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 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 76
being so bitter towards an exPage 4 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
"I like beer tho."
Beer is bitter...
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 77
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 3:02:11 AM


Considering that behind many of those stories there's a personal hardship for somebody (financially for the partner, emotionally for the kids, lives shattered), 'amusing' is hardly the appropriate word.

I agree with this thought completely. Ubër déclassé to use such blasé words to describe what for many has been an extremely traumatic experience.

^^^Completely agree.

I don't have to have lived the lives of many here to have empathy for those involved. I don't see the vast majority of the stuff here as 'amusing'; rather it's often starkly sad, often draining to see how people can get their lives churned up--even if at their own hand.

I too am not a machine. No matter how many relationships I get into, I can't foresee how things will end nor what emotional havoc I may undergo--I choose to keep things private, but I've learned a lot from folks that can, and do share their story. Inspiration and admiration can from all variety of people just chugging along doing their own thing. That's overwhelmingly the reason for me coming back. I get that these forums can be 'instant' available therapy for some, and accordingly, take care in my remarks.

Rarely is the grist of one's pain and disappointment fodder for my enjoyment or entertainment in real life or online.

People can become unable to think in the way you would have to be thinking in order to see leaving as an option. In such cases that person has no choice apparent to them, and so in effect has none to make. When they say they had no choice, that is what is meant. To someone else watching, of course the person has a choice. The watcher sees a choice. The actor doesn't see the choice. It's hard to use a door when it is invisible to you. You can blame the person for not being able to see the choice, for not choosing an option they can't see, or whatever if it makes you feel good. That person in the frame of mind they were in was trapped. That is how abuse works sometimes. Being trapped psychologically is a real effect, not some excuse.

^^^True. Very well-stated.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 78
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 7:28:57 AM
but you do not know the full story as to why they are getting slagged off and they are an ex.

The ``full story'' is irrelevant. An ex is in the past. What's relevant is the present. If you're bitter about your ex, you're living in the past, not the present.

There are a lot of people on here who did NOTHING to break the relationship up and are absolutely innocent, and it might surprise you to learn that it can be one sided.

Although that would not surprise me, that is also irrelevant. See above.

Some people who are now ex's can turn out to be a character you would not recognise from the person you initially thought was for you and grew to love, having expended a lot of time and effort to form a relationship with.

So, is your argument that because you wasted a lot time and effort on someone who turned out to be different from the person you thought he was, that you should continue to invest more time and effort on this person by being bitter so that this person can continue to have a negative affect on your life? Even if I assume that the ex is 100% at fault in a very nasty breakup, the ex is gone after the breakup. If you're bitter, it's your choice to be bitter and you are responsible for how that affects your future relationships. I choose to get over my exes so that I have no feelings for them at all, good or bad. Because of that, I don't have any baggage for my fiancee to deal with.

Maybe one day you will learn and will then not find it so amusing.

Amusing? No. I'd say it's more like I'm bewildered by people who consider themselves intelligent, yet are unable to figure out that they are responsible for how they feel and that how they feel is a choice that they and only they can make.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 79
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 12:21:21 PM
"the problem comes in when the less emotional, colder individual wrongly sees himself as stronger, because he's not stronger, he's just less emotional and colder. And then add that he has no idea what it's like to be the other person, has never lived the other person's life, and hasn't had the same experiences as the other person. This can form a very arrogant person without understanding and without compassion. "

Problem with that is after years of dealing with people, and watching them abuse themselves with bitterness. Watching them bang their heads against and wall, and not learning no matter how many times multiple people show understanding/compassion to them people don't learn the lesson, what are we to do.

Same thing goes for people in abusive relationship. After we try to help others over the years, and they continue to be or stay in abusive relationships we realize that no matter how much understand and compassion we show, nothing will change.
 Beyond the Cleavage
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 80
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 2:12:46 PM
What your ex did to you or what you did to your ex isn't irrelevent. But it's just plain bad manners to spill to strangers. Do you go to job interviews and whine on about former bosses? It's just not the time or place and its the same with first dates or whatever.
If you want to keep the mood bouyant and enjoy yourself, don't bring it all down by moaning and b1tching. I think people who do this - and I've experienced it plenty - are looking for sympathy. Me as a person is irrelevant. They're being emotional vampires in a way.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 81
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 4:45:38 PM

You would not find it amusing if you had been on the end of a particularly, nasty break up through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN!

