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 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 209
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I wantPage 7 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

this is exactly what confuses me with women , if they cant get spark from an attractive, charming , interesting guy well ...what else is there?


Well, the bad news for guys is…..women decide who is attractive, charming, and interesting.
 patchjoker13
Joined: 8/24/2014
Msg: 210
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/11/2015 11:14:14 PM
The problem is that people are not as good at judging the opposite sex as we think we are. It is true that men do the chasing and the women do the choosing. If you look at many female profiles you will see statements like "tired of cheaters, liars, players, losers...and so on". This is a reflection of both certain men and also the woman's ability to pick the right guys. What is also funny is that the general message from these women is that "most" guys are in this negative group and only a few guys are the real "good" ones. Many of these ladies are already going with the "needle in the haystack" philosophy right out of the block. The thing that is the total difference maker is appearance. When people are visually pleasing to us, we will often overlook some possible negative traits. Really,... I never cared when women did not choose me. I would still be alone, but soon the women would also be alone again because 99.9% of the time the guy they screwed would screw them over in the end.

"tonight we summon for a divine cause,..remembrance,..no,..but for their future loss.." ritual - Ghost
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 211
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 2:29:40 AM
The average woman has many more opportunities compared to guys.
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How do you figure that? I was able to send a message to any woman I wanted to. In what way were my opportunities limited?



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The challenge we have is if I go on a date with a girl tonight, but she has 3 other guys that she's talking to or has dates planned with, I have to be the best out of the 4 of us or else I need to look for a new girl.
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And this is a problem, why?

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If I'm the worst of the 4 of us, why would she pick me?
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In other words, you are reduced to hoping any woman who actually meets you won't be distracted by another option? That's lame. Whatever happened to just being the best option and deciding if she meets your criteria?

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So when he said that the average woman has more opportunities than guys, this is where that was coming from. YOU are the one who makes the final decision of who gets to date you. You choose from what's offered, which we all know from watching dating sites, that you're getting a lot more guys trying to talk to you than we are responses. Or when you go to the bar and you see guys keep walking up to the blonde girl barely wearing anything.
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You should just shoot yourself. I have no sympathy for an average guy with no excuse for dating issues other than his own shitty attitude.

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As a result, the more options you have, the less likely you are to actually pick something.
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That's true - for stupid people who get confused by too many options - and there are lots of stupid people, probably you among them. However, I never found that having lots options was a problem. I know what I want and I'm not distracted by shiny objects.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 212
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 7:01:42 AM

this is exactly what confuses me with women , if they cant get spark from an attractive, charming , interesting guy well...


I can go out on a first date / meeting with a woman that has similar traits and not have instant chemistry. Often because we are still virtual strangers or because one person could be a little bit shy or nervous. The difference is I might go out on a few more dates to see if the chemistry can develop over time. Provided that there aren't any obvious dealbreakers.

I do think many people raise their expectations and/or have the "grass the greener" attitude because of amount of potential options on OLD. That's part of the reason why most first dates / meetings go nowhere. If there isn't instant "chemistry" or a person doesn't exactly match a list of requirements, the other person won't be interested.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 213
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 7:36:21 AM

this is exactly what confuses me with women , if they cant get spark from an attractive, charming , interesting guy well ...what else is there?

Attractive, charming and interesting are all subjective. What's attractive to me may not be to another woman. I don't care how hot a guy is to me - I have female friends who will scratch their heads and not understand what the big deal is. Same with personality and how "interesting" I may think he is. So your statement is pretty broad and doesn't really mean anything.

Well, you're looking at that from your perspective, not the guy's. The challenge we have is if I go on a date with a girl tonight, but she has 3 other guys that she's talking to or has dates planned with, I have to be the best out of the 4 of us or else I need to look for a new girl. If I'm the worst of the 4 of us, why would she pick me?

That speaks to the quality of options, not the quantity. If this were true I guess no one would have ever paired off ever. As far as I know men AND women have always had more than one option most of the time. Obviously the less standards you have the more there are, but that's another discussion.

So when he said that the average woman has more opportunities than guys, this is where that was coming from. YOU are the one who makes the final decision of who gets to date you. You choose from what's offered, which we all know from watching dating sites, that you're getting a lot more guys trying to talk to you than we are responses. Or when you go to the bar and you see guys keep walking up to the blonde girl barely wearing anything.

BOTH choose. Sorry. We don't have options if they aren't presented. All the men we choose from CHOSE to offer themselves as options. And to some degree guys may have lower standards especially when in bars drinking, and they are also competitive. Perhaps this is where the excess options come from.

