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 Lyonus
Joined: 9/24/2014
Msg: 141
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 5 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
Furthermore, for those members who have been here for almost a year (or several)-how is that "spark" thing working foe you? My sister was married once to a guy she felt this "spark" for. He used to get drunk and beat her every night. She grew up after that, and knows just as well as I do, that this is all foolishness.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 142
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/2/2014 1:29:34 AM
Lyonus, I can only speak for myself, but I've experienced the spark/instant chemistry several times and for me, there is no going back to "vanilla". I'd rather be alone. What is the point to try to be with someone you have no passion for? Maybe it's OK for younger women who just want to get married and have kids, and just need A guy to do the job. I have several colleagues who are in their late 20s/early 30s who went on dating sites and got married within months. Tag you're it, that's what it seems like to me. And they had kids as soon as the honeymoon was over. They were on a mission to find A husband and have kids. I don't want that. I already have kids, had a 20 year marriage, and now I want someone I'm REALLY crazy about. So it didn't work out with the guys I had the spark with, but like I said, unless I find someone who makes my spine tingle again, I'd much rather be single. I could not tolerate for one second being with someone who I feel lukewarm about.

My sister never got married and didn't have sex for 10 years until her death three years ago. Because she couldn't find someone who she was into enough. She was a beautiful, tall blond woman with the most piercing blue eyes, and could have easily found someone who would be with her, but she was like I am now - chemistry, passion or nothing at all, thank you very much.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 143
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/2/2014 3:49:50 AM

That's the problem. What do you mean by right away? On the first week? First day? On the first date? On the first second??!!

First few minutes - to first day. It's lust, IMO - there has to be a physical interest, attraction, interest in being NEAR that person. Mannerisms, attractiveness (to you), all of that has to be there so that you want to know what ELSE is there.

My experience tells me that many girls expect the spark on the first date at the very latest. That's insanity. Don't you think that having a tremendous rush of feelings for someone you don't know is no indicative of anything about that person and has everything to do with you and you personal circumstances?

Hogwash. Pheromones either work for you or they don't. If it's mutual, that's spark. Being in the same room for about 10 minutes is all it takes to know if physical spark is there.

According to some statistics from some university (I have the source but I can't be arsed looking for it), only 12% of relationships started as "love at first sight" aka sparks or whatever. 88% developed over time or began as friends.
We equate spark=feeling=love, and therefore no spark=no feeling=no love so, what's the point of hanging around, right?

I'm sure those were people who had enough physical attraction to go with the friendship that developed.

We believe that the intensity of the feeling is an indicative of how much we love. Maybe it's not, maybe it's just an indicative of how lonely we feel by being alone/single.

Who is "we"? If we don't ever feel alone or lonely when single, we are then more objective about who we choose to date. If someone isn't physically appealing to us, why do we continue? Also, if they are but not much else, why continue? IMO, people will ignore lack of chemistry and attraction if they can't stand to be alone.

Why are the guys complaining about this single? If instant chemistry is a myth, most of you would have just dated the first woman you met who liked you regardless of your interest in them. It eventually happens based on your mindset, right?

dgcadiz, I assume you date women you are not at all attracted to, because you care about HER, your feelings be damned, correct? So how come you are still single? Any woman who likes the same things you do should be good enough then, right?

Exactly! Pfft.

Chemistry, crush, sparks, butterflies, tingles, it's all code for one thing - love level. Most women want to fall in love with a man (men too, whether they realize it or not). In most cases, women need to feel some beginning level of love for a man within minutes of meeting him to want to date him... and many women know this. Love has to start someplace.

That said, you don't need a super high level of love, love at first sight, so to speak, right out of the gate... but that sometimes happens too.

That sounds like something John Gray or Delilah would say. In the first 15 minutes to hour it's about how the other person looks, talks, walks, smells - it's the physical assessment that starts things off. Maybe because men would sleep with a woman he's not all that attracted to it's hard to understand - but the combination of the physical attributes for MOST women (not all) is what they are labeling "chemistry". I'll say "lust level" maybe...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 144
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/2/2014 4:39:24 AM

I already have kids, had a 20 year marriage, and now I want someone I'm REALLY crazy about. So it didn't work out with the guys I had the spark with, but like I said, unless I find someone who makes my spine tingle again, I'd much rather be single.


