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 AUTHOR
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
How do I move on?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

VV you know, dear, some people just NEED that slap in the face to start to change dysfunctional behavior..
Especially when they come on POFerland Forums literally asking for help to move on and then DON'T...


You put your hand on the hot stove and burn yourself, it hurts - I tell you, awww, here put some ointment on it or something... and I tell you not to touch the stove.

You put your hand on the hot stove the next day and burn yourself again - I tell you, go get the ointment and put it on your hand, put some ice on it or something - and this is twice now, you need to learn that you should stay away from a hot stove.

You put your hand on the hot stove again the next day, yet again... either you are doing it for the attention, or you are stupid, because nobody *wants* to burn their hand on the stove 3 days in a row, especially after being told several times before to stay away from the damn stove! Its not the stove's fault - its yours - that you keep getting burned and hurt.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
How do I move on?
Posted: 8/29/2010 6:13:46 PM
I think when it comes to love and dealing with emotions is slightly different than burning your hand on the stove..


Spoken here as someone who has *done* exactly what the OP is doing, for a couple of years after she walked out on me for another guy - NO, its not. I kept getting *myself* hurt over and over, she'd call up and I'd be there... until I wasn't - and it was *my* choice to stop answering the phone, and stop being there as her 'backup' (first real love). Best thing I ever did *for myself*... she was my 'hot stove', and until I stopped what I was doing, I would have just kept getting hurt. Instead, I've had some pretty good relationships since. I would like to see the OP stop 'burning herself' on this guy, and move on, before she spends a couple years pining after someone who doesn't give a crap about her (like I did).

If I could go back in time and whap myself across the head with a 2x4 (like I wish someone had back then) I would.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 31
How do I move on?
Posted: 9/8/2010 2:32:54 PM

He doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. says he is just trying to find himself!! Wow, by using women!!


Now you are starting to see the light!
Do you really want a guy who "doesn't feel he's done anything wrong" by leaving you for another woman and then playing you for an emotional yo-yo?


He said he still misses me and I am the best sex he has ever had!


Not to put you down, but... he left you and is boffing some other woman because "you were the best sex he ever had"? No mention of "love" there huh? He just "misses you" (hint: he misses the sex, not *you* the person). Would you treat someone you love the way he's been treating you? Leaving them with a planned wedding to find someone else?


I hope I can get over this quickly and find a nice, wonderful man that will love me and appreciate what I do for him.


You will , although "quickly" is of course relative - and I'd say relative to how completely you keep him out of your life, stop taking those calls, etc.
 bamaangel642002
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 33
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 3:42:06 PM
i don,t know. i would also like to know this. i have been with this guy on and off for a while, and he has treated me just awful but i can,t stop loving him. hes like a drug to me or something. i just can,t seem to move on from him. i have had my family and friends to tell me how bad he is and how much better off i am with out him but getting my heart to belive that is the hard thing. all of these people who are telling this woman to do this or that how many of you could follow your own advise?
 bamaangel642002
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 34
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 3:42:51 PM
i don,t know. i would also like to know this. i have been with this guy on and off for a while, and he has treated me just awful but i can,t stop loving him. hes like a drug to me or something. i just can,t seem to move on from him. i have had my family and friends to tell me how bad he is and how much better off i am with out him but getting my heart to belive that is the hard thing. all of these people who are telling this woman to do this or that how many of you could follow your own advise?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 4:30:21 PM
You don't love him, you love the drama.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 36
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/7/2017 4:47:13 PM
You love thinking you are his helpless victim, prisoner of LUV, if you debase yourself enough, satisfaction and fulfillment will be yours~

Does that not sound weird to you?

If it doesn't, well, I guess you've found your soul mate.

Carry on~
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 37
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 5:34:47 AM
Like you said, he's like a drug. He gives you a rush, and we all love feeling pleasure. Like any other addiction, the way to move on is to learn about yourself, respect what you find, and thus get disgusted with the price you have to pay (in his bad behavior) in order to get that rush. Typically, you'll end up exchanging that rush for another rush in life, and that other substitute is the one you'll end up chasing after. Until then, you'll be like that proverbial lab rat that hits the button for cocaine and ignores the button for the food pellet.
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 38
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 6:15:42 AM

i don,t know. i would also like to know this. i have been with this guy on and off for a while, and he has treated me just awful but i can,t stop loving him. hes like a drug to me or something. i just can,t seem to move on from him. i have had my family and friends to tell me how bad he is and how much better off i am with out him but getting my heart to belive that is the hard thing. all of these people who are telling this woman to do this or that how many of you could follow your own advise?


