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 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 53
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 2 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

Well. She still trys to see me and talk to me. I refuse to go out and have a drink with her because shes already caused me enough pain. And shes the one who seems to be moving on just fine. I don't even want to meet anyone right now or "start a fire some where else" lol. But she just trys to keep me around. No idea why.


Perhaps she isnt aware of how deep your feelings are for her and she believes that you are OK with just being her friend. Perhaps you should tell her that you are incapable of spending time with her because you are unable to have friendships with women that you have a romantic interest in. Unless you really believe that this woman is deliberately messing with your head and that belief doesnt stem from her rejection of you, you may want to consider why you would be so quick to assign such negative attributes to her. After all she was such a great person that you wanted to have a relationship with her, didnt you? What changed, other than the fact that she doesnt want a romantic relationship with you?
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 56
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/20/2010 8:32:47 PM

This is incredibly obvious and simple. No secret decoder ring needed.
"There is no spark." = "I'm not interested in you in a romantic/sexual way."
"I don't feel chemistry." = "I'm not interested in you in a romantic/sexual way."
"Something is missing." = "I'm not interested in you in a romantic/sexual way."


Absolutely true.

There's no "code" about it for me. I have felt zero attraction/spark/lust/chemistry with some guys, and incredible amounts with others. It often has little to do with how handsome the man is, but EVERYTHING to do with how attractive he is - those are not the same thing. My last long-term boyfriend was a much older fat guy, shorter than I and nothing special to look at, but OMG did he make me laugh, he was sexy/charismatic as hell, and a superb kisser. I knew I wanted him five minutes after I met him, even though physically he was nothing at all like anyone else I'd ever dated.

And sometimes, there is a literal spark...when I met my late husband, the first time we physically touched it felt like we'd both gotten zapped by an electric current. Best example of "chemistry" either of us had ever experienced.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 59
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/20/2010 11:27:37 PM
shiate if I know
every LTR that I have had was when I was not looking, and off the market.
It seems like a good time to give a high dose of indifference to women in general

Fishing overseas if I am fishing at all.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 61
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/21/2010 5:34:36 AM
It's CODE, all right. It's CODE for: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

Sheesh, someone ought to write a book about this, and then make it into a film. It would be hilarious.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 64
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/21/2010 7:55:02 AM
I can only answer for myself. If there's a great guy and we get along well, I'm going to simply spend more time with him as long as we continue to enjoy ourselves. I've dated men who I didn't feel initial chemistry with who I later became attracted to based on their personality and how we were getting along. I simply think it's the difference in having more mature dating experiences.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 70
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/29/2010 8:41:31 PM
I think everyone has things that are turn on's and turn offs, it is just part of being human.
Attraction is such a complicated thing, however I believe that latter in life it becomes more of a mature thing.
In other words I have absolutely no interest in dating someone that is a bad boy, but I am not 20 either.
I have interests that involve basically 2 things:
traits that I adore: people who show what they are made of by giving themselves to everything they do wholeheartedly, yet at the same time no how to relax and replenish.
Someone who can really experience joy without the need to keep up with safe defensiveness.
Someone who looks and talks to me like I am a chocolate dove bar.
Someone who enjoys my goofiness and can engage in fun bantor,without being judgemental.
People who love to laugh.
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 71
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/30/2010 6:20:24 AM
It's called a childish thing.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 72
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/30/2010 7:44:41 AM
The real irony about this veiled "nice guy" thread is why guys continually, blindly think that women are attracted to nice guys!?


The whole misinterpretation of these guys is astounding....


Being nice and sweet are feminine traits....why would a woman be attracted to feminine traits in a man?

Some are - not most -

that's like women thinking that men are really attracted to chicks that are beer drinking, crotch scratching football watching - cheering and swearing with the boys for each and ever game. even when the game is not on...she's acting the same way.

its cool for a bit of course- but in general ... take that gal right there sitting with ya at the sports bar guzzling beer....and in walks the Budweiser Girls in short tight booty shorts....short tiny shirts, sans bras - high heels, make up and teased out hair....very feminine...

who is the guy gonna be generally attracted to?

the beer girls?

