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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 28
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Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnosePage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I am cynical, yes. I do not believe he pretended to have cancer, what I believe is that he already has a support system in place and does not need anything from the OP.
The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances.
 Lemmons09
Joined: 3/13/2010
Msg: 29
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:08:01 AM
Igor wrote: It would be too difficult to know or tell how much of us being together was due to her instinctive caring response, and how much was because of who I was, AND to tell if MY desire for HER was being intensified by the diagnosis beyond what it should.

I'm nearly positive this is what my ex feels/felt about me, and part of the reason our relationship failed. And my truthful response is I don't know for certain what came first: my love for my ex, or my compassion/need to be in that care giving role. (When I met my ex, I was in grief reaction from the death of my terminally ill husband.) Once my ex found himself in solid recovery from his addictions and behavioral problems, the questioning began. In the last conversation we shared about our relationship, the final thing he said to me was "I don't know why you even accepted me in the first place. It bothers me a lot."

Therefore, supportive friendship is the smartest choice. If the crisis passes favorably, then maybe love will blossom. But until then, keep your distance.

PS-thanks Mister Frankensteen. This is something I've been trying to work out in my head. Your post gave me a leg up. Now I have to decide if I should share it with the ex. He asked, afterall, and when a person asks, I prefer to answer when I can.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 30
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:08:58 AM

The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances.


I see you're one of the sheeple who have been told that women should be trained to think of sex as a dirty, horrible, sinful act and only men get any pleasure from it, and women should avoid it like the plague. I guess it's not possible for a woman to take advantage of a man or a woman initiating the sex.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 31
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 8:34:34 AM

The cancer card


Yeah. I guess I'll go ahead and start lying about a terminal illness just to get laid, and then disappear.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 32
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 11:52:00 AM

I hope you don't listen to the cynical posts suggesting the man was dishonest or even selfish in withdrawing. If that closeness you gave him is the last one he remembers for a while, that can be a gift.


The 'cynical' posts if do something is making me appreciate even more his honesty. I'm glad we got to share an intimate moment, and yes, that can be a gift in his present circumstances.


I'm surprised that the intimacy issues were morphed into a game by some when it's clear, at least to some of us, that it was a mutual exchange of affection..


It was exactly that, two people exchanging their mutual affection through sex.


The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances..


Why if I don't feel used you insist I have to feel that way? How did he take advantage of me? I enjoyed myself the same way he did, I make my OWN decision to be intimate with him the same way he made his OWN decision, he had his reasons and I had mine; Why he's the villain and I am the poor little girl? This kind of thinking is just damaging; under your reasoning every time a woman is intimate with a man has to feel she was taken advantage of, which is not truth. Women like me were taught to make their own decisions and accept the consequences of them; and that of course include sex.



It would be too difficult to know or tell how much of us being together was due to her instinctive caring response, and how much was because of who I was, AND to tell if MY desire for HER was being intensified by the diagnosis beyond what it should.


You hit the nail with this one. It's exactly how I see it.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 33
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:29:53 PM
First of all OP.
You get different points of view on a thread, that's why they are so interesting.

I do not think he told you he had cancer to GET sex .
I think he was a **** to go into talking about it and have sex with you then disappear.

You are 100% sure because you went with him to the doctor and heard the diagnosis?

I do find it ODD as hell that you know someone 4 weeks and they tell you they have or may have the BIG C.

My dad died of it. Prostrate..
My best friend died of it. Pancreas..

Neither one told a soul until they were a 100% sure and then only very intimate friends and family.

I hope he doesn't have it.

It is a horrible thing to die of.
So if you think highly of him..pray he WAS lying OR jumped the gun in discussing such a thing.
Which IMO was ODD as hell.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 34
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:33:16 PM

I SAID ITS SEEMS WEIRD, Ive lost two friends recently to cancer ... I understand everyone reacts different to the news of cancer, and my two friends who lost the battle to cancer not once was sex on their mind, I understand you guys had sex BEFORE he found out , that I GET, most people when they find out they MIGHT or have to go for test, its generally the last thing on their mind is what im saying, and you even said you guys discussed not taking this relationship further because of the possibility.


