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Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
PornographyPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I didn't go on this site until after we broke up. I hope it speaks volumes.

Did ya read what I wrote????? Did you comprehend what I wrote????? Nothing to do with your timing of your profile at all,,,,but the words you decided to use in it.

Yet you don't hear about us satisfying our urges in work.

What you hear and don't hear doesn't mean that it doesn't happen,,,,,or do you need to HEAR something or READ something to make you believe it?????? Which begs the question,,,,,how did YOU happen to find out that your previous BF was using a porn site at work,,,,,once, twice,,, or could it have been three or four times??????

he didn't fully love me, because to me, he needed to look elsewhere.

Somewhere along the line you have been fed this line as the "truth" or you wouldn't be repeating it,,,,and acting like it is the "truth". You may think it is,,,,,,but do you really KNOW it is?????

Again,,,,any human behavior that doesn't fit what some believe is "normal" gets labelled. You have done that well here,,,and so have others. I would love to hear your opinions on bi-sexuality and what goes on in the minds of people that indulge. Ohhhhhhh,,,,yes I would............
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 28
Posted: 7/11/2010 4:25:24 PM

OP masturbation in general terms doesn't affect sex life. Unless he masturbates and his lady wants some solid action 5 min later. Men have sexual urges on a regular frequent basis. I guess he gets bored at work, has an opportunity to check on port and does it. Usually when men masturbate they do it on a specif woman if a porn girl is different.
So, I don't think it would be bothering me too much. But again I am guy I watch some porn and masturbate very ocassionally.

I was thinking the same thing. Well, not that I watch porn and masturbate, LOL, but that I wouldn't be worried about it.

~OP~ After reading the entire thread, all that I read is where you have problems with him. You feel insecure, you feel/felt a distance between you two, you don't like him watching porn or masturbating to it, etc. Maybe I'm just more open-minded than you, but I don't see what he does during his working hours as being a problem about YOU. The distance thing? That has deeper roots than him watching porn when you aren't around. Why did he want you to move in? My guess is that he wanted you to move in. Only he can tell you WHY that was. It's pretty obvious via your posts here that you are disgusted by his porn/masturbation activities, so maybe it's best you just move along. Be warned however, he was honest about the porn/masturbation. In the future, you can bet it's going to be happening with MOST men you meet/date, they just might not be as honest about it. JMO
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 30
Posted: 7/11/2010 4:51:47 PM

When he first told me I began to read......

Oh my. Well,,,,you found it,,,you read it,,,,so it must be true!!!!!!!
Here's a suggestion. Go find another source or two. After reading more than one,,,,think about what they have told you and decide if you want to enter the year 2010.

This stuff kinda reminds of reefer madness,,,,allllllllll over again.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 31
view profile
Posted: 7/11/2010 4:56:55 PM
^^ And the use of pot leads to being a heroin addict.

IMO, you are using some of the stuff you read to amplify and justify your fears about this. You legitimately fear he may become interested in child pornography and put your children at risk? Really?

The message he sent to me was insecurity in myself

Your insecurity was already there looking for places to land on. IMO that is generally what insecurity does; seeks 'proof' that its presence is justified.

The majority of men and many women regularly use porn in their lives. The majority of men and women masturbate. The use of porn and masturbating does not indicate if they love you, nor to the extent of their love for you. You have (or seem to have) masturbation and porn lined up as 'proof' he doesn't love you, that you are not 'enough'. There is no way he could change your mind on this.

A minority of men and women use porn to masturbate at work; some have issues and others do not. Some have a high sex drive, some have a sex addiction. It's hard to figure out whether it is an addiction or not, but one of the hallmarks is if the activity is interfering with your day-to-day life. Presumably, with a 2x a day habit, he is letting it interfere with his work life. The frequent use of porn doesn't raise the alarm bells for me, the regular use of it *at work* does.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 35
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Posted: 7/11/2010 5:30:44 PM
Insecurity is a funny thing Cath, we can be very secure in our professional role and a mess in our intimate relationships. (not that I'm suggesting you are a mess).

So what is the correct answer.

Well now, that's the difficult thing, isn't it? I don't like correct - it's too close to right/wrong for me and I almost invariably see more than one side of the story. I prefer to view things through works/doesn't work or effective/ineffective.