Absolutely it's like a drug, and you're addicted to the relationship you're in. Note that I say relationship and not him, because this is codependency. Even though your man treats you as a doormat, you can't imagine life not being in that relationship. Guess what? You had one before you met him, so it is possible to survive after all. many people have been there, and to wean them themselves successfully, they've all followed the same advice: do other stuff! Until you do, your brain will remain hardset along the same pathways.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 39
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 7:53:21 AM
this is just as completely ridiculous today ( 2017 ) ~ as it was in 2010 ....
it beats me, how someone could be so gullible, as this women ....
anyone who is sane, knows this relationship was doomed, the moment it started ....
how many negatives must occur, before the proof is in the pudding ?
" he says, I was the best in bed ever "

^^^^ big f-in deal, means absolutely nothing ...
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 40
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 1:00:49 PM

how many of you could follow your own advise?


Raises hand.


hes like a drug to me or something.


I have never used illegal drugs and I don't get addicted to legal ones.
I never even finished the whole bottle of painkillers I got when I was in a literal train wreck.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 41
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 1:51:36 PM
"it beats me, how someone could be so gullible"

>>>its not so much they are being fooled, as in they want something specific and they seek out the partner who will give it to them. They just hate the price they end up having to pay for it. It is "as old as the hills", and the person involved has to stop looking for the thing they think they want, and look for something healthy instead...which typically means they have to get a healthy mindset, first. Then they naturally seek out healthy relationships b/c that's what they feel comfortable in. But so long as they want the thrill of drama, or want the "hot and cold" running love that Daddy denied them as kids, or whatever other issue they bring to the relationship...they're always going to have an issue with relationships.

"how many of you could follow your own advice?"

>>>we don't follow it, so much as we naturally gravitate towards it. Likely, we're the ones complaining about a lack of relationships in our lives, b/c we don't go after the low hanging fruit that costs us so much in the long run.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 42
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 2:33:13 PM
Can someone explain the concept of 'low hanging fruit' to me? I understand it's within a person's grasp and is probably juicy and just right ripe, as opposed to the higher branches with the still green pips. Why is this a bad thing?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 43
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 3:11:02 PM


Can someone explain the concept of 'low hanging fruit' to me? I understand it's within a person's grasp and is probably juicy and just right ripe, as opposed to the higher branches with the still green pips. Why is this a bad thing?


you're kidding, right?

It isn't necessarily wrong, but it often is. Low hanging fruit basically means that which is easily obtainable. Many times (most times?), that which you really need is not easily obtainable. Very often, the best answer, the best solution is going to be very hard to find or obtain.

You should look long and hard at anything which "falls into your lap". Good things are usually hard won.
 IBup4it
Joined: 6/15/2017
Msg: 44
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 3:22:54 PM
Unless you find ladder to reach the higher fruit then you don't need to worry about it.

The easy way to move on pick up and go and deal with all that you just left before dating and relationships again. Focus on you and what you want in life, what it is that would make you happy, if you don't see it don't put the ladder against the tree.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 45
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 7:31:41 PM
" having your dreams smashed "

^^^ Seems to me, your talking about a relationship that went on for some time. Both appeared to be, seriously involved with each other.
This is the thing though, if there are little red flags wavin' all over ~ right from the get go, or they start to appear later - we should lead with our mind, not our hearts. If it doesn't seem quite right, there is a real good chance it isn't.

" a very long time "
^^^ In your writing, I can see this in you ... you know yourself well & appreciate an equal amount of intellectual bonding. ( our emotions can dig deep , feelings of betrayal ~ cut sharp as a knife )
Look inside yourself & know ~ You really are , a very sweet and interesting person. The person who ends up with you > they will be a lucky one ( this is simply ~ the truth )

" smoking for decades " - well, I stpped this way :)
Soon ~ tell yourself your going to f-in stop smoking. Take several months to mull it over, get your mind right ( like Cool Hand Luke )

then > cut down to 10 cigarettes a day, do that for a few months ...
then > cut that down to 7, for a few months ...
then > cut down to 5, for a few months
then> cut down to 3 , for a couple months
then to one , for the same time period ...
at the same time > go buy yourself the best hard candies money can buy - worthers, jolly ranchers, I mean good stuff !!! Everytime you want a cigarette - pop one in > you'll probably be suckin on one all day ...
oh well, you'll be lookin' cute ~ draggin' that big bag of candy around, givin' out samples, col
then the day will come ~ you'll be able to do without ~ the ONE !!!! yay !! congrats !!
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 46
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/10/2017 10:18:12 PM

" he says, I was the best in bed ever "


Based on what sample size?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 47
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/11/2017 5:42:02 AM
"Can someone explain the concept of "low hanging fruit" to me?

