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 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 101
being so bitter towards an exPage 5 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
"But why must they come into places like a public dating forum and rehash all their feelings about how their ex did them wrong?"
I think it has a lot to do with the topic. You see, SOMEBODY asked the question to which everybody else posts answers.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 102
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 10:20:15 AM

why must people insist on letting their whole world know how they feel about their ex's?
The forums are a place where people express their thoughts on every topic known to man.... I've learned more than I ever hoped to know about people's sexual preferences, who should pay for what, when the correct time to have sex is... I think it's just another topic that tends to be on people's minds, from time to time. Sometimes people need a place to vent, and get it out of their system. It's not really that unhealthy, to have a little rant, as long as it doesn't become a long term commitment to victim status. Maybe someone can provide a response that will alter their perspective, and help them start feeling a little better, or maybe they'll just find some comraderie among other people who can relate to how they're feeling. Sometimes it's easier to find that solace with strangers, than burden our friends and family with all that. But everyone needs to figure out how to work through these things in a way that works for them. I'm not trying to be a smartass here, but why not just skip over the threads or posts you don't find appealing?
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 103
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:54:07 PM

Or better yet, pointing out someone else's deficiencies while sitting on a pedestal... yes, that's so much better.


YES!! LMAO as a matter of fact...it is!!


I'm not trying to be a smartass here, but why not just skip over the threads or posts you don't find appealing?

who said anything about not finding these threads or posts "appealing"?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 104
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 3:14:09 PM
^^^^^^^^ Have ya read any of the comments about the need or requirment to vent????? It's something humans NEED to do. Hiding your emotions or feelings(or as you would call it,,,,controlling these emotions) is not always a good thing. Oh yeah,,,I've said that here,,,,but it still needs to be repeated,it seems. Venting is GOOD for the soul just as much as forgiving is. The only problem with venting is that it sometimes is a lot louder, and people with rose coloured glasses don't enjoy listening to such.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 105
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 3:59:59 PM

who said anything about not finding these threads or posts "appealing"?
My mistake. You said you find it juvenile, and it never occurred to me that juvenile would be appealing. Shame on me....
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 106
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 4:17:47 PM

My mistake. You said you find it juvenile, and it never occurred to me that juvenile would be appealing. Shame on me....


Your play on words is also amusing!!

If you are going to quote me..please get it right!!

Thank you and have a nice day!
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 107
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 5:08:43 PM
better someone should rant and rave and call names and be bitter ... IN THE FORUMS ...
than to go out into the world and spread their frustration, anger, fury, whatever to the innocent ...

as pointed out, if someone is venting ... (I love that word ... remember the first time I heard it ... great word, "venting" ... people are not being negative, God forbid ... they're just "venting") ... IN THE FORUMS ... and it's distasteful to the reader ... then the reader has the option of just not reading it ...

whereas, if people are "venting" out in the real world ... it's sometimes harder to avoid

e.g., you're working in the SAME office and you can hear that person's voice going on and on and on and on, the volume going higher and higher ... "venting" ... I worked in an office for 11 YEARS where SOMEONE was continually "venting" about SOMETHING ... well, ok ... it was more like ONE PERSON was continually "venting" about SOMEONE else ... or multiples of someone elses!!

I truly do empathize with those who are still in such pain or anger or frustration or whatever that they still need to "vent" ... and here in the forums ... is a wonderful place to do it ...

there used to be a WONDERFUL club ... throughout the state of California ... called "ADAPT" ... stood for "Aid in Divorce Adjustment Problems for Today" ... man! I went to that club for MONTHS after my last divorce, venting my head off! ...

the forums are today's ADAPT clubs!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 108
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 5:52:03 PM
Have ya read any of the comments about the need or requirment to vent????? It's something humans NEED to do. Hiding your emotions or feelings(or as you would call it,,,,controlling these emotions) is not always a good thing. Oh yeah,,,I've said that here,,,,but it still needs to be repeated,it seems. Venting is GOOD for the soul just as much as forgiving is. The only problem with venting is that it sometimes is a lot louder, and people with rose coloured glasses don't enjoy listening to such.

Yep, venting is something people do. The problem is (or can be) where they do it. Complaining about your exes to potential new dates is sort of counter productive - but by all means, call your friends up and have a field day. That's what your friends are for, not new dates.
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 109
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 6:06:34 PM
"call your friends up and have a field day. That's what your friends are for"
We are now taking a short excursion to the LJBF thread:
"Sure, we can be friends after you rejected me. Now let me tell you all about my bad ex..." (hehe)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 110
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 6:12:31 PM
^^^Nice try. I'm talking about your long time, close friends. Good one tho!
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 111
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/29/2010 11:30:09 PM
I can understand this..However why must people insist on letting their whole world know how they feel about their ex's?
I realize that some have had to endure alot of different crap in the break down of a relationship. But why must they come into places like a public dating forum and rehash all their feelings about how their ex did them wrong? Why must they call them nasty names and make sure everyone including future potential mates know how they feel they were wronged?
It all seems so adolescent to me.


