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 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 366
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 14 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
^^^
Thanks that is a good line:

"I know there is a bad girl inside of you somewhere, and there is probably a nice guy inside of me somewhere. Lets save each other shall we?"
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 367
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/13/2015 11:51:00 AM
I doubt you could sustain a relationship based on sexual attraction alone.
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And your point is?

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I dont even get sexual attraction with just looks a man needs a whole lot more than just looks IMO.
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And that is something I count on, since I'm rather average looking. So what? Women I'm not sexually attracted to are called friends.

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Reading forums I sometimes think that men dont consider the fact that there are not that many naturally beautiful women, the hottie often takes a lot of work.
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I certainly consider that, since the fewer attractive women there are, the more I had to do make sure I was in the running. On the other hand, a lot of women could easily make themselves more attractive by attaining a healthy weight. That would take less effort and be more financially advantageous than buying and spending time applying makeup.

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I have my own goals and money and Im responsible with both. But I would always check that the other person is, I dont want to be taking on someone elses responsibilities so Id rather make sure they already have it all under control.
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That makes no sense. Whether or not someone else has his financial situation in order or has goals that suit him has nothing to do with you taking on his "responsibilities." Nobody is forcing you to take on someone else's responsibilities or even decide on what his responsibilities should be. Personally, I think that is just the politically correct way to say looking for a man with money. If a woman is worried about my finances, I would wonder why she needs to have her nose in my money.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 368
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/13/2015 1:11:27 PM
Your point is????
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You said the hottie often takes a lot of work. My point is that women have a weird idea of what hot means. Being hot doesn't require a lot of work. Trying to be hot by covering up the symptoms is what requires work. That so called work is really wasted. The first thing I want to do when I see a woman with lots of make up, is wash her face. Simply being the right weight and skipping the make up would go much further to looking hot than any amount of work a woman could do to make herself look hot.

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Haha, of course Im not. But nor am I looking for a man that cant manage hes and we are relying on what I have. And yes, if we are building a relationship hes finances may impact on me. I doubt it would at my age because Im not sure I would live with someone again but if I was considering it then I dont want someone who wastes a ton of money or is always in debt.
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So, if a guy started inquiring about your finances, you wouldn't suspect that he's interested in your money?
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 369
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/13/2015 1:28:26 PM

I doubt the people RT is referring to were JUST sexually attracted. They wasnt just wanting it with each other. They probably had other things going on like compatability, both wanting a traditional relationship, both wanting a family lots of other stuff. Yes they would need to be sexually attracted of course thats important but for relationships that last that long it needs to be something more than just sexual attraction.


Once again Vicki, you're reading something & seeing what you want to see, not what they wrote.....
RT is saying you don't need physical/sexual attraction at all to Love a Spouse..

How many others read RT's posts and see Him as Lloyd?
I swear, I can picture the below, with RT as the guy......




Lloyd Christmas: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?

Mary Swanson: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really...

Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

Mary Swanson: Not good.

Lloyd Christmas: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one out of a million.

[pause]

Lloyd Christmas: So you're telling me there's a chance... YEAH!
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 370
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/13/2015 3:42:42 PM

@ Blue eyes - er no I think I covered that on a previous post. I thought RT said a couple who had been together into old age. When she was old and lost her looks he would not longer find her attractive and I assume vice versa. So you need more than looks to hold a relationship together. Thats what I thought he ment. I also thought he ment that just wanting sex will end in just getting sex and nothing else. Healthy relationships have more to them than sex. I agreed with him.


Vicki, by his posts I know RT hasn't lived it & maybe you haven't, either...... I Have........

After My wife put on a bunch of weight from the pregnancy, I could close My eyes & see the Hot Young Lady with a Hour Glass Figure, that I married....
After they cut Her open from belly button to breast bone, to remove the tumor, the scar didn't change the way I felt..
When she gained all the weight back from the Steroids they put in Her Chemo Drugs, I still found her physically/sexually appealing....
When She lost every hair on Her body, do to the Radiation treatments, I still found her physically/sexually appealing....

So RT is FOS, in My Opinion..... His ideas on the subject are a Figment of His Imagination....
Where My knowledge on the subject, is from Real Life.....
I've Been There, Done That, & have the T-shirt to Show for it......

I still Lusted for My Wife on the Day she died & had since the Day I met Her.........

