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 HoosierInMo
Joined: 6/20/2010
Msg: 147
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being so bitter towards an exPage 8 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Exactly. People don't change so much as change back. If someone's capable of turning on you in a relationship and cheating or something similar with no reason, then they were always that person, and it's our fault for not objectively looking at who we're dating and picking our prospects better. It's never 100% one sided.


This makes the dangerous assumption that the warning signs come before one is emotionally vested. This is not always the case. It's not like we're shopping at a grocery store and able to squeeze an apple to test for bruising before buying. Some people are capable of maintaining the facade for a very long time. And for the person who has commited to relationship and is not the type to be easily swayed from that commitment, it can be very difficult to discern the difference between a rocky time that needs to be weathered, and understanding that your SO has already abandoned the relationship and didn't have the intestinal fortitude to let you know.
 Fishalways
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 148
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 4:14:14 AM
I think a lot of it depends on how much you can disconnect yourself from the toxic relationship.
If you have no connections, kids, finances, debt or whatever, it makes it more difficult to make that clean break that is sometimes required. Out of sight out of mind sort of thing.

I can only speak for myself with regards to my past relationships that, as another poster accurately described, turned toxic. My daughters mother and I are about as compatible as gasoline and dynamite. It took me many years to let go of the anger that she seems to hold on to. Now I feel a sadness that my daughter won't have a good relationship with her mother because of her mothers anger. I can't do anything about that though, I can only be responsible for my feelings not an others.

Simply put, for some people it is very difficult or even impossible, to let go of that pain. It was for me.
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 149
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 9:48:03 AM

No, it takes two to make and ONE to break a relationship (although it CAN be mutual). If I decided to bring a bar pickup to our home and screw her there, what part of it would be YOUR fault? If you had any 'fault' that caused me to turn away from you, I should break up with you, then go to that bar.


I know this post is over a month old, and the poster is no longer around, but i just had to comment anyway.

As much as this might make you a victim, it doesn't absolve you from the fact that you married this person. A person who has a history of cheating should be expected to cheat, in which case, it's your fault for getting involved. A person who does NOT have a history of cheating does not cheat without a reason, which means there was something he wasn't getting at home.

This isn't to say "it's your fault he cheated, you're a bad person." I'm just saying that if you were truly honest with yourself, you would admit that there were signs you blatantly ignored, making the "two to tango" adage just as true now as it ever was.
 Mitochondrion
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 150
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 10:10:47 AM
Hmmm. Such closed minds. I feel comfortable making such statements as I was stuck in the same thought process for a very long time of my life. I met someone who forced me to look at myself, but allowed me to come to my own conclusions. People can change. to make such a statement is almost like saying evolution doesn't exist.

What happens when the person is old, cant get it up, or has no interest in sex? As you age experience alone will shift your paradigm.

People can change.
Just stop expecting it to be overnight.
You can;'t expect to suddenly change a lifetime of social programming. It take a ton of honesty and people who believe you can to positively reinforce such a concept.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 151
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 10:13:08 AM
I think it depends on the damage done, how bitter one becomes. I'm not bitter toward my ex - relieved, yes, bitter, no. My SO is still friendly toward his ex GF, but extremely bitter toward his exwife. The difference? His exwife took his children across the country - essentially estranging them from him for the better part of their lives. That wound will never heal, which makes everything she ever did exasserbated. I can't blame him for being bitter.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 152
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/1/2010 11:23:40 AM

This makes the dangerous assumption that the warning signs come before one is emotionally vested. This is not always the case.

It's not always the case, but it's pretty common.

It's not like we're shopping at a grocery store and able to squeeze an apple to test for bruising before buying. Some people are capable of maintaining the facade for a very long time.

No one's THAT good. The signs we usually miss, we miss because we don't want to believe someone could be that way. We ignore a lot of things initially because we really want this person to be the one (or so I've read).

And for the person who has commited to relationship and is not the type to be easily swayed from that commitment, it can be very difficult to discern the difference between a rocky time that needs to be weathered, and understanding that your SO has already abandoned the relationship and didn't have the intestinal fortitude to let you know.

A person's character and how well you match with them is what it is. And early on you may let stuff go, but you can generally tell what's a personality clash and what's something you can compromise on. But when someone just cuts and runs (and it's been long enough to take seriously), we usually were aware something was wrong, and either were afraid to address it, or hoping it would fix itself because we didn't want to consider ending the relationship to be an option.
 Mitochondrion
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 153
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/2/2010 6:46:12 AM

No one's THAT good. The signs we usually miss, we miss because we don't want to believe someone could be that way. We ignore a lot of things initially because we really want this person to be the one (or so I've read).


