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 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 126
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being so bitter towards an exPage 6 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

I am very bitter in regards to my ex, because he left me for no decent reason. I have lived an, extreme, lonely, solitary, exile with no fulfillment and no relationship for over 5 years since he left for no real reason.


Perhaps something to reflect on, that I posted here a long time ago.


The Sermon Of The Key, And Of The Chains.

If you are ever going through some tough times, here's a little thought from me that might help to make that journey a little easier.

One day, in that darkness of the darkest night of the soul, he had put his hand out in front of him, fist clenched, and palm up.

When he slowly opened up his fist, he noticed something there that he'd never ever seen before, something that had been there all that time, but unnoticed and hidden to his view.

Now it was revealed to him, a tiny golden key that fit perfectly into every lock, on every chain, that had ever held him. He realized that he'd actually placed them all on himself (quite willingly, if the truth be told) , and that he had always had that key.

Once freed of those chains, he was forever also free of making the same mistake ever again. It had taken a long time, but one sometimes has to pay a heavy price to learn a valuable lesson.

And thus endeth the sermon of the Key and of the Chains, on a rainy and cold Sunday Montreal evening....



 thechee
Joined: 6/20/2010
Msg: 127
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/4/2010 10:00:30 AM
I am pretty bitter about my recent breakup. I had dated a bit, but had not had a relationship in over a year until I met HIM. He pursued me like crazy, told me how much he cared...blah blah blah that was until I started having feelings of love in return for him and then in 'one day' literally, he did a 180 and wasn't sure anymore.

The bad thing is.... it was his actions that told me his feelings had changed...he would not come out and verbally just tell me what was on his mind. I broke it off and it hurt like hell and I guess the bitterness is just a way to replace the pain.

Live and learn. Good thread.
 Mitochondrion
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 128
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/4/2010 10:49:33 PM
I would assume any need to speak negatively about anyone without being prompted to with a proper context indicates that the individual making said insults has unchecked feelings, that they themselves either deny, or are unaware of.

I've no need to talk negatively about my exes, it serves no purpose other than to show that I care. and since I do not....
 a_wiseguy67
Joined: 7/25/2010
Msg: 129
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/5/2010 12:48:56 AM
~Rain~

I will say this about my ex. I will never talk very ill about her. On some level I still love her as a human being and wish her well. She and I were toxic together. Ammonia isn't bad by itself. Neither is Bleach. Together they can kill you over time. We were that kind of combination. I figured it out in December of 08, made strides to get loose from her and move on. I don't call her names even after she decided that she needed to call me an N-bomb with our kids present (She's Chinese-Irish BTW, didn't sit well with me, especially since I was the bread winner in the house). When asked I just say "We just didn't work out" and leave it there

The longer I think about it the more a friend's saying makes sense. "Why let someone you don't like live rent free in your head?" And I let that anger go.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 130
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/16/2010 3:44:05 AM
I think it is possible for one party to be largely responsible for the break up of a relationship due to their behaviour or attitude but, what we have to keep in mind is that WE picked that person to be with in the first place and maybe they deceived us through no fault of our own but, usually they deceived us because we chose to ignore a whole butt load of warning signs prior to getting heavily involved with them.

Regardless of whether we were a willing, or an unwilling dupe, constantly complaining about an ex that we spent months or years of our lives with starts to make people wonder why we were so stupid as to be with them in the first place. So, whether we are right or wrong in our negative assessment of our exes, it is best to keep the ranting to ourselves or a few close friends rather than sharing that with the world becaues it only makes us look like morons for putting up with it.

This should not even be a debate in your mind if the badmouthing you are doing is in front of children you had together. All children of parents that want to complain about each other after a break up (who are old enough to do so) should look the offending parent(s) in the face and say the following: "If dad/mom is such a b***h / p***k why did you marry them/ get involved with them and have kids with them in the first place. The only person/ people who did not have a choice in the two of you hooking up is me/us and now I/we have to listen to you tear the other person down. That is my mother/father you are talking about, just keep that in mind."