ETA: In 2008, when I quit smoking & put on a bunch of weight, & looked like I was pregnant.... My Wife was still sexually attracted to Me, too... So, all during our time together, no matter what our bodies looked like, we still Lusted for each other....
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 371
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/13/2015 3:47:39 PM

IMO ex sex is NOT the most exciting – not even close ! It’s empty , actually, since there’s no meaning behind it.

Tell that to a kid who was born due to that -- and "I got back together with your mom (rolling eyes) because of it..." Or to gals who use sex as a "hook", otherwise you'll be accused of "using" them. ;)

Although many ex's are not on good terms and frenemies of sorts if there's a potentiality for sex -- not all are. One doesn't have to have disdain to an ex or some big negative image. Plus, some will want their ex back, and the other can consider that consider that not ruled out as something to begin in the future, so just enough to have FWB or something.

I think the main thing is someone who's attractive but you have disdain toward. Which many times can be an ex, of course. A co-worker you clash with. A friend of a friend who you clash with, etc. It's not going to rule out people from porking them, though. But it will sure require more than usual to positively pursue/engage the person for said pork-fest. Usually it's not so much "I wouldn't pork them", but more about consciously putting things in place or allowing things to be put in place, for that to happen (effort, motivated by wanting to pork).

However, with some people (ex's being a popular category), there is that combo of "excitement" to bang them again -- which would be Way more exciting than in a dragging relationship. Said excitement for some is driven by that validation -- usually when the other person rejected you or you feel like you weren't good enough or they look a lot better now, etc.

Much the same as when you see a sig-other cheating -- but with someone who Isn't better looking with their sig-other. You scratch your head and say "Why? If you're going to cheat, you'd think they'd have to be some real hottie or something." No.... it's the excitement of being different that more than makes up for it, as long as that 'other person' isn't unattractive.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 372
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/13/2015 11:34:05 PM
Well I always got the impression that hot was the tall blonde girl with really long legs, really short skirts, really big boobs and really low tops. Not so much make up but tanned, nails, really high heels and is good at that pouting thing?
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In other words, the caricature you see on tv.

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No, I would assume he was checking to make sure I wasnt one of those women who just wants a man for hes money. That he was checking to see if I was responsible with my money and was independant and not looking for a man to provide for me.
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Good luck with that. A guy that needs to know about those things only needs to know because he needs you to spend money on him.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 373
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/14/2015 4:20:29 AM

Poor Rocking Trucker: Of course there is validity to your argument. It's just that you take it to an extreme. Sexual attraction versus a decision to love somebody is not an either/or thing - more like a continuum. Some people value one more than the other, but usually not just one or the other. Now, wipe that scowl off your face and go get laid.
4

I'm not calling it an either or thing, I'm just saying that you don't need either one to have the other. They can both exist alone. And very commonly do. We have both for two different reasons. Sex can build an emotional attachment and an emotional attachment can build a sexual attraction. But you can love someone and want to spend your life with them without sex, and you can have sex with someone that you don't want to see the next day.

My stance on this whole thing is that you have the exist all that time outside of the bedroom. And that time is what's going to decide the difference between a relationship that can lead to marriage and a family or just being **** buddies. If sex is what makes or breaks your relationship, then all you have is sex.

Tons of papers have been written about the topic. Sex has an important place in relationships, because without it, people tend to find it somewhere else, feel guilty, or just go through the motions, meanwhile almost everyone in the field puts the importance on communication and intimacy (not sex). Basically, we need sex because we're monogamous while the thing holding our relationships together is everything outside of the bedroom.

And honestly, I'm going to trust reputable psychologists over someone that was divorced twice or could never find something really long term. One did research, the other was his example of what not to do.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 374
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/14/2015 4:20:36 PM

I'm not calling it an either or thing, I'm just saying that you don't need either one to have the other. They can both exist alone. And very commonly do. We have both for two different reasons. Sex can build an emotional attachment and an emotional attachment can build a sexual attraction. But you can love someone and want to spend your life with them without sex, and you can have sex with someone that you don't want to see the next day.


OMG, there you go again.... With the same old BS.....
I can Love My Parents, My Kids, My Cat or Dog.... That Love is different than the Love I feel towards My SO....
Without the Physical/Sexual Attraction, they're just My Friend, My Buddy, they don't even need to be Male or Female...
I'm beginning to think you're either Asexual or have no desire for Sex at all....

As I said in post #387....

OFFS..... Do You know How most of Us know You've never had a Long Term Loving Relationship with a Woman, whom, You're also Sexually Attracted to, RT?