Truthfully, how often do you think a person is absolutely flawless in a relationship? As I (and others) have mentioned, there's a certain degree of personal responsibility for your own choices and actions that have to be taken in order to learn, grow and move on. Look at the situation with Tiger Woods and his wife. You could say it wasn't her fault that he stuck his dick in every cocktail waitress West of the Rockies but she did make the choice to marry a young, attractive, filthy rich, international superstar and the probability of this happening was high. It's like marrying someone with stage IV cancer and then being surprised when he actually dies.

But this thread isn't about being wronged in some way-- most people have surely felt they were wronged in some relationships or at least in the breakups. This thread is about the lingering bitterness, which I believe is a strong indicator that the person still cares and if they still care, they're not ready to move on. Some people never let go of that bitterness and they just deteriorate into miserable people with miserable relationships.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 82
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 5:08:58 PM
I've never been one to tell people how they should feel,,,including biterness towards an ex. I may help them in figuring out why they FEEL the way they do,,,but to tell a person they shouldn't FEEL the way they do is basically retarded. Once we all have figured out why we FEEL the way we do, we can change those things,,,and then our feelings will follow.

You first LOVED a person because of many things. Why wouldn't you feel bitterness for the OTHER things that they did to you later?????? Are we all suppose to be robots are something?????

I will agree that after a certain amount of time that people should figure out their feelings,,,,but initially, bitterness and anger are NOT always a bad thing.Keeping that bitterness and anger INSIDE, I will suggest is more dangerous than venting. Maybe that's why seperated and recently divorced are not the best people to date?????
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 83
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 5:45:48 PM
I totally agree with the comments made by Boudicca Lives ...

when a person goes into a job interview and bad-mouths his/her previous employers, that's a GIVEN that the potential employer is going to look toward a different applicant ... WHY would I hire someone who is spreading all over town the "bad things done to him/her" by a previous employer? that's NOT someone I'd want as an employee ...

when a person goes into a "meet and greet" 1st date and bad-mouths his/her previous lover ... ditto ...

I don't know about the rest of you but ... I just don't appreciate sitting thru an entire "meet and greet," listening to a bunch of hate-filled negativity ... all that sifting through old garbage might be something someone else would watch on a soap-opera ... or one of those "reality" ... "tell-all" t.v. shows!

I'm looking for someone interested in starting a NEW relationship, NOT someone who's living in the past and still rehashing OLD relationships!

if a person is still rehashing, blaming, accusing, etc. previous lovers ... that person isn't ready to be dating!

I sure don't want to date an emotional vampire, sucking all the happiness out of my being!!
 Demedoll
Joined: 8/8/2010
Msg: 84
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 7:39:18 PM
I haven't noticed anyone from this point of view but... I am the "evil ex"
hahaha!

I really wish my ex fiance didn't see me as "evil" but I have a feeling he will view me as this forever.
I agree with the original poster, it's never 100% ONE persons fault. There are things that both parties contribute (usually) to the demise of the relationship.

I harbor no ill feelings towards the man but the feeling is definitely NOT mutual.

And you know what? It REALLY sucks to know that you are the "evil ex" when both parties acknowledged there were things that could have been improved to possibly value add to the relationship instead of kill it. Unless it is so toxic (in some cases) that it makes no sense to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Or even doing different things (as was our case) and getting the SAME results.

