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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??      Home login  
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 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 251
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??Page 11 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Maybe you have been around alot longer than me or maybe it happens where your at....Is it an age thing?


I don't think it's an age thing at all. First time I told any buddies I loved 'em was when we were about 20. I hug my buddies all the time in greeting or goodbye. Most of my buddies are "men's men", tradesmen, driven with very strong personalities (...and we're all heterosexual...).

I've been close friends with some of them for over 40 years.

I don't think we are anomolies at all in how we relate to each other.

 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 252
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 2:00:26 PM
Women just like to believe that because men don't express themselves emotionally when they are around women, they don't do it at all. Women love to feel they are they only humans who have a full spectrum of emotions and that the way they express them is the only proper way to do it.


You are projecting that. I never said that. I've experienced men having being MORE sensitive and MORE emotional than women, but with women NOT men.

I never see a single man on a social site that I am on welcoming another man to the site. Men will not attend an event where there are only men just to make friends. They need women there so that they don't look "gay". I think it's silly frankly.


I often see women as the emotionally stunted sex since they are completely oblivious, even choose to ignore or be insensitive, how their guy "friends" feel about the "friendship" between the two people.


That's an interesting point actually and I do know there are people out there like that. Too many people assume that their partner is okay with something when they might not be.


I hug my buddies all the time in greeting or goodbye. Most of my buddies are "men's men", tradesmen, driven with very strong personalities (...and we're all heterosexual...).


HOW do you hug them though? Is it those pats on the back or are they real hugs? And when you say you love them, is it "I love you man" in some casual way or is it said with emotion?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 253
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 2:21:53 PM
Women just like to believe that because men don't express themselves emotionally when they are around women, they don't do it at all. Women love to feel they are they only humans who have a full spectrum of emotions and that the way they express them is the only proper way to do it.

Men don't express themselves emotionally when they are around women? Booooooooohihihihihi As emotional as many women can be, I've certainly seen my fair share of men who are more emotionally expressive than women. Then again, I suppose it depends on who they feel they can trust with their emotions not to be used against them...so I can kinda see the point in general terms, if women do get guys to open up and then throw it in their faces like some secret type of sexual warfare.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 254
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 3:53:51 PM

(happybunny8) I never see a single man on a social site that I am on welcoming another man to the site. Men will not attend an event where there are only men just to make friends. They need women there so that they don't look "gay". I think it's silly frankly.


Ah, yes, the "Men don't think and act like women; therefore, they're big doody-heads!" argument. Classic, just classic...

Phil...
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 255
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 5:23:06 PM
"Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??"
-----------
At the point where common sense ends.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 256
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 7:22:01 PM
I never see a single man on a social site that I am on welcoming another man to the site. Men will not attend an event where there are only men just to make friends. They need women there so that they don't look "gay". I think it's silly frankly.


So, YOU feel that men who don't invite other men to their "social sites" like Facebook, Myspace and other sites are somehow flawed? You think that men won't attend an event where there are only men to make friends doesn't happen?

You have absolutely ZERO understanding about men, woman.

Because men don't, or don't want to, interact like you and your personal flock of harpies doesn't mean men are not social creatures just as you and your sisters are...

... we'd just perfer to talk about important stuff, like hockey, football and cars...


HOW do you hug them though?


What kind of fvcked up question is that?

HOW do I HUG my male friends?

What? You want to know if we get close enough that we might rub our crotches together? Rub each others' backs? Rub cheeks? Grind each other? Whisper to each other in an intimate embrace?

Who the fvck CARES how I hug my buddies? What the fvck difference does that make?

Do I give them a little grope and a jiggle when I tell them I love them? Who fvcking CARES? Why to YOU care? What the hell will it tell you about me and my friends?

How is HOW I say something to someone I love your or anyone else's concern?

The emotion is honest and expressed.

You are a perfect example of women who can't find a decent man because you believe that men should kowtow and express themselve in a way that YOU define. YOU are far too typical of too many women. You measure men by the standard of your female experience and by a female mearsuring stick...

... and invariably find every man measures up short of what YOU define, rather than accept that a man's experience and perspective has value.

Cheers.

