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 Rebluez
Joined: 2/25/2010
Msg: 51
being so bitter towards an exPage 3 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Bitterness towards an ex means they still mean something to you. If you truly didn't care, they wouldn't be a thought enough to be bitter about. The trump card to that though, is children, when the ex can't be put out of your mind.

In my divorce, I was bitter towards my ex.. but it was interesting to find out why. It was purely selfish. My plans, my future, almost everything about me at the time, was in effect stolen from me and I was bitter about that. It wasn't losing her, but what she represented in my life.

I did all the classic crap, talked sh*t on her, about her, tried to divide people to either be on my side or hers.... but that was because of the hurt I felt and I wanted to hurt her back.

But a silver lining to all that bitterness is, and was... it helped me to vilify her in my mind, which helped considerably in taking the steps to put her out of my life. The only regret is that I was so public about it.

Would I do it again the same way? Probably not, but that is also a by-product of the experience.


Bluez
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 52
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 12:51:42 PM

I bet you we all have been inflicted with stories of bad-bad-bad ex's who cheated, lied, maxed out their credit cards, abused them, the kids, the dog and the grass in the back yard.
This sour candy is too delicious to many, who roll it over and over in their mouth trying to extract every bit of satisfaction for being the righteous, the undeserving victim, the vindicated heroes, the survivors of bad things that befell good people, etc.
I think that in their eyes, the whole sob-tale serves as a warning to prospective mates who might attempt to do them in, like the ex's did.


I personally don't get it, I mean sure - one of my ex's cheated on me, and it hurt (of course), but honestly last I knew she's pretty much been alone the past 15 years (the guy she cheated on me with was cheating on her months later, go figure)... the last time we even really talked was like 8 years ago, I was dating someone and said, y'know, still trying to find someone special - and her comment was "Love is overrated, I don't need that in my life anymore". I find that... Sad? from someone I really loved way back when.

I had one dump me to go back to the kids father - I could understand that, even respect that she wanted to work it out "because its what I think is best for the kids". I can't for the life of me hate or be bitter over someone doing what they think is right for their kids.

I think its just the "victim" mentality, and in order to be a victim there has to be a "bad person" on the other side. I dunno, I'm not a victim of anyone but myself - after all, it was my choice to get involved with them?

I'm reminded of a talk by John Bradshaw (counselor/theologist), talking about how we see our parents mainly, but it equates just as much to people in general (paraphrased):
"We have a tendency to view our parents in a very polarized view - either our parents were degraded sinners [alcoholic, abusive, bad parents] or saints [perfection], but the reality is they were human - being a parent doesn't come with a manual, nobody is *really* prepared for parenthood. For some they may have been really sick/injured people, but they were human. To make them degraded sinners is to make them less than human, to make them saints is to make them more than human. Its important that we see them as human beings, who can and did make mistakes, but did all they knew how to do at the time."
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 53
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 1:33:57 PM
"the whole sob-tale serves as a warning to prospective mates who might attempt to do them in, like the ex's did. "

Never thought of it that way. I would have more respect for someone who simply stated that they have been used in the past, and are making sure that never happens to them. I believe in the direct approarch of saying what you mean.

I would never bring up my late husband when I start dating someone though we had a good marriage. I don't start dating anyone to tell them who I used to be. I tell them who I am not.

I guess people's need to share their bitter stories is more revealing about who they are now that they realize.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 54
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 2:04:51 PM

"the whole sob-tale serves as a warning to prospective mates who might attempt to do them in, like the ex's did. "

Never thought of it that way. I would have more respect for someone who simply stated that they have been used in the past, and are making sure that never happens to them. I believe in the direct approarch of saying what you mean.


Could be Moraima... I dunno, the only thing I bring up, more as a 'rule' (not that I can do anything about it) is, having been cheated on I wouldn't wish that pain/betrayal on anyone, and I've never cheated and I won't on "you", I'd end it if I was that unhappy or didn't think it was working. And in return, if I'm not what you want then give me the respect of ending it first rather than cheating. Not a 'sob story', its long in the past, just something I'd prefer not to go through again.

