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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..      Home login  
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 4rumOnly
Joined: 5/27/2010
Msg: 26
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Apollodorus: My bf and I have done numerous things , on my
suggestion, that does not require one penny spent. Walking in the
park, window shopping, cooking a meal together, rollerblading,
bicycling ... very simple, enjoyable things.

There comes times, once in a while, when you do want to dine out
or go to the movies. These are not overly expensive stuff. I guess you
are saying you are the type who can be completely happy all the time
with plans being constantly changed when you've made them weeks
in advance and planned other things around it huh?


I am not going to keep defending & repeating myself
as you can also keep focusing soley on what you want to focus
for the purpose of supporting your opinion and bashing me.


I just hope you can be completely happy with a partner who has no sense
of financial responsibility and you will even SUPPORT them to your fullest extent
without any nuances or complaints. Thanks and have a nice day.







4rOn, next time he asks you for a loan ask to see his last pay stub. Possibly he was gaming you by saying he made more than you. Part of the convoluted dance of the sexes... S


I have seen his check stub once and it was not by accident.
He showed it to me himself. Its definitely more than what I earn.
Like I said the problem is not how much he earns or doesn't earn.
I have dated guys in the past who earned less than me -strangely,
none of these men ever had the need to borrow from me!

In some sense I feel like why does this even need to be an issue, in
another sense -- I feel like IF ever we get into serious long-term
field, this holds potential to be an issue.



How do I, or should I even attempt to bring up such a touchy
subject with him?
I don't want to be the nagging gf who forces
him to change. He either realizes it or he doesn't.

 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 27
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 3:17:41 PM
First off let me say, OP, thank you for making your sentences not go across the screen.
I am so tired of this scrolling side to side.. and mad it isn't getting fixed!

Now, If I were dating someone
and he needed a bit of a loan to "get through the week",
I wouldn't have patience with that!
I understand emergencies can happen. I'd help if an emergency happened.

But to get through the week because of not budgeting?
And he bought some electronic instead, or whatever?
Nope.
I don't make a lot. I budget and work with it.
I don't go in debt at all. If I don't have the $.. I don't buy it.

I'd have no patience with someone spending beyond their means
and then accepting money from me to take up THEIR slack
on THEIR personal expenses.

Nope.
Not a family member.. not a close friend.. and not a 'boyfriend'.

My suggestion to you, OP, is to not lend any more.
Merely say "I re-did my budget, I can't help you out".
See what happens.
Also, my suggestion to his increased saying that he's broke and can't pay his share,
is to just say "I can't afford more than my share, so maybe next week".
And just don't go out with him.
See what happens.



Hey, did he pay back the loans?
 sarniafairyboy
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 28
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 3:44:16 PM
he might just have a drug habit as well?

the reason he is always short of $$ ?

possible? I'd check i tout
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 29
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 3:48:29 PM
You're 28, I assume that you do plan to marry and have children. If he is your age or older, he isn't going to change his orientation to money and you don't want to take your kids on that kind of roller coaster. Why bother to keep dating him when you recognize that he has a significant problem that would not be a good roll of the dice item in marriage?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 30
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 4:03:13 PM
no, you don't sound like a gold digger.
Just sensible.
And after 9 months something to ponder.

I agree with MisterDynomite that he crossed the line in borrowing from you.
In that case you are allowed to be nosy as to why?
And nag him about it if need be.

If he doesn't have a hidden drug habit then it's got to be the expensive toys.
Some peeps buy their fun first and then are short afterwards on everything else.
Some take care of everything else and then work in fun stuff later(if doable).
different priorities.

If you two get seriously entwined you best handle the $
till then, keep it even-stevens and see if he gets better about money.
Don't be a crutch.
Could be after he has enuff fun stuff he'll have money for everything else.
Depends on his hobbies.
Like if he is a golfer, forget it.
On that, you can never spend enuff.
 Rarebird76
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 31
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 4:28:21 PM
DUMP HIM, SWEETIE!!! A man w/o $$$ will be miserable & you will end up hating him AND YOURSELF


Oh my.....