 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 257
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 7:35:47 PM

As emotional as many women can be, I've certainly seen my fair share of men who are more emotionally expressive than women.


Of course...

... but the men who ARE emotionally expressive with women will invariably end up on the woman's Friends List....

... while the guy still wants to bang the woman who's listened to his emotional spewings ....

 errant71
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 258
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/9/2010 8:06:34 PM
There is truth, for me, in this statement:

"You measure men by the standard of your female experience and by a female measuring stick ... and invariably find every man measures up short of what YOU define, rather than accept that a man's experience and perspective has value".

The 'you' would not be singular ... but plural ... and encompass "some".

I treasure/celebrate male/female differences in emotional "styles", thinking "styles", et al. An androgynous world would not be to my taste.

Likewise, I see value in refraining from drawing lines and making rules since "It's all about communication" ...

.... but this sort of ambiguity is not for everyone ... it can set us free or it can feel monumentally insecure. It's all in your own truth and your own perspective. One size does not fit all ... thank goodness!!
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 259
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/12/2010 9:32:19 AM

(MisterDoctor) Eeeeeh, drawing lines is silly. If the relationship is agreed by both parties to be totally monogamous, then the only 'line' to draw is the assumed no kissing/sex/etc. Having meals together and going on trips is fine, as is sharing beds if you actually, y'know, TRUST them. If you don't trust them, then your relationship's probably not too great anyway. I'm into camping, sometimes I will share a tent with a female friend - it doesn't mean we'll do the dirty, and the same applies to if I were to share a bed with them - I've done it before when I've been staying in places with limited sleeping space/duvets. I've also dated a few bisexuals; it'd be silly for me to impose 'rules' of that nature on them, as it'd just limit every friendship they have. It's all about communication.


No, it's about the emotional devastation that a person will face when dumped/cheated on/a million other bad things that a little common sense could have avoided. You can pass it off with glib dismissals of "Well, if they cheated, they weren't the ones for you!". When people utter that, it suggests that they've never experienced emotional pain, which is callow, or they don't care about the pain of others, which is just downright scary.

Phil...
 mansman4321
Joined: 5/30/2010
Msg: 260
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/12/2010 12:28:43 PM
I agree with brown eyes woman.Any thing that involves ME not being welcomed....out the door.
Anouther good rule of thumb is no body parts of either should be in the other's mouth.....think about it!
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 261
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/13/2010 6:59:02 PM
Of course...

... but the men who ARE emotionally expressive with women will invariably end up on the woman's Friends List....

... while the guy still wants to bang the woman who's listened to his emotional spewings ....


LOL, well I kinda meant the men I am close with in my life - family and men I've been in relationships with.

But it's interesting that you say the above, because again it shows how society (and if it is just women, WHY are men kowtowing to how women say they should act? Because it's not just women) dictates how men should act. Showing emotions is a bad thing for men apparently. Note however, that if women are too emotionally expressive with a man before becoming serious, men are not crazy about it either.

I guess the balance is finding someone who is at the same emotionally expressive level!


You are a perfect example of women who can't find a decent man because you believe that men should kowtow and express themselve in a way that YOU define. YOU are far too typical of too many women. You measure men by the standard of your female experience and by a female mearsuring stick...


Again, you are projecting. I'm not measuring anyone, I'm simply giving you the experiences of what I've seen in male/male relationships vs male/female relationships. You also missed the point where I thought it was silly that society forces men to withhold their emotions, so I don't define anything.

But reading your above post is very telling and is kinda contradictory to what you are saying here. As for the hug thing, c'mon, you know what I was referring to. I've not seen many grown men hug for more than 30 seconds.


So, YOU feel that men who don't invite other men to their "social sites" like Facebook, Myspace and other sites are somehow flawed? You think that men won't attend an event where there are only men to make friends doesn't happen?


Projection - never said they were flawed (I said they were unfortunate slaves to what older generations thought a man should be) and I never talked about inviting people to facebook or myspace. The social sites I talk about are sites where we actually end up doing activities in person and it is NOT a dating site. And no, there are not many men who will attend a "sausage only" event where there are only complete strangers who are men going - I've seen the "sausage" comments enough on many many real world social networks.