Nobody can 'do me in' if I'm a willing participant. I may kick myself in the butt for being 'blind to the signs' after, but that's my own stupidity.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 55
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 2:53:42 PM

I met a man who is very bitter about ex-wife.
Also, his kids "did him wrong" too.
Came up often in conversation.
They've been divorced 23 years.

He thrives on it.
It's his fuel.
If he let it go, he'd deflate and become a nothing.


Because if he ever let it go he'd have to look at himself, at his mistakes, at his part in the breaking up and losing out on the family life he though he was building. So often this type of person has no means of seeing themselves as anything but a martyr who did no wrong.

When a person stays in a bad or abusive relationship they aren't a victim they are a willing partner in whatever awfulness is happening. You are a victim when you didn't expect harm but were harmed by someone, once you stay and make excuses (worse using the kids giving them the burden of fault) you know what's going you and you have chosen to stay. Nobody is saying it's easy, but don't brag about being abused for years then put all the blame on someone else. Get up and leave if you feel abused!
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 56
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 3:34:22 PM
Another Bradshaw one:

You can be 'sick' and be in control, or 'crazy' - I used to do this during a presentation, I'd ask 3 people in the audience to come up, and I'd tell them to act out their idea of crazy... you can pick your nose, or scratch yourself, or... you'd have to have your own definition of crazy. And I'd have them walk through the audience, and at some point I'd be talking and I'd have totally lost the audience - they'd all be looking around, where are they, 'the crazy ones'? So I'd have the 3 people come up on the stage again and I'd ask them, how did it feel? "Never felt so in control. Never felt so powerful..." So you see, even 'crazy' has its payoffs.

You can be a victim, and be in 'control'. And what victims do is continually document their 'victimization'... and if you say 'yeah, I understand' - no, no, they'll follow you around and give you *more*. And I'm saying this because sometimes people can do it and don't even see that its a form of control, that their looking for the 'payoff' in feeling in control.
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 57
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 3:54:27 PM
"You are a victim when you didn't expect harm but were harmed by someone, once you stay and make excuses (...) you have chosen to stay."
That is a definition I can accept. Perhaps those who stay were turning the other cheek, being forgiving or simply hoped for the better or sucked it up because of their vows. I find some digressions unforgivable, others have to accumulate to warrant a breakup or can possibly be worked out.
 Pirate Mollie
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 58
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 5:57:07 PM
i like all my exes only i just don't remember them all!

i am really only bitter about q-tips. i don't like the expensive kind that my dumb b1ch sister buys i like the really cheap kind because they penetrate better. i have asked for the cheap kind i am like omg i have a job at walmart now i think i have a say and swear i will not give her any money until i get cheap q-tips. i feel like this is only fair.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 59
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/22/2010 8:02:35 PM
I guess we would have to see all the wrong doing that happens within each broken couple to understand why some of us can be so bitter ( I dont feel bitter, I just feel shortchanged...LOL).
Sometimes in one minute you discover that 20 years were all fake and phony. How would that make you feel?
I believe its easier to not be bitter when you don't love you spouse anymore. If you love him and you get into a divorce situation, its very likely that you suffer and then maybe turn bitter at least temporarily.
If you don't love them, it is less likely. Easier to move on.
In regards to the comment that we loved them at some point, yes we did....but we could have been mislead by a fake great image presented and later found out they were as good as one penny's worth.
I do agree that we need to let go to be able to move on and be happy with our new life.
Just thinking that no matter what happened, we are getting a new chance to be happy and share it with someone else, and hoping this someone else would be what we dream our ideal partner should be.

Best of luck to all recently divorced, separated and/or planning to do so.

G.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 60
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 3:45:27 AM

Given the choice, I think I'd rather have a partner who hated her Ex, than one who is too friendly with their Ex...

My boyfriend (at the time) and I discussed this topic and I mentioned that I was on good terms with every guy I'd ever dated. He said he was on bad terms with every woman he had dated. Surprise, surprise, this one ended badly with some bitterness for awhile. I believe the Seinfeld "bad breaker-upper" episode was based upon him.