Actually, I've seen them more blatantly ignored, then missed/overlooked.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 154
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/2/2010 3:38:30 PM
Being bitter is only associated with a situation that never ends. It could be as simple as having bad credit caused by your partner's stupidy (or intent) which keeps you from owning a home, or as bad as having an incurable STD that causes death. Saying someone is angry implies they are right in feeling the way they do. Saying someone is bitter implies there is something wrong with their way of thinking. People are bitter because they've been wronged, and got no justice. The next time you say someone is bitter, say they're angry instead. It shows a little more compassion for their situation.

You saying: I have been reading these forums for some time now and one thing that I continue to find very amusing is how bitter people are towards their ex's
Will get this response: Considering that behind many of those stories there's a personal hardship for somebody (financially for the partner, emotionally for the kids, lives shattered), 'amusing' is hardly the appropriate word.
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 155
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/3/2010 9:35:00 AM
You are very correct that we are all 100% responsible for what we do so, when their is a breakup we should look at ourselves and ask “what did we do to end up here?”. I know most people will say that they did nothing or could not help avoiding the final outcome but if you think about it honestly, you will come to see what it was you had done. If you're still convinced that the other is a bad, nasty person then obviously, your 100% is that you were not able to see them for who they were right from then beginning. Not to mention that they most likely aren't and you are still talking out of letting yourself be hurt.

Anyone can be in a relationship but it takes a much wiser person when it ends to point the finger at yourself and ask “what was my 100% that ended up with this result”.

As for “everything happens for a reason”, I have NEVER believed in that since it is just not logical nor does it make sense. The universe is not calculated and designed by a series of pre-determined outcomes based on what we do since, things will happen because of things we do but, those things were not “planned” by something in order to happen, It did happen simply because “they did”.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 156
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/3/2010 11:53:38 AM
You are very correct that we are all 100% responsible for what we do so, when their is a breakup we should look at ourselves and ask “what did we do to end up here?”. I know most people will say that they did nothing or could not help avoiding the final outcome but if you think about it honestly, you will come to see what it was you had done. If you're still convinced that the other is a bad, nasty person then obviously, your 100% is that you were not able to see them for who they were right from then beginning. Not to mention that they most likely aren't and you are still talking out of letting yourself be hurt.
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This reminds me of the guys in the big city with the 3 bent cards or 3 shells with the ball underneath. You think you can win, and he might let you the first time, then starts taking your money. Eventually, people stop playing because they realize its a con. Of course, his response will be "you're gonna win this time" so that you keep on playing. Some people won't ever play again, some will play again but not that game, and some will get their own game going. If this guy said "don't be bitter, you can win this time", a previous player might respond "I'm not bitter, I have my own shells, wanna play?" His response will definitely be "No." That is why you don't see them anymore. To me, saying you're bitter, is just trying to get them to play the game again. The same game. And that just ain't gonna happen in most cases. That's why marriage is dying, FWB is increasing, and people have their eye on the back door. People don't even want to live together anymore, or at the minimum, know when it's time to leave. It's not a matter of being bitter, it's a matter of not trusting. So, don't blame the one who doesn't want to play the game, blame the one with the seashells.
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 157
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/5/2010 11:13:31 AM
its quite logical for some people to be bitter toward an ex...

if you invested, loved and sacrificed for someone or something, that in the end turned out to be one big lie...it's more than logical to be bitter..

I think i dont understand the question..?
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 158
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/5/2010 11:27:45 AM
I think i dont understand the question..?
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Basically, if you're conned, lied to, or kicked to the curb, you should have seen it coming so you should admit responsibility for your loss. Get over your anger (bitterness) and get back on the horse and do it again. Do you agree?
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 159
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/5/2010 11:47:52 AM
well.. it seems everybody is an adult here..
so that also means taking responsebility for yourself..
so I agree up to a certain point...

but as far as "seeing" it coming, I have to disagree strongly..
that isnt always the case...

:)
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 160
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 10/5/2010 12:03:28 PM
so that also means taking responsebility for yourself..
so I agree up to a certain point...
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I agree. That's when the game play changes, but the rules are the same. The only difference is there is nothing to be gained, just nothing to be lost. Bitterness will change hands.
 realisticromantic
Joined: 7/27/2011
Msg: 161
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/25/2011 7:15:16 PM
I watched Carrie Fishers one woman show on HBO the other night one of her original quotes that really stuck in my head was "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the OTHER person to die"
 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 162
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 5:26:16 AM
I am trying to not be bitter towards my ex. For the reason that I did fall deeply in love with her for the person she was. But the problem I'm having that is creating some bitterness in me, is the little respect she had for me. She broke up with me for reasons she never once mentioned to me in our time together, after she had told me she was scared I'd leave her and that she wanted to be with me. And then she hated and blamed me after for honestly just not understanding what had gone wrong. I never yelled, got angry or insulted her. I just genuinely wanted to find out where things slipped. She said she would blame me forever for breaking her friend trust and said I made her hate me by bringing this all up.

