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 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 116
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 4 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

You profile reads like it was written by a mad scientist.


Yeah, and that's more or less what I am, so they better take it or leave it. Anyway, I don't care about on here. I want to get better in real life.
 Maverick325
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 117
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/14/2012 8:35:04 PM

That is your main problem right there. Thinking you have to change and improve yourself. Why waste time on a woman who doesn't appreciate who you are? You need to start being more selective, become indifferent to rejection, and find a woman who lives up to your standards. Not the other way around.


I'm already way too selective, and that's the main reason why I can't find anyone. I am indifferent to rejection. What I am not indifferent to is the near-impossibility of finding someone. The feeling that my odds of success, not with one woman, but with one who meets my standards at all are about the same as winning the lottery.

If I don't improve at it, I guarantee you, I WILL be single for life, or at least until I am very old. If I can't improve AT the dates, I at least need to be able to get more of them. At the current rate of getting dates and the success rate at them, it's almost hopeless.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 118
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 11:05:15 AM
Not sure why this thread came back to life after 2 years...but...
"No spark./chemistry" is a way for a woman to try and gently say "I don't want anything with you".

This doesn't mean that you as a man are somehow defective, or that she as a woman is somehow defective.
This is a woman being ethical and honest. Otherwise, would you have her just string you along to get attention. get her ego stroked, to go out on dates?
Sorry, but there IS a matter-maybe not all guys feel it!-of feeling a genuine connection with a guy, and it is generally a combination of various factors. It's not just all about one thing( looks- or money- or being a nice guy. Yes there is an element of physical attraction, but there also has to be an emotional resonance.)

Like I said, be glad when a woman is honest with you. She COULD. after all, just string you along for quite awhile, while she collects attention, ego strokes and fun times, and if she plays her cards right, she could probably do it without giving you what YOU really want...
Cindy O
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 119
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 12:09:41 PM
No spark. No muffen. No twinkly.

And I don't see anything wrong with that. In fact, I prefer it when there's a spark. But it's okay when it's not.

Before I went out with my girlfriend, I had a date with this tall blond with an incredible face and body. She was smart, articulate, made good money, dressed to the teeth. She was the head of human resources for some major company, yet even though we had a good time, there was no spark. NONE. NADA. Zilch.

Then I go out with the girl that became my girlfriend. She was very attractive but did not look like a 10 on that date. Maybe because it was really cold, or that she wore very little make up, or I was mentally comparing with the other one. Still, we enjoyed our company and time. There was a TON of chemistry that went beyond the pure physical. Then I invited her to have lunch a couple of days later. At lunch the temperature was warmer and I could see that the blue jeans she wore were incredibly super hot and she had a body that was even better than the other girl. We did the kiss, kiss and left. In my car, I could not help but imagine making love to her. Then before I got to the office she called me and asked me is I wanted to have a drink with her THAT same night. I said yes. Again the chemistry, the spark was simply out of this world intense.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 120
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 12:39:58 PM
I've been on the receiving end of the "I feel no spark" thing. On the first date. He said it at the end of a great date. We had alot of fun, loads of great conversation but..that's all it was. He did not want to have sex with me. He wasnt attracted to me.

So, you move on.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 121
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 12:52:57 PM
No... No spark / chemistry is just the dating version of "I was busy".

It's just another cop-out line that girls like to use instead of actually addressing the issue... Because they know that the actual reason is going to make them sound VERY shallow. "No chemistry" can kind of push the blame off of themselves. There wasn't no chemistry, she just didn't think you had a manly enough voice, or something else equally stupid.

Maybe, eventually, it'll sink in that they're in no way clever and we get these same lines so much that we immediately see right through them.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 122
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 12:56:55 PM
Agreed - a woman who says she feels no spark/chemistry likely just doesn't see you as a desired sexual option. For whatever reason.

For me, it often (not always) takes longer than a couple dates to feel sexual attraction towards someone. So, I've yeah, I've offered the 'no chemistry' statement when a guy clearly is feeling it for me. Not saying there is anything wrong with a man feeling that way sooner (as some forum posters have noted, some men don't require a whole lot more than 'I like how she looks' to view a woman as a sexual option). But when the talk turns sexual and I'm not at that point? For me, it's a pretty big turn off and a reason to end things.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 123
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 2:13:56 PM
Men who claim that only women have the spark/chemistry/connection criteria are either delusional or lying. Men reject women they're not into all the time, and it's happened to me too. No harm no foul, but I'd like to know and not be strung along. If I don't feel the spark with a guy I will let him know and move on. I don't string people along. I met a guy last year who was perfect on paper - attractive, triathlete, an Army ranger, my age, in incredible shape, already had kids and not looking for more, and VERY interested in me and a relationship. He would have married me within weeks had I stayed with him.....BUT....I felt NO spark towards him at all. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. Kissed him and cringed inside. Even had sex with him twice just to really "give it a chance", but no, I felt repulsed afterwards and I had to stop it then. He was butt hurt, but that's just how life is. I was mad at myself for letting a good man go away, but what was I supposed to do, fake it till I make it? How unfair is that towards him? So be glad when a woman tells you right away that they're just not feeling it.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 124
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 2:27:32 PM

Zilch. Nada. Nothing.