Regardless of whether your pov is 'correct' or not, his use of porn doesn't work for you. That oughta end it.
Now, if you wanted to take it on and look into 'why' it doesn't work for you and where your thinking/feeling were off in this thing, that would be a different thing to examine.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 37
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Posted: 7/11/2010 6:14:12 PM

Margo, I know it is a seperate issue, I know this is what the studies say, but the studies also say how it makes a spouse or mate feel.

no one 'makes' you feel anything. you choose it. what about couples who view porn without negative effect? why doesn't it 'make' them feel threatened?

op, your source material ( can hardly be seen as objective, given its connections to christian groups and their moralizing views on sex. the first anecdote of your material is reckless enough to posit a causal relationship between pornography and infidelity, as if it were all so simple.

i've been with a woman who liked bondage and S/M porn. it didn't excite me. by the slippery slope 'logic' you're willing to believe, not only should i have liked it, i should be practicing it. on women, children, dogs, gerbils, fenceposts and anything else i can chase down, hold down and screw. i don't.

i'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but your willingness to accept hysterical notions that externalize your feelings will not help you in future relationships, or life in general.
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 38
Posted: 7/11/2010 6:29:06 PM
americangr- sounds like you read some research and have an understanding of the likely deleterious effect of porn addiction on real-life relationships, including your past one.

The ADDICTION is what can ruin their life and disrupt yours if you are involved. As long as YOU smoke, many who don't will avoid you because of YOUR addiction.

Do you also understand the normal 2 year relationship hurdle where infatuation wears off and partners become somewhat habituated to each other?

So many couples break up at that point, feeling that the excitement of being in "love" has gone away.

Some have learned to share common interests and add some unpredictability to their relationships to maintain that "spark" of intrigue and hormones.

If he had said he would give up his addiction to porn if you would give up yours to tobacco, curious what would have been your response?... S

americangr- PLEASE stop smoking tonight, in your next heartbeat! There are men out there that AREN'T addicted to porn or anything! Smoking is usually a DEAL-BREAKER !
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 40
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Posted: 7/11/2010 6:35:48 PM
There are people who regularly use porn yet the thought of someone being sexual with a child disgusts them. Porn and child porn are NOT the same thing. Smoking pot does NOT lead to heroin use.

As far as 'crossing over', my limited exposure to other people's kinks suggests that their kinks run on a track: a person does not mysteriously slide into child pornography without the kink already being there. I would be willing to bet dollars to donuts that your ex bf looked at porn with very young girls.

Does your most recent ex? What flavour of kink is he scratching? Are your fears justified? See, I don't get how you're amplifying this into "I have to protect my children from my porn addicted ex bf".

I could get: "I don't want to be with someone who masturbates 4x a day but can't be intimate with me" and I could get: "I don't want to be with someone who intentionally commits the equivalent of career suicide". But those aren't the thoughts you are focusing on here.

BTW, "me or the porn" IS an ultimatum.

Edit to add: Just saw your latest post Cath. Let me ask you this: Why is it important to you to figure this out?
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 43
Posted: 7/11/2010 11:38:48 PM
At a loss here. He owns his own business, he has his own office. He's NOT going to lose his job, fail promotion, and presumably he closes his door. He *tells* her what he's doing. He's not hanging at bars looking for hookups. Does no one even remember what it's like to be horny?

I think it is possible to get addicted to porn, but this seems more situational to me. Half of the time (it would seem) he doesn't even use porn.

I think our OPie is carrying a BIG load of the famous baggage. She also seems to be studying *only* info that will back up that baggage. The if this, then that follows is no more true of porn than drugs or sexual orientation. One is however free to believe whatever they want.

I, personally, think *she* is afraid of commitment, is reading (and has been reading) things into the relationship to confirm that fear, and therefore justify ending a real live live in relationship. Which of course, she's free to do. The pity of it is, that unless she learns to look at herself and her motives and fears with a clear eye, nothing is likely to change. AND I'd sure as hell get that blurb off of her profile. Jeepers, sweetie, use your head.

Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 44
Posted: 7/11/2010 11:46:50 PM
You were bang on by explaining your discomfort with him doing that and even MORE strong minded by leaving him! I admire that in a person :)
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 46
Posted: 7/12/2010 7:31:30 AM
Porn is not the problem - like guns, it is the user that's the problem. There is a time and a place for everything, and at work is definitely not it. In this troubled economy, to risk losing a job because his penis takes priority just shows he is not that bright.
There was a young man who was a teacher here in West Michigan who lost his job when the janitor found "evidence" of him masturbating at the school when he was alone. This will affect the rest of his life, his ability to find employment, his current or future partner. A man without a future is not very sexy to any woman.

Also when someone is choosing the porn over their mate it creates a problem. It seems men are simply unable to see that porn is fantasy - the women are fake, the orgasm is fake, and it is unfair to hold a partner to a level of that which is digitally enhanced.

i've been with a woman who liked bondage and S/M porn. it didn't excite me. by the slippery slope 'logic' you're willing to believe, not only should i have liked it, i should be practicing it. on women, children, dogs, gerbils, fenceposts and anything else i can chase down, hold down and screw. i don't.