I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
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 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 32
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 4:58:55 PM
OP if this is such an issue for now, then I suggest you move on now. It's not going to get any better and your not, in all likelyhood, going to change him. On the flip side of this, if your wanting to continue this relationship and make it work, then I suggest you DO NOT give him any more money since it bothers you so and talk to him and tell him how you feel and to quit spending money on "toys" he can't afford or doesn't need to be buying. Communication is also a major key in a relationship. I'd go so far to say that communcation is more important than money. People are so wrapped up in money these days and I guess that's why they say money is the root of all evil.
Good Luck to you.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 33
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 9:51:15 PM
my cousin in LA lost his job and one of his houses, he was a credit union manager for 20 years, and due to the bail out,( the great american scam) his business was gobbled up by a big bank, his new wife and new baby did not leave him, the job loss made them closer
your 28, you better get used to this happening,the banks( the same bank that needed a bail out) got away with it, so there will be many such scams in the future
you have no hope of job security, no one has..... even the money you saved is up for grabs

somebody said he is not living by his means, well i can say i hardly know anybody that is not on huge debt , houses cars and toys... all on credit
he borrowed money from you twice, big deal, you care more for money then you do for him
you have the 'no money no honey' attitude quit like a prostitute has
 Kahukura
Joined: 5/3/2010
Msg: 34
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 10:55:29 PM
want to travel you are missing the point, the man has money, more than her, however he feels he needs to ask her to borrow constantly because he cannot pay his own way. Switch it around would you like a gf who made more than you always borrowing? Or would that be ok with you. You wouldn't have a problem with that?

I would, red flag, its a money management issue not that he doesn't have any hes spending money left right and center and most likely not a thing to show for it.

My ex never asked to borrow from me, he made more than I did, each person needs to pull their own weight financially and I see her as doing it all and him living like who cares someone will help me out.

There is a time to grow up and take responsibility for one's self you know. Personally I don't want someone in my life or in a relationship with that can't manage money.

Sounds like one poster stated, drugs maybe?
 winteragain
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 35
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 11:24:35 PM
Stay with him. Nothing brings you closer to each other than going into debt together. And don't ask for your money back, that's just bad character to give someone money and then asking for it back.
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 36
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/24/2010 11:58:53 PM
"Stay with him. Nothing brings you closer to each other than going into debt together. And don't ask for your money back, that's just bad character to give someone money and then asking for it back."



Absolutely!
Don't forget to encourage him to buy all sorts of things he can't afford
I mean everybody does it, right? Everybody is in debt!
He has only asked you TWICE for money?
Most men I know do that in a day!
You should try to keep up with the hard economic times better!
So, quit being such a worry wart!
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 37
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/25/2010 3:38:25 AM

unlike some of the others that have posted here, i believe that people can change and do.


I agree people can change spending habits..

BUT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He can't change what and who he is inside and the fact he would dare ask a girlfriend for money speaks volumes.

I have financial hardships come my way and know plenty of people and family with money..I would rather eat potatoes and eggs 30 days than ASK for money..THAT is a character flaw.

He needs to go to the bank..they lend money.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 38
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/25/2010 6:00:46 AM
My suggestion is that if you are good with money then try to help him ONLY if he is the one. If this is just a passing fancy, then stop lending $$ and enjoy his company. His finances in that case are none of your business. Don't suggest going out every weekend, do things at home, stress to him that he needs to put things away for a rainy day.
If he likes toys then chances are he is swimming in credit card debt even if you are unaware of it. OR he buys the items for cash and leaves himself broke when the rent is due.
But do not enable him. Knowing he has you or his sister to fall back on only makes his habits worse.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 39
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/25/2010 6:01:50 AM

Perhaps I should stop being so nice and being his atm fallback.

^^ Good advice; I hope you listen to yourself *grins*

Your concerns are right on the money I'd say.
But your view of "what's nice" is a bit whack.