When you met your ex, were you really crazy about him and did he make your spine tingle? How did that turn out? How do you know that the next perfect man you meet won't end up the same way? If you had the magical, fairy tale spark with other guys, but none of them turned out to be the One, what's the common denominator? It sounds like no man will ever be perfect enough for you. Good luck on your quest of trying to find the most perfect man on the planet.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 145
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/2/2014 4:49:04 AM
WHen I first met my husband, I did not have all that much chemistry with him, but I also had an agenda - I wanted to be in a relationship no matter what, so any attractive nice guy with a job was fine with me then. And I guess the guys who complain about that spark thing are fine with being just that for a woman. I don't know, but I'd rather be with someone who knocks me off my feet and gives me butterflies, not a wallet and room mate. And I can tell from experience now that if I don't have that feeling right away, it's not going to magically appear later.


I've heard several dates comment that their marriages didn't work because, in the end, there never was a spark to begin with and he was just a friend to her.

Seems unique to the Venus side of the fence. I don't hear any guys saying they married someone they never had chemistry with...

Oh, that's right...the guys married for the spark only and forgot to stay friends later on:)
 phinatic14
Joined: 5/10/2013
Msg: 146
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/7/2014 12:55:05 PM
Actually, the non-existence of the precious spark/chemistry is just a nice way of them saying you can't give me what I want, so you're only a friend. Ever hear of instant gratification? In a nutshell it means "I want what I want and I want it now". Children are supposed to outgrow it by mid-childhood. That's the way I look at it. Dating in the age of instant gratification is a recipe for failure. People are so quick to judge people it makes me sick. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't have a problem doing a little work. Not saying this is all on women; not at all. You have to ask yourself though: why are the seriously attractive on sites like this. Maybe it's true they really don't have time to go out. Maybe they're here because nobody can give them what they want right away. Honestly I have come to one conclusion: dating isn't worth it these days. Improve your life and let any man or women who needs that instant "spark/chemistry" to pass up great people looking for it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 147
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/7/2014 1:17:20 PM

Exactly, physical interest or "I want to sleep with you right NOW", that's all that it is, because it can't be any other thing.

OK so you get the idea.

What I meant to say with those questions is...when do you draw the line to decide if there is chemistry or not?

I don't call attraction"chemistry" so that's a complicated question. Attraction? First few minutes. Chemistry? It builds from there or not - I'd give that two dates, but the second one is generally just done for good measure. Chemistry to me is more about how we get along, talk, relate.

The first seconds? The first day? The first week? If you don't feel chemistry the first minutes but you do on the second date...is that chemistry?

Nope, it isn't.

Doesn't it sound a bit...ludicrous? And you are missing a key piece...attraction doesn't depend only on the other person. It depends on your circumstances and situations you find yourself in.

Not with me it doesn't. Physical attraction is either there or not regardless of circumstances. Those may add to or take away from the path things take from there - but pure animal attraction is either there or not.

Well, first, it doesn't have to be mutual. And second, it doesn't work like that, at least for me. My ex gf dressed up with jeans and t-shirt on the first date. No chemistry at all. On the second date she wore an amazingly beautiful dress. Chemistry everywhere. That's all it takes.

I can't have a spark with someone who has no interest in me - generally it's felt on both sides otherwise it's not relevant. To me chemistry is what's discovered after attraction. I have found someone attractive that wasn't interested in me - that's one sided and goes nowhere (unless you're the type that thinks it can be changed). I was attracted to my ex regardless of what he wore - though sometimes I was blown away, he still was who he was. From first date.

What I meant to say is that some people think the intensity of the feeling is a sign of the intensity of their love. They take the intensity of the infatuation, this being "crazy" about each other, for proof of the intensity of their love, while it may only prove the degree of their preceding loneliness.

I can't speak for that - I'm not lonely very often so I don't project that into anything. I recognize infatuation and being crazy for someone but don't equate that to love or level of it. I guess someone who has can address that.

