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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?      Home login  
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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 26
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What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?Page 2 of 32    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)


Margo: All I ask is that we keep it to minimal fuss. I'd be happiest if it was just him, me and the kids - but it is not all about me, so I imagine the numbers and 'fuss' will creep up.
Pixie: It is about you and him. You don't owe it to other people's expectations. So if you want a small wedding, put your foot down and have it small.

I don't owe them a thing. And you're right, it is about him and I. Should I be putting my foot down on his neck? He'd love something along the lines of a huge party in the hundreds, I'd prefer a brief lunch where the family quietly acknowledged it through stiff upper lips and tightly clenched butttocks. Eh, I'm being silly here for the most part. I'm a big city introvert from a small family, he's a small town extrovert from a ginormous extended family (almost 4 dozen aunts and uncles seems ginormous to me) ... we'll find a solution.

Is my discomfort larger than giving the other people in our lives the opportunity to celebrate, express their love and share in our joy? That's what I'll feel my way through. Nope, don't owe them a thing; might choose to grow a bit, unclench my buttcheeks and give them something and, in the process, myself as well.

If one believed joy is something to be shared then one could argue my "no fuss" stance is being a bit of a stick in the mud. hahaa



Margo: declaring an intent and living your life through it.
Pixie: Declaring to WHOM? You? You hardly required it… And if someone else - then WHY? Is there some sort of - no matter how minuscule, INSURANCE of LOVE going on? Or marking YOU as HIS?

WoW Pixie, where do I begin? A declaration is not required, it is a choice. A declaration is a powerful way of throwing an intent before you and living your life through it. Kennedy's declaration of "We Choose to Go to the Moon in this decade" is one of my favourite examples of the power of declarations. The whole space program was created out of that declaration.

You ask if there is some sort of INSURANCE of love going on. Do you mean INSURANCE or ASSURANCE? In truth, both are problematic for me.

Insurance speaks to security "guarantee love lasts forever". Security is an illusion.
I can say I love him now,
I cannot promise I will love him forever.
I can declare it is my intent to love him and live my life and make my choices in alignment with that. String enough nows together and you might get to forever, but all of life happens with the choices you make in the moment.

Assurance speaks to insecurity "to assure me you love me". We're both aware we are loved and do not need marriage for assurance of what we are living.

Yanno, a piece of my ambivalence about marriage is this very problem of making a commitment now you may well not be able to keep in the future. The perspective of it being a declaration that I love him and intend to live my life in a way that supports our love works well for me.

This bit on your post is likely the closest: "Or marking YOU as HIS?" ... except you forgot the joint aspect. Stepping aside the spectre of ownership (as we cannot own another) absolutely making a declaration out loud, up front and in public that we love each other and choose to be together is significant.



Margo: OK, I'm a little afraid when he talks about wedding receptions and stuff like that.
Pixie: Then don't have them. You are already getting married. Is wedding reception (two actually) required to declare the intent also? Small wedding not enough? If he loves you so much, why is this whole wedding thing happening completely contrary to your wishes?

Well, aside from your apparent inability to volley playfulness, I will speak to an underlying issue here: First, growth happens not by remaining complacently behind our comfort zone. Second, your logic of "If he loves me so much" could equally be countered with "If I loved him so much" and each would be flawed. So the important bit is finding a balance that works for both of us.

And heck, yeah, if I didn't get fearful of this stuff, he wouldn't have nearly as much fun with it as he does. Nor would I. We laugh at each other's foibles and save the biggest yucks for our own. I find it hilarious that the prospect of flying to Manitoba to party with 300 of his family and who knows HOW many friends, can freak me out the way it does. LMAO. If I'm going to be afraid of something, dammit, I'm going to enjoy the process. But, how do you sort out the balance? You talk and explore and share. One could sit down and have a serious conversation about it or you could share and explore by having fun with things - including this.

Pretty much everything you posted Pixie is about me, me, me. Very much an individual's rights. Kinda out of proportion, isn't it, when marriage is about me, you and us?
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 27
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What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/4/2010 12:39:57 PM
a relative married a woman who was pregnant at the time of the marriage, said it was his ... the baby was 3 months "premature" but weighed about 8.5 lbs. ... three paternity tests later, they've both now acknowledged that it ISN'T his child ... that was 24 years ago ... not only did he have to pay child support on someone else's kid ... but, every time he missed a payment or was late, there were penalties added ... AND ... he's not seen the child since the baby was about age 6 months old ... the child has been living with his mother and biological sperm donor since he was 6 months old ... and THEY HAVEN'T gotten married!

same relative DIDN'T marry the 2nd woman, the baby WAS his and he pays child support!

there's a lesson here somewhere ...

my impression of a "divorce" with or without marriage ... is that I won't get my rightful property back anyway ... at least, with a marriage, there's a CHANCE to get what's rightfully yours ... my ex-husband claimed I should pay HIM spousal support ... only by the grace of California courts system did I beat THAT one ... but it was close ... and only based on the whim of the Judge ...
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 28
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What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/4/2010 2:53:06 PM

I can say I love him now,
I cannot promise I will love him forever.