I just wanted to understand. But relationships I've learnt have a lot of misunderstandings =(.

I wrote her a very firm letter. Which I regret a little, but am more convinced I needed to. I tried not to be mean or hateful, just firm and truthful, to show her how what she did hurt me so bad, and how I never did anything to her to deserve the way she did treat me, a little communication a little respect would've gone a long way.

But it's hard not to harbour some bitterness. I loved her and she felt very little for me. And I'm having a hard time like some of the posters here, because my love faked and pretended for certain things and I never will understand why. And the way she broke it off was to tell me she never felt anything for me. LOL a bit dramatic, but very hurtful =(. But I think the point when I can move on properly, is to not feel bitterness towards her, but to just accept it and move on. But I'm working on that at the moment.
 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 163
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 6:42:09 AM

Isn't this a person you claimed to have loved once?? The person you shared some of your life with. How can you call them things like the"spawn of satin" "A hole" the "the Anti Christ"


No it's not. I asked her on more than one occasion, "Who the fvck are you, and what did you do with my girlfriend?"

Don't confuse bitterness with hatred..
 trinity818
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 164
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 7:02:30 AM

Isn't this a person you claimed to have loved once?? The person you shared some of your life with. How can you call them things like the"spawn of satin" "A hole" the "the Anti Christ"

No it's not. I asked her on more than one occasion, "Who the fvck are you, and what did you do with my girlfriend?"


lol. That's pretty funny, Viper. I'm guilty of the name calling thing. Although I've always been great about taking personal responsibility for my decisions, I have called some exs names that are less than flattering. (If the shoe fits...) But I have others who are still great friends, that I would never call any derogatory names.
 1bellanella
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 165
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being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 7:12:33 AM

call them things like the"spawn of satin" "A hole" the "the Anti Christ'

When I hear someone talk about their exes badly it makes me run. If you harbor so much resentment against someone that you can't control your emotions ===> you're not over them yet. What I wonder is why are they dating? Are they looking for an emotional punching bag to take those negative emotions out on? Or do they think that finding someone else will make the hurt magically go away?
 coastalmermaid
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 166
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:27:43 PM
I do my best to avoid interacting with those recently divorced or separated because it has been my experience, generally speaking, they are just not ready for dating. For the few that somehow manage to get through my screening and meet IRL, I seemed to be viewed as a captive audience for them to vent. How they believe this will make a good impression on a potential partner is beyond me. I would honestly really rather watch the paint dry then listen to an angry/bitter person drone on and on about their evil ex.

The way I see it, there are many out there who lack 'emotional resilience', defined as "the ability of an individual to positively adjust to adversity". Emotional resilience gives us the ability to pick ourselves up and move on in a positive way with our lives. However, this is a process and not often a linear one. For some the process is very long and arduous and for others it would appear easier and faster. Consequently, we encounter people where they are at and it is often at a place vastly different than our own.

Some people appear to have an easier time with forgiveness than others. To forgive is a verb, an action word, also a process which is not often linear. It has to be learned and it has to be practiced. Some are just better at practicing than others. Some are never able to forgive and some never want to. The reasons are as many as stars in our universe.

Instead of being critical of others who may be experiencing negative emotions, I find it better just to accept that this is where they are at, no more no less than where I myself am at in life. I wouldn't personally choose to interect with someone who is still experiencing negative emotions originating from a failed relationship. I choose to just accept the fact...and say, "next".


 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 167
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:36:04 PM
we are bitter because we love our ex so much but they just continually use and abuse us. = (
 timbo1hot
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 168
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:41:55 PM
My bitterness result's from an ex that uses my son to hurt me because I wouldn't put up with her. Nuff said.
 timbo1hot
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 169
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 2:08:19 PM
I've never been bitter with an ex until forced by the court system to tolerate her. What can you do?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 170
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 2:41:09 PM
What happened to the instant chemistry and knowing in 4.6385 seconds that the stranger you met is the perfect person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Especially the people who claim "My instincts and gut feeling is never wrong".
 viper1j
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 171
being so bitter towards an ex
Posted: 8/26/2011 3:14:59 PM
Instant cure for bitterness: A Weatherby 550 Mark II with a 20x sniper scope and some high ground.
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