If you don't like what they like, then you shouldn't be with them.
Bondage & S&M is fun and perfectly normal for those who enjoy it - when it's used on someone or something that is nonconsensual, it is morally wrong and an offender should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

It's strange that in our society, everywhere we turn we are bombarded with sexual images and ideas, yet in our romantic and dating relationships, women are socially discouraged from discussing the details of sex with a man when we start dating because we are afraid of appearing slutty, and many men can't reasonably discuss sex without acting like goofy adolescents.
Porn is great for those who just want to fill time in between partners, but neglecting a partner for porn is like fantasizing about eating Godiva chocolate, when your favorite Cadbury bar is sitting right there in front of you, untouched.
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 47
Posted: 7/12/2010 9:00:57 AM
Well, allamericangr1, it really sounds to me as if your relationship with this guy had an array of problems, many of which had no particular link to this guy's (ahem) viewing habits.

1. First off, he was almost certainly doing the exact same thing at the outset of your relationship, when you felt everything was fine.

He just was not telling you about it, probably for a range of different reasons, such as insufficient trust in you, or possibly, an *accurate* fear of what your reaction would be.

2. I'm most emphatically *not* going to be all rah-rah smut is great (it's not) but respectfully, this whole issue seems a lot more about your insecurity than his (rather pathetic) behaviour. You make the point about not judging all men as s*x addicts but you put the failure of your last relationship down to that, and it's out on front street on your profile. I'm not judging you, but you should know it says "Not over my breakup and likely to judge you for something some other guy did" to any attentive reader.

Your worrying over "is this the type of man I draw" is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Men do not come in "types", we are actually *individuals* with our own uniquely irritating set of flaws.

Sensible women stop thinking of guys as coming in "types" right around the time that they develop *insight* into their own behaviours in dealing with guys. If your interior monologue is an endless feedback loop about some guy's smut habit and whether that says something about you, it's time to invest in meditation tapes or something, because that thought pattern is useless to you.

3. If he was not fulfilling your emotional needs or treating you the way you wanted to be treated, because he no longer felt about you the way he once did, then that's a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship-- but call it that, rather than blaming his smut habit.

Someone's viewing habits are no reason to get insecure if they don't affect their behaviour.

Men and women are just different, you know? Your fantasies generally bore us, our fantasies generally offend and repell you, but at the end of the day, they're fantasies.

Sure, you cannot compete with an endless series of pneumatically-enhanced perpetually young costumed "actresses", but then I could not compete with DiCaprio, Gere or whoever is gracing the cover of People this week.

I'm not going to get insecure about a g/f swooning over some actor, because I'm not really competing with him, now, am I? Nah, I'll just turn off the lights and give her the green light to call me Leo if she feels like it.
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 49
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Posted: 7/13/2010 6:16:12 AM
Wow, your 2 year relationship where is everything was going well has turned to you pushing off your guy. He shared probally his most personel vulnurable stuff with you and you judged him and executed him based upon your religious upbringings.

I hope you feel good about your pure self, I work from Home 12-14 hrs a day, Stressful times, yea, take care of the edge , I am in my own home, so what
So he shared it with you............another response could have been, "well you got me!! I'll take care of those urges", instead you judged, ruled, and executed not only his ego but his chances of ever opening up to you again.........good job, and I know you don't care about his future, but you know he will think hard about opening up to the next relationship he is in for fear of another excecution is coming.

Good luck to you..........................
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 50
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Posted: 7/14/2010 8:59:34 AM
As a follow up, I did not say I was in favor of porn , more I was responding to my interpetation of this guy opening up to you.
It also can be looked at that you don't like the thought of losing control, your partners whole libido isn't in your control anymore, its not you who decide if and when you allow him to get off, its always been in his hand.
This is where trust in a relationship from a man's side comes in, can a man trust that you will take care of his libido or will you use it as a tool or weapon.

I always believed that sex was two adults giving each other pleasure and taking you away from the stressful world into your own relm of pleasure.

So no I am not a big fan of porn, but I read and most men who view porn look for less than 5-7 minutes to get a visual than go about there business, so start to finish is what 12-15 minutes out of a day, jeez, hardly a addiction, if he knew you were going to be horny that night, he probally would not do it.