That's a Rhetorical Question, no need to answer.....


And in post #411....

Do you want to know a Dirty Little Secret, RT, Do you, really, Do you?

Your Parents had some Sexual Attraction to each other.. Do you know how I know this?
Think about it, come on, you can find the answer, it's not that hard of a question.........


But nothing I post will get thru your thick skull.... Your Fantasy, is Your Reality... The rest of us live in the Real World & know differently......
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 375
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/15/2015 7:04:21 AM
No dipshit, I live in reality. I personally know people who have happily dated people who there wasn't a sexual attraction, but there was a deeper attraction. It happens all the ****ing time. How the **** do you think asexual people end up meeting someone and getting married, and even have kids? Oh right, they don't because they're not sexually attracted to the other person. Because without sex, there's no relationship.

Jesus ****ing christ:
Polyamory
Open Relationships
Asexual people
Honey Boo-Boo's mom

If you're so ****ing smart about relationships and sex, explain all 4 of these... how they get relationships, get married, what they're looking for in relationships, have kids... .Every ****ing thing. Until you do, these people are PROOF that you're wrong.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 376
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/15/2015 4:33:28 PM

No dipshit, I live in reality. I personally know people who have happily dated people who there wasn't a sexual attraction, but there was a deeper attraction. It happens all the ****ing time. How the **** do you think asexual people end up meeting someone and getting married, and even have kids? Oh right, they don't because they're not sexually attracted to the other person. Because without sex, there's no relationship.

Jesus ****ing christ:
Polyamory
Open Relationships
Asexual people
Honey Boo-Boo's mom

If you're so ****ing smart about relationships and sex, explain all 4 of these... how they get relationships, get married, what they're looking for in relationships, have kids... .Every ****ing thing. Until you do, these people are PROOF that you're wrong.


OK, Smart Guy.... You're so sure you're Right, when are YOU going to marry someone whom YOU have no Physical Attraction to? Are YOU going to marry someone who YOU find Fooking Ugly, someone who's Appearance you're Repulsed By....
Poly are just Attracted to more than one Person, Open Relationships, Same Thing.....
Asexual People, YOU tell Me, 'cause By YOUR posts, YOU sound like you're one of Those people.....
I've never watched Honey Boo-Boo, it sounds like it's more YOUR speed..........

If YOU would open YOUR eyes and Read what I've posted, I include Both Physical & Sexual Attraction....
It can be an Either-Or thing, too...... But there was a Attraction there of Some Kind......

Yes, People can get together with someone they're Not Attracted to.... Most times there's an Over Riding Reason...
Money, Power, Royalty..... It's a Marriage of Convenience... Those people feel they don't have any other Choice....
In 2015 and in the Western 1st World, they don't happen that often...

So again, Smart Guy, tell us about the Woman, You're Dating, that YOU'RE Physically Repulsed by....
Because the Opposite of Attraction is Repulsion....


But I should know better than Reply to YOUR Tripe.... Mark Twain was Right about this....


"Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."



Vicki:
Anyway, again I find myself somewhere in the middle. Blue, I totally get what your saying. But I have lived differently from you. I was sexually attracted to my ex when we first met but there was a whole lot more attraction than just sex.


If you're going to agree with RT, then You would have gotten together with Your EX with NO Physical or Sexual Attraction...
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 377
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/15/2015 11:57:38 PM

Sex can build an emotional attachment and an emotional attachment can build a sexual attraction.

That's what I tell girls who tell me they're just not into me and ask me to shoo. I try to remind them of that, but they just don't Understand!! ;)

But you can love someone and want to spend your life with them without sex, and you can have sex with someone that you don't want to see the next day.

The first part, if in a sexual age -- yeah, as a friend... or if you're talking about asexual people (issues). Yes, you can have sex with someone you don't want to see the next day. That does Not mean you're sexually attracted to someone you don't want to have sex with.

My stance on this whole thing is that you have the exist all that time outside of the bedroom.

Yes, absolutely. But to not have the desire to have sexual relations with someone = Not Sexually Attracted = Only Platonic Feelings at best. True, a small % of the time, one can lack sexual attraction with someone to the extent they don't "see them like that", but over time as a friend/co-worker/etc, it can develop (roofies help; kidding). But again, that's a small %, and those who aim for that are trying to throw 3 pointers in-between the half-court line and the 3-pt line on the run. Can happen, yeah. You'll hear about the makes far more than the misses.