Because we just have a good time with that person. Because he or she is intellectually challenging. Because you share some interests. Because he is funny. Because you think you can learn something from that person. Because it's simply enjoyable to spend time with. For a myriad of reasons.

Then to me that's a good friendship - if I'm to ever date that person (and it includes any kind of physical romantic activity) then the physical appeal has to be there.

Damn, and then we hear women saying that men only want sex....

I don't only want sex, but it has to be part of the deal for me if I am going to call it dating, relationship, involvement, etc.

h no. If she's a b.itch I won't date her. But to know if she is a b.itch or not I have to spend TIME with that person. More than one date. There has to be some spark I guess...AT SOME POINT. Since the moment you met her onwards. It may happen on the first date...or the first year. I can't control the spark, can you?

You have dated someone for weeks before knowing if you have any physical interest in her as far as mannerisms, facial features, body, walk, talk, etc? You have dated every woman who's ever shown interest in you no matter what unless she's got a bad attitude?

The problem is that some people are so fu.cking obsessed with the spark and chemistry, that if they don't feel it on the first millisecond of the date...then why continue?

When it comes to physical attraction and/or rapport, yes. Why does this bother you?
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 148
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/7/2014 5:51:45 PM

Then to me that's a good friendship - if I'm to ever date that person (and it includes any kind of physical romantic activity) then the physical appeal has to be there.


What are you looking for, though? If you're just looking to date and have fun, yeah, that physical attraction can be important... But if you're looking for your future husband, shouldn't him being able to become your "best friend" be the #1 requirement?!?!?!?!?!?!???!?

Sex is only a small part of the relationship, there's still a ton more that has to go into it. Remember, one week of the month, you're not too into the idea of sex... Then what are you two gonna do?

It depends on what you're looking for, and how honest with yourself you're willing to be about what you're looking for. If you're looking for the person you're going to stick with for life, most people are going to look beyond the physical appearance, and find their companion, not their permanent sex partner. You're not looking for looks because you think it'll make him a good father, you're looking for looks for sex. That's every one of us. There is no other reason for looks to matter (unless you're that shallow that you're using the other person as a status symbol).
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 149
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/7/2014 8:59:26 PM

What are you looking for, though? If you're just looking to date and have fun, yeah, that physical attraction can be important... But if you're looking for your future husband, shouldn't him being able to become your "best friend" be the #1 requirement?!?!?!?!?!?!???!?

First of all I don't "look". I live life - if I run into someone I find interesting I go with it. I have no desire to get married or live with someone - that may change but it's not a goal for me - never was.

WHY when I say physical attraction has to be there do people think I mean I ONLY want physical attraction - OF COURSE there has to be more beyond that. In no way did I ever say that was the only thing I went for with no regard to anything else. But I am not trading attraction for companionship - I see no reason there can't be both. I have had it, more than once so I know it's possible.

YES - personality is a big part of it - but in order to know and like the personality I first have to like what I see. Plain and simple. If I meet a drop dead gorgeous guy with a crappy attitude I'm not going to continue, but the guy I don't want to sleep with who's got the great personality won't be someone I date. Sorry.

Sex is only a small part of the relationship, there's still a ton more that has to go into it. Remember, one week of the month, you're not too into the idea of sex... Then what are you two gonna do?

Who's not into sex one week of the month? Do you have the wrong forum poster? I'm good to go all month long. Every month. Obviously there's more to the relationship than just sex - again WHERE am I saying that's the only thing I have to have as a trait? Please reread my post and tell me where I said anything like that.

It depends on what you're looking for, and how honest with yourself you're willing to be about what you're looking for.

I can't relate to this because I truly don't actively seek - almost all of my relationships have happened by accident by me meeting someone while doing something else.

If you're looking for the person you're going to stick with for life, most people are going to look beyond the physical appearance, and find their companion, not their permanent sex partner.

I guarantee you no one is going to go for someone they have no attraction to. Once you have the attraction you CAN look for other qualities you know. People can have more than one dimension - I've seen it. And once again I don't look - and "for life" is subjective.