You seem to keep missing the point that I KNOW men are capable of deep emotion. I've just rarely seen it between two men until it is too late or maybe they are hiding it? If so, WHY? But that is for another thread.....


Eeeeeh, drawing lines is silly. If the relationship is agreed by both parties to be totally monogamous, then the only 'line' to draw is the assumed no kissing/sex/etc. Having meals together and going on trips is fine, as is sharing beds if you actually, y'know, TRUST them. If you don't trust them, then your relationship's probably not too great anyway. I'm into camping, sometimes I will share a tent with a female friend - it doesn't mean we'll do the dirty, and the same applies to if I were to share a bed with them - I've done it before when I've been staying in places with limited sleeping space/duvets. I've also dated a few bisexuals; it'd be silly for me to impose 'rules' of that nature on them, as it'd just limit every friendship they have. It's all about communication.


Hmmm. While I have grown to see the other side since coming on this
thread, I would NEVER sleep in the same bed as an opposite sex
friend who had a SO. But for me, this is all about extending respect
to the couple and my male friends' wives/GF.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 262
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/14/2010 4:38:54 PM

Again, you are projecting.


Are you sure you even know what that term means? I'm thinking not.


Showing emotions is a bad thing for men apparently.


When it comes to the mating game, yes.... and likely in a larger societal sense as well. Perhaps it IS society in general, but women specifically who often influence men's behaviour. Generally, men want to get laid. Generally, men adjust to whatever the environment is to that their chances of getting laid are enhanced.

Men who are emotionally expressive run a definite risk of being tossed onto the Friends Heap.

Here's a link from a recent study:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1284519/Why-modest-men-brush-women.html?ito=feeds-newsxml


As for the hug thing, c'mon, you know what I was referring to. I've not seen many grown men hug for more than 30 seconds.


What is it with you and hugs? Now, we have to hug for longer than 30 seconds or else we aren't showing the proper level of emotion? The longer I hug my buddies, the more I love them? Would planting a big wet one on them prove that I care? Sheesh...

I mean, come ON, how many women out there hug each other for longer than 30 seconds?

NOT ENOUGH, in my humble opinion.....

.... I love it when two women get right in there and rub body parts together, the longer the better....

... I think more women should start showing their affection for each other like that....


The social sites I talk about are sites where we actually end up doing activities in person and it is NOT a dating site.


We go to places like that all the time. They're called PUBS.....

..... and, for the first few hours we're there, we couldn't give a shit if the only woman in there is the one who is bringing us our pints.....

You're probably talking about strolling clubs, or knitting clubs. Generally, men just don't do those sorts of things.....

It seems that you believe the female way of emotional expression is superior and that ALL men should follow women's lead. I don't agree and I think it's goofy to expect men to express themselves in the same way that women do.

 Savona
Joined: 5/1/2010
Msg: 263
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/14/2010 5:00:34 PM


I mean, come ON, how many women out there hug each other for longer than 30 seconds?

NOT ENOUGH, in my humble opinion.....

.... I love it when two women get right in there and rub body parts together, the longer the better....

... I think more women should start showing their affection for each other like that....


Of course being a french gal from Montreal this is pretty much the norm. Women show allot of affection for each other and hug really BIG genuine hugs when we see each other. Not to damage your brain but no we don't go further than a good big kiss, no tongue. wondering where dreamy is ? Oh Hi Capitano sweetie pie ... just noticed you here hehehe



I think it's goofy to expect men to express themselves in the same way that women do.


I think it is goofy too. If men act like women to me it seems effeminate and that is pretty much a big turn off.

I do draw the line when it comes to opposite sex friends. I would not be digging a man who is camping and sleeping with other women ... no shagging. What ever.

So yea maybe I am stuck, but I like being stuck in this way. Friends of opposite sex is wonderful but there is ALWAYS a line to me that there is no crossing, and I am not going to say where that line is for me but lets just say I am not nearly as open minded as some of you seem to be.

S
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 264
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/14/2010 5:19:13 PM
Not to damage your brain but no we don't go further than a good big kiss, no tongue.


See? Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about. I lived in Montreal for the better part of a year one year and the women are HAWT and very affectionate even to us anglophones as well as their female friends......