He's right. We have to build a deeper attraction than making you want to get in bed with us. Sex is great, we all love it, but sex doesn't necessarily satisfy your intellectual, emotional, and companionship needs. The problem with options is that women are no different than men. You're initially thinking sex, not eventually getting married and starting a family. So when you realize that "tall dark and handsome" is a complete bore outside of the bedroom, then you move on to "taller darker and handsom-er". And it's an endless cycle, because there will ALWAYS be someone better. Options are a woman's worst enemy on these sites and in places like bars and clubs...You're never going to find the best, you're always going to see something better. And thanks to always having something better come along, it's going to be harder to find the guy that's what you want, because while this guy is everything, the next guy is more ambitious and has better goals.

Wah. If you aren't interesting to everyone it's on you to accept this and go where you're found to be interesting. It's not on the women who want something more interesting. If you don't like the process - don't participate. You and your gender created the competitive dynamic that rules you out for more interesting.

As a result, the more options you have, the less likely you are to actually pick something.

I maintain that if all our options suck, we're going to want to pass on picking anything. And really we don't have to if there's nothing we want. We don't live in a world where we need to. Do men really want to get picked because they are part of a small group of limited options, or because someone actually likes you? SMH
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 214
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 8:05:49 AM

"...the bad news for guys is…..women decide who is attractive..."


Of course, the good news is ... it apparently doesn't matter too much to many good-looking women. Scores of them date and even have sex with less desirables. I don't have a clue why, but I'm extremely grateful. Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder or some just don't care who they have sex with.


"no spark/chemistry" is plain English for "I don't want YOU."


Countless men generate the 'sparks' by making out. It works! Maybe the women are imagining they're with somebody else. Don't know. Don't care. My success rate was 100% after the second or third date after my divorce and prior to my 40th birthday. (Then a 23 year relationship with a gorgeous, intelligent blonde. She had it with dating 10's. She preferred dating 6's and 7's who are sweet. I might have been slightly insulted by her remark if it wasn't for the sex and her beauty. I kept my resentment to myself.)

There were only 4 women, all were very attractive with nice figures (5 counting my ex-wife - always willing even after our divorce - can't guess why - I doubt if I'm much of a lover or if there were ever any sparks. Perhaps 6 women if I counted one's girlfriend who joined us in bed against my protest. If she had been attractive, I would have been interested.)

3 of those women approached me at Singles Dances. Gotta be the clothes I was wearing. I was in good shape and had all my hair back then, but I was still short and unattractive. Unless eye color matters somewhat: the only compliment I've heard many times, but never took too serious.

Unless things have changed drastically over the years, young and middle aged women seem to enjoy sex. If she is dating ya and likes ya, sparks may not be required if ya do what come naturally for most males. If that doesn't work, a couple of Scorpion Bowls in a nice Oriental restaurant might help. Be sure to tell the waitress to make them strong.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 215
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 8:52:07 AM

She had it with dating 10's. She preferred dating 6's and 7's who are sweet. I might have been slightly insulted by her remark if it wasn't for the sex and her beauty. I kept my resentment to myself.)


Damn, that's just wrong if she articulated that. But in the face of ridicule you hung in there just to show her. It's the principal that matters most. ;)
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 216
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 9:06:11 AM
Damn, that's just wrong if she articulated that. But in the face of ridicule you hung in there just to show her.
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I wouldn't call that ridicule and it wouldn't bother me in the least if the woman I was dating said that. Realistically, I am not a 10, but as long as she is dating me, I look good enough.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 217
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 9:17:21 AM

I wouldn't call that ridicule and it wouldn't bother me in the least if the woman I was dating said that


Just being a little facetious, but...

Well obviously it bothered him, he's the one that resented it. As for me, if
a woman says she usually dates "ten's" aka good looking guy's, but will just settle for me because I'm sweet....ehh...she doesn't need to let the door hit her in the azz on the way out. A little self respect goes a long way. ymmv :)
 ThePigIsHereForEternity
Joined: 7/19/2015
Msg: 218
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 9:17:50 AM

BOTH choose. Sorry. We don't have options if they aren't presented. All the men we choose from CHOSE to offer themselves as options.


Exactly! I made a point similar to this in another thread that mentioned "women do the choosing".

Way to own rockin-trucker with the rest of your post, too.

Damn, you turn me on.
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 219
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 10:17:01 AM

"says she usually dates "ten's" aka good looking guy's,"


Nah, I implied she had STOPPED dating 10's - now just 6's and 7's.(She considered her ex-husband a 10. Yeah, tall and very handsome, but he was having sex with one of his 16 year old students. Also using his credit card to pay for roses and hotel rooms: showing he isn't too smart - that's how he was caught. Ya might think being unfaithful and stupid would have warranted an 8 or at least a 9 rating.)


