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 MrFication
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 101
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Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??Page 5 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I feel that the person I would be with would want to be with me--but probably not every minute of every day. Some people need personal space. So if she had male friends she wanted to hang out with, then fine. They can go watch movies, have dinner, feed the homeless, rescue kittens.....not really my business. I don't need to know everything they do, it would probably bore me--as the reason I'm not doing those things with her. I could care less if they go on sunset beach walks, but I would think that some I trust enough to enter into a relationship would know that you probably don't hold hands on these walks.
As for anything intimate, I would hope that I could provide everything she would need. If not, and it can't be resolved, then let each other go--to find true happiness. I don't want to control her, I would let her know how I would want to be treated though. Why anyone would stay with another person after cheating is beyond me....do they feel it obligatory to see a final return on time invested? I don't know.
I also wouldn't want to teach a SO about respect, decorum, or boundaries--those are part of the qualities they would have displayed to earn the trust to begin an actual relationship to begin with.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 102
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 12:20:59 PM

well gosh, since the #1 killer of women in the world is aids, what human with any intelligence what so ever wants to stretch the boundaries of opposite sex friends?

The number one killer of women in the United States is heart disease. So, is it okay to have opposite sex friends as long as we don’t nosh on Fat Burgers, bacon grease, and pork rinds together?

IMO, infidelity is an issue of CHARACTER. Either you got it, or you don’t. That being said, when involved in a relationship, the protocol for interrelating with opposite sex friends should be something that is determined by the couple in the relationship. This is yet another variable of compatibility that will be different for everyone. If one does not like a S.O. hanging out with opposite sex friends, then don’t become involved with someone who has a lot of opposite sex friends.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 103
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 12:29:23 PM
No opposite sex friends period is where I draw the line, no one needs opposite sex friends unless they are your girlfriends or boyfriends.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 104
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 1:41:26 PM

You do realize that 9 out of 10 of you male friends would bang you if you gave them an opening, right?

Women are so naive about this sort of thing.


I agree with you.I find it extremely naive when women don't think their "platonic" male friends would stay platonic if you offered sex to them.Most men(not all) would take it without a second though.

This reminds me of that soap opera actress,can't remember her name,she was on Passions,who started doing porn and as soon as she started doing porn all her "platonic" male friends started sniffing around,hinting and outright asking her for sex.She was outraged and could not believe her male friends would ask her for that.Well when a man sees you doing strangers on camera for all the world to see the first thought that would pop into most mens mind is "if she will do it with him she'll probably do it with me".
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 105
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 1:47:07 PM
frau blucher,
nope its not solely an issue of character. when we choose to maintain close opposite sex friendships, it also becomes an issue of phermones and physiology.

many many people have affairs that swore that it wasn't in their character and they truly surprised themselves. "i'm so sorry it just happened, we were fighting and he and i had drink after work and then one thing led to another....." is a classic line.

our parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents didn't have separate opposite sex friends or ex's hanging around. it was socially unacceptable and they maintained gender boundaries. this is a new and dangerous pheomena. determining compatability in this arena is very tricky.....everyone wants to draw the line in different places there is no new precedence set and the stakes are very high.
 Frau Blücher
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 106
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 2:31:31 PM

frau blucher,
nope its not solely an issue of character. when we choose to maintain close opposite sex friendships, it also becomes an issue of phermones and physiology.

Source?

Again, in MY opinion, if you cheat it’s not your pheromones that “made you do it”. Also, just because you say something is so, it doesn’t make it true.


many many people have affairs that swore that it wasn't in their character and they truly surprised themselves. "i'm so sorry it just happened, we were fighting and he and i had drink after work and then one thing led to another....." is a classic line.

Source?

Do you personally know the character of these “many, many people”? IME, the people I have encountered who lacked character would be the first to use another classic line: “I didn’t think it was in my character to...”


our parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents didn't have separate opposite sex friends or ex's hanging around. it was socially unacceptable and they maintained gender boundaries. this is a new and dangerous pheomena. determining compatability in this arena is very tricky.....everyone wants to draw the line in different places there is no new precedence set and the stakes are very high.