You're not looking for looks because you think it'll make him a good father, you're looking for looks for sex.

What else would I be looking for attraction for? I want to enjoy looking at him. P.S. "Looks" and "attraction" are different things. Do you want women to date you that really don't like looking at you or want to sleep with you? Do you have any desire to be wanted by the woman you date?

That's every one of us. There is no other reason for looks to matter (unless you're that shallow that you're using the other person as a status symbol).

I still don't get your point here. Attraction matters because we want to enjoy looking at/sleeping with/kissing the person we're with. So what?
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 150
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/7/2014 9:11:00 PM
A 20 year marriage is hardly a failure after all. The spark doesn't last but most of us want it, at least at the beginning. It is only the guys that cant provoke that chemistry in a woman who complain about women wanting it and not wanting to settle for Mr All Right rather than Mr Right. It is not about perfection, just connection.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 151
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/8/2014 9:01:52 AM

Sorry, womaninprogress, but I got lost in the definitions and differences between chemistry, physical attraction, spark, infatuation...I'm not going to go into the semantics and all that.

You don't have to - but that's where the breakdown is at least in my experience. Suit yourself if you don't understand it though.

I'll just say that no, physical attraction or chemistry doesn't have to be there from the first second (or millisecond, for many people).

We agree on this. I never said it did. I will however say that within the first few minutes it does - for me.

Hell, some people expect chemistry or spark even before meeting that person, based merely on their profile. For them, the spark IS the reason to meet that person in the first place.

Yeah, I have no idea how that works or how people can do it that way - I can't determine any attraction or lack of it if I don't meet someone in person.

I said it before, nearly 88% of all relationships start as friends.

And...? Are you saying that if you are attracted you can't build a friendship as well? Is it one or the other for you? That would suck if it were that way for me. I can and have had both.

Many succesful marriages, from Paul Newman's to Will Smith's to David Beckman's say the same thing: that physical attraction wears off over time and the marriage becomes more like a very strong and special friendship.

This doesn't argue anything I've said. Sure it wears off - but it has to be there to begin with. I don't dispute any of this.

The info is out there, I am not making stuff up. And I'm sure many people know what I'm talking about: you know someone from years, circumstances change and one day you start seeing that person with different eyes. Suddenly he becomes relationship material, attraction arises and lo and behold...a romantic relationship is formed. YES, there has to be physical attraction, but it doesn't have to be there at the first millisecond of meeting that person.

Again, I never said it did. I said it did have to be there initially - but not in the first second. Half hour, maybe.

For a while, yes. As I said, if I judged people merely on looks or physical attraction without knowing them first I wouldn't have had a relationship with my ex girlfriend.

Know them first, know them second - doesn't matter. The important thing is that you learn who they are at some point.

I am more than my looks or physical image and I want to be appreciated for more than that.

Who said you wouldn't be - or that anyone else won't be?

And I want people to spend the necessary time with me to to appreciate me for more than how hot I am (which is a lot, hahah). Don't you want that? Then why not start that attitude with yourself? You can't reasonably expect someone to do something you are not willing to do yourself in the first place.

What are you talking about? Who's not taking the time?

I have dated people who were stunning image-wise who turned out to be complete idiots and people I wasn't madly attracted to at first but time flied when I was with them. It is simply not as easy as saying "Physical attraction by the second date and chemistry by the third."

I don't dispute any of this either. I said (lemme put it in bold - maybe that will help) once I determine attraction I then look beyond that to see WHAT ELSE is there. If nothing else is I don't continue. What part of that isn't getting across to you?

That is exactly the mindset that I detest. Now is the man's responsibility to make things happen. The one who has to provoke stuff. The woman is there just to reap the benefits...

OK I get it now you have a reading comprehension problem - what you're getting from what was said isn't what I got from it. I took that to mean "a man who she's not attracted to or doesn't have chemistry with" as opposed to the man actually setting out to create chemistry - which of course can't be created - it's either there or it isn't.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 152
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/9/2014 12:12:30 PM
Anybody see that Debbie Downer skit on SNL?
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 153
view profile
History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/9/2014 2:39:13 PM
McKinley

Well stated above.