>>>Skeezy, you're right, LHF isn't automatically bad, just like selfish behavior doesn't always have to be evil. Sometimes in nature (I have trees and animals in the woods), however the fruit higher up gets more sunshine, and the low fruit doesn't always hang low b/c its fuller of water, and b/c its so easy to grab, animals might nick it before it reaches full maturation.

Of course, in the West we have our Puritan values, that good things are ones we work for. When we have a healthy mind, we don't have to work at finding people with healthy minds. We go where our healthy mind takes us, and well...they did the same thing, so there they are. We listen to how they treat themselves with self-respect and recognize a kindred spirit. The only work is winning them over, compared to the work we have to do to win over the people desperate for our attention--we only have to buy those people dinner and answer the phone.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 48
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/11/2017 10:01:51 AM
Yes, I can live by my advice, because I led a really screwed up life, I've made most of the mistakes over and over again, I've been in therapy several times, I've been abused starting from the beginning of my life. I have been raped several times, starting from the beginning of my life, most of the things people ask here, I've lived through, I was that crazy weirdo hanging onto crazy men, I was in love with drama, I didn't have a clue, and I was so sure that those telling me the truth had just never loved as deeply as me, me, me! LOL. Hot mess was something I grabbed for. So when I give advice, I am not being glib or feeling superior, I am speaking from experience. You can stop ruining your life if you really want to, but you have to get the proper help, you have to fall down many times and get back up, you have to do a freaking lot of hard, painful work, and you have to stop dating anyone until you do all of that. Continuing the crazy means you don't really want out of it , you want the attention you get from all the drama. Sane people don't get together with crazy people, crazy people look for each other, they are either just as unstable or they are looking for victims. It is always your choice, as an adult, to get help or to wallow in the mess. You cannot do a lot about your childhood or your reactions, because you have no control, but as an adult, it's your responsibility fix your life.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 49
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/11/2017 12:00:03 PM

How do I move on?



i don,t know. i would also like to know this.


Google "latimes.com/dirtyjohn" and read the whole story.

If that doesn't wake you up and motivate you, nothing will.

What some people put themselves- and their loved ones- through is truly mind-boggling.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 50
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/11/2017 8:13:36 PM
daynadaze ~

You are a perfect example of what human life is capable of ...
I respect and admire your heart / tenacity ...
Thank you for your compassionate words & VERY sweet nature.
You turn bad experiences , into helpful advice ...

You really are ~ simply awesome, you know that ?

Best to you sweetheart, in all that lies before you ...... ( heart / sun : )
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 51
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How do I move on?
Posted: 10/11/2017 10:43:01 PM
Thank you, some find me rude, I am really not, it's just that sometimes being blunt is what is needed. When people are in mental anguish, egging their behavior on thinking it's kind, makes things much tougher. Anyway I truly do hope to help.
 magicstillaroundme
Joined: 10/2/2017
Msg: 52
How do I move on?
Posted: 10/12/2017 2:24:31 AM

i don,t know. i would also like to know this. i have been with this guy on and off for a while, and he has treated me just awful but i can,t stop loving him. hes like a drug to me or something. i just can,t seem to move on from him. i have had my family and friends to tell me how bad he is and how much better off i am with out him but getting my heart to belive that is the hard thing. all of these people who are telling this woman to do this or that how many of you could follow your own advise?


Something to consider:
Maybe "moving on" isn't the answer. Perhaps you just need to give yourself permission to continue. Gto mentioned puritanism. Could it be that you are being pressured to obey people who spend their lives in abject misery? Provided that you don't do anything too self destructive, loving a compelling man isn't a bad thing. The "drama free" people will never agree but I can't understand why they don't slit their own throats over the barren lives that they lead.

Face it. You love the chaos. It is part of you. Make up your mind that humdrum isn't your bag. Take reasonable precautions to protect yourself from real harm and go with it. Yes, you have to take the bad with the good but who doesn't? At least the good is the kind of good that you crave. Listening to the puritanical won't ever do it for you.

I speak from similar though probably not identical experience. I was married for 15 years to a woman who was a kleptomaniac and was also the town bike. Family, friends and even strangers were flabbergasted and I was ashamed and very unhappy until I accepted the fact that she and she alone could excite me. Whenever the puritans got on me for putting up with her shoplifting or DUIs my response became, "So, do you want to make something of it?" Rather than be a long suffering and devoted cuckold, I joined her and started taking her to swing clubs and the like. Instead of HER being bad, it transformed into WE are off the wall. Better to be a kook than a disgrace. Eventually she left me for someone else. It may have been a big mistake because he turned out to be one of those crack down, authoritarian types but, then again, maybe that was what SHE needed deep down. Point is, as bad as everyone tells you that it is, it is them telling you and not you suiting yourself. Try suiting yourself better.
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