I personally know people who have happily dated people who there wasn't a sexual attraction, but there was a deeper attraction. It happens all the ****ing time.

It's usually a fvcked up situation when that happens -- more often in sugar-daddy/baby situations. Or sexual attraction lost in them, but also not sexually driven anyway, and more like close friends like gal-pals are (who you think probably make out but never do and aren't into each other). Anyway, no, healthy relationships are NOT At All Common that way.

And it's not common At All in relationships of people 20-60 where there's No sexual attraction but some deep friendship+attachment attraction.

John: "So, you've been with Bob for, what, 15 years now?"
Sally: "Yeah. It's a wonderful marriage. I'm very much in love with him."
John: "That's great, after 15 years, to be so expressive. I'm sure the sex life isn't lacking..."
Sally: "Well... no, I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. Sex? With Him? Ehhh, not into him in that way. I'll do it for him, like on his birthday or cleaning the basement. But him and I -- you wouldn't understand. There's a Deeper connection."
John: "Like, what? His bank account?"
 SassyKatniss
Joined: 7/10/2015
Msg: 378
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/16/2015 6:13:36 AM
Just reading the last page, not entirely 100% sure what everyone's opinion is here, not to butt in or anything but, I feel that sex *can* be a basic need and so can intimacy. Just a general reference: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/58/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs.svg Not that I fully 'subscribe' to Maslow's theory/hierarchy of needs, just is somewhat helpful. Intimacy is not quite *as* needed, but it is different for everyone. Physiologically hormones in the body make us literally physically desire sex and sexual release (testosterone and estrogen - for women to a degree progesterone). Also important to note that sex works differently for the genders, females get more of the bonding hormone released (oxytocin) as well as dopamine, but males primarily receive just a big hit of dopamine (basically 'pleasure' and addiction neurotransmitter). Both receive serotonin and norpinephrine during sex and physical contact. For second last sentence refer to: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2031498/Sex-Why-makes-women-fall-love--just-makes-men-want-MORE.html

I will put a bit of information (just basic) about how the neurotransmitters involved work...
Dopamine: Excitatory and inhibitory.
Effects: Very Low = Parkinson's and side effects like loss of balance and coordination, issues walking and with motor skills, shaking, and cognitive impairment.
Mild Elevations = Excited and/or euphoria, stimulated/hyper-stimulated, wired/focused, depending on the level. Addictions to nicotine and narcotics (meth, cocaine). Some drugs can cause higher levels of increase of dopamine like meth, which can cause hallucinations, paranoia and delusions (drug induced psychosis).
Moderate to High Elevations = Severe psychiatric conditions like schizophrenia and paranoia which consist of a loss of reality, extreme paranoia and psychosis. Can be treated with anti-psychotics (that block or lower dopamine).

Okay too much to include what I originally wanted to so refer to these sources:
Information: https://www.neurogistics.com/TheScience/WhatareNeurotransmi09CE.asp
Neurotransmitter chart: http://ocw.mit.edu/ans7870/SP/SP.236/S09/lecturenotes/drugchart.htm
Serotonin and dopamine: http://www.womensaccounts.com/mental_health_Carver_neurotrasmitter.html
Norpinephrine and GABA: http://www.womensaccounts.com/mental_health_Carver_norepinephrine.html

Back to the topic... there are basic needs which after real basic survival probably comes sex then belonging etc and more emotional and psychological needs. Of course someone can just love someone and/or experience lust for them but it is the same kind of cycle. Love and lust itself has a neurochemical basis but not everything is biological. Like obviously caring for them and other kind of sociopsychological things. Just a complicated mix of many aspects really, not trying to remove the 'magic' of it. People are different also, some need sex more some do not. Some need lots of intimacy and emotional connection etc, some do not.

Hope this helps!
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 379
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/16/2015 8:28:25 AM

No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want


I guess to get back to the actual original post... I might disagree slightly with the OP.

No spark/chemistry is not a code; it is a statement that they DO know what they don't want.

It doesn't matter if a person fully does or does not understand what resonates and engages with them; and it might be a moving target.

But someone will and does know when something leaves them cold. (that nowhere place between desire and revulsion). If something does not engage the brain, does not stimulate the endorphins, does not rev the motor and someone is passive in how they feel around a person; and they DON'T want passive, tepid feelings with who they choose to be around?