Consider this:
There is something he does/doesn't do
that you consider could be a long-term dealbreaker
and your response is to
... say nothing about it
(he doesn't know it is a problem)
... you continue to reinforce/enable the behaviour
you think might be a future dealbreaker.
(he doesn't know it is a problem)

This is how people get blindsided: you are behaving one way and thinking another.
In avoiding confrontation under the guise of 'being nice', you are inadvertently building a bigger problem
because you are adding poor-communication into the mix as well as
building simmering resentments.

Time for open communication about your concerns.
It is his to deal with or not
It is yours to be communicative.
Now that's nice.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 40
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/25/2010 8:25:51 AM
Much more than who makes more money this issue seems to be about how he handles his money vs. how you handle your money.

I knew a family man who spent half his paycheck on himself before considering the rent, utilities, food, etc. His reasoning was that he also did a lot of side work to bring in money yet his family never saw any of that money either. He was so bad about money that he would end up calling his parents to pay the bills.

Then I have known those who always pay their bills on time, spend a little on entertainment, and always have money saved for emergencies.

I prefer the latter.

If his spending seems poor to you then you might want to find out just what he spends his money on and whether he has always spent money the same way before you make any real commitments.


Money management can definitely be a deal maker or breaker.
 koley85
Joined: 4/29/2010
Msg: 41
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/25/2010 10:33:42 AM
I also see that your point is not how much money he makes (or spends on you) but how he manages the money he makes.

If this is just a short-term relationship, he should be able to spend his money however he wants-but you should be able to spend yours how you want to, and that means that you don't have to give any money to him.

If this is going to be long-term, you definitely need to get him on the same page as you with finances, or be prepared to have a lot of fights in the future.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 42
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 9:06:46 PM
I agree with the OP- money don't buy love but love don't pay the rent.

People should have learned by the lessons just shown in the economic meltdown of 2008 until now that

You can't live past your means forever
Your job situation can change quicker than you think and badly sometimes.
Having money set aside for unforeseen circumstances is practically a necessity.
Debt is bad- money for a house is the least of these evils, but can leave you with some equity in a house that has value. Even then, houses do not go up in value forever either- so don't buy more than you can reasonably afford and need.

You lose control of your fate when you are indebted to someone. They can ask for the money back, increase charges (think credit cards) and you have to keep up your payments. Instead of having money making money for you, someone is making money from you (credit cards, auto payments etc) You can't do things when you want to and have money to take advantage of opportunities.

I'm lucky been smart enough and have no debt- wasn't always able to live that way and true it's tough getting established when your younger. But bit by bit I've built up, paid off and have myself in a good situation throughout job losses and setbacks. It takes some time and some discipline.

The last girl I went out for a while with had this problem of no money sense still in her 40's and was going no place, trouble holding jobs, borrowing money from her dad, myself and others. I couldn't stand to see the way she lived and it was a bit of the reason I broke up with her. It can become an issue when you start to talk long term.
I want to enjoy some nice things, not worry about paying bills, go places when I want to without worrying about it. I would like close to the same in a partner. I never worry about who's paying for coffee and dates- that's trivial stuff and if your living that close to the edge, you have bigger problems. Actually I love being able to spring for family occasions as well- that's whats important. Having to ability to do that is the reward for showing some discipline earlier on in life.
I find many just spend money on stuff to make themselves feel better but its only a temporary fix and a hollow one at that. Doing things is much more satisfying, travelling and seeing the world.
You''ll find that savers and spendthrifts are not very compatible in outlooks on many things. For long term relationships, its a big issue.
 Rarebird76
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 43
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 10:04:06 PM
When a woman asks to borrow money: 'sure honey..i luvs U anything you want princess' When a guy does it: 'WTF BOOM! *cue agitated female*.