or

the girl in the college sweatshirt?
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 73
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/30/2010 9:52:59 PM
Sweet is nice in a guy, I've had the pr*ck, know it all verbally abuse jerk because I was young and naive. Never again, never since.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 74
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/3/2010 5:09:37 PM
Women are much more into that chemistry, connection, etc. nonsense talk than men are, probably by tenfold. It seems to me that men are more open to give things a chance rather than ruling them out on the spot. This is probably even more true today than ever before. It's not by coincidence that there are millions and again millions of singles out there since no one's good enough.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 76
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/3/2010 6:11:31 PM
That Handy Man: calm down. I said that women are more into that kind of TALK than men are. Besides, men and women don't understand each other anyway so don't pretend that you're an exception. But yes, I agree that action speaks louder than words and that's always true.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 77
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/4/2010 4:28:36 PM
"so, are men just automtically attracted to every women they meet then?"
----------
No. But men more willing to give something a chance. I believe that (without stats) women are on top when it comes to ending relationships and potential such. They tend to think and analyse too much and that rarely leads anywhere. So when you throw in talk like chemistry, connection, fireworks, butterflies, sparks here and there, etc., and at the end of the day you're alone waiting for the next chance to repeat the same pattern. And so it continues. Perhaps the biggest problem is that very few know exactly what they want and where and how to look for it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 78
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/4/2010 5:44:10 PM
Women can't win. If we say we're not interested/attracted, we didn't give it a chance. If we give a guy a chance and decide later on it won't work, we lead the guy on and should have just told him no to begin with. If we're not interested but date the guy anyway, we're wasting his time (unless he's ok with people dating him out of boredom/pity).

There seems to be no acceptable way to handle the situation when two people aren't a match.

Why would a guy WANT a woman to stick around if she's not attracted hoping things will change or someday she'll be able to stomach him enough to stay? Don't men want a woman who's actually into them mutually?

And the fact that a guy will work with what he's got is silliness. If a guy's not interested from the beginning, why would he want to give it a chance? What for?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 79
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/4/2010 6:16:10 PM

No. But men more willing to give something a chance. I believe that (without stats) women are on top when it comes to ending relationships and potential such. They tend to think and analyse too much and that rarely leads anywhere. So when you throw in talk like chemistry, connection, fireworks, butterflies, sparks here and there, etc., and at the end of the day you're alone waiting for the next chance to repeat the same pattern. And so it continues. Perhaps the biggest problem is that very few know exactly what they want and where and how to look for it.


no, I disagree with this statement. Every guy out there that was labelled a jerk, is basically a guy who wasn't willing to give a woman a chance at what she wanted with him.


I do agree that women analyze and think too much for sure. However, when a woman doesn't know what she wants? She doesn't know what she wants. But she knows what she doesn't want: YOU

women, far more than men- are far more willing to get into a relationship with the wrong guy. because women are far more interested in getting into relationships than men are. plus women aren't choosing the men that come and talk to her. she is choosing between the men that come and talk to her.

so at some level, she's already at a disadvantage before a relationship ever matriculates.

think of it this way. A man sees a room of 10 women he doesn't know. He gets to choose the women he wants to approach. And if he likes her after that- then he will pursue her further.

women sees a room of 10 men she doesn't know and its like she's in line waiting to be picked for dodge ball. she has to decide between the man that comes and asks her to join his team.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 80
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/4/2010 6:39:00 PM
There's more than one approach to all this. As I said in my previous post - women are on top (almost guaranteed) of ending relationships as well as potential such. Again, if you start thinking and analysing too damned much, you start looking for a way out and even more so if you drag a load of bad experiences behind you. It's always easier to find flaws and negative things than it is to find good and positive things - strange but true. Now, unless we're talking about a situation where two people definitely do not match and it's absolutely obvious for either both or one party, there's no reason not to actually give it a chance. This is where men and women differ a lot in my opinion. I could bet almost anything that if you take a 1000 "cases" at least 700 of them will be represented by women simply because of the reasons I've already mentioned. Of course all kinds of silly games make things only worse.

It's not about dating somebody you don't feel attracted to. It's about exploring possibilities, such as the possibility that just MAYBE it takes more than let's say one or two dates to blow someone off. Put aside your bad experiences caused by a$$holes in the past who definitely WERE wrong for you, forget about stupid games and gives "this" guy a chance and see where it goes. But no. Instead the talk about chemistry, connection, butterflies and all kinds of nonsense take over and serve more as an excuse for herself mainly, to call it off. The guy then reflects on the situation and can't find anything wrong - nor with himself. The answer, as it often turns out, has nothing to do with him - it has to do with her.

Perhaps it boils down to the fact that women simply have too many options. Then on top of that most of them have no idea in the world what they want. As long as that's true they can turn every rock in the forest without finding anything. One bad relationship ends the same way as the one before - short, bad and a waste of time. I just think that sex is on the agenda for a lot of women which ties into the fact that the options are too many. The only difference between men and women is that men are more open about it. Only a fool believes in what a woman tells him.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 81
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/4/2010 7:03:08 PM
robert- If a woman breaks up with a man....Its because the man did not recognize and listen her signs early enough on to be able to either change the issues that she has against him OR he passed through the red flags she was putting off early in the relationship and those red flags came to bite him in the a$$...