I can declare it is my intent to love him and live my life and make my choices in alignment with that. String enough nows together and you might get to forever, but all of life happens with the choices you make in the moment.


That's exactly the way I see it.

So far, on those various walks along the path of life with the women I've loved, the only times I've ever left them is when they've done something major enough to warrant that action, and I've always set that bar very high . :innocent

And I set those same limits for myself as well, not just only on them.

So, if we both see those limits, and respect them, then it's simply a matter of relaxing and enjoying the ride.

Could one of us suddenly find someone else, someone that changes amd ends that agreement ?

Yes.
(Although it's never happened to me, personally. )

In the meantime, will there be the inevitable ebbs and flows that are part of any relationship. Life isn't static, nor easy on those in love.



Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon


You can't even be sure you'll live to see the dawn, and love is no exception.

You enjoy what you have, when you have it, and try as best you can to grow together in the meantime. Love's like a fine wine, and will (at least with the right person) develop into a fine vintage given enough time in the bottle.

It's easy to be in the love, in that infatuation period at the start.

Any fool can do that...

After a few years that person you are in love with is someone with far more dimensions, a "real person". That's when you really know you're in love, cozy together gathered around those warm burning embers , that occassionally flare up into magnificent flames.

A piece of paper is never going to give you that.

You either have it, or you don't.
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 29
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/4/2010 3:15:08 PM
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?


Uh ... because the two people want to be married to each other, and they recognize there is no substitute for marriage.

I think the chorus haranguing FOR marriage ended quite some time ago. Good.

All this haranguing AGAINST marriage is equally tiresome to hear, and pointless.
(I'm not referring to any post in this thread in particular, I mean generally in these forums.)

"Marriage sucks, don't do it!" is either preaching to the choir, or falling on deaf ears.
Not that it isn't interesting to read people's perspectives on marriage, but I don't get *arguing* about it, as if one person is *right* and the other person is *wrong.*
What's right for one person may not be right for another person. Live and let live.

If ya don't wanna get married, don't.
Tip: Ya might want to stop trying to chase/bang/date people who do want to get married.
And vice versa, of course.
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 30
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/4/2010 5:06:44 PM
The raising of children is the only one I can think of. Family structure builds civilizations. I'm not against it or anything. It's a loosing proposition in most cases.

If someone had a way to keep one perpetual and thriving with love I would love to listen. However, I doubt anyone is going to step up to the plate on that one.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 31
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/4/2010 5:14:03 PM
I know quite a few married couples who are dearly in love, having wonderful marriages, knowing how as easy as breathing. It's not hard to do. The troubles come from people abusing the proposition to extort for unmet needs about which they are confused. Marriage itself is gentle and loving. That sometimes people displace affection with demonic wrestling matches is a fact that can't count against the strength of unmolested companionship, which marriage can and ought to be.

There is the house standing, and then you live in it happily, or you go in to wage your war and bring the roof down on top of yourselves.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 32
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What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/4/2010 5:43:34 PM
However, only marriage makes you eligible for social security survivor benefits and spousal social security retirement benefits. Some other pensions may have restrictions on beneficiaries (at least in terms of automatic assignment) if not married. Health insurance is often only available to the spouse of an employee, unless state law allows for domestic partners, and that usually requires cohabitation for two years or more to qualify.
Yeah...well....see, it's REALLY like THIS: I WAS married for 25 years...AND...I get NO "spousal retirement benefits", NO "survivor benefits"....but, at LEAST...last I looked, I didn't lose my health insurance when I was no longer a spouse of an employee...BECAUSE...I WAS the employee.

I raised 4 children, kept a spotless house, had dinner on the table every night, transported the kiddies to after school activities, baked cookies for the PTO fund raisers....did ALL the things that those "spouses" did to "earn" those "spousal benefits"...But STILL...I ONLY get MY OWN Social Security (just like the rest of the men). LOL! and some still say that women are "discriminated against" in the workforce!



Married people are healthier, happier, wealthier, have more sex and don't walk around the house talking to themselves and their animals.


Where did you get that from? Is that statement in comparison to single people living alone or co-habitated people who aren't legally married?
Yeah, I find that statistic debatable as well. As a single person, I don't have eat when I'm not hungry....just because my spouse wants too, and I don't have to serve unhealthy dishes because the spouse doesn't like his veggies. Happier??? Hahahahaha...who maintains that stress and strife are the ingredients for "happiness"??? Wealthier??? Surely you JEST right? When I was married I never had 2 nickles to rub together. In the 13 years I've been divorced....I still pay my bills and scratch my head wondering....how the hell can I still have this much money left over??? (Simple answer....I no longer have a spouse spending it faster than I can earn it!) Have more SEX???? Bwahhhahahahahahahaa! Someone bumped their head on this one! Maybe for the first 6 months...but once they figure out how to use the remote on your TV...you can kiss the sex goodbye! Walk around talking to myself or animals...LOL! well...Ok....yeah...some of the best and most productive conversations I have are with myself...but animals???
Mark me down as being in the same camp as Lt. Worf on this one (as he holds Spot as far away as possible) and says, "I will FEED him."