...wondering where dreamy is ? Oh Hi Capitano sweetie pie ... just noticed you here hehehe...


Yeah, where the hell is she? I keep checking my inbox every day for those pictures she promised....

.... and, personally, I think it's WAY past time for a Capitano sammich...





EDIT to add:


abelian: You can't be serious. I do not want a man to hug me for 1 second, much less 30 seconds. We shake hands (and I'm not all that keen on doing that). I personally think all of this hugging your friends stuff indicates nothing but some weird idea of social decorum.


Geez... maybe my buddies and I are the only men in North America who have no problem with a (no groping type) hug....

... I feel even specialler than I did when I woke up this morning.....

... but NOT hockey helmet, short bus kinda special....

 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 265
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/14/2010 5:22:12 PM
I'm not measuring anyone, I'm simply giving you the experiences of what I've seen in male/male relationships vs male/female relationships. You also missed the point where I thought it was silly that society forces men to withhold their emotions, so I don't define anything.

As evaluated through your own eyes. Jus because women do it, doesn't mean it's a good idea.

As for the hug thing, c'mon, you know what I was referring to. I've not seen many grown men hug for more than 30 seconds.

At least not straight men. You can't be serious. I do not want a man to hug me for 1 second, much less 30 seconds. We shake hands (and I'm not all that keen on doing that). I personally think all of this hugging your friends stuff indicates nothing but some weird idea of social decorum. I hug my SO and one or two female friends who think I'm supposed to do that sort of thing. It's rather meaningless if you don't reserve those gestures for special people.

I've just rarely seen it between two men until it is too late or maybe they are hiding it? If so, WHY?

I don't get the too late part. Too late for what - to salvage their friendship at the hugging level? Maybe they'd rather do something about a problem than just cry about it together.

And no, there are not many men who will attend a "sausage only" event where there are only complete strangers who are men going

Why would i want to attend any event where the people are complete strangers unless it served some purpose that was in and of itself, the only reason for attending? In that case, I vould make a case for attending a mixed event for the purpose of getting laid regardless of the pretense for the event. That would obviously rule out attending a sausage only event for social reasons (at least for me).

Women show allot of affection for each other and hug really BIG genuine hugs when we see each other.

Uh, if hugging is so prevalent, it can't mean very much or be genuine in any sense but a genuine desire to adhere to social custom. The importance of any affectionate gesture is determined by how exclusive it is. If you hug everyone, it's no different than just passing by apart from taking more time.


 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 266
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/14/2010 7:58:41 PM
At least not straight men. You can't be serious. I do not want a man to hug me for 1 second, much less 30 seconds. We shake hands (and I'm not all that keen on doing that). I personally think all of this hugging your friends stuff indicates nothing but some weird idea of social decorum. I hug my SO and one or two female friends who think I'm supposed to do that sort of thing. It's rather meaningless if you don't reserve those gestures for special people.


I agree with what you have written and as I said I rarely see men express the same type of open "love" for their male friends as women do for their female friends. I don't care whether it's wrong or right or which is the better way. I'm simply saying that because men do not act the same way with their male friends.


Maybe they'd rather do something about a problem than just cry about it together.


But a man WILL cry about something with a woman instead, but not with their male friends.


mean, come ON, how many women out there hug each other for longer than 30 seconds?
NOT ENOUGH, in my humble opinion.....
.... I love it when two women get right in there and rub body parts together, the longer the better....
.. I think more women should start showing their affection for each other like that....


LOL! Well, at a recent funeral, me and my girlfriend held on to each other as we walked back and that was about 5 minutes. Other times we have cried and held each other for several minutes for support. I've also held men for longer than that and they "needed" it as they cried into my shoulder; why couldn't they let this out with their male friends? I understand that it is goofy, believe me - but again WHO planted the idea that it is goofy/gay in all our minds?


It seems that you believe the female way of emotional expression is superior and that ALL men should follow women's lead. I don't agree and I think it's goofy to expect men to express themselves in the same way that women do.


You're the one who keeps saying that you do hug and that you do express yourself on a similar level as women do with their female friends. I don't think that men should follow women's lead, I'm simply saying that men CANNOT express themselves as openly with men as they can with women.

Why do men then express those emotions with women if it is so goofy?

