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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >      Home login  
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 101
over 45 men and marriage???Page 9 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
WRT Msg 159, ThNewDeal
I also noted the lack of symmetry and reciprocity in the "I don't need" versus "I want to be needed". It's like saying "I am liberated" and "I want you to be enslaved".
IMHO, many of these attitudes stem from politically inspired demands for "equal rights" while denying that they are earned by the willing acceptance and capacity to deliver on "equal obligations", independent of gender.

Yeah, there was lack "symmetry" in how I chose to word my answer.
But please do read into whatever you want.
I also hope you noted the part where I mentioned (albeit not in so many words)
that part of my feelings of liberation stem from the fact that I know who killed
Kennedy, I've seen the loch ness monster, I'm in tune with the 9/11 conspiracies
and it's just a matter of time before I announce the cure for the common cold.

Oh yeah (she says in her silky come hither voice) enslave me please.

 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 104
view profile
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 8/31/2010 4:25:39 PM
(This is weird- I mostly agree with what the original Christ said, less so with how his "teachings" are interpreted and applied, and now I'm agreeing with His gimpy second coming! lol)

smart man, that'll get you to heaven. that and 10 percent off the top, cash, now, please.

my take on gbb's post was that many men don't know how to appreciate what they bring to a relationship, or what makes for a healthy relationship, and so are unable to see their value beyond its most obvious, surface level - that of a provider.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 105
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 8/31/2010 5:28:14 PM
^^^^ Yeah, I get that. But, despite some lady posts which claim otherwise, I suspect that the same myopia afflicts the distaff side.
My own "vision" has fallen short of the mark, most of my life. My eye doctor told me recently she had good news, and bad news. The good was that my eyesight was improving, as I was becoming more far-sighted. The bad news was that that meant I was getting old. lol She's quite the smart-ass.
It took me, oh, half a century to learn how to read where a trail is headed, and how to choose a hiking partner. If I only knew then what I know now. Lol
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 107
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 8/31/2010 8:44:43 PM
Browneyesboo, I do agree with your post and its all just right.. Then you go to the real world. Its a guys point of view so bear with me there. There is also a list of expectation a guys needs to have or pass first to get to the point before a woman would be willing to date him. So i do agree about what you say about what a woman is looking for but first you do need to pass the list... On the other side yes we guys do have our own lists as well of what we want and dont want in a woman. Then the big Q is it even worth the time and effort to keep looking to meet someone at our age??? I would like to see the pros and cons list for getting married or actualy being in a relationship.. Its not only for the men but for women as well.
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 108
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 8/31/2010 9:31:09 PM
my take on gbb's post was that many men don't know how to appreciate what they bring to a relationship, or what makes for a healthy relationship, and so are unable to see their value beyond its most obvious, surface level - that of a provider.
That's EXACTLY what I meant.

For instance, a couple of very specific things which really "impressed" me in my last few "near miss relationships" was...the guy called me...mid remind me that I had a dentist appointment early that afternoon. Another was; the guy reminded me before getting out of the car..that my purse strap had that I didn't dump everything if I had forgotten that minor detail.

Ya know, it's only 1/2 joking when I tell people, when they ask what is the "most important" characteristic I look for in a man....and I reply...."one who still has good night vision!!!" LOL! I DO think that we seriously need to sh1tcan the mentality that good ole Ward Cleaver was the ideal man. No, he may have been the ideal "provider" and authoritarian...but truly "connected" was he? Well, we don't know because in the '50's and '60' were not supposed to be "connected" to the family....except through their checkbooks. But I can also tell you (I was there when they were broadcasting Live...none of this rerun on syndication crap) that at the same time that women were being stereotyped as Lucy Ricardos and Edith Bunkers, men were being portrayed as insensitive jerks with the emotional IQs of amoebae. NEITHER has ever been "reality".

We can argue the symantics of "need vs. want" until the cows come home; but my personal preference would be.....

OK, you want a man that's "needy". In this scenario you can dispense your attention to him in controlled doses like a narcotic. You can choose when/where to add to his happiness and when/where to deny him his fix of happiness - all the while being indifferent to his plight because you don't "need" him.
I's all about control. Gotcha.
A simple double-standard, you should find a guy this afternoon.
So in your world, a man who says he doesn't "need" a woman, but wants a woman who "needs" him is an OK guy for women to date.
DEFINITELY...NOT this guy! That is such a turn off! Not even to mention that....I'd feel pretty insecure in a relationship with a man who was with me out of "need". The problems with "needs" are...that they can be filled in a LOT of a variety of "sources"! But a "WANT", that's pretty specific! LOL! it may be fleeting also; but not much more-so than a "need". I know, the whole thing gets a bit foggy...what you "want" desperately can become a "need"; but at the same often do we see people come to RESENT the fact that they "need" something from someone???