Then it is ok for them to say they aren't feeling it; and be honest with a person. Because who WANTS to be with someone who is tolerating being around them and not excited about it? Doesn't everyone deserve to be with someone who wants to be with them actively, not just passively?


ps. Behind Blue Eyes.. that was incredibly beautifully put; your wife sounds like she was a wonderful woman; and it sounds like you were a wonderful man to her as well. That was really beautiful to read. Thank you.


second ps. i think I know what Rocking Trucker is trying to say. I think some of the most passionate things in here are people talking about an overly romantic passionate type of relationship; but there are other kinds of relationships that are not sexual, they are not even necessarily romantic (though some are) but where the strength of the mental and emotional bond is there to the point it almost supercedes the sexual component at all. I call them spiritual almost relationships. Where two people can get so close emotionally and mentally that nothing else matters. They can be totally and completely platonic, they can be platonic but where one is attracted to another; or they can be full on sexual; but where the relationship is not about attraction or sex; it's about the strong connection between two people that builds a deep abiding bond. Those CAN happen with people where one (or both) feel no attraction whatsoever, but where they can be incredibly close for years sometimes.
 SassyKatniss
Joined: 7/10/2015
Msg: 380
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/17/2015 12:08:42 AM
Just checked in again on this thread.
Vicki said:
Maybe it depends on where you are on Maslows list as to what kind of sex you need? Maybe if your only on the bottom rung your less likely to need the intimacy???? Or maybe if a few things are missing from the bottom two your not driven by intimacy your driven by sex? But if you have everything on the first two your more driven by intimacy than sex???? Just thinking out loud?

Well I think the hierarchy of needs is based around the idea that people are motivated to reach the highest level or well the 'self actualizing' level. Self actualization can be defined as "the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone."
He seemed to of based it on the idea that more basic survival needs come first then psychological needs then lastly the self actualizing need/level. It kind of is more like steps or stages in my opinion, where you have to meet the first basic survival level to progress to the next stage etc. The sections are kind of broken into labeled level groups in the image as well (basic survival, psychological then the self actualization/self fulfillment level). Yes you are right it is motivation, but our behavior is governed by motivation. Basic survival is governed by motivation to well survive, then the later levels are governed by motivation to meet psychological needs etc.
Men tend to have higher testosterone levels so it may possibly be part of why women/or you yourself do not see it as that essential. Sometimes if people are depressed or suffering from a psychiatric or physical condition they may also not desire sex as much. Some people also just do not desire it much as a part of their personality as well. So really there are a lot of factors that may impact on libido.
We are moving into the childhood disorders in my course work at the moment. Just finished studying a number of different disorders. Trauma and abuse, even bullying can cause changes in the brain. From just chemicical to more structural. That kind of thing would cause different neural connections to be made that are probably more negative rather than the positive ones. It's pretty complicated...and they are predisposed to developing things like PTSD, anxiety disorders, depression, maybe mood disorders, borderline personality disorder and probably a range of other issues/or disorders. Schizophrenia aetiology is a bit more complicated, it's pretty highly heritable and more common in men. As far as brain chemistry and structural changes, schizophrenics with negative symptoms tend to have enlarged ventricles and depression and anxiety seems to be linked to schizophrenia in general. Of course certain drugs can cause drug induced psychosis as well.

Back to what you said at the bottom of your post, yeah I am thinking if you are missing food, that will be the immediate motivation. If you are not getting sex and the really basic survival needs are met (food, water etc) then just sex in a physical sense would be desired. Then if that is achieved the intimacy would be desired. Again hard to say though, some people just don't need intimacy as much, some people also have low libidos for some reason or other and don't want/need sex that much.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 381
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/17/2015 7:02:26 AM
No spark....I went out with this guy I met two years ago and had been on dates with before. Had our fourth one last Saturday. He is tall, dark, and handsome, but I feel absolutely no attraction to him. It's his personality I think - he is sweet and gentlemanly, but I need someone a little more feisty. He just seems to "submissive", and I don't want to be the man in the relationship. I could be friends with him, but the thought of having sex with him does not turn me on.

It's a combination of looks and personality - I can overcome looks to a certain extend, but not personality, because that's how you truly connect to someone.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 382
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History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/18/2015 2:13:00 AM


No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
I guess to get back to the actual original post... I might disagree slightly with the OP. No spark/chemistry is not a code; it is a statement that they DO know what they don't want.

I disagree with both. No, it does not mean they DO know. They many times do, sure -- but also many times to only varying degrees.

