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 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 26
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being so bitter towards an exPage 2 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Yep......I've moved on to "indifference"......
but it doesn't mean he isn't still an a~hole !!
Me learning from the experience and moving on isn't changing "his" character.....it changed mine.

and I'm sorry......but sometimes it is NOT both people's fault that a relationship
ends.
I'm not saying anyone is the "perfect" spouse.......but there are plenty of spouses that were horribly wronged without reason or warning signs.

Just because I refer to my ex as an a~hole......doesn't mean I'm bitter.......it's just a fact.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 5:11:02 PM

Apparently my sense of humour is lost on some people....

It's only lost on me if it's not actually funny, or the context of the joke sucks or isn't clear.

So you've never had a bad experience with your exes or anyone else's - that's good. Where do you get these wild ideas about exes then? Most aren't that dramatic.
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 28
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 5:20:31 PM
I tried the get even thing once. She had an affair. Well I was hurt the first day. Pissed the next. Numb by the third day and told her that I thought he was probably perfect for her by the end of the week
However in the ensuing month or so I seduced and slept with nearly a dozen women. Some were 20 years younger and dangerously attractive. She ask because she suspected and I told her the truth. It wrecked her pretty good. I found no pleasure in harming another. Not only that but those women really liked me. So what good did it do?

To be honest with you cheating is not the worst thing that can happen to you. lol In fact it's pretty lite. These days it's probably a minor infraction. It would be worse for a mate to wreck your soul so to speak and through carping and invalidation make you less if you don't know whats going on. As you evaluate your experiences and catagorize your knowledge of life all these things melt away as insignificant. If you are going to hang onto trash you will probably start to smell like it.

At the same time I would not be a close friend or anything of the sort. Respectful and courteous would describe it best. Now an ex girlfriend is a completely different dynamic. The second she gets critical of me I already know what that means and I am half way out the door. If she wants more sex its a matter of her picking up the phone...I will not be exclusive with her and she will already know that.
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 29
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 5:38:01 PM
"Just because I refer to my ex as an a~hole......doesn't mean I'm bitter.......it's just a fact."
That's a quote to be framed and put on the wall! Most people assume some leftover feelings by the person left behind and motives of revenge when just the facts of what happened speak volumes. You are one of the few who separate the resentment/judgment of the ex from lingering feelings. One of my good exes thought I was exaggerating until a friend of hers dated my ex-wife and lost a truck in the process (lucky him, it could have easily been worse). Hearing it from another source made her see that I was not making things up.

Also, one needs to differentiate bitter against all men/women from bitter against a particular person. Nobody says 'do you like food?' but 'do you like Italian/Indian/Chinese food?' knowing that you may dislike one but not the other. What irks me most is when the bitterness card is played without knowing the person in question. Granted, they only hear one side (and only if they asked or get dragged into it), but they could just as easily assume that there was a history and ther is bitterness for a reason. After all, everything happens for a reason, right? LOL
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 30
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 5:43:10 PM
"However in the ensuing month or so I seduced and slept with nearly a dozen women."
I'd rather be bitter than break a dozen women's hearts. It sounds as if you were not serious about them...
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 31
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 5:55:26 PM
In my experience being bitter is just one of the leading steps to getting over your ex. Me being in a 4 year relationship and then having been cheated on I was certainly bitter and vengeful in the beginning. Now I wouldn't say I am bitter towards 'him' I am just left jaded towards relationships period. Bitterness passes with time, of course depending on the nature of the break up, and how much scarring that person has really done to your heart. Oh and I don't think a person being bitter towards their ex is one bit amusing which you seem to think in your original post OP.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 32
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 7:09:21 PM
When someone is so overly bitter toward an ex, I always wonder about them, they picked this person, what does that say about them. Especially when they have more than one ex they berate like they were the worst people in the world, really, you managed to get mixed up with more than one? Now how does that happen, I mean without a lot of help from the person doing the bytching. Wouldn't you like to get the ex's side? So often when you meet the ex, they are not anything like the bitter one claimed...another thing that says a lot.
 Profile-Writer
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 33
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 8:00:53 PM
OP, it is commendable that you are able to be civil with your EXs. But depending on the situation that can be easier said than done. A dear friend helped me during my (24yr) breakup. I believe her 'spiritual' views on why people drift apart helped me to NOT become bitter toward my EX.