Source? Oh, and please don’t add EXE’S into the mix; that was NOT part the original post.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 107
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 2:41:11 PM
I am with sleeping beauty on this one. i think it is socially unacceptable to keep friends of the opposite sex and I know I won't date any one that keeps friends of the opposite sex, if you want a friend stick to your own gender period.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 108
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 2:41:59 PM

This reminds me of that soap opera actress,can't remember her name,she was on Passions,who started doing porn and as soon as she started doing porn all her "platonic" male friends started sniffing around,hinting and outright asking her for sex.She was outraged and could not believe her male friends would ask her for that.Well when a man sees you doing strangers on camera for all the world to see the first thought that would pop into most mens mind is "if she will do it with him she'll probably do it with me".

Another fine example (not]. A porn star as an example of a person with high character with male friends who requested some of the action. She has questionable character, so it stands to reason her male friends lack character as well. Do you imagine if she was doing a talk circuit teaching abstinance that her male friends would be asking for some of the action? This type of example is definitely not proving your point - to the contrary, you are proving people tend to surround themselves with others of the same character. Thanks for proving my earlier point.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 109
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Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 3:27:09 PM

You do realize that 9 out of 10 of you male friends would bang you if you gave them an opening, right?

It doesnt matter who wants to "bang me" if I was happy in a relationship then that is just not going to happen
Friends know where to draw the line, they know where a comfort level is. Friends care enough about a relationship not to cross certain lines.
If I was happy in a relationship and Brad Pitt threw himself at my feet. nothing sexual is never going to happen!!
I have enough love and respect for the man in my life to honour him and not betray him. I would hope the same in return.
It this suddenly becomes a problem, then we decide to end it!
I refuse to worry about who he is with and what/who he is doing 24/7.

quite frankly......Id rather be golfing! :)



This has zero to do with insecurity. It has everything to do with experience.

it has everything to do with insecurity and again..I will never make someone pay for someone elses mistakes



She is free to go and do whatever she wants with her male "friends", absolutely, but if she's spending all sorts of time with her male "friends" I'm gonna start cultivating some female "friends" of my own....

laffs...how immature of you. When a woman has a male friend for the past 15 or 20 years it is hardly comparable to just going out to find a friend of the oposite sex to piss your S.O. off..
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 110
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 4:05:27 PM

I am with sleeping beauty on this one. i think it is socially unacceptable to keep friends of the opposite sex and I know I won't date any one that keeps friends of the opposite sex, if you want a friend stick to your own gender period.


So you just refuse the friendship outright of half the world's population simply because you happen not to have the same set of sexual organs? I find that rather sad, personally.


nope its not solely an issue of character. when we choose to maintain close opposite sex friendships, it also becomes an issue of phermones and physiology.


Sure, pheromones happen; and if you have character, you can say that it's time for you to go, or you can avoid kissing said person, or whatever. Unless your "friend" is slipping you roofies, you always have a choice. One thing only leads to another if you start with one thing, and keep going. You can say no at any point, and if you don't, that's on you (generic "you", in this context).

If you don't have the strength to say no should you feel something other than friendship with a friend while you're in another relationship, then sure, don't hang out with opposite sex friends; however, if you're capable of saying no, or of not feeling tempted in the first place and capable of maintaining actual platonic friendships, then it's not a real issue and you can hang out with opposite sex friends without any issues whatsoever.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 111
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 8:25:56 PM
i still disagree. its not even just about affairs.....

you have an opposite sex co-worker or friend who happens to be rather attractive and a good catch. you are going thru difficult times in your relationship and this other friend begins to show romantic interest and you have already established intimacy because thats an essential ingredient in friendships.

can you be tempted to leave the relationship and its rocky period behind and go for the friend? you already have a couple of toes and maybe a foot into it already by just hanging out together as "friends". then perhaps lingering in this temptation zone while you either work things out or not. i've been there and i'll bet so have the majority of people on this site. and yes i left the s.o. for the co-worker. i was 21.

all i know is when my relationships have been rough.....co-workers and males acquaintences etc...all of a sudden start showing interest where there was none before.

no frau butcher i don't memorize sources on all the articles, papers and books i have read. i'm sure you could search "phermones" on the web and find a plethora of information about documented studies done on the subject. i thought it was common knowledge at this point.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 112
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/22/2010 8:26:36 PM

it has everything to do with insecurity and again..I will never make someone pay for someone elses mistakes


Good for you, darling.