"settle for me because I'm sweet..A little self respect goes a long way"


Self respect? She went on to say I was a solid 7. Not too shabby considering my height, occupation, lack of education at the time, and not having a manly jaw. A good strong jaw adds a point or 2 according to the women gossip I hear about.

Sweet? Me? Not a chance!

Leave 'em? Nah! I can take it, but I don't forget. I knowingly say something hurtful (teasingly) at a later date to find out if she can take it too. One of my many flaws.

Not in the mean spirited way I did here a few times to a couple of extremely stupid members who attacked me for no apparent reason.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 220
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 1:33:16 PM
^^^ Most likely because you call them extremely stupid.
So, you protested.. I have to know did #6 join or not?
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 221
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 4:07:14 PM

"Most likely because you call them extremely stupid."


I feel guilty when I insult or hurt someone. Sometimes even after it was intentionally.

Here, many seem to enjoy insulting and attacking members. No remorse whatsoever.

I was new to the forum and looking for a bit of urging to get back with a longtime lover I dumped for reasons. Instead I was vehemently attacked and called a fool for considering it. After I responded to some mindless insults, the entire thread was deleted. (Some people can dish it out but can't take it.)

No problem! I was naive and had never encountered any adults like some of the members here.

She drove over a 11000 miles (with her cat) in an attempt to reconcile. Months later, after I heard she had died, I was devastated. I suspected a drug overdose (my ex-wife had died of an accidental drug overdose).

I loved her and can't forgive myself for not reuniting.

The members who called her vile names I consider stupid. My opinion! Prior to that I had no opinion of them.



"So, you protested.. I have to know did #6 join or not?"


Yup! Beforehand I had told the woman I was dating for just several days 'no'. She just ignored me - kinda like my wife used to do. I never said no to the other woman. Afraid to, I guess. She was larger than most men - over 6 feet tall. She could hurt me. Maybe even end me. Why risk it? I was 38 and in great shape. Today, I can barely handle one woman. Two might kill me. If they look great, I'd risk it.


"It's the principal that matters most."


I heard it called a lot of things but never 'principal'.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 222
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History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 4:50:21 PM
HOLY Smokes Batman!..how did I miss this stew pot of POF's greatest hits( or hit-not's). Can't believe you didn't inform me of this CC.


The challenge we have is if I go on a date with a girl tonight, but she has 3 other guys that she's talking to or has dates planned with, I have to be the best out of the 4 of us or else I need to look for a new girl.


Well that is why YOU must date 3 other gals. Don't be putting your eggs in one basket.


YOU are the one who makes the final decision of who gets to date you.


Really? So they come to your house , chain you up and drag you out like like a play doll?

As delicious as they may sound, a guy HAS to choose if he wants to date the gal or not. Her choice, pertaining to you, is only possible based on the choice you make or not.


You choose from what's offered, which we all know from watching dating sites, that you're getting a lot more guys trying to talk to you than we are responses.


You know what, I am torn and undecided on that. What your saying would be TRUE, if EVERY or MOST of the gals got tons of messages from guys they like, and THEN had to choose from among them. But from listening to posters it seems it is RARE they find a guy they want to date.

I on the other hand , when I was in the game, had more women I found attractive writing me then I could ever make time for. So in the end it was ME, a male, making the decision of literally what 2-3 I would see on any given week. The fact that they got 100's per week themselves had VERY little influence on me. I made my own choices.

I am sure you aren't dating every gal that ever sent you a message, right? So you are also exercising choice.

If you like vanilla ice cream, does it really make a difference if the parlor only has 12 flavors , as oppose to 120? EXACTLY! As long as there is vanilla.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 223
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 7:07:19 PM
Ben, I am sure the people replying meant no harm or disrespect.
I just giggled over the 2 women would kill you.. doubt that line :)
Overall I think the people on the forums are great, perhaps a bit blunt ( unlike me LOL) but
Thanks for replying to me btw
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 224
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History
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/12/2015 9:54:55 PM
johng9322

Chemistry is an elusive thing and does not necessarily depend on great good looks, charm etc. That gives us all an even chance I guess. The mix is just not right on a molecular level, the subliminal smell does not excite etc. The way someone walks and talks etc. One woman's hottie is not another. Some are not turned on by Brad Pitt or George Clooney but will be by the guy who does the plumbing perhaps. I have met handsome, successful men that I felt nothing for and been turned on by the average joe next door. It also has to be mutual and that is not so easy to find.

10s can be so full of themselves they have nothing to give to others and don't feel they have to try so hard. A 6 or a 7 can be a better bet. It does not all depend on looks which fade eventually.

It is all a mystery and I like it that way.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 225
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/13/2015 8:09:14 AM

Chemistry is an elusive thing and does not necessarily depend on great good looks, charm etc.