She feels that not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some people enter our lives for a reason such as to offer support during a difficult time, and then they leave!! It’s up to us how we use the experience and what we gain from it. As people change and grow so do their relationships. Some relationships don’t withstand this growth if two people lack shared interests or are heading in different directions. If this happens slowly, the relationship withers into non-existence over time. But if this happens suddenly, or if one or both partners wake up to the reality of the situation in one fell swoop, the relationship suddenly dies. My relationship ended because it just withered over time. Placing blame would not help matters or bring the relationship back. NOT being bitter allowed us to remain friends.

Best Wishes, Eve
 RockinDaze
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 34
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/21/2010 9:39:56 PM
I agree with the Op. Ultimately we chose the very person that may or may not be considered suitable for breathing air (lol) so what does that say for us. Of course, in some cases, grieving is expected. Go with it but don't let it hang like a black cloud raining on all your parades.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 35
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 12:04:41 AM
It is rather simple to explain really! It's like I have often said in this forum but, people will fall in love not with the person they were dating but rather, the person who they “thought” they were dating. As they began to see who their ex really was, problems began to emerge.

When they call them all the bad names in the book, what they are really expressing is their frustration against themselves for never seeing who that person really was. Let's face it, you may fall in love with someone after a while but, that does not mean you love them for who they are since you may not know who they really are until years later... not to mention that you may not really know who you are in different situations.


Have you ever given thought to what you did to contribute to the break up?


Here's a eye opener for many people but... we are all 100% responsible for what we do in any situation. This is hard for most people to hear since they are quick to pass the blame on the other but, they are STILL 100% responsible for what they did.

This said, if there's an argument and feelings are hurt and eventually there's a break up, what both concerned parties need to do is point the finger at themselves and ask “What did I add to this situation?” and not ask “What did you add to it?”.

I've heard it said many times that "everything happens for a reason" and even to this day, I simply cannot believe it. Being a very realistic and logical person, to that saying I would ask “What was the reason for it happening?”. Of course the most likely answer will vary from person to person until an answer is found but to me, things happen simply because they did. Once they do happen, it is up to you look at your 100% and see what it is, and learn from it.

I would agree that that should build character and make you stronger but, most people do tend to think of “just leaving it in the past”. Thinking this will simply position you to repeat the same mistakes all over again, and again, and again etc...


So why cant some just let it go, chalk it up to experience, and move on??


That's kind of what I just said. If you “just let it go”, you will never see what you did and learn from those mistakes.
 Beyond the Cleavage
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 36
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 12:54:51 AM

Yep......I've moved on to "indifference"......
but it doesn't mean he isn't still an a~hole !!
Me learning from the experience and moving on isn't changing "his" character.....it changed mine

Very much agree with this.'
At the end of the day, being bitter isn't affecting your ex, just you.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 37
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 1:05:18 AM

Plus since I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" shouldnt you give thought to how previous relationships make you into the person you are today?

Sounds like predestination or fate..pooh ............

Balderdash.. Sounds like someone at a funeral saying "It was Gods will".
OK ..not buying it.

But I agree every experience does contribute to your overall understanding or lack of when it comes to others and your attitude about a lot of things.




They build character and make you stronger.

Sometimes..but

Not all hardships do, some make you a wreck and then you need medication and therapy..




I have been reading these forums for some time now and one thing that I continue to find very amusing is how bitter people are towards their ex's


I find it more SAD than amusing.




So why cant some just let it go, chalk it up to experience, and move on??


It takes longer for some than others. The more and longer you put of yourself into something ..of being ,trust and finances the longer it takes to get over it in most cases..I say 2-3 years MOST should be past it even if it was not a good split..and then theres children..How long are they keeping you tied to this person?

Basically they aren't over it until most of that crap is gone..It seems the older you are after a split and the more money you lose the longer it takes not to be bitter about the money,
the younger you are the longer the heartache.



Why doesnt anyone seem to accept the fact that it takes two to make and break a relationship and it is never ever one sided


The same reason when things go well people want credit, when they go bad they want someone to blame or give excuses.Not just relationships with lovers and spouses that this goes on, but school, workplace and how the kids turn out ect.