But hey... what can you do? I did what I could, so did he and in the end, we were just the right people...for someone else. ^_~
 Demedoll
Joined: 8/8/2010
Msg: 85
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 7:40:30 PM
And Molly, I love your point of view! So very very true. :-)
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 86
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/24/2010 9:55:04 PM
Many women are the "evil ex's" just because they had the balls to leave!
I have a guy acquaintance that calls his ex every name in the book.....just because she left his lying, cheating, manipulative, verbally abusive ass
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 87
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 8:30:12 AM
It's mildly amusing, both sides. I have no feelings towards my ex, good or bad. She was simply and error in judgment. I had a fair divorce, and wasn't put through the ringer, but then we were on pretty even footing when it came to things like salary, pensions, etc etc, no kids, no games etc etc. Sometimes people are pushed to limits through the legal system (remember, we have a legal system, not a justice system) and I can see how someone can be bitter after losing alot through a divorc, which brings me to my main point.


Choose your spouse wisely. Find someone in a similar boat, so it it all goes to hell, you won't be taking it up the a$$.
 Demedoll
Joined: 8/8/2010
Msg: 88
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 3:18:47 PM

Many women are the "evil ex's" just because they had the balls to leave!
I have a guy acquaintance that calls his ex every name in the book.....just because she left his lying, cheating, manipulative, verbally abusive ass


LOL!!!! I'll drink to that!
 asalloutdoors
Joined: 12/13/2007
Msg: 89
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 4:31:51 PM
OP, I totally agree.
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 90
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 4:34:06 PM
"she left his lying, cheating, manipulative, verbally abusive ass"
I see where you are coming from and second leaving such a person. It took me less than three weeks from finding out to filing at the divorce lawyer's office because the actual decision is a no-brainer.

Oddly, if a man says those words about the woman, he gets 'you are bitter' instead of 'LOL' and a toast. Maybe this 'bitterness' serves as a good strawman in some cases. Well, I learned a bit from this thread as some posts were insightful.
 Demedoll
Joined: 8/8/2010
Msg: 91
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 5:42:32 PM

Oddly, if a man says those words about the woman, he gets 'you are bitter' instead of 'LOL' and a toast. Maybe this 'bitterness' serves as a good strawman in some cases. Well, I learned a bit from this thread as some posts were insightful.


Wolf...that just isn't true. No one should have to put up with a "lying, cheating, manipulative, verbally abusive ass" Man or woman. If it were a woman (and I have known women like this) then I would equally applaud and drink to the guy for getting out of the relationship!

That scenario in reverse doesn't happen often but it does happen.
 Demedoll
Joined: 8/8/2010
Msg: 92
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 5:44:54 PM

Oddly, if a man says those words about the woman, he gets 'you are bitter' instead of 'LOL' and a toast. Maybe this 'bitterness' serves as a good strawman in some cases. Well, I learned a bit from this thread as some posts were insightful.


On a side note, I especially applauded that comment because, what she pointed out, is exactly why I left a man who turned out to be just that!
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 93
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2010 6:05:25 PM
"No one should have to put up with ..."
I agree, my point was about calling the other person those words can make you be perceived as bitter, that's all (see OP).

"That scenario in reverse doesn't happen often but it does happen"
I don't follow. Are you suggesting that women don't lie, cheat and manipulate near as often as men? I'd say this has little to nothing to do with the sex, but instead with individual character.
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 94
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/27/2010 9:23:42 PM

Most people dont realize that "forgiveness" isnt for the other person, it is a gift you give to yourself. It allows you to move past whatever has transpired and go forward with an open, loving heart. People who cant forgive and live their lives playing the blame game, get consumed with their own self-righteousness and indignation, then continue to dig themselves a deeper and deeper hole, until all that is left is bitterness.

You cant change the past by being bitter and angry, and it sure as heck wont help with the future. Some never seem to realize this, they are too blinded by hatred.


Quoted for truth.

Forgive them, then forget them, and then move on in control of your life. I've always felt that "hating" someone is simply the reverse of loving them. They're still connected to you, and (in a sense) still controlling you.

To me, as I've said many times, the secret is returning them to the place they were five minutes before you met them.

Your life's ahead of you, not behind you.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 95
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/28/2010 12:49:27 AM
You raise some very good points!!! We seem to share similar views om several things so please, allow me to elaborate a little!