I have yet to experience that magical chemistry with an ugly and obnoxious woman, and I can pretty much guarantee that it will never change.
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 226
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/14/2015 11:25:28 PM
Look back 7 or 8 years ago in the Forums and it' s pretty easy to see that a lot more folks KNEW what Chemistry was... because they had actually experienced it...

Today, with most Americans (of all ages) popping all sorts of medications and "magic pills"...

No Algebra required here to solve this big Chemistry "mystery".
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 227
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/15/2015 8:18:32 AM

Chemistry is an elusive thing and does not necessarily depend on great good looks, charm etc.

It does depend on, from the other person's perspective, good looks + a level of charm/persona. Most definitely. It doesn't depend on OGGLING or to be "Wow'd" by their charm as everyone's ga-ga about them, no. But looks & charm/persona don't have to be head-turners to have a Big Effect underneath it all. We're conditioned by society & sensitivity (to ourselves, too) to believe it plays less a role. Gives us warm fuzzies for "serendipity" and all that jazz that makes us have spirit fingers. Well, those who still eat that up anyway. ;)

One woman's hottie is not another.

It's not random, though. Yes, a lot can be done underneath it all in the small things, which will affect some people one way VS another, etc. And sure, some women (and men) have a repulsion due to past experiences with really great looking people of rejection, games, etc -- that override the natural attraction. That concept is rarely talked about and over-looked. A micro version of that is someone with a good looking ex who they despise, and would rather take an average Jane than a gal who looks way too much like his ex.

With all that said though, looks is #1 for both men & women. Their tastes vary, but the tastes stem from the same tree trunk, and for the Vast majority, when you're talking about big differences like Leagues, you'd be a millionaire if betting in Vegas on it. Random is the small side-dish -- not the main course by any stretch. It's cute motivation to give the down-trodden! And positive conditioning will make one believe things are better than they Actually are (to ignore negatives, only remember positives), just as the depressed will believe things are worse than they Actually are.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 228
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/15/2015 8:34:47 AM

Chemistry is an elusive thing and does not necessarily depend on great good looks, charm etc.


Being physically attractive and/or having a great personality doesn't necessarily guarantee chemistry. But I can guarantee there won't be chemistry when there isn't at least some physical attraction or someone has a poor personality.

Nice person with no physical attraction might = friendship
Very attractive person with a not so good personality might = occasional booty call. LOL.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 229
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/15/2015 9:39:34 AM

But I can guarantee there won't be chemistry when there isn't at least some physical attraction or someone has a poor personality.


Since chemistry is a word used to describe the interaction between two people, yes, there very easily can be chemistry without attraction.

You're mixing reproduction and companionship. They're 2 completely different needs that we aim to fill. In modern western society, we try to do that with 1 person.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 230
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/15/2015 10:18:44 AM

Since chemistry is a word used to describe the interaction between two people, yes, there very easily can be chemistry without attraction.


I mentioned I can be friends with someone that I'm not physically attracted to. But in terms of sexual / romantic chemistry for dating purposes, there needs to be at least some physical attraction for me.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 231
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No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/15/2015 10:28:40 AM

Since chemistry is a word used to describe the interaction between two people, yes, there very easily can be chemistry without attraction.

Chemistry, when it comes to dating, means there's mutual attraction that flows well. After all -- Attraction -- what does that mean? Attract. There's a chemical bond in a sense. Mutual attraction. Attraction isn't purely looks, but it's the elephant in the room, so to speak. Looks isn't purely about how big the t!ts are or how ripped the guy is, either.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 232
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/15/2015 2:52:56 PM

You're mixing reproduction and companionship. They're 2 completely different needs…


Reproduction isn’t a “need.”


No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want


No….it just means she doesn’t want you.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 233
No spark/chemistry is women code word for I don't know what I want
Posted: 8/16/2015 7:43:15 AM
Nah, I'd say it's still a line they use as an easy out, like "I was busy.", or "I work two jobs, I'm a single mother, with no babysitter, ever (how do you work those 2 jobs then), so I don't have much time to date, which is why I came to a dating site looking for someone to date."

Today, we're too afraid to just not be interested. Which might not be a bad thing, because a lot of people seem to have completely 0 tact, to the point that it's mind-blowing that they don't understand why people react so negatively towards what they say.

Someoene who knows what they want, they don't have to waste time on someone that "there was no chemistry", because rather than date every guy with bulging muscles who acts like what they honestly think a dominant person acts like (dominant doesn't mean you have to be a****, they actually find a guy that fits what they want BEFORE wasting the time dating him. It's not hard. Some girls just really suck at picking guys. And the choices they make... Stevie Wonder can look at the guy and knows he's nothing like what she thinks he is.
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