Having learned through experience has nothing to do with insecurity. It has quite a bit to do with learning from mistakes and misplaced trust.


laffs...how immature of you.


Immature? How so? She's out there making male "friends" and I'm not supposed to do the same? She can do whatever she wants, but I'd be immature for doing the same thing?

Okey-dokey.

And, there are situations where I have no problem with a girlfriend having friends of the opposite sex. You've pointed one of those situations out.

As I said before, you are an anomaly, perhaps, but experience directly and indirectly has shown me that many women who are constantly making male "friends" often end up banging one or more of those guys. Great, excellent, good on them. I just choose not to stay involved with women like that.

You may be prefect. All your friends may be perfect. All the women in the fora may be perfect, but lots of women end up banging their male "friends"....

.... and 9 out of 10 of your male friends would bang you given the opportunity...

Like I said before, women's naivete is excellent....

... it' a way for the sneaky, patient, less assertive guys to get laid....

 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 113
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 12:18:03 AM
Sigh.

Okay, I'll ask the question I ask every single darn time this topic comes up.

How many long term relationships +15 years (even less in some cases) does anyone know of where either person has an exclusive very close opposite sex friend? I have several friends who have been in relationships this long.

Personally I know none. One woman on these forums answered this question once. She said that she used to.

She was divorced, so it obviously wasn't relevant as it wasn't a long term relationship at that point and I truly wonder what her husband thought of her having those male friends.

Let's hear it folks. How many do you know of?

Maybe things are changing and opposite sex friends are now the norm, but I haven't met anyone where this applies yet.....

And my experience has also been that when a relationship is rocky and an opposite sex friend is "there" to lean on - there has been a lot more than leaning that eventually happens.

Now perhaps this is a good thing because it proves the relationship never had merit. But with the propensity of people up and running out of commitment and divorcing at the drop of a hat, I'd say that it is a very attractive offer because in today's society, putting effort into trying to make a relationship work is not the norm unfortunately.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 114
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 12:30:32 AM

Another fine example (not]. A porn star as an example of a person with high character with male friends who requested some of the action. She has questionable character, so it stands to reason her male friends lack character as well. Do you imagine if she was doing a talk circuit teaching abstinance that her male friends would be asking for some of the action? This type of example is definitely not proving your point - to the contrary, you are proving people tend to surround themselves with others of the same character. Thanks for proving my earlier point.



She was not always a porn star.She was previously just a regular actress,did a porno and then all of this happened.When she made all of her friends she was not doing porn.

Your extremely immature if you actually believe that most of your male friends would not have sex with you if you gave them a chance.That's being extremely naive.
 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 115
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 1:33:30 AM
There is nothing sexual in a true friendship! Friends have no gender..

Some persons have not been taught social decorum.
Of course our friends have gender….and those who appreciate good manners and are respectful of our differences know, acknowledge and respect this fact.


They are in your life because you care for each other and you dont ever cross that sexual line!!
Anyone that thinks otherwise should perhaps seek professional help

Perhaps it is the person who believes that persons of different sex do not exist between friends, and therefore will not respect this difference, is the one who is in need of help….socially….and professionally.

Persons that care for one another make certain, or at least attempt to,
behave in ways that will never give pause or cause for concern to others.
We do not just behave in your fashion which is indicative of expecting others to trust blindly.
It is why we behave in certain fashions.
We do not throw ourselves into bed with friends of the opposite sex and then exclaim, as you have,

“It’s ok……..we are friends….no friends have ever been known to cross the line"……..pfffttt.

Ignorant, Pollyannaish rants.


no one wants to be around someone who is nagging, ****ing and trying to control.


The day my husband or lover wants to vacation with another woman color me anything but stupidly agreeable.