It is not human nature for the target of an atrocity to cheerfully go about their merry way. I would go so far as to say, that suffering in silence is monstorous and only for those who are less than human. At the dawn of time, Abel's blood cried out from the ground to the Lord. In today's world we have the exclaimations "Never Again" and "By any means necessary". You hurt someone, then what is so surprising if the say "Ouch"?

I don't buy the crapola about if they can get you to react then they have power over you. Of course they do. The world made it that way. If all Mandella had to do was ignore apartheid then why did he have the ANC topple the Deklerk government? Isn't that admitting the RSA government had power over him? If you don't react then you are sub-human.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 112
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/30/2010 10:19:23 AM
^^ Sure. But if you're still suffering, you're not ready to date.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 113
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/30/2010 11:14:10 AM
Helen said it EXACTLY ...

... "... if you're STILL suffering, you're not ready to date."

it is a real pity that the ADAPT clubs died ... because they filled a real need ... Oprah said yesterday that the only thing people want is to be heard and understood ...

I think people also want and need a lot more than to be heard and understood ... but that IS a BIG ONE!

jumping back into the dating pond while you're still suffering ... i.e., not ready to date ... may be the biggest reason for the subsequent failures of next relationships ... everyone is in such a hurry ...
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 114
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/31/2010 10:03:35 PM
Sure. But if you're still suffering, you're not ready to date.

Since suffering IS the human conditon, there would be no good way not to. It is just a matter of degree. I do agree that if one's suffering is all consuming then one cannot give the proper attention to another. On the other hand. the right person can be the best cure for someone who wound up with the wrong one.

I don't think that I am alone when I say. there is nothing more disgusting than someone who is "above" everything. People who make themselves serene,throw themselves into their glorious hobbies and cheerully proclaim how self-contained they are deserve nothing but contempt. Never trust a man who is too satisfied, too busy or too righteous.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 115
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/1/2010 1:38:44 AM
I am very bitter in regards to my ex, because he left me for no decent reason. I have lived an, extreme, lonely, solitary, exile with no fulfillment and no relationship for over 5 years since he left for no real reason.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 116
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/1/2010 5:56:49 AM
People who hold in all of the pain they are feeling eventually explode. That is why it is better to get it all out of their system. If they have no close friends to tell it to then I do not see any reason why they cannot "vent" about it to complete strangers. I "vented" to online strangers using "Yahoo Messenger" many years ago. I wish sometimes I could just give those people a hug and tell them how much they helped me get over all the hurt and pain I was feeling. In the end it has made me feel so much better and it was better to get it out with them then some poor unsuspecting date.

Cat Eyes........you go ahead and vent. It isn't fun to feel extremely lonely, lacking fulfillment, exiled and solitaire.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 117
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/1/2010 6:59:01 AM
I don't think anyone's advising people to bottle their feelings up. Obviously working through grief whether something like a breakup which is more of an emotional thing to job or home loss, death, illness or something more urgent, it's a natural thing to want to talk [to others] about it. It's part of the healing process - so those of you who are going on and on about people who think they are above grief, relax.

This is more about being ready to jump into a new thing when you're not past the old one - and knowing who to vent to and when. It's great to call friends and family or even find a support group or therapy (you can even get closure in an empty room if you talk out loud, write your thoughts on paper since it's about the process of sorting it out, not who's listening) to unburden your anger, your fear, your grief, etc during a life changing event.

Venting on dates with potential new prospects is a two-fold no-no. First, you need to be in a place where you're no longer venting to even date objectively. Second, getting to know a new person is not where you want to complain about the old one. As a poster mentioned earlier in the thread, it's no different than being pissed off about your job loss and complaining about it in an interview for a new job. It's bad form, and won't be endearing to someone who's considering hiring you. It may not be pleasant to know that, but that's the way it is. Believe me, I've done it in my younger years - and been turned down for a job because of it and than been told that it was the dealbreaker.

So no one's saying don't have feelings, or don't talk to people about something that's bothering you. They are saying coming to a place where you're supposed to be wanting to date new people (if that's why you're here - some aren't) and posting threads badmouthing your ex or doing so in person on dates is counter productive and only shows your inability to be able to move forward.
 RockinDaze
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 118
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/1/2010 8:44:40 AM
Real humans have real grief. To each their own healing progress through it. Unless you are looking to fill an empty space it is probably not best to immediately involve potential love interests during your pain and suffering.