As a man- you should never allow yourself to be in a relationship with a woman whose red flags you have ignored. Women do not give off red flags to men they want to be with.

There is a saying:

Chicks don't brush guys off...
Guys brush chicks off.

What you say is "women having too many options" is not "options" in the sense that men think they are. Women have too much available options for having sex with someone. Women have too many options with men who are wasting her time.

What women do not have is a lot of options for a serious viable relationship. In the end, their options for a serious relationship with someone they really like and really vibe with (and who really likes them and vibes with them) is exactly the same as a man's...


I do agree that most women truly do not ""know"" what they want, as you say. Its up to the man to show her that he is the man that she wants. That is why I keep saying on these boards for women not to chase men- to allow the man to chase her. Because the man is the natural chaser. If a woman respects herself and allows the man to chase her guess what? The man who is really serious about her will rise with the cream.

All the other simpletons will fall to the wayside. This is how she is able to make a better, more informed decision on the man who is the right man for her. Because the man, who does the choosing- and then chases a particular woman more than the rest....he knows what he wants. HER....

And if she follows the more old fashioned way of things (forget this feminist 21st century, modern times sh1t) and has some patience, she'll get waht she truly wants....and so will he...



Men have the clear advantage before the relationship commitment begins. Easily by far we do.


Think of it this way : If a woman truly does not know what she wants- then she is very easily led by men showing her something that she doesn't want, she just doesn't know it quite yet. So take a woman that you want and lead her.

If she's not that into you- don't pout or get your feelings hurt...just move onto the next one.
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 82
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/6/2010 7:18:08 AM
Women shouldn't accept those old saws about men having to choose first.

Walk over and say, "hiya!" It's actually a very attractive thing to do. Even sending a friend over to say you're too shy to ask (which spares you the in-the-face rejection) is very attractive.

Kobayashi-maru, my friends. If you don't like any of the options offered you, create new ones. (Ask the Trekkies if you don't understand.)

ED BEAR
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 83
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2010 6:34:34 PM
You know what I've learned by living life, whatever someone of the opposite gender makes a statement about being compatible or what they want out of someone it is "true fact" and to read it into something more like "I don't know what I want" is stupid. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't want you?
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 84
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/12/2010 1:58:36 PM
Robert.... This statement ...

Instead the talk about chemistry, connection, butterflies and all kinds of nonsense take over and serve more as an excuse for herself mainly, to call it off.
Says more about you than you know..

What i get from that is that you think anything to do with the woman having a choice in who she develops a relationship with is "nonsense". Her reasons for deciding on which man she wants to be with are "nonsense" to you. I hate to tell you, but she doesn't need an "excuse' to get out of having a relationship with a man she's not interested in, she has every right to refuse to be involved in any relationship she chooses whether or not the man involved wants it or not.

It seems like you think that your way of exploring a relationhsip is the only way. I am pleased to tell you that it is not...
 soxlifeguard07
Joined: 6/21/2011
Msg: 85
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/17/2011 3:46:39 PM
Funny you say that, bc a guy told me just about verbaitum the same thing....I don't really understand how physical attraction and clicking personalities don't warrant a relationship ...what the hell is this supposed spa4(/
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 86
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/30/2011 5:32:43 PM
I used the chemistry thing one date.... She still cried...but telling her there was no chemistry was still a lot simpler than telling her it was because she was 40 pounds lighter in her picture, now has kids that the profile didn't mention, is a lush, is clingy and mentally unstable and has no boundaries of her own...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 87
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/30/2011 8:19:33 PM
Instant chemistry is for losers and the feather-brained. Everyone here had that magical spark, instant chemistry for their ex when they first met, thinking he/she was the magical fairy tale figure they were going to live happily ever after with in the magical kingdom. If he/she was the ONE, why aren't you with that perfect person? Why are you divorced/separated? Everyone, especially women, say they know within a few seconds if the stranger they meet is the ONE, Mr/ (Ms) Total Perfection-totally flawless who could do no wrong. How many live happily ever after in the magical kingdom with Mr. Perfect Stranger?

It's amazing, and amusing, how many women say "My female intuition is never wrong". That's why so many women pick a guy they end up hating and divorcing. It's a good thing men don't go around bragging about "Male Intuition". Men take a more logical approach to the mating ritual. Men don't say "This is the woman I'm going to marry!" withing 3 seconds of meeting a total stranger. There has to be physical attraction, just like with women, but men are willing to take their time knowing someone first. Women refuse to wait for the "getting to know you" phase and want a diamond ring and a wedding plan immediately. Women take the approach: 'If the guy does something I don't like or has some bad habits, I'll change him and train him right'. Guys don't work that way.
 coastalmermaid
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 88
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 9/1/2011 3:02:11 AM
Like many female posters have already stated...'no spark/chemistry' is code for we just don't want you. Too easy. That 'spark/chemistry' is the only thing that sets a romantic friendship apart from any other friendship.