I'm sorry for your lost, I've been there and know how hard it is.

You've said it, everyone reacts different. Your friend didn't feel like thinking in sex, the guy I was dating felt it different.

He just turn 51 the same day, no history of cancer in his family, had been told by his doctors his risk was just 35%; so I can tell you he was more optimistic than pessimistic about the final outcome. What he told me is in case things were wrong he didn't feel would be fair for me go further since sex most probably -statistics show it, even my brother says in medicine you never know- would be an issue difficult to deal with. Honestly, I appreciate the time he took to think about me even if it was 0.001% of his thoughts.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 35
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 1:00:58 PM

You got used in my eyes. Of coarse you will try to blast me and say you did not. But no one just all of a sudden has cancer like this. Come on. And according to your post #29, you do NOT know if he has it unless you went to a Doctor with him and HEARD it all. It takes more than one or two little so called Doctor visits for some assinine medical condition he is feeding you.


I don't feel used, and that's what matters. You are entitled to your opinion and I respect it. I just can tell you that in general people use to form opinions according to their own experiences in life. So if posters keep insisting I should feel used when I don't, it's their issue and not mine.

I'm 100% sure he has it... And how much I wish I could say he lied to me.

Do you know what it takes for a cancer diagnose? Seems not. In this particular case, takes a blood test that shows abnormalities in a protein; a biopsy, an hour if much; send the sample to the lab, 20 minutes and that's it. That all can be done in a week. I'm not a doctor, but my only brother is, so obviously I asked. Now, maybe you know more than him. Could be.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 36
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 1:39:32 PM

I do not think he told you he had cancer to GET sex .
I think he was a **** to go into talking about it and have sex with you then disappear.


He didn't disappear after sex, he went silent couple days after after he got his diagnose. He did anything different after we were intimate. I don't even can say he has ignored any attempt to be contacted cause I haven't tried to contact him.


You are 100% sure because you went with him to the doctor and heard the diagnosis?


Once again, I'm 100% sure....


I do find it ODD as hell that you know someone 4 weeks and they tell you they have or may have the BIG C.


What is this ODD? Would have been better from him not telling me and just disappear? Why being honest have to be odd?


My dad died of it. Prostrate..
My best friend died of it. Pancreas..


I'm sorry for your loses... I have been there and know it's extremely painful and difficult.


Neither one told a soul until they were a 100% sure and then only very intimate friends and family.


Different people, different reactions. Nor better, nor worse. He felt he needed to inform me.


I hope he doesn't have it.


=( Sadly he has it...


So if you think highly of him..pray he WAS lying OR jumped the gun in discussing such a thing.
Which IMO was ODD as hell.


Of course I think highly of him, otherwise would not have decided dating him. As I said before, people tend to form opinions according their own experiences in life. Maybe the fact that you relatives decided to keep it undisclosed makes you feel is the way it should be and do it different rings the odd bell for you.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 37
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 1:50:05 PM

Then why, if you know him so well and his physician (yeah sure) he has cancer? If you are happy being his FWB and it was mutual, why start a thread? Whatever. Another case of "Fantasy Island." The plane, the plane.....LOL No I am not a Doctor. I am going into Pharmacy. And I feel sad for people who hook up with guys on the net then start threads about all the nonsense they are being fed. Just be careful. You do not want some guy to tell you he has some nasty STD next. A lot of freak shows on here. You do not need it. The only issues I have are getting through this program in College ; I am half way done. And of Flex Magazine. You can do what you want. But if it was not an issue, it would not have been posted. Be safe.And just because your brother is an MD does not mean this guy has cancer. I know many Doctors. So what. LOL


I'm free to start all the threads I want LOL

Another case of difficult things happen to people...

You are going into Pharmacy so you know I was right when I said in a week you can have a cancer diagnose.