I have to stop commenting on this though because I've taken us completely OT for goodness sakes. Darn you Capitano LOL!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 267
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/14/2010 8:22:12 PM

I'm simply saying that because men do not act the same way with their male friends.

I can't say how most guys act, but unless I'm sexually interested in a woman, I only go along with the touchy-feely stuff from women to the extent that it's not too personal. In other words, when in Rome, try to do as the Romans do.

But a man WILL cry about something with a woman instead, but not with their male friends.

I don't cry and if I were so inclined, I would NOT do it around a woman, since women (e.g., my fiancee) sort of expect men to not go to pieces in a crisis. I'd be happy if women didn't cry, too, but realistically, I don't think that's very likely.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 268
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/15/2010 2:28:48 PM
i would say to respect each other on this issue. talk about it.
dont do things behind the yr SO's back..even lunches.
something is wrong if you have to hide it. even if you arent cheating physically, you can be emotionally. or you can be leading the other freind on to thinking you like them more than you do.
so..if you dont tell yr friend you have a bf or gf...that is wrong too.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 269
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 6/16/2010 3:47:13 PM

Women show allot of affection for each other and hug really BIG genuine hugs when we see each other.


And... ?

Phil...
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 270
view profile
History
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 8/19/2010 8:45:38 PM

1. Lunch dates are OK but 1 on 1 Dinner's are a big no.

2. Sleeping in the same bed is not cool.

3. Going on long trips together or visiting one another for extended periods of time is kind of shady. Especially if it will just be you and him/her.


My ex did all 3...while # 2 was more like sleeping under the same roof.
I felt that went way over the line of friendship.
I also felt the line drawn when his other ex leaves messages: "Hi Handsome"

Being single is bliss when it comes to a lover who's exs are so apart of their lives.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 271
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 8/20/2010 12:28:41 AM

1. Lunch dates are OK but 1 on 1 Dinner's are a big no.

2. Sleeping in the same bed is not cool.

3. Going on long trips together or visiting one another for extended periods of time is kind of shady. Especially if it will just be you and him/her.


#2 & #3 are, I think, a given.

#1... well, it depends. If the GF (in my case) has met the friend, if she's invited along and can't go for whatever reason, and if she *trusts* you and the friend, I don't think either lunch or dinner is really an issue. If the trust isn't there though, you shouldn't be doing it.
 WildAndChill
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 272
view profile
History
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 8/20/2010 12:48:38 AM
I am a guy and I totally agree with your set of rules. I try to cultivate opposite sex friendships with people who are in relationships so that we can have double dates. I find these kinds of interactions will deepen your existing relationship vs cause you to question your existing relationship.
 lookingforbigo
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 273
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 8/30/2011 7:42:43 AM
would the same rule apply to a same sex gay friend. Could 2 men or 2 woman share a bed if one was gay.
 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 274
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 8/30/2011 11:20:38 AM

I will do anything with an opposite sex friend as I would with a same sex friend. A friend is a friend no matter the packaging.


Does that include blow jobs?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 275
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 8/30/2011 1:00:53 PM
would the same rule apply to a same sex gay friend. Could 2 men or 2 woman share a bed if one was gay.

Well, I'd feel weird sharing a bed with another guy, whether he's gay or not, so that solves the problem on my end. I also think it's not really a good idea to do something that might be misinterpreted, so why climb into bed with someone who might be sexually attracted to you, straight or gay? I know women are more inclined to share a bed so that neither has to sleep on the floor, but since I wouldn't care if my fiancee had an interest in a woman, that problem is also non-existent. I would, however, be opposed to her sharing a bed with a guy and I would never consider sharing a bed with another no matter how innocent it was. It just seems inapproriate to put my partner in the position of having to question my behavior. Trust is one thing, but expecting someone to be oblivious is quite another. I think I'd have to question my fiancee's reasoning ability if she didn't have a lot of reservations (at the very least) about me sharing a bed with another woman. Sure, I could cheat anywhere, but I wouldn't expect her to overlook the obvious. A wife that oblivious would be a cheater's dream come true. Trust is earned by behaving in a trustworthy and transparent way, not pushing it to see what one can get away with before the alarms go off.
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