I have banged my head on the wall and wrote many a poem thru sufferage. Occasionally I like to share these poems to help others thru their sufferage as well. I always take breaks during these spells. I will admit that there has been an occassion that pain has flared it's ugly head when I thought that all was clear. Sometimes, matters of the heart do that. So, I take another break or I take it slower. So, all of you guys that think when a gal asks to take it slow it may not always mean go away. Sometimes it means that you have touched her heart.

Sorry, a little off subject again....
 melaniee9999
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 119
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/1/2010 7:19:27 PM
Dear Rain,
I hope you never find out Which 2 it takes to make it or break it.
I can tell you with much certainty that it isn't generally the innocent partner who is l or the 2...........
The world today has changed to a sad extent. Many men think with thier brain in the wrong place. There are many women out there who are waiting to captivate these fools. Few can resist the temptation of their entertainment with them.
I give Tiger Woods wife credit............At least she knows she deserves better..... I am sure she does not feel she contributed to his behaviour nor should she.
Why do they turn into such terrible people.?.......they have no morals or respect for themself.
You should really get educated on a subject before you make comments like you did.
It is obvious to me you do not have much of a clue about causes a marriage to fail.
Now might be a good time to check ii out before you are at the other end of one.
Plenty of good reading material on the subject.


.
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 120
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/2/2010 3:13:09 AM
Sometimes it means that you have touched her heart.
Maybe so but we can't encourage guy to withstand the cold dismissal for very long. After all, women who are into you will move heaven and Earth to rush things along. Maybe her heart is touched but she will never admit it to him. The more demonstative ones don't love any less. It is a risk to hang on to the unavailable.

Not once have any of the slow ones ever thawed out... not once. If she isn't forcing her way into your life then time to offer yourself to somebody different. Not out of crassness but out of a recognition of realities. It might just be bad timing. Still bad timing is bad timing. Can't fight that.
 RockinDaze
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 121
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/2/2010 9:22:35 AM
RealisticRomantic, I'm not going to throw this thread anymore off course than I almost did but I am curious as to why you think not jumping in head first and/or not "forcing their way in" is heartless and a sign of being unavailable? like a bull in a china shop kinda thing? lol (kidding, but you get it I hope)
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 122
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/2/2010 9:30:10 AM
The majority of people answering seem to respond to questions about Exes if asked, like on this forum. We don't wallow in grief or spew garbage 24/7, in fact most people abhor that kind of behavior. It makes you boring.
But when the wound is fresh some can go through the angry guy or crazy Ex GF phase. It happens. I have seen male acquaintances belong to the 'He-Man Woman Haters Club' for about a year or until they start getting laid again on a regular basis.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 123
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/2/2010 11:37:35 AM
I believe it is ones mind learning to protect itself. If you never take a self defense course and you are attacked, You are helpless however, if you know how defend against the attack you have a better chance of walking away.

So when a person is wronged by someone that should be protecting them the "bitterness" is just a way for the brain to keep the pain fresh enough to learn how to defend against a later attack.

How many on here has learned a lesson that way? Bitterness is like any other emotion. A way to learn. The trick is not to let it take over!!!
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 124
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/2/2010 12:40:31 PM
I am curious as to why you think not jumping in head first and/or not "forcing their way in" is heartless and a sign of being unavailable? like a bull in a china shop kinda thing? lol (kidding, but you get it I hope)

Legit queston. I only wish that I could reply by email but your restrictions don't permit it. It doesn't make them heartless it makes them a poorer investment of time. These days keeping things arms length seems to be the fashion. There is no way for a guy to tell if her response is a passing fad or an ingrained attitude. The only way for a guy to be sure that he is working on something solid is to favor those who make it obvious. The less direct may, infact, be good people. However they are intermingled among the invincibly aloof. There is always the risk of waiting... and waiting... and waiting for someone who is dedicated to her dogs and actually has no use for him beyond occasional entertainment.

Women that are inflexible and disintrested are held out as examples by the sisterhood. I merely propose that men regard being "too needy" as a small flaw that should be taken in stride and not the dealbreaker that it often is. They might be an imposition but they are also as ernest in seeking a relationship as any. The slow may or may not be. Since it is the current rage to mimic the qualities and speech of the obstinate, the only way to really distinguish prospects from the hopeless is to focus on those who reject stalling.

It would be so much better for everyone if the go slow fad were replaced by a paint the hall fad. There would be so much less stress and ambiguity if those who want a relationship felt that they were allowed to say so without universal scorn.
 RockinDaze
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 125
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/3/2010 8:51:54 PM
Point taken. Still have to say that the "poor investment of time" thing does sting somewhat but it is always good to acquire another perspective. Every forethought helps eh? I actually like the "paint the hall" concept though. Happy Hydrolyzing!
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