STD, FWB... not my area of expertise LOL... but do I know how to use a condom and having fun in the process and don't sleep with 'friends'

Yeah, lots of freaks here, that's truth!

Not an idea what's Flex Magazine, must ask my brother.

Post question is: Should I contact him and let him know of my care of affection or leave him alone? That's my issue...

Not because you are a Pharmacy student doesn't mean this guy doesn't have cancer.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 38
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 6:44:24 PM

The sex? Well that was just a man taking advantage of a very willing partner no matter what the circumstances..

Why if I don't feel used you insist I have to feel that way? How did he take advantage of me? I enjoyed myself the same way he did, I make my OWN decision to be intimate with him the same way he made his OWN decision, he had his reasons and I had mine; Why he's the villain and I am the poor little girl? This kind of thinking is just damaging; under your reasoning every time a woman is intimate with a man has to feel she was taken advantage of, which is not truth. Women like me were taught to make their own decisions and accept the consequences of them; and that of course include sex.

bravo, op. couldn't have been said it better. victimhood is for the weak, which you give no indication of being.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 39
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 7:17:45 PM

seems you do not even know the guy...you chatted, met, did it, and he all of a sudden has cancer.


I know him as much a person can get to know another person in a month... little, much? It depends the persons...

There is a 'in between' to meet him and make it, but obviously you skipped that part on my post...

Yeah, he all of a sudden has cancer. Does it not weird??? Oh, just a mention, people die all of the sudden. Being in the medical field you should know that LOL
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 40
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/12/2010 7:29:24 PM
I really appreciate all the replies... Not gonna lie, some of the posts can make your blood boils, especially the ones that no matter how well you try to explain the situation find a way to twist the facts.

Thanks to the ones who gave objective advice and shared their helpful opinions.

Seems the general opinion is for contact him and let him to be the one who decides if he wants to keep any sort of communication between us, and that's what I'll do. It was what my gut told me since the beginning but wanted to hear what others had to said about it; I've never before been in this situation and sometimes is just hard to decide what to do.

Last post from me; thanks...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 41
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/13/2010 9:51:19 AM

I see you're one of the sheeple who have been told that women should be trained to think of sex as a dirty, horrible, sinful act and only men get any pleasure from it, and women should avoid it like the plague. I guess it's not possible for a woman to take advantage of a man or a woman initiating the sex.


What?? Who pissed in your cheerios today mister sunshine.
Where does it say in my post that she was unwilling, not interested or didn't enjoy it? Don't lump all us gals in with your Ex wife.
 wearred
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 42
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/13/2010 10:43:55 AM
FauxPar

“Do you know what it takes for a cancer diagnose?”

Actually, yes I do. You can check my previous posts on this matter but for me it was a blood test, a biopsy then a 10 day (it felt like 10 months) wait until my specialist advised me that I had advanced prostate cancer - and it devastated me. My world, my plans, my future, the way I thought of myself changed forever on that day just over two years ago.

OP your friend is going through an awful lot of turmoil in his life right now, he probably can’t believe it has happened to him and if he could have done anything to prevent it (according to my specialist, he couldn’t).

I would suggest making an attempt to get in touch with him but don’t be surprised (or take it personally) if he initially rejects your overtures.

I don’t know if you feel these few words of support are of any use to you but all I can say is good luck to you both.


I really feel for you; Cancer it's a terrible devastating experience but I hope you are doing much better now in all levels, physical and emotional! My best wishes to you.

I really appreciate immensely your words; you DO know what you are talking about and helped me to have a better understanding of what he's going through.


Herding Cats


Well, I pulled a Houdini on someone after a first date because about a week later I was diagnosed with cancer. It was a great date and I really did like him, but... I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around what was ahead of me, let alone deal with dating. I have since apologized to him for disappearing. I hope he doesn't think I was bullsh!tting like some of the posters on this thread are assuming the OP's friend is.

Personally, I didn't want to see people at all. I immediately hid my profile here and put a note on my profile about why I was "off market".