I dont see where you can classify that " ignorant and self conseeded" ~rain~

I think she meant conceited; look it up, here I’ll do it for you

con·ceit·ed adj
1. too proud: having or showing an excessively high opinion of your own qualities or abilities

Encarta ® World English Dictionary

If you are taken, as you have conceitedly exclaimed, then why are you listed here as Single?
And why the vulgar opening line: SEXY AS F*C* truck on your profile.

Your boyfriend is either a fool or into……..very close friendships.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 116
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Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 1:56:24 AM
I would draw the line on anything that was a 'date' between them, and there's no reason for them having to share a bed or any of that sitcom nonsense. I don't screw my friends, I don't have sexual fantasies about them and I don't end up in inappropriate positions with them. I'm not stupid and I'm not needy for sexual attention from anyone but someone I was having sex with, the whole thing is a dumb game people who like sexual tension play. I have no interest in that sort of thing nor am I stupid enough to think it's all innocent when opposite gender friends play that game. I won't be dating a man who crosses the boundaries or teases the boundaries. It isn't so much that I have a list of do's & don'ts, it's that I know BS when I hear/see it and I won't be sticking around a man who crosses lines with friends.
 happyhappydays
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 117
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 2:27:44 AM
I don't think there is anything wrong with having dinner with a friend of the opposite gender. I catch up with a mate about once a month for dinner. He has a girlfriend, I respect that, he has many female friends, as long as the line is not crossed there is nothing wrong with that.
Sharing a bed is not on, that is very intimate. I would not be impressed if my boyfriend shared a bed with a female.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 118
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 4:39:50 AM

can you be tempted to leave the relationship and its rocky period behind and go for the friend? you already have a couple of toes and maybe a foot into it already by just hanging out together as "friends".


So this is where some of the disagreement comes from. In my view, I don't have "a couple of toes into it" by being friends with someone. I almost never date friends--once a purely friends dynamic is established, that's how I tend to view my friends. And no, I've never hit a rough spot, talked with a male friend, and left an SO for that friend.

I'll also point out that anyone who wanted me to leave someone for them couldn't be a hugely ethical person, really, and I wouldn't trust him not to do the same thing and leave if I hit a rough spot with him. So the idea that he was being my "friend" with other motives would turn me off enough right there.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 119
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Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 6:02:40 AM
Msg 2 is my thoughts.

A friend is a friend.

While I do speak/act differently around females, then males (male thing..swearing, scratching where it itches..hey, we're guys..we do that sorta stuff), and am mindful of the difference in our sex..a friend is still a friend.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 120
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Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 6:03:46 AM
dorfus..I suspect you don't have many friends, with this attitude..if it's real.

Pity.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 121
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 11:36:54 AM

(CB) This has zero to do with insecurity. It has everything to do with experience.


(~rain~) it has everything to do with insecurity ...


Fine. We get it: you think that not liking your SO chumming around with his/her exes MUST stem from insecurity.

I think that anyone who expects his/her SO to be fine with this, is an inconsiderate clod. So, it's a stalemate: you can call US names, we can call YOU names. What it all boils down to, is we're PROBABLY not compatible dating material.

Phil's Barometer of Acceptable Behaviour:

My SO wanting to have lunch with an ex: yeah, sure, whatever.
Dinner: Minor trigger that something ain't right...
Sleep in the same domicile (to say nothing of the same bed): What is WRONG with y0u, that you even THINK that this is appropriate to ASK, let alone DO? Here's your walking papers...

Sure is fun!

Phil...
 principles of magic
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 122
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 12:39:58 PM
(note to Phil: this is not the thread about exes as friends.)

happy bunny asks:


How many long term relationships +15 years (even less in some cases) does anyone know of where either person has an exclusive very close opposite sex friend? I have several friends who have been in relationships this long.

Personally I know none.


Two close friends of mine are in long term relationships of more than 15 years and both have very close male friends. Over the years, the male friends have also become friends with the women's partners. I have lots of friends in ltr, including long marriages, who have opposite sex friends. I couldn't say how close those friendships are, but they certainly exist.