Karma, your stealing my lines. I dare you do that!!! Heheheh. (Kidding)

This is sad but true. To me it's more important to be honest to that feeling. With my previous gf, things grew but there was a point where that magnetism died. Or really, it never really became a bolt of lighting, just a Triple A battery.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 125
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 5:57:30 PM
dgcadiz, I assume you date women you are not at all attracted to, because you care about HER, your feelings be damned, correct? So how come you are still single? Any woman who likes the same things you do should be good enough then, right?

BTW, I was married for 20 years. That should show that I don't leave as soon as the spark leaves. But without the spark, I might as well just get a room mate for companionship.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 126
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 8:05:18 PM
WHen I first met my husband, I did not have all that much chemistry with him, but I also had an agenda - I wanted to be in a relationship no matter what, so any attractive nice guy with a job was fine with me then. And I guess the guys who complain about that spark thing are fine with being just that for a woman. I don't know, but I'd rather be with someone who knocks me off my feet and gives me butterflies, not a wallet and room mate. And I can tell from experience now that if I don't have that feeling right away, it's not going to magically appear later.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 127
view profile
History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 10/31/2014 10:45:49 PM
I've been asked out by hundreds of guys over the decades. So many of them were wonderful and would make a great partner for some woman....however, not for me. I've been in love just 3 times. Felt the chemistry flow over me just 3 times.

I'm not a robot that can fall in love with a man because he meets some checklist. If that was the reality, I'd be falling in love once a week. Why do we feel a chemistry, spark, rush or whatever? No idea. Not sure why the stars align the way they do.

All the wonderful people in the world do not fall in love with all the other wonderful people in the world. Don't feel down or rejected if a woman doesn't have feelings for you. There's no way of understanding what variables set off a particular person's attraction to another.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 128
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 8:14:57 AM
WHen I first met my husband, I did not have all that much chemistry with him, but I also had an agenda - I wanted to be in a relationship no matter what, so any attractive nice guy with a job was fine with me then. And I guess the guys who complain about that spark thing are fine with being just that for a woman. I don't know, but I'd rather be with someone who knocks me off my feet and gives me butterflies, not a wallet and room mate. And I can tell from experience now that if I don't have that feeling right away, it's not going to magically appear later.


I rarely felt instant chemistry on a first date / meeting. That's often because we were virtual strangers or at least one person was a little bit nervous or shy at first. Provided that there was some physical attraction and no obvious dealbreakers, I would consider going out on a second date. That doesn't mean I want to marry or have a LTR with the other person. Just that I would give it more time for the chemistry to develop.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 129
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 8:39:46 AM
Chemistry, crush, sparks, butterflies, tingles, it's all code for one thing - love level. Most women want to fall in love with a man (men too, whether they realize it or not). In most cases, women need to feel some beginning level of love for a man within minutes of meeting him to want to date him... and many women know this. Love has to start someplace.

That said, you don't need a super high level of love, love at first sight, so to speak, right out of the gate... but that sometimes happens too.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 130
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 9:17:47 AM
I clearly remember many of my son's friends from his high school years. From his Junior year, his best friend, was a girl. I thought she was cute, smart, and I really liked her. It wasn't until the summer before their senior year that they actually began dating. By Christmas time he told me, he thought SHE was the prettiest girl he had ever known. They were married 5 years later, after college.

Copied from my daughter-in-law's Facebook page, this past week."13 years ago today...many kids and many moves later, I am so blessed to be on this journey with (my son's name)".

Not once, have I heard either of them mention the words, "sparks or chemistry".

From my initial attraction to my first husband, to 10 years later, I learned a VERY difficult lesson. That so called, "chemistry", "I was so in love", was actually a very unhealthy reaction/feeling of connection. I was attracted to/emotionally drawn to, a man identical to my father. My father was abusive and so was my husband. I un·con·scious·ly sought to "fix the past". "Right the wrong".
When I left the marriage, I had to change ME! I had to unlearn the unhealthy reasons for feeling THAT kind of "chemistry".
Over the years, I have changed in many ways. I know exactly what I do or do not want in a relationship. I no longer seek or tolerate anything less than complete respect, and my opinion of so called, "Sparks or Chemistry"? MEH!
 middle14
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 131
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 10:33:54 AM
It can mean a lot of different things. Depending on the woman and the circumstances of the date(s). No physical attraction, boring personality, not enough in common, he is a jerk etc. Having said that, I don't need to feel an immediate connection. I have been relationships when there wasn't a connection or a spark until the 2nd or 3rd date.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 132
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 10:42:32 AM
For me, and I suspect a lot of other people, there are cases where you know right away that it ain't never gonna happen, and also cases where it's a "maybe" but there's enough there to continue seeing the person with AN OPEN MIND-to see if that connection develops.
There are, I'm sure, cases where one or both of the 2 people are determined to MAKE chemistry happen or just hang on forever if it doesn't because the goal is to be paired up.
And yes, there are cases of rapid and intense chemistry, a relationship comes about-an unsound one!-and somebody gets their ass in a sling, one way or another.
I'm sorry, if people just paired up based on proximity, a checklist, and because "it just makes sense" there would be a lot of couples who are alone together pretending to be a real couple/real family.
Why do you think that so many marriages end after the kids are out of the house(or nearly so)? It's because one of the 2 people in the marriage was there to "give(him or her) a chance", or because "it made sense". Or, it was just-for whatever reason!-IMPERATIVE that one or both of the 2 people step into full-fledged adult life and couldn't figure out how to do that other than getting married.