I finished chemo about 4 weeks ago and will finish radiation treatments in two weeks.


Thanks very much for your post. I send you my best wishes and hope you have a full recovery after your treatment is over

I hope posters here have the chance to read your history and it gives them a better understanding of what is have to deal with a very scary illness. As in FauxPar case you know what you are talking about!

Thanks again
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 43
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnosis
Posted: 5/13/2010 11:24:18 AM
I'm sympathetic to the shock and fear he must be experiencing, however, I also agree with some others that it was assy of him to sleep with you with full awareness that he might pull away if the diagnosis did turn out to be positive. Blah, blah, denialcakes, whatever, I don't care. He'd said he wanted to keep seeing each other and see what happened and you had no reason to disbelieve him. Until he ceased contact after being diagnosed.

More importantly:

What he told me is in case things were wrong he didn't feel would be fair for me go further since sex most probably -statistics show it, even my brother says in medicine you never know- would be an issue difficult to deal with.

Shouldn't that be your decision, not his? If he can't deal with a developing relationship right now because it's simply one thing too many, and because of the feelings confusion so well described by Igor, that's very understandable. But whether or not it's fair to you is up to you. I find it offensive that he would take it upon himself to make that decision for you as if you are a child in need of guidance, and all the more so because I don't believe that's the real reason.

You've contacted him to be supportive more than once. He knows you care and want to be there for him; you've shown it. My vote, leave it at that. Which, not coincidentally, is the same response I'd give to someone who didn't know why the person s/he'd recently slept with stopped calling afterward.
 briargate
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 44
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnosis
Posted: 5/14/2010 5:34:20 AM
Reading your story made me very sad, OP. I think he disappeared because of the reasons someone mentioned before that people with a cancer diagnosis can often withdraw from relationships. Often times I think it's from the fear that they will be abandoned, making their grief even worse. But I doubt it's rational. Keep in touch with him and he will hopefully reach out again when he sees you will be around. I'll be thinking about both of you today.
 MADYSIIN
Joined: 4/21/2010
Msg: 45
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 5/30/2010 12:21:09 PM
I have to completely agree with you.
I dated a man who played similar cards with me and her story really reminds me of jus how full of Shi** some men can be with women. The guy with me didn't use cancer though. He said that someone had died in his family. Now we had been seeing one another on and off a few times and as soon as I told him that I refused to wast anymore time with him, he told me that he wanted to get to know me better and on a more serious basis. And yes, we texted everyday too, talked on the phone, emailed and saw each other right before "THE DEATH" for two weeks too. Wow! What is with this short term week thing with some of these men today. Geez!
Anyway, I wished him well after his "FAMILY DEATH" and have not heard from him in quite a while now. ...which is a blessing to say the least because he smelled of flake all over.
Girlfriend needs to (if she hasn't done so already)..walk away as fast as she can. Very seldom do people going through things of this nature desire to disappear like you all never ever existed. Come on n ow! Are we water facets now? Turn on when you want a drink and turn off when the going gets rough after you have made a pledge to proceed with the individual. Or are we simply Barbie Dolls that a man can just choose from each day. Blonde one gets Saturday and the brunettes get to see him on Wednesday's. Pleeze!
I'm not buying it at ll.
I had a friend who was diagnosed with postrate cancer a few years back. He and I had a great relationship and after he went through what he had to, he was still there for and with me. (smaller penis of course..yes, it shrunk) ..but he didn't play games like this guy did.
Bottom line is this, if a guy wants to be with the woman of his choice, he dayum well is gonna do it. Guys are too headstrong today to just walk away without a purpose.
I wonder if this guy sis is talking about was married?
Sure sounds like another woman in the picture to me.
Wow!
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 46
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnosis
Posted: 7/5/2010 11:09:13 AM

For everyone who says prostate cancer is no big deal... please tell it to my uncles wife and to Mr. Hoppers family. It is cancer.. it IS a big deal.