Any time there's a pattern, you have to consider the common denominator and any time that pattern is negative, that's a huge red flag (which I obviously didn't pay attention to at the time). And regardless of whatever heinous thing the ex might have done, if a guy is bitter about an ex that tells me that either this is still fresh or he's not someone who lets things go over time so whichever the case, he's not a good prospect for me.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 61
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 4:14:54 AM

I mentioned that I was on good terms with every guy I'd ever dated. He said he was on bad terms with every woman he had dated.
Ha.. I could say exactly the same thing. Now there is only one ex i don't get on with....HIM.. No prizes for guessing why..
 UwillLaff
Joined: 4/27/2010
Msg: 62
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 6:59:00 AM
yes, its tough to "get over it".........but its gotta be done!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 63
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 7:29:52 AM

This is the typical comment from somebody who hasn't suffered abuse. Unfortunately, it's no so clearly cut. Abusers exercise a level of control over the life of the victim that leaves her (or him) with very little options, in emotional terms.

I'm sorry, but that is non-sense. Unless someone is physically restraining you, that person has no control over you unless you allow it.

But realize that abusive situations are complicated and that most people don't know sh!te about them.

It's not complicated. If I were to be abused by my partner, I would walk, even if that meant having to leave with nothing. Remaining in an abusive relationship is a choice.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 64
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 11:03:10 AM
"I continue to find very amusing is how bitter people are towards their ex's"

Then you must be a really lucky to have had such an amicable divorce.
I rarely think of my Ex unless my kids need shoes or school supplies and my budget is stretched to the max. Not supporting your kids in over two years and moving 1200 miles away makes someone an A-hole in my opinion, its a very black and white issue to me.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 65
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 12:45:18 PM
All valid, m_church and pitufina, and important; I applaud your saying it.

But are we not perhaps getting a little off-track here? I took the OP's question to be in regard to ordinary relationships that just don't work out.

Although abuse certainly is one reason one might refer to an ex in derogatory terms!
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 66
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 1:05:14 PM
Couples work together to solve problems, or, they treat each other as the cause of or the problem itself. It's kind of obvious why one approach works and the other leads to ruin. The ones who blamed their spouse and are now looking for someone "better", will repeat the pattern. The new guy or gal will seem good at first, then turn bad. It's the approach taken that makes all the difference. Bitterness is a byproduct of the premise that the OTHER person is to blame. Antagonism somehow doesn't produce harmonious happiness, oddly enough.

In my case, I was the wise team player who viewed our relationship as a partnership, but my ex was a blamer and so that's why we broke up. It was her fault! Grrrr.......women, bah!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 67
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 2:36:14 PM

If you can't afford your kids by yourself maybe you should give the kids to him. Just the way it is.


Wow. As if walking away from my kids, the joys and responsibility for them was even an option. As a parent I signed on for life willingly in good times or bad.

But it is very optimistic of you to think he'd be interested in your suggestion.

I think the OP was referring to people that cannot let go of anger towards the Ex, or let it control their lives. I can't stand the bugger for what he does, but he is the kid's Dad and he needs to be healthy, happy and available for their sake.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 68
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 3:03:48 PM

It takes somebody else to knock you out of it. Your abuser degrades you, your mind, your self worth. You start to believe that what he says it's true and that you deserve it.

You have to have been through it to know what it is.

I can't even believe the excuses you're STILL making. Unless you are literally locked in a basement, abuse does not require another person to get you out of it. At least it doesn't in the United States, so maybe it was different in the location where you endured the abuse. Nobody's arguing that it isn't difficult for a person to remove herself from an abusive relationship but the ability to do so is in her hands. Many people struggle with demons that control their lives-- drugs, alcohol, gambling, food-- and plenty of them are masters at making excuses. But as far as I'm concerned, the person who's bitter because they continue to blame rather than take personal responsibility for their actions, is not a suitable candidate for dating.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 69
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 3:48:28 PM
Well, one of the effects of abuse is psychological. People can become unable to think in the way you would have to be thinking in order to see leaving as an option. In such cases that person has no choice apparent to them, and so in effect has none to make. When they say they had no choice, that is what is meant. To someone else watching, of course the person has a choice. The watcher sees a choice. The actor doesn't see the choice. It's hard to use a door when it is invisible to you. You can blame the person for not being able to see the choice, for not choosing an option they can't see, or whatever if it makes you feel good. That person in the frame of mind they were in was trapped. That is how abuse works sometimes. Being trapped psychologically is a real effect, not some excuse.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 70
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 4:53:29 PM
if I could forgive them
be civil
have respect for them.....
we would probably be still together.
Nope, Exs are Exs for a reason. Next.
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 71
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 4:56:55 PM
"I took the OP's question to be in regard to ordinary relationships that just don't work out."
I think you are onto something here. I can understand that 'ordinary' relationships coming to an end should not warrant bitterness. However, a good portion of bitter people have one particular partner in mind and they have undergone something that leads them to the reaction they have. I don't think one can apply statistics from normal relationships to the responses here, nor can one conclude that dating such a person makes one the next on the sh!tlist. Again, I am sure some are bitter towards all people which is sad.