Isn't this a person you claimed to have loved once??


I always add in my replies to those threads that they did not love them since, they loved the person who they thought they were. As they came to see more and more who they really were, the relationship began to deteriorate.

So who's fault was that? EACH person is ALWAYS 100% responsible for what they do in life. So in a relationship, each person had chosen to be involved in it and add their own 100% so if it breaks up in the end, each is responsible for their own 100% and not “it's their fault that...”. But given our society today, it is always much easier to blame the other person.


shouldnt you give thought to how previous relationships make you into the person you are today?


Of course you should but again, most people are bent on simply finding someone who does not do the things that irritated them... until new things are found and then is another break up.


They build character and make you stronger


They can or, they simply add to the hurt of all your past failed attempts. The best thing to do is to look at yourself and asl yourself “What did I add to this breakup?”. But of course, pride comes into play and people just don't do that.


So why cant some just let it go, chalk it up to experience, and move on??


Why would you just “let it go”? That experience is a vast amount of experience for you to learn from and look at your own 100% and see who you were at that time. If you just “put it behind you and move forward”, your setting yourself up to repeat the same mistakes you did in the past.

Just my thoughts :)
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 96
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/28/2010 2:51:12 AM
Have you ever given thought to what you did to contribute to the break up?
No one is perfect and 100% innocent.
Why doesnt anyone seem to accept the fact that it takes two to make and break a relationship and it is never ever one sided.
Plus since I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" shouldnt you give thought to how previous relationships make you into the person you are today?
They build character and make you stronger.


These are not facts but meaningless platitudes to those who have seen differently. To deny the possibility of an outrage is to allow it to continue. It would be hard to persude me that those in the World Trade Center were as guilty as Bin Laden using the silly "it takes two to tango" theory. Can it really be that all these shelters and the dykes that staff them are unnecesary? The trull that gets a broken jaw has no gripe. It was partly her fault anyway and she should go back and get stronger.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 97
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 7:47:46 AM

Most of the time I don't even think about him any more. BUT...when I get home after a shift, turn on my cell phone to a dozen nasty text messages that make no sense, after many months of peace and quiet(kind of like he was drunk-dialling but in his case, was high on crack)...I do have a day or so of feeling bitter and wishing the earth would swallow him up.


That was exactly my point earlier, most of us have moved on but you have little control over the abusive person that fails to move on themselves. I work, I take care of my kids, I have friends and a life. But all it takes is one nasty phone call, letter, email or another expensive trip to court to re-hash the same issues (that the judge always finds in my favor) to make me spend a week or so in a real funk. I want my Ex to have complete access to his kids, talk to them daily and leave me alone. Not too much to ask.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 98
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 8:14:53 AM
I agree with whenwillthiswork and Carolann... Forgiveness, finding peace for ones self is wonderful, but it's extremely hard to maintain when an abusive personality continues to interject themselves into your life. It's very hard to forgive a person who doesn't acknowledge or demonstrate any remorse for having mistreated you, or feels entitled to continue to do so. It's like a never ending crime-in-progress.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 99
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 9:06:39 AM

I agree with whenwillthiswork and Carolann... Forgiveness, finding peace for ones self is wonderful, but it's extremely hard to maintain when an abusive personality continues to interject themselves into your life. It's very hard to forgive a person who doesn't acknowledge or demonstrate any remorse for having mistreated you, or feels entitled to continue to do so. It's like a never ending crime-in-progress.


I can understand this..However why must people insist on letting their whole world know how they feel about their ex's?
I realize that some have had to endure alot of different crap in the break down of a relationship. But why must they come into places like a public dating forum and rehash all their feelings about how their ex did them wrong? Why must they call them nasty names and make sure everyone including future potential mates know how they feel they were wronged?
It all seems so adolescent to me.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 100
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 9:15:40 AM

It all seems so adolescent to me.
You're right, finding amusement in this is so much more mature.

Or better yet, pointing out someone else's deficiencies while sitting on a pedestal... yes, that's so much better.
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