My grandfather (fathers side) succumbed to it in 1997 (age 88, 10 yrs after radiation - he opted not to go for the chemo, his choice). My father has just been diagnosed w/ prostate cancer (age 70) and is going for radiation & hormone treatments the next few months (his PSA tests have been sky high for several years) - so chances are good (family history) I have it to 'look forward to' in my (hopefully distant) future.

OP, I'd reach out to him... not annoyingly so, but just to talk. As many have mentioned, sometimes people w/ cancer tend to cut people out of their lives... it puts you face to face with your own mortality, which is not something most people, especially at younger ages, are comfortable with or talking about.
 a_lonewolf
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 47
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 7/5/2010 2:52:21 PM

Post question is: Should I contact him and let him know of my care of affection or leave him alone? That's my issue..

Tricky question, but coming from me, a dude that has 4 months of chemo left and a month of radiation after, i'd say don't go into emotional, sombre, feeling sorry for the guy, "how are you feeling?" stuff. Trust me, enought of that crap gets flung around from family and long time friends. If you're going to contact him, make sure you can put a smile on his face. Mention something that you two did in the month you knew each other prior his diagnosis, or something along that line. That would probably be the best thing that can bring him around to keeping you in touch and not so distant.
My thoughts anywayz. Good luck
 impalawayne2010
Joined: 9/27/2009
Msg: 48
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History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 11/12/2010 10:38:49 AM
Hey,It will be OK,That guy has alot on his mind right now. I dealt with this two years
ago,And I was being selfish thinking I didn't mean enough for her to talk about it with
me. She had breast cancer,and she is a survivor, However,When you learn of some
thing so devastating,All that goes thru your mind is ~DEATH~,and the things you never got to do in life.When I think of if I had heard the news about myself....Well,
a relationship would be the last thing on my mind.All you can do is be there,Although
my situation is alot different from this situation,I still keep on keepin on.Just be there
for him,Eventually,He'll need to talk to someone,and it will probrably be you.
Also,when I learned of my girls cancer,I went to the bookstore and bought a couple
of books,and also read a few there on the subject.Learn all you can about what you will
go through,if you are with him.Right now if you learn about it,you will know more about what hes about to go through,than he knows,and that will help him eventually,
and he will thank you for being there, Don't be fooled....This is a hard thing to deal with
and its never certain what the outcome will be, And theres no promises he will be with
you in the end, I am sorry to be so blunt,But this may help you deal with it.
Impalawayne2010
 SecretAgent1987
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 49
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 11/29/2011 1:40:57 AM
I got chest cancer before my deployment with the Navy last year and was a month into dating a girl, I told her about it and expected her to head for the hills. Yet she went to all my doctor appointments with me on base, and turned out to be the first girl I fell in love with, and was a long term girlfriend. Cancer is a tough thing to deal with but I think its hard to have a relationship when you know your facing a disease that may kill you. That is why it is hard for me to date now mine just relapsed and the chances of me making it five years are not on my side...How can a let a girl date me knowing these odds? I understand his position and I think you should date a guy that is healthy
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 50
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 6/19/2012 6:26:17 AM
OP: My cynicism is getting in the way...but something doesn't feel right about this situation. Are you sure this diagnosis was real and he didn't pull a phoney cancer diagnosis just to get you into bed?

In general, people, no matter how sick, should be loved and cared for.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 51
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 6/19/2012 8:55:39 AM
The guy is going to go through some self pity cut him some slack, he needs to process this may take a month for sure
If he has to have radical surgery his nerves will probably be damaged, there are devices to make him hard but he will
Not be able to ejaculate. This is huge, take your own needs out of the equasion for now and give him time.
You have to decide what you really need in a relationship and there are all kinds of relationships this one does not need to be an intimate one it could be real good buddys.
 neck romancer
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Few weeks into dating and cancer diagnose
Posted: 6/19/2012 9:25:58 AM
OP is gone and this thread is ancient... LET THIS THREAD DIE!
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