Children will see things the way they really are as they grow older, you don't have to beat them over the head with the other parents bad behaviour in a bid to win some affection war or just make yourself feel better.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 131
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/16/2010 8:47:30 AM

Why doesnt anyone seem to accept the fact that it takes two to make and break a relationship and it is never ever one sided.



No it only takes one to break a relationship especially if someone cheated, stole money or for what ever reason did something to loose your trust. I think that for what ever reason they broke up with you makes all the good you saw in them null and void especially if they didn't something terrible like cheat , even if they didn't do something terrible it still makes the good you saw null and void because they are breaking up with you. If the relationship was so good they wouldn't be leaving.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 132
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/17/2010 1:18:27 PM
Here is something to reflect upon for all of those who think ex bashing is a good hobby

The opposite of love is not hate, they are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of love is indifference.

So, when you no longer care what that person did, what they are now doing, who they are with, and what life holds for them, you can truly say you are over them. If you do still care about any, or all, of that you haven't let them go and the only person you are really putting down by advertising that fact is you. If they hurt you, learn from it. If you loved them and lost them, learn from that. Don't ignore the lessons previous relationships taught you but, don't cling to the pain of them either.
 She_moves
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 133
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/18/2010 9:42:12 AM
Sometimes it can be ones way of just coping with the fact it is over. Instead of crying over the ex and missing them, it is easier to turn them into little devils that we should be glad to be rid off. Call it a defence mechanism. Nothing wrong with that.

What I wonder over is why do you worry about how other people coping with their ex's?
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 134
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:51:36 AM

Agree it takes two too love,but only one can cause the pain.


People dont cause emotional pain out of intent. There is usually a reason that the person being hurt doesnt want to admit
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 135
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:53:21 AM

People dont cause emotional pain out of intent. There is usually a reason that the person being hurt doesnt want to admit
Sounds like you're blaming the victim for the crime...
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 136
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/26/2010 11:02:50 AM
Yes, in most relationship breakdown cases...Thats they way it is
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 137
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/26/2010 11:12:02 AM
I think it depends on the situation. Hit me on the wrong day and someone would think I still had unresolved feelings about my ex because he still does numerous things regularly that hurt my kids. Most of the time the kids try to ignore it and I don't even have to try, I just don't really listen to any of it but every now and again he does something that hurts one of them so much that I might have a choice word or two about him for a day or less.

I don't think it necessarily means the person still has anything for the ex if they are still letting themselves be pissed about the ex all the time, they just haven't let go of the hurt and anger and until they do, just probably someone you don't want to be around.

What you see as bitter and negative could be part of their process of getting those feelings out. I think we've all seen people who seemed really pissy that over time, the tone and content of posts change as they start to heal.

My ex is bipolar. He can be a nice utterly charming individual and he can be mean as hell, most of the time he is probably somewhere in-between the two extremes. Many people become horrid during a relationship or during and after a break-up. If all they show a person is the Mr. Hyde, it is pretty easy to forget who Dr. Jekyll was. I consciously remind myself that under the crazy there is a good guy and I focus on my kids navigating dealing with a father that will likely be difficult for the rest of their lives.

I suspect when someone is still in biatching mode, there is a little part of them that is still wishing the Ed or Jane would be like Ed and Jane were when they met. I think when I no longer cared if he did change, and I stopped trying to figure out why he did things he did, he lost the ability to actually hurt me.


I will say this about my ex. I will never talk very ill about her. On some level I still love her as a human being and wish her well. She and I were toxic together...."Why let someone you don't like live rent free in your head?"