In my experience being bitter is just one of the leading steps to getting over your ex. Me being in a 4 year relationship and then having been cheated on I was certainly bitter and vengeful in the beginning. Now I wouldn't say I am bitter towards 'him' I am just left jaded towards relationships period


Some find cr@gslist helpful..* cough*

Now someone tell me just how did I end up burning boiled eggs?Ratzzzzzzz

This forum made me a bad cook..it will take an hour to get over it..
Three to not smell eggshell roasting.
I feel such resentment..and am hungry.
Guess I wasn't meant to have breakfast.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 38
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 1:16:52 AM
I'm not bitter towards my ex, he's bitter towards me.. Why??? Because i left our marriage from hell and didn't continue to put up with his crap....

He was emotionally abusive so if anyone was going to be bitter it should be me... But noooo... He is bitter because i left him, not because of how i behaved in our relationship..

And we divorced 13 years ago!!!! He is only punishing himself living all those years with such bitterness in his heart.....
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 39
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 2:03:25 AM
It may have something to do with emotions. I think this because the love felt originally was an emotion, and so is the eventual hate. Sometimes people love and hate the same person at the same time. That is called ambivalence. Ambivalence can be ambiguous, and people who are ambivalent can be ambidextrous. It begins with amorousness and ends with a ride in an ambulance, after which the ambulatory are known as the walking wounded. The wound does not heal right. It stays as a sore spot that when touched hurts emotionally. It can be touched by a word, a look, a memory, a youtube video of the ex having sex with your erstwhile best friends on the satin sheets you got as a wedding present, and by other events, memories and ideas that evoke the painful emotion. The wound does not heal because the pain it provides feels so good. The hate is like a promise to be kept by some unnamed authority that will one day finally drift down from a place higher than the tree tops to bless the sufferer with vindication. Holding out for that promised reward may take a lifetime. Emotions can be like that. People make a habit of thinking whichever thoughts feel best, and some of the best feelings are the pangs of abused. It's a simple pattern: remember the wrong that was done, think how unjust it was, feel a pang, scan the sky for signs of the arrival of the vindicator. Why people don't just keep it to themselves is because each opportunity to express the wounded hatred proves their worthiness of the awaited vindication. Emotions may not be too bright but they can be very persistent.
 five-marie
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 40
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:09:46 AM
I can "chalk it up to experience and let it go" if I don't have strong feelings for someone. I think being bitter if you've been betrayed by someone you love and trust is natural. It's one of the many stages people go through when breaking up.
Some do get stuck in this stage, that's when it becomes a problem.
Ever notice how even the bitterest people heal immediately if in a new promising relationship? I keep on friendly terms with most of my ex's but only after they've started a new relationship.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 41
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:39:41 AM

Considering that behind many of those stories there's a personal hardship for somebody (financially for the partner, emotionally for the kids, lives shattered), 'amusing' is hardly the appropriate word.
I agree with this thought completely. Ubër déclassé to use such blasé words to describe what for many has been an extremely traumatic experience.

As for why bitterness in come continues... because promises were broken that truly hurt people and made them angry. I know I'm not a machine able to turn on and off my emotions at the flick of a switch. I might not go around posting on the forums the things an ex has done to become an ex or after the fact, but that doesn't mean the split was amicable by any means.

About the only thing I agree with is that I've often seen way too much information shared on the forums regarding people's relationships... I'm not sure why people expose their delicate underbellies, but they do... I think that should be seen as sad, not amusing.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 42
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:50:16 AM
adopting a victim mentality puts you in the position of feeling helpless.
therefore, if you feel like a victim of your ex, you become helpless about your feelings.
and what can be more satisfying to the deliberately helpless than the self-assurance that comes with knowing the universe gives them invisible brownie points for perpetually bearing the heavy cross of their past? it's a way to become virtuous without actually having to do anything. besides being bitter & angry, i mean.

quoted from below:

What I find amusing is resorting to petty name calling, and how a person can be the best thing since sliced bread while two people are together but then suddenly turn into this evil subhuman after the relationship doesnt work out.


people resort to petty name calling because they were actually petty people all along. it only took a little psychological discomfort to bring out the best in 'em, and they were merely petty in a more charitable direction when they started out the relationship thinking their partner was the best thing since sliced bread. both extremes are ridiculous in their own way. i'm thinking of pendulums and chickens coming home to roost.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 43
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:54:04 AM
Really good post az.


I met a man who is very bitter about ex-wife.
Also, his kids "did him wrong" too.
Came up often in conversation.
They've been divorced 23 years.

