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 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 51
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
He has never outright asked me for money, but many times
he's lamented to me - for lack of better words, about "being
broke", "not being able to get thru the week" ..... "hun we can't
do such and such bc my finances are tight this week"


So when he says this, only respond to what he says and not what you hear as the unasked question. In other words, don't give him money. When you do so, you are enabling him to live beyond his means. As it is he has no reason to budget his toy purchases because someone bails him out.

If doing "such and such" that week is so important to you, do it without him; don't feed him if he bought toys instead of food. He'll figure it out more quickly if he has to live on popcorn and water for a few days each week. It won't kill him.

We all make choices. It sounds from your posts you are a reluctant enabler in this situation so choose to not continue doing so. Or continue to willingly be his safety net. The rest is up to him.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 52
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 7/4/2010 6:42:18 AM

He can't change what and who he is inside and the fact he would dare ask a girlfriend for money speaks volumes.

I have financial hardships come my way and know plenty of people and family with money..I would rather eat potatoes and eggs 30 days than ASK for money..THAT is a character flaw.


Yes, a very big character flaw! It's one thing to help & it's another thing to enable which is not good.

abtw pepper I lov potato & egg salad after attending a jubilee! yum yum!
 marlitatx
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 53
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I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 3:53:10 PM
I just got out of a relationship where I made twice as much as he did, both of us are in our 40's so I didn't really care about that at first, he had a job and did a bunch of side jobs..so he says. But then he started complaining weekly that he could not pay his bills, he had no ex, no kids, just 1 dog that he could not even take care of! I am a single mom who has lots of responsibilities that I do meet and I am living within my means - I ran, I suggest you do the same!
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 54
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:09:41 PM

In summary: I earn less than my bf but he has a habit of up ending up
broke by the end of the week. Twice now I have had to lend him money to get
thru. I am getting somewhat irked by this and see it as a potential
long term deal-breaker.

Is my take on this fair or not??


Whom makes more has nothing to do with it.

I refuse to date (long term) a lady that can't provide for herself.

At this stage in my life I have raised two children w/o help from their mothers.

So why would I want to take on a liability?

Why would anyone?

I would be honest and explain you are not able or willing to pay anyone's bills just because they are irresponsible. Or for any other reason.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 55
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:22:18 PM
I had to laugh... sounds a bit how my bf was. Of course he has child support.
While it's fair to an extent, you are in fact enabling him by giving him money. On one hand, you are not married and it is his $. On the other hand, I believe when in a SERIOUS relationship (we live together) it's not about mine and yours, but ours.(A converstion WE had) What will happen in the future because of that habit IS of concern.
I've found that actually communicating with him IMMEDIATELY when it happened, it was happening less and less.
I would consider drugs also, depending on just how much he's spending.
Try some good ol' fashioned communication first.
Or... maybe the two of you just arn't a good match...It happens.
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 56
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:56:56 PM
Seriously, he is using his sister and you (and very likely every other woman in his life) to support an irresponsible financial lifestyle. The only question I have is why so many women are willing to even consider blokes like him.. and there are so many of you willign to. A man who lives off women like a leech is... a leech. He will never change so long as his mum and sister and girlfriends are all tryin to rescue him.

Finances are the number one reason that couples divorce. So in dating if he is already showing these sorts of behavior and expecting you to support his spending habits, he is still a little boy. And you did not HAVE TO lend him money. That is called co-dependent behavior. You are feeding off the "caretaker" role and rescuing him. However, there is no rule in life that you owe him your money, especially when he makes more than you. If you do it a third time then you deserve what you get. I have a feeling though that as soon as he realizes that you will no longer support his crap, he will tell you that you "don't love him the way he loves you" and go into the Emotional Blackmailer role. You will then cave in and join the legions of women in abusive relationships... so really, stop stressing over it.

Come on.... you want to support a deadbeat.. then you can come in here ranting about how "unfair" life is and how much you did for him and he doesn't appreciate you....so go right ahead and keep giving him money... that's what you're going to do regardless of what people advise you in here anyway.. right? Let me put it this way, you loan him even a dime more and you deserve the trainwreck you can expect to enjoy as a long term relationship with him.
 egowitch
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 57
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 4:58:45 PM
Yes , ok. Fair.

However, if you keep lending him money , you're doing him no favors - as he'll never learn how to live within his means , and always expect you to bail him out.

If that's what you want - carry on !
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 58
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 8:42:52 PM
Not sure when this thread was started looking at 'join date', but nonetheless, the issue is the same. To me, who has known multi...s that spend carpe diem like there's no tomorrow: I know firsthand not to fall for the hype. More important than what someone's gross is-HOW WELL THEY TAKE CARE OF WHAT THEY HAVE. Debt to income ratio is the forgotten bottom line that actually matters along with credit score. There are schoolteachers who know how to save and invest conservatively who become multis. There are multis in foreclosure and repo (lots of them lately). I avoid gamblers and new-toy-boyz. Eventually all have to either grow up and think about the future, or find a bailout or enabler-and sell themselves out for the support. Some commit crimes to keep up their unsustainable lifestyle. Who wants that?? Yup OP, NOT WORTH IT! Stability-now that's sexy
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 59
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 8:45:51 PM

Twice now I have
had to lend him money to get thru the week.
You lost me at "HAD". You don't have to fill in his blanks. Huge mistake on your part, is my feeling. You do not live together, you do not have mingled monies, why in the WORLD would you lend money a SECOND time when the FIRST debt hadn't been paid back?