I certainly don't want to get into a debate about the statistics (and their trueness) but let's just look at the REASONS that 95% of "abused" women give for remaining with an "abusive spouse"! Almost without exception they cite the reason as; they "need" him. The TRUTH of the matter IS, they DON'T need him...they NEED the financial support that he offers. The same (in reverse) is true about why abused men stay with their abusive spouses...but to a significant degree LESS out of fear of the financial hardship, and MORE out of the sense of shame and blame they feel at having been "victimized".

Yup, you heard it here are ashamed of admitting that they have been "victimized"...and women....wear it like a Badge of Honor. (speaking in general terms, of course)

About the only generality about "men" that's accurate is that each has a dyck. So ^^^^ at best can only be read as the men who have entered one poster's life just don't understand her needs (and "needs" probably means desires).

^^^^^^ I've read this comment several times and it still makes no sense to me.
Since it was a MALE who made the observation about "men" in
Post # 148
I don't think that men think they are needed for their money at all. I think that they are confused as to what is actually needed and wanted from them. There is only one other, from the viewpoint of a man. I know it's way more than that but how is that communicated?
and since this particular male does not know me...or has never had any sort of interaction with me; I guess I'm really missing the point of why you're trying to invalidate HIS observations which...were stated such a sincere and unobtrusive manner that I find it hard to see where the fault is.....other than perhaps the person who objects to his personal observations does so merely because a female agreed with him. He stated what is widely accepted as a Universal given...that men do NOT understand women....and...that women do NOT understand men.

I think most of us here are, or have been in the general frame of mind to GAIN SOME UNDERSTANDING....not simply dig in our heels and "choose sides" based solely on gender...but rather to see other perspectives through rational and intelligent debate.
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 109
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 8/31/2010 10:17:41 PM
What I find funny is how many women are so worried about how I handle my money. I've seen so many profiles that mention something about a man being financially responsible. I don't care how you spend your money, so why do they care how I spend mine? Why must you be married to get "love, tenderness, knowing someone loves you and will be there next to you"? When you are willing to give your money to someone else then I'll believe that it doesn't matter to you. From what I've seen down here in Florida, money is one of the most important factors. I've had enough money taken from me by wives that within months of marriage couldn't work anymore. "Money doesn't matter" so not buying that again.
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 111
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 9/1/2010 6:43:05 AM
I could say what I mean and mean what I say, but I don't want to
get banned.
Glad I don't live in a world where I have to disect every word to find
an ulterior motive. I just assume the best until I'm shown the worst.
(Which of course I've seen in this forum)

So anyways, as I was saying, I want to be important to someone who's
not needy and I want to add to someone's happiness who's already happy.

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Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 115
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 4/25/2011 4:45:21 AM
^^ I never went after any "stuff" from any man with whom a relationship ended.

Betting sarcastically are you? Well you lost.
SOME go after everything. SOME wish to split it in half. SOME leave with nothing much at all.
And.. SOME have lawyers, SOME merely use a lawyer to help them sign off, and SOME have no lawyer.

While I'm at it.. SOME men get really really bitter and turn it against ALL American women.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 117
view profile
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 4/26/2011 10:25:38 PM

The reality is, I don't need a man.

I want to be needed by someone and I want to feel
like I add to someone's happiness..

So if women do not need men why are they on a dating site? trying to difcferenciate between want and need gets real sticky. Need doesn't just mean a life and death condition without something. Marketing 101 teaches that a person has to have a need of some sort before they want something.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 123
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 5/18/2011 9:02:25 PM

So what I have been disenchanted by is the attitude of many men my age. They don't want a woman with kids, they don't want a live-in relationship because they don't want the responsibility or they want to leave the door open for the next, better woman. Some of the posts here reinforced my understanding. Thankfully, some of the people on here understood what I was trying to say and validated me. Isn't that what these forums are all about anyway? We are trying to learn, grow, understand, and be validate or proved wrong depending on the question.

Looking forward to learning and growing.