It's Usually just politically-correct terminology ("code") for "I don't find you physically attractive." You can't say that IRL so easily. So... we're politically correct about it. The same goes for the 2nd-place reason for it being a false statement: "You annoy/upset/turn-me-off," by something about them. Many times that isn't to the extent you want to tell them off, and many people wouldn't anyway, so they just use the coined-term "No spark/chemistry" -- even though it's not merely a Lack of something, but something turning them off in that case.

So the problem is that it's LYING 95% of the time. We're so used to it, and it's so approved, that we don't count it as a lie. We strive to say "Well, no, see, there wasn't a spark or chemistry, so..." and also trying to make it sound like they weren't "JUST unattractive" or "it wasn't JUST that he was an blood curling laugh". Let's just call a spade a spade -- you lied, even though understandably in most situations.

The problem with this is: What about when they're 100% NOT lying? Well, that can be when they "don't know". It's just "something". Usually with little dating experience, getting back into it after she left her bf/husband after he banged the secretary. You'll find more of the cluelessness there. But also it doesn't require cluelessness -- it does happen sometimes. But it's hard for us to be honest with ourselves about it, too.

When it literally IS the case:

- They are Attractive and Attractive To You. There's no weighing their level of attractiveness in your mind. They aren't visually attractive but, say, Indian and in the end you don't roll that way, but wouldn't mind seeing him/her in a porn or something. No, that's still not attracted to them -- sorry. There's also no attractive-enough to have a fling with, but not attractive enough for a relationship. Can't play that game either to get out of this one. They're Fully Attractive for ANY situation.

- They're great "on paper" To You. Job, relationship status, living status, finances -- and what Type of person they are.... yep, seems just fine.

- There's nothing that Turns You Off. No creepy or crazy belly laugh expressed a ton. No pot problem. No strings attached to the ex. No really really bad fashion sense. No sense of humor that makes you wonder why the hell is he posting like this. None of that. ;)

- So with all that said that IS A-OK, the lack-of-chemistry being *THE* (sole) reason: You don't flow/mesh well. USUALLY this is just a by-product of NOT being attracted to them enough, which is why we use this fake line and believe it. But once in a while, you're just off-key and realize that's how each of your are set & flow in your lives, and it shows through in your interaction, Despite him/her being real cute and great on paper -- where You Could Bring Them Home to Mom & Dad... who you could be friends with, but not Lock-In to be real close friends with. That type of thing.

It is usually a hasty final-judgement off a 1st date (after you've already meshed online & on the phone, etc) -- which is why most of the time, people are Lying and want to believe that's really the reason.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 383
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/19/2015 2:40:38 PM
Again I think a lot of people mean "attraction" but use the words spark/chemistry - to some that's what it means, to others they may think it sounds nicer. I think it usually just means 'I can't imagine ever getting physically romantic with you".
 BBEisBack
Joined: 9/16/2015
Msg: 384
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History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/21/2015 12:30:54 AM

ps. Behind Blue Eyes.. that was incredibly beautifully put; your wife sounds like she was a wonderful woman; and it sounds like you were a wonderful man to her as well. That was really beautiful to read. Thank you.


Thank you moonbeamlover, some people get & many others don't.... That means a lot to me..
None of us are perfect, but You just try & do the best you can....

I can honestly say, if I could, I'd trade places, so She could be here instead of me...
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 385
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/21/2015 4:08:27 PM

None of us are perfect, but You just try & do the best you can....

I can honestly say, if I could, I'd trade places, so She could be here instead of me...


That is true... and I am sure you would; but I somehow suspect she is happy for you that she was able to NOT have you trade places with her... you will be reunited (at least I believe so) but in the meantime, it's awesome you have such wonderful memories. She really does sound like a special person. Having no regrets when someone passes is the best thing any of us can do; knowing we loved with all our hearts while they were here with us to love, without those horrible words "if only". Kudus on what sounds like a beautiful relationship. There's enough toxic angry darkness in here; the warm stories are really especially appreciated.

peace
 BBEisBack
Joined: 9/16/2015
Msg: 386
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History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/21/2015 5:21:24 PM


That is true... and I am sure you would; but I somehow suspect she is happy for you that she was able to NOT have you trade places with her... you will be reunited (at least I believe so) but in the meantime, it's awesome you have such wonderful memories. She really does sound like a special person. Having no regrets when someone passes is the best thing any of us can do; knowing we loved with all our hearts while they were here with us to love, without those horrible words "if only". Kudus on what sounds like a beautiful relationship. There's enough toxic angry darkness in here; the warm stories are really especially appreciated.

peace


I have lots of Regrets & "if only"....
Listening to Her & delaying the trip to Harry Potter World in Orlando, till the next year... When it turned out, there was No Next year....
Never taking the trip to Hawaii, that She want to take.. There was always something else We wanted to do instead of that...