One needs the spark...who knows why it goes off? Then the emotional bonding...whatever that means for each of us. Some type of socio biology that's shaped human evolution for thousands of years. We pair off as a species but are selective with whom we pair off with.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 154
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/9/2014 3:21:18 PM

One needs the spark...who knows why it goes off? Then the emotional bonding.


For the spark worshipers, there's a secret ingredient nobody mentions, even though it's a key ingredient. The key to sparking is the other person has to feel exactly the same way, and has the same level of spark at the same time. Otherwise, what's the point of spark if the other person isn't feeling it? If you have the spark, you can't talk someone into getting the spark as well it they're not feeling it. What do you do when that happens? Do you instantly drop the person and kick them to the curb, and continue searching for a spark mate-someone who will have the spark at the exact same micro-second you get the spark? Did your parents ever tell you that the reason they hooked up is because they both had the instant spark at the exact same second the first time they met?
 middle14
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 155
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/9/2014 3:22:49 PM
I think the initial spark is everything....I would disagree, it's either there or it isn't


I wouldn't have dated some of my previous boyfriends if I had made a decision based on initial sparks on the first date. The sparks or connection wasn't there until the second or third date. Plus the reverse scenario has also happened to me. I had initial sparks with other men on the first date and it quickly disappeared by the second or third date. At least in my experience, initial sparks hasn't been a general indicator of anything.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 156
view profile
History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/10/2014 2:32:36 AM
I think Mckinley... has it just about right....

I say "just about" because I HAVE actually experienced a friendship with a guy that three years AFTER we had started to be friends, I sort of "saw" him in a whole different light...No big "revelation", no "he saved a puppy from a burning building" type of "sudden infatuation"....
We were just sitting in my house one day as we had SO many times before and were yakking away and all of a sudden I just kind of saw him differently....Let me be clear here when I say that I had NO attraction to this person AT all before then.
It was pretty brief, a few days at most, but he picked up on it and asked me about it, and when I told him, and he said that he didn't feel the same way, that was the end of that and we went back to being friends, as we had been.
It happened AGAIN about 3 years after that incident that HE was the one with "feelings"more than friendship for ME...but,same thing happened....only by that time I just wasn't "there"...
I also think that WIP is right...
There HAS to be an attraction, when DATING, to at least get me to want to explore things further and see if we have that "chemistry", as in speak the same emotional language, have similar values, etc. Because, as much as I'd like to take the time and be friends first,this IS a dating site and I don't think that it's unreasonable for people to move on if they aren't attracted to someone.

For myself that DOESN'T mean that the guy has to look like Brad Pitt....have millions of dollars, or take me to a high-price fancy restaurant, for an attraction to be there....
I think I've mentioned enough times about my beliefs about a person's looks....I have dated and had relationships with a wide variety of men, really thin,fat, tall, short,hair,no hair, etc.
I don't have a "type" per se...There just has to be SOME kind of attraction there on a first date, for me to continue....

If he's "pretty" and has NOTHING to say and/or zero personality, then it's not even going into a one-night stand...Not that I have a LOT of those any way!!!LOL
I MUST be with a guy who can stimulate me intellectually and a good sense of humour doesn't hurt either, as in being able to laugh at HIMSELF, as well as the absurdity of Life and the World....
That's a BASIC requirement for me.
Everything after that is negotiable....

Sometimes though it takes some time to see if my assessment of the person was accurate,or else I've started to see things beyond the "peacock feathers", which is why I've also had a few STR's....

It's NOT an exact science or anything, but I DO try and be honest and communicate all of this to a guy...
In fact there's one guy who has an insane schedule,like mine!, who I've talked to a couple of times on the phone for lengthy periods and I've already discussed with him that even IF we meet and don't have an attraction physically, we are both pretty certain there IS enough chemistry there to at least be friends.

I have also told men on a first date that I don't see it heading in that direction if there's no attraction there for me initially...mostly because their lack of personality, ability to communicate in person,etc. is lacking,as well. IF that were present, then I would move on to a second date, for sure.