But we could sit here and explain it over and over again-there just is a sector of the male populace, who don't want to hear that any woman they want isn't available just for the asking. So they will try to make women out as creatures of defective mind.
Sorry, guys.
When a woman says "no spark/chemistry"- there is no "women code word"-she knows she doesn't want YOU.

You are of course free to believe whatever you want and spin this in any direction you want-and maybe some women who are of shaky self-awareness and self-esteem will buy into it for a little while.
So you can have a "relationship" that bumps along until she just can't stand it anymore and says "we are over". Think how much that will absolutely SUCK if you've been together for a number of years and have a collection of assets, debts and rug rats.
Yup. Keep up the verbal browbeating, guys. Someday you will be back in some dating site as an angry damaged divorced guy looking to date for vengeance against the entire female gender.
Cindy O
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 133
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 11:31:59 AM

There's no way of understanding what variables set off a particular person's attraction to another.


Or why they later disappear? Leading to a near 50% divorce rate, or whatever it really is?
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 134
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 11:40:26 AM
CindyO said it perfectly as always. Completely agree to every word. Take note guys, unless you are fine that a woman who has no "chemistry" with you stays with you, uses you as a human wallet and sperm donor, and then dumps you when your duty is done and eventually finds a guy who REALLY gets her engine going.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 135
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 12:39:28 PM
I completely and utterly agree, Ladyinred; beautifully rendered. And true.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 136
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 12:56:59 PM

I clearly remember many of my son's friends from his high school years. From his Junior year, his best friend, was a girl. I thought she was cute, smart, and I really liked her. It wasn't until the summer before their senior year that they actually began dating. By Christmas time he told me, he thought SHE was the prettiest girl he had ever known. They were married 5 years later, after college.

Copied from my daughter-in-law's Facebook page, this past week."13 years ago today...many kids and many moves later, I am so blessed to be on this journey with (my son's name)".

Not once, have I heard either of them mention the words, "sparks or chemistry".

From my initial attraction to my first husband, to 10 years later, I learned a VERY difficult lesson. That so called, "chemistry", "I was so in love", was actually a very unhealthy reaction/feeling of connection. I was attracted to/emotionally drawn to, a man identical to my father. My father was abusive and so was my husband. I un·con·scious·ly sought to "fix the past". "Right the wrong".
When I left the marriage, I had to change ME! I had to unlearn the unhealthy reasons for feeling THAT kind of "chemistry".
Over the years, I have changed in many ways. I know exactly what I do or do not want in a relationship. I no longer seek or tolerate anything less than complete respect, and my opinion of so called, "Sparks or Chemistry"? MEH!

I love the story, I am sorry you went thru that.
I had a friend who did online & she used to say "Chemistry is what they teach in the science lab in High School"!
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 137
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 1:17:36 PM
I guess men who think the spark/chemistry/connection thing is "crap" just need to go out with the ladies that feel the same way. There seem to be quite a few here that don't need/believe in the chemistry thing, so it's all good. You just need to find each other and everybody is happy.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 138
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 1:43:32 PM

I guess men who think the spark/chemistry/connection thing is "crap" just need to go out with the ladies that feel the same way. There seem to be quite a few here that don't need/believe in the chemistry thing, so it's all good. You just need to find each other and everybody is happy.


Never stated I don't need chemistry in a long term relationship. However I ( and others ) don't need instant chemistry on a first date / meeting because of reasons I had mentioned before. There is a difference.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 139
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 2:03:49 PM
Back when I was doing OLD, there were different levels of chemistry when I met someone, as in IRL.

I'd meet a "maybe" who I liked & they became a "yes".
I'd meet a "yes", who was mean, they became "NO!" asap.

It varied each time. The attraction was either amplified or dialed down based on their persona & character.
 Lyonus
Joined: 9/24/2014
Msg: 140
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/1/2014 10:52:35 PM
I have to say, LadyInRed-I wish my ex-girlfriend thought the way you do. Not much more to say on that, but I'm glad to see that there are still people out there who make sense. Ladies-when you've got a great guy, do hold on to him. We don't happen everyday, and unfortunately, that's why a lot of us (men and women) are on dating sites like this. We don't appreciate the things we've got and hold on to foolish adolescent notions of "soul mates" and other such nonsense. This is real life-not the movies. You can't just throw good people away and expect the next (or the previous) to be just as great. That's a BIG gamble-and chances are, you can end up empty-handed. Is that better? A lot of women say "I love being single!" Well, I challenge you-if that is true, then what are you doing here?
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