For me 'chemisty' means that intense physical/mental/emotional and sometimes spiritual reciprocal connexion we are capable of experiencing with another human. It's so special and unique that many such as myself have only experienced it a few times over a lifetime. It's ethereal and nothing like anything else in the whole world. It's worth waiting for.
 Giovanni33
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 89
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 2/22/2012 3:49:25 PM
The girls have the spark requirement may just be addicted to the infatuation stage and confuse that with love, or not realize or be able to make that transition. It can be sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between infatuation and love. This is especially true at the beginning of a relationship. It is easy to think that you have found true love as the intensity of infatuation takes over your life. Love, however, rarely comes on suddenly. It is a slow, gradual process that can only happen after the rush of infatuation starts to ebb. But when the spark doesn't last (as it never really does) the girl then wants to move on, as she thinks she has lost it. This means relationships will rarely last more than a couple of months (lengths of fireworks stage vary). This is different than just being attracted to her person, having good sex, and having lust. You can have all these things, but that "spark" they feel is not going to be constant, and it is going to fade, go out, and wear out--and then you deal with the real person, and develop a real relationship based on something deeper, that takes more work--love. The problem is that it lacks the easy "spark" and so some women will leave to seek it again with someone else who can sustain that again. I'll elaborate more.

Of course we all love to be in l0ve--or rather be infatuated. Infatuation describes the intense range of feelings present at the beginning of most relationships; sweaty palms, rapidly beating heart, butterflies in the stomach. The world is a better, more beautiful place because object of your affection is with you. Every time you touch is thrilling, you remember every conversation, and your thoughts revolve around them. In more common terms, this is a crush. Crushes are a very real, normal part of human life. Everyone experiences at least one crush at some point or another in their lives.

Infatuation is caused by a chemical reaction in the body. The hormones released accounts for some of the feelings of elation. In truth, you are "high" on dopamine. This is an important evolutionary response to meeting a potential future mate. These hormones assure that two people will spend enough time together to possibly produce children, thus ensuring the survival of the species.

Love, on the other hand, is a calmer, more mature feeling. It is a sense of stability. Love is still exciting, at times. It can change day-to-day. Love takes work. The feelings are not supported by the highs of hormones, but by a shared love and respect for each other. Love is what exists after infatuation fades, if you are lucky.

Infatuation and love are different in many ways. While both result in pleasant feelings, the feeling of infatuation is more intense than the feeling of love. Love may not be as intense, but it is usually a much deeper emotion. Relationships that start as infatuation can mature into love.

One of the biggest differences between infatuation and love is how long each can last for. Infatuation can last, at most, several months before it starts to fade. Love, on the other hand, is capable of lasting fifty years or more, if both people in the relationship work for it. Infatuation is almost effortless. Anything put into the relationship is because you want to. Everything you do for the other person brings great pleasure for you, too. This isn’t always the case in love. You do things that you don’t want to do, things that you will get no pleasure from, because it is the fair thing to do. Love is about compromise.

Infatuation and love are both different in the amount of unpleasant tension that is part of the relationship some days. Infatuation discourages any real disagreements from taking place. You both are on your best behavior during all the time you spend together. Anything that could cause a discrepancy to the idea of a perfect relationship is avoided. Everything is perfect, and no one wants to mess that up.

Love allows people to be who they really are. While arguments aren’t encouraged, they happen. Sometimes they happen a lot, especially in times of stress. Love is admitting that your partner has faults, and so do you, but that is okay. You have realistic expectations of each other. Love is accepting.

Infatuation and love are two separate emotions, and there are many differences between them. They are, however, similar in some ways. Infatuation is like a shiny new pair of dress shoes, where as love is the comfy old sneakers you’ve had for years. Infatuation is fun, while it lasts. Eventually, though, the night out ends, and you slip into the sneakers that fit perfectly, even if they are starting to give at the seams and the tread is worn out. This is what happens in relationships. As the brilliance of infatuation fades, couples move into a contented place where, even if there are problems, they know they can depend on one another to provide the love and support they need. That is the difference between infatuation and love.
 astrosky
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 90
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 2/22/2012 5:36:13 PM
No spark/chemistry is genderless code for "Yes I do, but not with YOU".
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