All the things We didn't do, because I didn't want to, but She did... Things I won't do now, because She's not here to do them with... Even if someone else wanted to take Me there..
 TunedintoYou
Joined: 2/9/2016
Msg: 388
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/18/2016 6:20:06 PM
You think its bothering you......I'm one of the ones its happening to. Im a doctor, and a fairly talented musician and I have done modeling and am considered by many attractive. Im not saying this to brag, but I have been told the same thing numerous times....and it quite frankly angers me. But I have the answer at least to why it happens. The answer is not what you expect, so brace yourself.
I have arrived at this conclusion after over a year of dedicated research and interviews on the topic because it was happening to me often. There was a time when it didnt happen to me but then it began to suddenly, so I had to first look at what changed in my life, and the answer was nothing in a bad way. I was more successful financially, and musically, and was in the best shape of my life, so what then ? the answer is that I went on Testosterone replacement therapy around the time that all this happened. When someone goes on that, their body stops producing as much if any of their own natural testosterone. When that happens the hormones that are precursors to Testosterone also are not present in adequate quantities as well. Although there are many that don't believe in pheromones ( a substance that is detected by the vomeronasal organ ) Science has adequately demonstrated that pheromones exist and are subconsciously picked up by females. Science has shown that the vomeronasal organ is vestigial in humans and non functioning with no nerve connections and therefor could not pick up pheromones, however further studies were spurred on due to the evidence that these pheromone substances could be picked up. That evidence being that if you put a group of women together for a period of time their menstrual cycles will line up with each other, indicating that chemo-reception is occuring. The olfactory system therefore adapted to also do the job of the vomeronasal organ as that organ is no longer functional .... we have evolved out of using it as the olfactory system improved over time. Men can as well, but we tend to rely more on things like looks, personality, and things in common when picking a mate. Women are subconsciously programmed to be attracted to males that have a lot of one of the main precursors to testosterone that is secreted in males sweat. Men who are Testosterone replacement therapy long enough not only don't produce that hormone in adequate quantities, but they begin to convert extra estrogen from the testosterone replacement therapy. So although these men on therapy have plenty of testosterone, function normally or in many instances as good as they did during puberty, tend to be young looking, in shape, and happy usually successful people ( all benefits from having good levels of Testosterone ) Women subconsciously pick up on the lack of testosterone precursors as well as the extra estrogen which is more of a woman's hormone and are instantly turned off no matter how good looking, successful or otherwise you are. This is happening as well because women like to believe in that love at first sight thing which is portrayed so well in romance novels and TV. One of the things that I realized in my research was that all of the women that I dated since being on Testosterone replacement have had lesbian tendencies which now makes sense. Now if you first get to know a woman as a friend, and she is attracted to you but with no spark, it may be possible for that girl to rationalize out that it doesn't make sense that she is not into you and then date you. This unfortunately has not happened to me, so I will be testing some of the pheromone colognes that are on the market.....but this is where science has shown that these may not be effective since we have not proven to be able to properly isolate the hormones into a cologne. Many of these companies are out just for a buck, so Im only hopeful now.
so why is this happening more and more you ask.....its because over the last 30 years men for the most part have 60% less testosterone overall. It depends on how many phyto-estrogens in the environment a mans mother was exposed to during pregnancy as well as the mans exposure through puberty and throughout life. These harmful man killing substances are everywhere in water bottles, soup and soda cans, the plastic in your car, and literally just about everywhere. Woman are smart creatures so maybe explaining this to them when they dont understand why they are not into someone even though they feel they should be could help....I will try this as well. I will keep you posted on the results.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 389
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/18/2016 6:23:21 PM
No chemistry means no sexual attraction. Simple. It is not strictly an American thing and you are generalising. Women and most men want that spark of attraction otherwise you are just friends. It is natural for those looking to date and to mate....
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 390
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/19/2016 11:20:12 AM
it might also be woman-code for, "i DO know what I want, and little boy, you don't have it yet."
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