Could it be that those who don't agree with bitterness had no relationships out of the ordinary while those who do found themselves being the stuff Eminem sings about? I felt as if I was on the stage of a cheap Jerry Springer episode at one point in my life, and that is a world I did not even think I had a valid passport for.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 72
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 8:53:01 PM
Am I the only one who has gone out on dates over the years only to find that the only topic of conversation is the bitterness towards an ex.



The only one Ok I guess the world revolves around You.

Obviously, you didn't the point of the statement.


No, I have never been in a relationship that had events that could turn me bitter. Why, because I would remove from my life anyone who would attempt to mistreat me.
Not being with anyone who would/could turn me bitter is all about me. As it should be.

Sorry, but people who stay in a relation and put up with thing that would turn them bitter needed to put a stop to the behaviour at the first hint of problems.

Money is a big reason people stay in bad relationship. I would give up every thing of financial value rather than being driven to bitterness by another person.

They isolate you from friends and family. Sorry, but any attempt to take the control of my life away from me, and that person is history.

But I love him/her, and things will get better.................please.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 73
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 9:52:30 PM

You don't understand the control over your mind,

No, I don't understand control over someone's mind unless that person is a child.

You could fight if you were hit by a woman, or a man.

Being able to fighting has nothing to do with it. It's about choosing to leave and not fight.

I'm not going to run through specific examples, but I can tell you that I have been hit and forced to stay in a corner.

What stopped you from leaving when you were no longer being physically forced to sit there? Nothing forced you to stay in that relationship other than your own choice to do so.

You spend your days trying to navigate the situation to "not upset him".

You could have just left him.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 74
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 9:58:37 PM
There is something besides physical force at work. The mind deals in ideas, not physics. Perception, belief, emotion, knowledge, are examples of forces other than physical. Just as you are limited by your ideas, so are others. I'm sure if you gave it some thought you could just leave the imprisonment of your ignorance of the subject, and shed the erroneous assertion that holds you. If you don't, it's because you choose to cling to an incorrect idea.

 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 75
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/23/2010 10:42:02 PM

Plus since I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason"

I hate platitudes. Just because you believe this does not make it true, rather silly actually.



"I continue to find very amusing is how bitter people are towards their ex's"

One more thought: Considering that behind many of those stories there's a personal hardship for somebody (financially for the partner, emotionally for the kids, lives shattered), 'amusing' is hardly the appropriate word.

+1, OP makes it sound like all break-ups are no worse than a bad hair day.



why must you take such a lecturing tone? because you're so very much more evolved than the squabbling children around you, and it's your job to set them straight? pfft.

+1



I admit that he wasnt a very nice person to me.....but I would hardly call him the spawn of satan, be bitter towards him, or wish him dead.

Might be interesting to know what he calls you though.


Why people don't just keep it to themselves is because each opportunity to express the wounded hatred proves their worthiness of the awaited vindication.

I went on a date with a supposedly divorced man, actually separated, and he may as well have brought his wife with him as she dominated the entire evening. When persons are still this raw emotionally they should not be dating; it take time to heal.


I think they sometimes even help cause the abuse to happen to get the attention. Just an opinion.

That’s just ignorant.


This is the first comment in years that has made me cry about what I went through. I can't believe somebody could say something like this about domestic violence.

Obviously because he knows nothing about it. The many women who are threatened with death and or death of the children if they leave. The great number of women who are murdered AFTER they get a restraining order. Yeah, they loved the attention.
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