I think truly you created this situation by lending him money. Repeat after me: NEVER AGAIN. And demand to be paid back.
 2012monalisa
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 60
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 8:53:15 PM
Well said. He can do whatever he likes with his money, but don't give him another dime. You don't want to start that patern in your relationship, and yes it is something for you to think about. Good luck.
 optimismfirst
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 61
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/1/2012 9:09:19 PM
no gold digger but id leave.
a man is there to support, love, and care for a woman.
a woman is there to do the same but the man is to be a man, a gentleman.
if you make money and there for act or say you are broke. there is something fishy there.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 62
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/2/2012 5:37:22 AM
Umm - you guys DO know that you're giving advice to someone whose no longer a member and this thread is now 2 years old...right?
 Meems919
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 63
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 4/2/2012 6:12:49 AM

mm - you guys DO know that you're giving advice to someone whose no longer a member and this thread is now 2 years old...right?
Yup....it's still a valid topic though, to my mind, for a lot of women.
 marlitatx
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 64
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History
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 5:43:36 AM
This post is helping me out for sure!
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 65
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 7:31:24 AM
Just tell him you wont lend him any, and that he needs to take better care of his finances.
At the same time, I wouldnt complain too loud. I mean, I'm sure he buys stuff for you as well,and that's money you'd be spending if he didn't. Need to keep both eyes open, not just one.
But basically, tell him. And say no. Unless you usually give to all the homeless people =on the street, I dont see why you should give to your bf everytime either.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 66
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 7:47:25 AM
What you accept in the beginning, becomes what you can expect in the end... Someone once said. Habits are nearly impossible to break, especially another person's...

And I wonder just how expensive his habit may be... Be forewarned. S
----------------------------
Definitely agrees with what Tall-IQ2 is saying once the habit is revealed, it's always going to be like that until the person stops doing what there doing with help.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 67
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 7:49:50 AM
This is another reason to examine $$ & their habits w/ $$

A fool & his $$ is soon parted.

I like a man w/ $$, but I do not like wasting his or mine! I am the coupon queen... I got $150 of freebies for my birthday, mainly meals also clothes & a movie all from coupons on the internet...

It pays to be savvy about interest rates, loans, mortgages, buying cash etc.
 ssr51
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 68
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 7:58:20 AM
Been through this! You are dead on with yourtrain of thought here. How can someone enter into a relationship or marriage when they cannot manage a large facet of their life? It is a deal breaker! The lending will not stop either, I can promise you that! My advice is simple...break it off as soon as he pays you back! I hate to say it, but this is the typical guy that hasn't grown up and get's kicked to the curb and wonders why? Do yourself a HUGE favor and break it off. Like I said, I went through this with a woman who blatantly lied about her financials and learned quick!
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 69
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 8:46:04 AM
I have been told that issues with money is near or maybe the number one reason for problems in marriages. Money and how one uses/treats it should be in everyones mind, when selecting a mate.
 InMyOwnTime25
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 70
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 9:11:24 AM
Maybe he has more expenses than you do, like a more expensive car or expensive place (not sure if you guys live together), so he's broke more often even though he makes more?

I wouldn't lend him any more money though, in case he is just being irresponsible. Tell him you can't afford to pay your own bills if you lend him any more money, and if he balks point out that you have a lower income than he does.
 tensail
Joined: 10/15/2009
Msg: 71
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 6:43:24 PM
ur a lost soul, corupted by capatilism n lost touch wit being human, uve got work 2 do 2 become balanced again, start wit ur eq which aperas low. i wouldnt even consider 1 like u as a partner, money focused people r ugly, gl.
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 72
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 6:52:16 PM
People just need to live within their means. I can't tell how many people have huge credit card debts and then something happens and they can't pay them and they end up in dire straights financially. If you have to borrow from others to make ends meet then you need to reevaluate your situation. don't be an enabler. This doesn't mean don't lend someone a few bucks here or there, it means don't support them or let it become a habit.
 kittyb
Joined: 2/4/2012
Msg: 73
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 6:57:13 PM
i dont know how long u 2 have been together or how old u are. but if he's like this now, with no perception of future preperation than u will always be carrying the burden of finances. if he's not lookin twords ur future then more than likely he hasent made long term plans. the next few times he asks to borrow money just tell him ur broke. put the money he asked to borrow in ur savings account. after 3 months see how much money u would have loaned him. and then after yall split, not sayin u will, see what it adds up to. i did this with the advise from my mother. after a year and a half of saying "im broke", ten dollars here and twenty dollars there added up to 1200.00. and when we split. of course he had no intentions of paying back what he borrowed before my mothers little "expirament"
 ecochick1962
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 74
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/4/2012 7:57:50 PM
Your take on this is spot on.......those red flags are waving! When I was a teenager in my first job I spent every cent I earned, but when I left home and was responsible for paying for the roof over my head I eventually wised up, and now that I am approaching 50 Im in a reasonably good place financially. I would never, ever date a man who blew away all his money and expected someone else would look after him.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 75
I Know It Shouldn't Be All About Money But ..
Posted: 5/5/2012 5:28:47 AM
Actually fair has nothing to do with it. Parasitism is a viable and increasingly rewarding life strategy. I doubt he has actually reflected upon it much but he instinctively understands that owing everyone and repaying nothing is a comfortable and practical way of navigating this world.

Those of us who pride ourselves on being a reliable cog in the machine may resent it but have done nothing besides encourage it. He may not be living as you want him to but he is living as the government, wall street and pop culture want him to. When it comes to persuasion, I would say you are massively out gunned.

Best way to deal with the situation is to do another thing the PTB wants you to do. Dehumanize and commodify him. Then you can do a rational cost/benefit comparison on whether or not the monetary premium you pay for proprietorship of his penis gains you more value than ingesting an inferior, discounted product... say a pof dude who is so respectful he will pay you instead.
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