He thrives on it.
It's his fuel.
If he let it go, he'd deflate and become a nothing.

When shit happens, some people don't know how to put something else in the place of "bitter".
It's a life skill.
Some have it, some don't. That's all.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 44
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:55:36 AM
Lint Spotter,

I am not saying that I find a persons hurts amusing, I understand that most times these cuts run very deep and some have much difficulty dealing with the various issues that come when a relationship breaks down.
What I find amusing is resorting to petty name calling, and how a person can be the best thing since sliced bread while two people are together but then suddenly turn into this evil subhuman after the relationship doesnt work out.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 45
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:58:16 AM

What I find amusing is resorting to petty name calling,
Often that is what a person does when they do not feel like they're in control of their life. They lash out in anger, rage, frustration, fear and hurt. They've been hurt so they want to inflict pain on the other person...

What's so difficult to understand?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 46
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 6:07:01 AM
Since I never talk to my exes or keep anything to remember them by once it's over, after a while, I really feel nothing at all about them, either way.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 10:33:48 AM
If someone's refering to their exes as "losers", "psychos", "A holes", etc, I wonder:
-is there something wrong with that person, that causes them to have relationships with losers and A holes?
or
-are they just an immature bitter person, who responds to breakups by childishly bashing the other person and calling them names?


Yeah, pretty much... I mean, I've had conversations w/ GF's about out 'history', we all have our 'pain' over how things happened, but none of us have been sitting around 'holding onto' that.. you move on, I don't hate them, it was just another mistake (cough cough, "learning experience") along the path of life. None of them are "losers" or "A-holes", there had to be something good/attractive about them, or I wouldn't have dated them...

Of course I have one ex-GF I can honstly say was "psycho" - but, well, that one called me up like 5yrs after we dated all happy "Guess what? I'm crazy!" ... uh, no sh*t? .. "My new doctor diagnosed me as psychotic and I'm on new meds!! I'm so happy, I know whats wrong with me now!" ... don't hate her or anything, but I feel her I can say is "psycho", because she's actually been diagnosed as such. She's not a horrible person, she's just done a lot of stuff in her life that, honestly, has hurt her over the years a heck of a lot more I think than anything that ever happened between us. I find it more sad than anything, she's very intelligent, and her life is a mess because she just can't ever get herself out of her own issues.
 PhxRob
Joined: 8/1/2010
Msg: 48
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 10:38:42 AM

So why cant some just let it go, chalk it up to experience, and move on?? Ex's have to have had some great qualities to make you fall in love with them in the first place. RIGHT? Why do they turn into such terrible people when the relationship breaks down?


For the record I have never been divorced. But I have witnessed plenty of friends going through divorce.

Your post is so on the mark. Always kills me when I hear people ripping on their ex. Yes in there is the rare circumstance where someone really got screwed over by the other. But in 99% of the cases it "his side" vs. "her side" and the reality is somewhere in the middle.

Life is to short to harbor jealously and hatred of things from the past and it is best to move on and make yourself happy.

One of my favorite quotes: “Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 49
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 10:54:40 AM
Am I the only one who has gone out on dates over the years only to find that the only topic of conversation is the bitterness towards an ex.

On and on they go (even though they have been divorced for a fair amount of time) about how the ex says that their faults are this, this and this, but the ex was the only problem. By the end of the date I ended up thinking that I agreed with the ex. ie. controlling, on the abusive/put down side, self absorbed, not listening..............the list goes on. One guy even kept grabbing at me, and told me he did that with the ex and she would always give in and have sex with him. Hello buddy, I am not the ex, and keep your hands to yourself.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 50
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 11:37:37 AM

Am I the only one who has gone out on dates over the years only to find that the only topic of conversation is the bitterness towards an ex.

No Moraima, I don't think you are the only one.
I bet you we all have been inflicted with stories of bad-bad-bad ex's who cheated, lied, maxed out their credit cards, abused them, the kids, the dog and the grass in the back yard.
This sour candy is too delicious to many, who roll it over and over in their mouth trying to extract every bit of satisfaction for being the righteous, the undeserving victim, the vindicated heroes, the survivors of bad things that befell good people, etc.
I think that in their eyes, the whole sob-tale serves as a warning to prospective mates who might attempt to do them in, like the ex's did.


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