I want to know how you changed the alternator in those photo's, and yet your hands stayed so damn clean. ... I know *I* can never manage that.
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 125
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 5/19/2011 8:02:02 AM

So if women do not need men why are they on a dating site?

I don't need ice cream either....but sometimes I just feel like some, cause it makes me smile.
Men are like me
I don't need to live in the ice cream shop...I know where it is.


So here you are in the ice cream / man shop. What flavor would you like today?

 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 127
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 5/19/2011 9:10:46 PM
I keep hearing as to how they are really wanting to get married, but I've personally seen that they just wanna get laid when they have nothing redeeming or appealing about them. I'm sure they are out there, but they could be like me with other purposes that are better than dating.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 129
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 5/22/2011 9:24:10 PM

That is an accurate observation. Men will say whatever they think you want to hear to get some action.

What's this, the Greek chorus? So, is that your strategy, just repeat whatever a "she" says, and she will cleave unto you? Lol. I like to give a woman I've newly met more credit than that, and more than likely, will say whatever I think is kinda funny, laced with genuine, based on truth, to test her reactions. Doubt I could be otherwise- I blurt. So my approach is not a stratagem, not a "plan of attack", but if she laughs, with me, not at me so much, lol, then good stuff will flow from that.
Speak for yourself, Jack. I do. just sayin'
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 130
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 5/23/2011 2:11:05 PM
Pistachio please....YUMMO!!

Me? Spumoni. Or, even better, Cherry Garcia.

Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 132
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 5/26/2011 4:25:16 PM
Massachusetts has lifetime alimony. Man pays until he's in grave, if his ex demands it. Glad I never got married. Don't believe me, Google it!
Joined: 7/27/2010
Msg: 134
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 6/18/2011 12:03:28 PM
I don't think its that men don't want marriage but want it when its right for them "Most' woman I find /meet whatever makes it their quest an are very impatient , and thus the guys do feel pressured or the ladies are very insecure financially or otherwise and want to get married for all the wrong reasons.

I will leave or not get involved when I since that no matter how drop dead they are or its a big turn off for me when woman start acting so old for their age or don't take care of themselves and do start turning into people that have one foot in the grave..

All No Brainers..

Such a huge turnoff especially when the Potential Mate -the GUY_doesn't believe that "We All Must get OLD(sure we do Chronologically )--Its mind over matter 'Age is Just a # It Just Depends on How "U" treat it"
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 137
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/10/2011 9:11:45 PM
Im 47, and was married once. Just have no desire to ever do again...some get married more than once. Not me..Did not lose all my money to her..have a wonderful child. I cant understand why marriage is a requirement? 3 times in the last yr I have gotten involved for several months with different women..I am very upfront about no marriage, yet they still think I will change mind! I have had to leave each relationship because of constant bringing up. Being upfront and honest and still get called a jerk because I wouldnt consider marriage. So wrong!!!!!
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 141
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/17/2011 6:49:32 PM
Hi I am 58 from Chicago and I would love a ltr with the right lady. I dont understand why guys are afraid either.
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 143
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/19/2011 7:30:14 PM
Wow, this thread is making me sad. I would love and plan to get married again, however just not right now. I have sons in college that I still support financially and that is why I have 2 jobs. In 2-3 years when I can quit one job, then it will be feasible. I would never impart my financial burden on anyone.
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 147
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/23/2011 8:36:59 AM
I think the answer is simple. If you're still single by a certain age, chances are you're going to remain single .
First of all, if you have any kind of financial security, you're loath to put hat in jeopardy, no matter how good the sex is. Do you really want to take on the financial bail out of another person? At this point in my life,it's all about safeguarding my financial assets.
Secondly, good looks fade by the time you turn 45 yrs old, so more of a relationship is based on common goals and shared interests. This becomes a defining point for many and if they can't find a "prefect" fit, they pass on the opportunity.
Joined: 7/31/2010
Msg: 148
over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/23/2011 8:37:34 AM
Hi there, i am 46 and male, i truly miss the married life and hope to find true love again and get marrried.........jim
Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 149
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over 45 men and marriage???
Posted: 7/26/2011 4:37:13 PM
my thought is-it may be almost way too easy to leave if the couple involved is not married ; and not work things out resolve difficulties if possible through open communication to try to find a workable, win- win situation. if both persons are happy,
and the needs of both are met- the woman is being faithful to show love and respect, honor so on and the man is fullfilling his roles and responsibilities- then why not marry- why the hesitation? why the excuses?
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