounds two or beyond. Even then, don't talk about the past; it doesn't matter and may intimidate an inexperienced, sensitive lover.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 48
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Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/10/2010 9:51:17 PM
I have no idea what you said to him, he thought about it or talked to his friends about it and found he wasn't interested. Let it go, he's gone. Be yourself and look for a guy who won't run when you talk to them. However any of use might thing you should have acted, the fact is, you acted like yourself and this guy wasn't right for you.

PS. Never ever date a grown man who calls his penis a wiener or who thinks people with a low number of sex partners are safe from STDs. And never date anyone who makes you feel badly about yourself. It's Not that they are right or wrong, it's that they are wrong for you.
 marisia
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 49
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/11/2010 4:42:08 AM
YHahaha. Oh thank-you for that tarrot dream, wish is known that when I was married! Perhaps not, but the thougt is soo good.

I don't tell details about past lovers, unless asked and then I keep it very vague. More than one less than 100. I never give intimate details about what I have done with a person. I will say what I like and would like to do together. If a guy gives me details about what he has done with a specific girl and viva versa I am extremely put off. I don't want or need to know what he did to or receive from someone else
or even worse their reaction. Very poor manners and puts me off completely.

Plus 2 hours talking about it, big mistake unless you are telling each other what you like and would like to do and receive from each other.
He probley got drunk to help erase unwanted images from his head.

Remember, if a guy wants to know he will ask but keep it general and short. Unless you have an std or have done something illegal, then its not his business and remember a lady and a gentleman never tell.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 50
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History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/11/2010 11:31:17 AM
didn't read the whole thread so this may have come up.

but op, if your language was as vague and dodgy in your discussion with him as it is here, you might well have exhausted him as he tried to figure out what the hell you were talking about, or you painted a picture so vague and blurry that he filled in the details himself. and that's the kiss of death, because people will virtually always pick the worst scenario, given a choice.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 52
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/11/2010 12:45:40 PM
Maybe he discovered you talk toooooooo much, period. You sound as though you have some kind of relationship program you use: at date one we do this, at date two we do that, then we squeek in some kind of past relationship talk...blah. He may have been a participant in your "talk" but may not have been a willing one and you made him uncomfortable because you have some kind of relationship schedule you keep. It's all conjecture, not being privy to what was said between the two of you. Either way, you're saying he hasn't contacted you since the party. Is it part of your relationshp program not to contact guys you date but to wait for them to make contact? If you've attempted to contact him and there's no response, I'd say get over it and move on. For all you know, maybe he's thinking he told you too much and you're no longer interested. All I can say is don't treat relationships as though there's some kind of script you have to follow.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 55
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/11/2010 5:06:30 PM
Why would you tell him anything? What difference could it make? Unless you are a walking talking germ farm, I don't see why he needs to know about your past.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 56
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Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/11/2010 6:49:36 PM
Since we don't have anything further to go on from the OP, I don't see where else we can take this. I did want to comment on one KIND of posts I've seen in this thread and some others... Folks who come on full of ball-busting confidence, and say "listen, you ^%$*^%$ people, I do THUS-AND-SUCH for every one of MY relationships, and they've ALL been GREAT, and they loved me for doin it that way."
Every time, I'm wondering...how come they have HAD a whole string of relationships? To have a whole bunch, and be here again, every single one of them had to have gone down the tubes.
Anyway, summing this up, having an in depth "talk" right before a potential hot and heavy session is unwise. Telling your entire life story at a sitting (without being paid as a performer or public speaker) is unlikely to lead to hot sex. Conceptualizing a relationship as a set of preconceived steps makes for a rather dry experience. And if the guy is still MIA after as long as this thread has been up, then he's not coming back.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 57
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Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/12/2010 10:37:20 AM
maybe his too many drinks ended in a blackout and he doesn't know what he said. this is all too vague for me. was your "experience" with potential damage to him? if not, you will never know. how you handle people varies by individuals. wouldn't it be nice to accept and to be accepted w/o walking on eggshells?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 58
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/12/2010 10:53:14 AM

Folks who come on full of ball-busting confidence, and say "listen, you ^%$*^%$ people, I do THUS-AND-SUCH for every one of MY relationships, and they've ALL been GREAT, and they loved me for doin it that way."
Every time, I'm wondering...how come they have HAD a whole string of relationships? To have a whole bunch, and be here again, every single one of them had to have gone down the tubes.

An excellent point.
I suppose, there may be SOME cases where someone is content with having a whole string of relationships as opposed to one or 2 that last a long long time. But I don't think that kind of relationship wanderlust/"travelin' bone" is as common as self-proclaimed relationship 'experts' who have had LOTS of them due to being unable to sustain a truly longterm one.
Cindy O
 anunu
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 59
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/12/2010 2:31:11 PM
Bluedevil

Is it gross if a man had 50+ partners?
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 60
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History
Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/14/2010 1:42:59 PM
Dear alicia, when it comes to men I don't talk very much , I am very quite and let him think that I am mysterious than Mona Lisa with that funky smile...

And If I talk my body and eyes does the talking for me.... In other words I emote : -the talk. Seriously,we can not time lock our words for we are changeble creators of our motives , it is not that we lied it is "we change our mind. " Just go with the flow and see what happened. Vannili
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 61
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Talking about Experience
Posted: 5/14/2010 2:38:49 PM
I have not read all the Op's thread, so the op 's talking is about her sex experiences to her present date, does that validate her that she is a good catch ????

A man should not kiss and tell, that applies too to a woman..... If she considered herself as a decent person..
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