Nice post, particularly with the human being and wishing well.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 138
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/28/2010 12:52:24 PM
"WOW!!!....I dont get all the defensiveness!!! It was just a comment on an observation. (LMAO) "

Ya'know... people who laugh their asses off,. end up ass-less and in your case, that would be a shame... Just an observation.
But on the subject, you are right, usually both parties are to blame, but that doesen't mean the blame is shared equally... it can be anywhere from 60-40% to 95-5% or even 99-1%.. Now My last ex, was truely a psychotic, MY fault was failing to REALIZE it! There were good clues like her pet name for me.."Rat-**stard" (I thought things were getting better, since I'd moved up from the origonal "Piss-ant" insect, to "rodent" status
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 139
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/28/2010 12:54:26 PM
"People dont cause emotional pain out of intent. There is usually a reason that the person being hurt doesnt want to admit"


Oh and YES they DO! at least MY ex went out of her way to but she was/is truely pure-evil ..it was also part of her DNA,. her Mom was the same...(I just pick them oOOOOOoooooh sOOOOoooo well! )
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 140
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/28/2010 1:07:43 PM
onenightengagement said: "I think it is possible for one party to be largely responsible for the break up of a relationship due to their behaviour or attitude but, what we have to keep in mind is that WE picked that person to be with in the first place and maybe they deceived us through no fault of our own but, usually they deceived us because we chose to ignore a whole butt load of warning signs prior to getting heavily involved with them."
DAMNIT,.. I HATE it when they're right,.. and you can't say a damn thing about it!
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 141
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/28/2010 1:10:50 PM
The only ex i am bitter about is the one who im reminded of everytime i look in the mirror thanks to broken jaw and nose.
Hey.. you healed VERY nicely,.. I'd never known lookin' at your pretty pictures!
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 142
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/28/2010 5:58:22 PM
onenightengagement: "usually they deceived us because we chose to ignore a whole butt load of warning signs prior to getting heavily involved with them."

very, very true ... sometimes we just wanted that happy ending so much that we were willing to look the other way ...

I've been divorced from someone for a very long time but we have children and, now, grandchildren in common so it seems reasonable to be friends ...

as recently as last month, he was suggesting that we move back in together ... that I sell my house, he'll sell his and we'll move to a new location ... fresh start ... and I was actually CONSIDERING it ... DESPITE knowing all the "butt load of warning" from the past ...

this morning at breakfast, he tells me that he's moved ANOTHER woman into what used to be our house ...

I think I'm much more amazed that I was CONSIDERING it ... than I am at this new development ... I guess I'm still looking for that happy ending ... I feel oh, so very stupid ...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 143
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/28/2010 6:02:03 PM

I think it is possible for one party to be largely responsible for the break up of a relationship due to their behaviour or attitude but, what we have to keep in mind is that WE picked that person to be with in the first place and maybe they deceived us through no fault of our own but, usually they deceived us because we chose to ignore a whole butt load of warning signs prior to getting heavily involved with them.

Exactly. People don't change so much as change back. If someone's capable of turning on you in a relationship and cheating or something similar with no reason, then they were always that person, and it's our fault for not objectively looking at who we're dating and picking our prospects better. It's never 100% one sided.
 _SYN_
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 144
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/30/2010 8:03:15 AM

So why cant some just let it go, chalk it up to experience, and move on?? Ex's have to have had some great qualities to make you fall in love with them in the first place. RIGHT?
Why do they turn into such terrible people when the relationship breaks down?


Sometimes the hurt just cuts so deep that the wound doesn't heal right. I myself feel I have healed to some extent, but deep down, if I let myself think of the past too long, I can feel that spiteful bitterness brewing in my gut so it's like overcoming an addiction for me. I take things day by day so as not to "fall off the wagon" even after many years. I think part of it for me is the fact that I did once love my ex's, or thought I did, and after investing so many years with each of them I get angry with myself for being wrong.
 tj_0142
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 145
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/30/2010 4:47:20 PM
I'm living the nightmare of bitter ex, 2.4 yrs later still not divorced. We ended up toxic together, went counseling route, she kept wanting a new counsler because she didn't like what they had to say.

The ex keeps telling my 19 yr old,( who lives with me) she has to torture me. So there you a go a mother showing here son that women are spitefull creatures, It is the damage to my son I worry about that hate has harbored. Sad part is he is now showing severe anger at his mother that can never help him in any future relationships with women. I got him into counseling this week, I hope it helps him.