Once again best of luck to you and may you learn a little more in each encounter in the future
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 51
view profile
Posted: 7/14/2010 9:18:24 AM

There was a young man who was a teacher here in West Michigan who lost his job when the janitor found "evidence" of him masturbating at the school when he was alone. This will affect the rest of his life, his ability to find employment, his current or future partner. A man without a future is not very sexy to any woman.

i love this chain of causality. so 19th century:
'junior, you'd better not 'touch yourself,' because you'll grow hair on your palms, go blind and you'll DIE ALONE!'
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 53
Posted: 7/14/2010 10:13:46 AM
Put your brain to some good use and find a cure for smoking.

Actually, there is NO cure for addictive personality disorder. It is just the levels of focus/substance abuse that can change, and jump from one substance/thing/person to another.

FOOD/excess carbohydrates is the most widely abused, followed by alcohol and then cigarettes. Some people switch between them frequently.

Pornography for some, cigs for others, over-eating for so many, stimulating lively forums debates for a few others...

I'm glad that my statement made such a strong impression on you, that is evidence there may still be some hope yet for your future improved health and happiness... Cheers S
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 58
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Posted: 7/16/2010 5:34:33 AM
RE Msg: 83 by TALL-IQ2:
Actually, there is NO cure for addictive personality disorder.
I hope not. Science has shown that addictions are dependent on the effects of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which ALL humans have, and cannot live without. As a result, the only people who do not suffer from "addictive personality disorder" are the dead.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 66
Posted: 5/9/2012 6:10:39 PM
Even though this is an old post and the OP is no longer around, the topic is one that many women have a problem with. The majority of men will enjoy porn in one manner or another from time to time, and yes, horror of horrors, even masturbate to it or recall it while having sex with you, whether you are aware of it or not. In the case of the original OP, watching porn isn't the problem as far as I see it - the problem is the obsession with it to the point of not being able to control one's self until the appropriate time - when you're being paid to do a job and instead are working on another type of job, it's an inappropriate time.
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 67
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Posted: 5/9/2012 6:27:27 PM
Knowing the current American work ethic, I'm relieved to hear he's only choking his chicken TWICE a day at work. Judging by all the answering machines I reach during business hours, I've always assumed that masturbation and lunch used up the whole eight hours.
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 70
Posted: 5/10/2012 1:08:21 AM
wow; to be honest that's pathetic in my book.

and when a guy is so into porn, it's naive in my book to think that's where he stops it.
Joined: 10/15/2009
Msg: 82
Posted: 5/11/2012 1:24:42 AM
seems ur v 1 wit v problem, ur insecure n suffer jealousy issues, get a grip n get back wit him
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 88
Posted: 5/22/2012 9:07:29 AM
What EEZ is trying to tell us is that she is the OP.

EEZ we get his issues ran much deeper than porn addiction but to Narricism. Porn addicts/sex addicts/love addicts (yes they all fall into the same category) are by their very nature narrcissistic.

I think there are problems on both sides of the fence. Men who can't keep away from and titty bars vs. women who think that watching people engage in sex acts is a form of cheating. The whole self conscious... "what, I don't do it for you anymore" , "I'm not sexy to you?" blah blah blah .

Those that are addicted usually at it 2-3 hours a day every day or even more. At 7 days a week, that is a lot of wasted time. Yes, there is something wrong with that.
What isn't wrong is ...... the notion that you don't do it for him anymore, the extra 5 lbs you gained blah blah blah. Its him.

Now, there are some of us that "like" porn, like both our alone time with it and our partners time with it. Our porn is your BOB. Men are visual creatures, so a set of boobies bouncing up and down while she is taking a 21 inch wang up the pooper all while all her naked friends are rubbing their hands all over him.... well we like that.
Just as you like to get dressed up in your sexy clothes, light a couple candles, get some oil, and get those AA batteries all charged up and ready to go. The difference.... you close your eyes and fantasize whats in Johhny Depp's pants or perhaps that girl next door.

Is it really that different????

Really Cama.... tell me you dont have a vibrator right there in your night stand???
Joined: 12/15/2011
Msg: 91
Posted: 5/22/2012 10:22:57 AM
People, watching porn at work is a time honored tradition, just like updating your FB page, doing online banking, IMing or surfing the POF forums.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 94
view profile
Posted: 5/23/2012 9:16:55 AM
when I am not in a relationship, I look at porn a lot, I like it,I am ihibited, so I lo ve to see people do what, I can't do
my last long term, hated it, no big deal, I got rid of it without a second thought, we where together for 12 years
at the end, it turns out that she kept the porn, and loved to wach it lol
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 95
view profile
Posted: 5/25/2012 8:50:33 PM
For some of us, porn is the closest think to intimacy we will ever know.
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