Let's face it,the thing about OLD that I've personally noticed is that the men that I'm meeting have a reasonable expectation that when meeting and dating a woman that it will eventually lead to a sexual relationship....
Although I've met one or two, there are generally NOT a lot of men that are interested in "being friends" first and seeing where it goes, DESPITE whatever they say in their profiles to the contrary...and I'm SURE there are equally as many women, who feel the same,with the exception that women tend to think in the context of a relationship, even when what they may really just be needing is that physical contact with a man, physically and sexually.
Most women I've talked to feel that they need an emotional bond in order to have sex, whereas for men it seems to be the opposite, that physical bond CREATES the emotional one....
So all of that to say....I have never walked out on a date, or done something like walk up to them in a parking lot,take one look at them, (I still can't believe she did that!), and say "I'm not interested", etc.

We're all human beings here, far from perfect last I checked, lol,but I do try and remember that words can really hurt as can actions and so I try to be as honest as I can be, while keeping that in mind at ALL times....

We're also all grown ups here,not many who seem to be THAT clueless, and when I'm NOT attracted to someone, it's NOT because I think they are "unworthy"of me, or that they are a despicable human being....I just don't have that attraction for them, and no chemistry that COULD very well be attributed to something as simple as pheromones, but the reality is, it's not there for me and I don't think that I would want to be with someone who felt that ambivalent towards me, so why would I assume it would be any different for them?
I just can't take a rejection personally when the person has NO clue who I am....Or if they're not attracted to me physically....
It's all so superficial, I just can't take it to heart....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 157
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/10/2014 8:21:34 AM
The internet has created another type of spark and instant chemistry that affects a lot of people (IMO, mostly women, since men are more anxious to meet right away) that has become very common place. It's the Cyber-spark and cyber-instant chemistry. Two people will start messaging each other, and in many cases, one of the two starts to feel a spark and instant chemistry right away, even though they don't know if the other person is who they claim to be-it could be an 80 year old sitting in a nursing home, a kid, a married person, or a 400 pound person who created a fake profile with fake pictures, to mess with people's heads. And they will make excuses why they can't meet in person just yet.

Then when the countless daily messages start to fade to just a few or sporadically, and in many cases, stop all together, they will create a post here whining and crying about how they were played and how they are a helpless victim, wondering why the love of their life is fading or has faded away. They fell in love with a fantasy image and convinced themselves they found their soul mate for life, because the other person knew the game of saying all of the right things-tossing around compliments like beads at Mardi Gras-and it's just a matter of time before they meet in person to plan their wedding. The bigger problem is many of them become very bitter, jaded, and refuse to trust anybody from that point on, when they start to realize that fantasy and reality are two different things.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 158
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/10/2014 12:19:30 PM

Two people will start messaging each other, and in many cases, one of the two starts to feel a spark and instant chemistry right away, even though they don't know if the other person is who they claim to be


Easy does it. Have one rule. Meet within two weeks of initial contact. If you extend it any longer, more than likely you have this scenario.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 159
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 9:15:38 AM

Men expect sex right away, women expect "sparks" or "chemistry" right away. I guess it must be very confusing when a man you are dating suddenly walks away because he doesn't have sex straight away, right?

If he walked because he didn't have sex immediately, then we haven't known each other long - so why would this be confusing or upsetting? Whether he says so or not there's not much investment here to worry about.

I kind of expect sex fairly early as well - so for me this isn't likely to happen but if it does, then it does. I'll live!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 160
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 11:47:07 AM
I keep a violet wand which really helps to add spark to a relationship.
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 161
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 12:01:09 PM
I remember meeting a girl from POF before.

We both matched up the "meet me" I sent her a message, she sent one back. I asked her what she was up to and she responded that she wasn't doing anything and I told her the same, I suggested that we should just meet up somewhere and she suggested a bar downtown in a nearby town.

It was the fastest I've ever met someone from POF a good 10 minutes of the initial message. We met after initially walking passed each other which is understandable. She was a lot better looking in person than she was in photos, while I didn't tell her that, she told me that my photos didn't do me justice. Our date lasted an hour, we hit it off right away, we had similar senses of humor, similar interests, we flirted, I unusually a lot more chatty than I normally am on a first date because I was that relaxed. After the date was over, we promised each other we would hang out again and we made out in front of her car for a good 10 minutes while stating that we were going to leave.