To share a bed with an opposite friend would, it seems to me, be quite unusual. I'd have questions for a partner who wanted to do this and I would expect to be asked questions if it ever seemed to an SO that I might share a bed with a male friend.

To visit a friend in another city, to have dinner, lunch, snacks, go golfing, fishing, etc., etc., including one-on-one alone time - - all fine -- I would expect a partner would have some kind of social life with friends of the opposite sex just as I'd expect he'd socialize with male friends.
 canadianguy976
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 123
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 12:43:21 PM
this is a really interesting one. i will read it

my girlfriend goes out with guy friends and I'm never really invited along, they tend to buy her lots of crap and pay for everything, it makes me a bit uncomfortable, but i dont think she's cheating. i find it kind of annoying that she'd do that. i dont care about guy friends, but to me, i should be de-facto invited along (although not come every time) and the gifts and food and expenses should be pay-your-own-way or mutually shared. having a guy take a girl out and pay for everything just seems too much like a date to me, at least that's probably what the other guy is thinking anyways
 canadianguy976
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 124
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 1:02:21 PM
k i read everything

i think as long as the friendship is open to the partner a friend of the opposite sex is fine. caveat that: as long as it is open to the partner. A private friendship with the opposite sex has got to go. Maybe the friend is a dork and I wont like the guy, and I wont hang out with the two of them very often; but I want to be invited along to whatever by default.

as for the women, they arent going to like this but the men will understand it (dont bother flaming me over it ladies)

women and men have different versions of 'telling the truth'. To a man, once something comes out of his lips, if he's not intentionally lying at that very point, he holds himself to that throughout the past, present and future. To a man, a 'truth' is linked to his 'honor' and a truth is set in stone, any woman who asks a man to change something about himself or the way his house looks or the types of clothes that he wears will have encountered this. this is the guy fighting back; "this is who I am. I will not change who I am". Guys will hold onto old shoes and old hats and baseballs and sports equipment and also statements of truth they make.

to a woman, telling the truth just means she is telling how she feels right now. as in, 'well we were friends then but now we are in love, i wasnt lying, things have changed'. I know thats going to come across as a bit loaded but its really topical. This is why the guys on these boards over 30 are so jaded about the whole "he's just a friend" statement. To women, the 'truth' is adaptable, malleable, and changeable given the current circumstances. I had a girlfriend for a long time who wrote 'always and forever' on every card, note, inscription on a ring, and after every major romantic moment. One day, she decided she wanted to sleep around, and the whole concept of compromise was a waste of time. When I prodded her about that, she said, "i wasnt lying, I really meant that - at the time, now things are different".

This is the differences in concept for a mans truth and a woman's truth.

So whatever the case is between a particular male friend and a woman friend, the statment that 9 out of 10 of those guys would bang the girl if given the opening, is totally true. In fact, 8 out of those 10 guys are only there because they're waiting for the opening, there might be one out of those 10 guys who actually is seriously there for the friendship; if only the women actually knew about that one.

I cant count how many times I've gotten together with a girl who recently "befriended" me, who wasnt single when I met her. Once the guard was down and she felt comfortable with me, she would dump the boyfriend and start sleeping with me. Call it bawdy choices in women or whatever you want; I'm sure to her boyfriend I was just "a friend", that is I was just "a friend" until I was banging her regularly and she started calling me her knight in shining armour.

If the relationship is open to the partner, then you can see the innuendo between the two. If they talk for hours but have nothing to talk about when you're around, it's time to tell the guy to take a hike. Or if you go out with them and they're blabbering away about some work bullsh.t or some sport or shared interest and you're yawning and falling asleep, they probably do have good friendship worth maintaining and you've got nothing to be worried about.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 125
Opposite sex friends...where do you draw the line??
Posted: 5/23/2010 1:27:45 PM
principles of magic,

didn't i read in another thread that you are into a polyamorous lifestyle? if i remember correctly namrael is into it also.

in the polyamorous community its would be expected to have zero gender boundaries. polyamory is not the normal.....why do you bring these values into a discussion in a monogamous society?
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