So he's not the best money manager.....if that's enough to tweak your nerve out to the point you want to breakup please do.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 44
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 10:59:03 PM
I think you are being fair OP, money problems breakup alot of marriages and relationships over time. If it's starting to effect the relationship, it's time to have a serious talk about your finances and what is expected from both of you, bailing him out will become a nasty habit overtime, believe me I've seen it. Perhaps a suggestion would be to have him have a certain amount automatically taken out each payday and transferred into a savings account, he won't notice it as much that way. Good luck
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 45
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/27/2010 11:24:28 PM

Actually I love being able to spring for family occasions as well- that's whats important. Having to ability to do that is the reward for showing some discipline earlier on in life.

well said.
 4rumOnly
Joined: 5/27/2010
Msg: 46
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/29/2010 10:26:02 AM
Thanks everyone for your opinions (Yes even the snarky ones as I dont
expect everyone to be in agreement with me). I haven't left this thread,
just took some time out to reflect ...


he might just have a drug habit as well?

the reason he is always short of $$ ?

possible? I'd check i tout


Hmm .. interesting ... since he did admit that he had a past
of substance abuse. He mentioned it was mainly just alcohol
and heavy smoking. He liked to drink on the weekends to the
point of passing out. Sometimes he'd wake up the next morning
not knowing where he was. But he swears he's past that now.
He's been sober & quit smoking over a year since when we first met.

Although he doesn't drink at all when we are out and about, IDK,
I can only take his word for it.

Which brings me to another thing, he was married once before
for 3 years. But he says they didn't have any kids. They divorced
bc he wanted to clean up his life and his ex didn't. .... Anyhow, I am
paranoid now that what IF he does have kids and are sending a
portion of his paycheck to child support?? Since, the fact is: To my
knowledge, he DOESN'T have any loans or debt to pay off. I mean
apart from rent, car insurance, groceries. and the usual personal petty
expenses. And it's not like he buys expensive toys every month. He does
every once-in-a-while, electronics n stuff.

It just doesn't ADD-UP that he can be earning much more than I do
yet is broke so often???
IDK what to make of this anymore.

Yes, he did pay me back both times I that I lend him money. And I am NOT
going to be his ATM machine anymore. Next time he whines to me
about "being broke" I will simply say" Perhaps you really need to start
thinking about budgeting yourself hun".

IDK, I still cannot see this picture clearly.
 Annie was here
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 47
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 6/29/2010 10:28:52 AM
If someone I was dating made more then me yet was
always broke this would tell me that they were very bad
with money and deeply in debt.This type of person I have
no interest in.I would stop dating this person.

I very rarely lend money,but when I do it's not to irresponsible
people who can't manage their money.We are not obligated to
support other adults.

Why are you giving this irresponsible little boy yet more money
to blow on crap?
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 48
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/3/2010 3:26:28 PM
strippers and blow,
Its hard to budget when you dont know who is on the main stage next ....
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 49
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 1:52:20 AM
Money is a big factor of our life, we can't survive with out money.
I've observed that kind of mentality of your BF they go for broke and expect others to take care of their responsibility for their self,they don't care where or how you would get the money or it is your last dollar.
I don't think I would fall for that kind of person he is a plain Moocher Or Sponge..

Your BF is very weak, he can not even manage his livehood he has to lean to you for his survival ..Wow! If I were you ,I'll kick him to the curb, I am not a Bank that will bail him when he is broke. Supporting myself, to live decently is hard enough,why would I get a man who is irresponsible of his money and he may be irresponsible on other matters too.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 50
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 2:42:35 AM
msg:11
OP is making less money than her BF and he (thah man )was alway telling her that he was broke that he can't make it thru the week, ect..ect . It is obviously,a persuation of "lend me a few bucks honey". One time is fine but making a habit is irksome ,and the OP has responsibility paying her bills too. I don't blame her if it is dragging her down.

Well, the OP and me sound like a street walker and no money no honey, lol you are shame by me and the OP ? I can't speak for the OP but I am very proud of myself that I never borrow money from any one specialy from a man, that is a weakness and I will never stoop that low. Surely, I borrowed money from the BANKS but not from a date/lover/friends/relatives/nieghbors ...


<div class="quote"> what happens if he lost his job,or started a business ,or got sick, you would go to the next man,for his money ,right!

You Bet!!!!! A man who has money even enough to pay his bills for the roof of his head and food for his stomach is a powerful and dignified man, for he is responsible and knows how to manage his monetary and he will not disgrace his self to tell a woman that he is broke if he could lend him "some money" to get him thru until his payday.
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