If hate sits in your harbor than happiness cannot ever dock there.
Hate destroys inside out.
 HoosierInMo
Joined: 6/20/2010
Msg: 146
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/30/2010 11:36:49 PM

I have been reading these forums for some time now and one thing that I continue to find very amusing is how bitter people are towards their ex's


I don't know that I'm bitter, but I am angry enough to say that the 74 miles that separate us now... isn't enough. Not angry enough to use hateful names. I just call her "she who shall not be named."

The assertion that "it takes two" is just as cliched, inaccurate and immature as "everything happens for a reason." People have seriously been watching too many movies. Which is fine because it keeps me employed. But reality is that sometimes things happen for no good reason. There's jus one person's foolish and hurtful actions and the consequences that are often endured by another person.

I am moving on of sorts, but no she didn't have those great qualities that made me fall in love with her. She pretended to have them. They were a facade... a lie. And I sacrificed a great deal when I believed the lie. So she didn't turn into the terrible person when the relationship broke down, she just revealed the terrible person she always was. Which is why now I feel nothing for her but contempt.
 HoosierInMo
Joined: 6/20/2010
Msg: 147
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 9/30/2010 11:48:14 PM

Exactly. People don't change so much as change back. If someone's capable of turning on you in a relationship and cheating or something similar with no reason, then they were always that person, and it's our fault for not objectively looking at who we're dating and picking our prospects better. It's never 100% one sided.


This makes the dangerous assumption that the warning signs come before one is emotionally vested. This is not always the case. It's not like we're shopping at a grocery store and able to squeeze an apple to test for bruising before buying. Some people are capable of maintaining the facade for a very long time. And for the person who has commited to relationship and is not the type to be easily swayed from that commitment, it can be very difficult to discern the difference between a rocky time that needs to be weathered, and understanding that your SO has already abandoned the relationship and didn't have the intestinal fortitude to let you know.
 Fishalways
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 148
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 4:14:14 AM
I think a lot of it depends on how much you can disconnect yourself from the toxic relationship.
If you have no connections, kids, finances, debt or whatever, it makes it more difficult to make that clean break that is sometimes required. Out of sight out of mind sort of thing.

I can only speak for myself with regards to my past relationships that, as another poster accurately described, turned toxic. My daughters mother and I are about as compatible as gasoline and dynamite. It took me many years to let go of the anger that she seems to hold on to. Now I feel a sadness that my daughter won't have a good relationship with her mother because of her mothers anger. I can't do anything about that though, I can only be responsible for my feelings not an others.

Simply put, for some people it is very difficult or even impossible, to let go of that pain. It was for me.
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 149
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 9:48:03 AM

No, it takes two to make and ONE to break a relationship (although it CAN be mutual). If I decided to bring a bar pickup to our home and screw her there, what part of it would be YOUR fault? If you had any 'fault' that caused me to turn away from you, I should break up with you, then go to that bar.


I know this post is over a month old, and the poster is no longer around, but i just had to comment anyway.

As much as this might make you a victim, it doesn't absolve you from the fact that you married this person. A person who has a history of cheating should be expected to cheat, in which case, it's your fault for getting involved. A person who does NOT have a history of cheating does not cheat without a reason, which means there was something he wasn't getting at home.

This isn't to say "it's your fault he cheated, you're a bad person." I'm just saying that if you were truly honest with yourself, you would admit that there were signs you blatantly ignored, making the "two to tango" adage just as true now as it ever was.
 Mitochondrion
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 150
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 10:10:47 AM
Hmmm. Such closed minds. I feel comfortable making such statements as I was stuck in the same thought process for a very long time of my life. I met someone who forced me to look at myself, but allowed me to come to my own conclusions. People can change. to make such a statement is almost like saying evolution doesn't exist.

What happens when the person is old, cant get it up, or has no interest in sex? As you age experience alone will shift your paradigm.

People can change.
Just stop expecting it to be overnight.
You can;'t expect to suddenly change a lifetime of social programming. It take a ton of honesty and people who believe you can to positively reinforce such a concept.
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