We kept in contact and she invited me out with her and her friends, we had fun again and again we made out, that was one of the most fun nights I ever had during my stay in Oregon but anyway at least in my mind it was clear there was something there. Our 3rd date was our first "Official" one, we went to the movies, I was a bit more quiet than I was the last two dates and we didn't kiss as it seemed like she was distant. She later texted me if everything was OK and that she was worried that I didn't kiss her at the end of the date. I laughed and told her I had the same worry but everything was fine and I was slightly worried that she wasn't into me all that much. She said she was very much into me, I invited her over to my place when she proclaimed that she was bored. We watched a movie and by watch I meant we made out during the majority of it and had sex. She then made up an excuse that she had to go but kissed me goodbye. A few days later I texted her to check up. She replied back that she liked me but

"Hey I think we should stop seeing each other, I want to be friends but I feel we don't have chemistry. Romantically it's not there....sorry."

Me: OK.

Then I thought about it.

Me: So I'm confused, I thought we were getting along, that we liked each other.

Her: I do like you, I don't feel that spark there.

Me: Really? Because I thought there was something there.

Her: Well you're an awesome guy, you're funny, you're a cute guy. I think you'll be a great friend.

Me: Is this because we had sex and I'm bad in bed?

Her: No you're great in bed and you're a great kisser, I just don't feel anything. We don't have a connection.

Me: OK, well ok.

Her: Sorry don't be mad at me.

Me: I'm not, you're not that into me. It's OK, it happens. Way too much but it happens.

Chemistry I believe all too often is used as an excuse not to continue to see someone. I'm sure she thought long and hard when it came to telling me that and she thought

"**** it, no chemistry, that's as good as anything else."
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 162
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 12:14:52 PM
^^^

In this case you say you realized she wasn't that into you and that 'it happens', but am not sure how that is different than her saying 'no chemistry' (or in her case, connection).

Seems to me those are essentially the same thing?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 163
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 12:35:42 PM

No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want

No.
"no spark/chemistry" is plain English for "I don't want YOU."
Both genders use it.
for those who will cling onto someone they don't feel that sense of connection with, just to "be with someone", they only serve to muddy the waters.
Yes, if you as a person will form-or attempt to form-a relationship with anyone who doesn't laugh in your face or chase you away with a club, you will NOT understand the whole "spark/chemistry/connection" thing. We can only hope that either you encounter someone with whom the chemistry DOES occur, or that you find someone else so anxious to pair off that they also will shrug off the lack of connection.
Cindy O
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 164
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 12:43:07 PM
Lots of people might not know what they want, but most people know
what they don't want.

No spark or chemistry means they aren't feeling an attraction to you.
Some people think attraction can grow, others go with their first
impressions.

Myself, if I'm interested in a relationship, I have to have that spark or
chemistry...I have to really feel attracted to the guy.

I think it's possible people use the no spark/chemistry as an alternative
reason for rejecting someone, maybe they don't want to tell you the real
reason..like you creep them out...they find you physically unattractive,
the list is probably endless.

Whatever the reason or meaning, if someone wants to be with you, they
let you know and make an effort.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 165
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 11/11/2014 3:08:51 PM

"no spark/chemistry" is plain English for "I don't want YOU."
Both genders use it.


I don't know about both genders using it. I personally don't know any guys (myself included) who said they went on a date, and there was no spark and instant chemistry when they met the girl, so they knew it would never work out from the first millisecond. If they meet a woman who is smoking hot, it's pretty much guaranteed there will be sparks and instant chemistry. The sparks and instant chemistry could die out during the date or subsequent dates if the girl's personality is not as hot as her body. So for guys, it's usually a case of physical attraction being required first, and then mental attraction being required second-as opposed to women who think they have some super powers or sixth sense to know within a millisecond of meeting someone if there's sparks and instant chemistry or if the guy is a dud from the get-go, no matter what he looks like.
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