 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 33
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/5/2010 8:12:04 AM

What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?


Seems when some people put something in writing they try harder when maybe they would not put forward the best effort they could into it.


It only matters that the 2 people who are considering it to each other should have to agree as to WHY.




Blood test?


I have lived in several countries, but not of them required a blood test to marry.


A state I married in did and they found out I had never had the measles thus needed a shot before I could get married and was told to wait 3 months before getting pregnant so the baby would not contract them in the womb if I was exposed to them to prevent birth defects.




 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 34
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What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/7/2010 8:09:32 AM
OP - I hit my teen years, never having seen a happy marriage. I believe in keeping my word. I said - I'll never get married, because I can't imagine saying "till death do us part". I had children - with lots of legal paperwork between their father and I - to ensure they were properly acknowledged and cared for. He was - well, he was NOT good. LOL...I'll leave it at that. NOT being married, I loaded up a UHaul and left, no divorce necessary - after 13 years I may add, longer than a lot of marriages last.

I met someone after that - and when he proposed (very nervously, knowing my views)...I said "what took you so long?" Because I truly loved him. Because I knew that "till death do us part" wasn't an issue.

God has a sense of humor - we planned weddings half a dozen times, and always "life" interfered, we'd put it off...and then he died.

In the end - we were more married than most people who walked down that aisle. Love, commitment and devotion aren't written on a piece of paper, they are carved on your heart, in your soul.

So - what reason? Damned if I know.
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 35
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/7/2010 1:14:07 PM
Justdonald - presuming you were talking to me 'Why NOT get married?' All I can say is; why not do a lot of things? There are a miriad of things I'll never even consider doing. . . Why not? Most would never come up. Marriage has. As both of us have grown children, and are well beyond child bearing - that is not a reason to get married (I consider that a legitamate reason to get married). I liked Margo's (or rather her fiancee's) take that marriage is a declaration. I can see that. If it were more important to him TO get married, than it were to me NOT to get married, I'd marry him. I think that's the mark of a good relationship: getting your way on the stuff that's important to you, and letting me have my way on things that are important to me.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 36
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/7/2010 1:26:48 PM
The man doesn't benefit unless there is a contract involved which there should be every time. Don't let your emotions let you make bad decisions in this lefty male-hating society...

Codeguru
It's a dying institution.


Bitter doomsaying lurkers, gotta lov'em...

Codeguru


ahahahahahahahahahahaha!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 37
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 4:00:04 PM
I honestly can't think of one, personally. I don't have "that" belief. I also don't have "that" faith.

Now, if I met someone that I ended falling for(yeah I know,freaking hilarious), and she decided that this was one of her "beliefs" or "needs" than I would consider it. Not for me,,,but for her.

What I am really starting to see a bit more(maybe because I noticing it more) is what I am reading on more and more female profiles. One of their "goals"(if that is the correct term) is to BE married!!! Now, I will throw this out there for those to ponder. What is THAT saying about THAT person with THAT type of goal in their life?????(don't forget,,,the year is 2010!!!!)
 vbstein
Joined: 8/29/2010
Msg: 38
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 4:06:44 PM

How does the man benefit? Sex every night and breakfast in the morning


One of the biggest falsehood of marriage.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 39
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 4:12:47 PM
Couples get legally married to avoid another round of DTR( define the relationship)late night drama fests.
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 40
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 4:44:12 PM

What I am really starting to see a bit more(maybe because I noticing it more) is what I am reading on more and more female profiles. One of their "goals"(if that is the correct term) is to BE married!!! Now, I will throw this out there for those to ponder. What is THAT saying about THAT person with THAT type of goal in their life?????


I don't think there is much of anything to ponder ...

It "says" what they desire.
Rarely is the profile going to fully explicate why he/she desires it.

It "says": "this is a compatibility factor."

When someone who does not believe in or want marriage comes across the profile of someone who says he/she does (or vice versa) ... it shouldn't take much thought to click the back button.

The "thinking" would really only occur when the person reading tries cooking up a scheme for fulfilling their own agenda at the expense of the other person's stated desire.

It's a fundamental incompatibility.

All the wishing and hoping that that tasty morsel on the screen would come around to thinking our way won't change a damn thing.

All the negative judgments heaped like sour grapes on that stranger won't change a damn thing.

Live and let live - far away from each other.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 41
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 5:19:28 PM
Reasons to get married:

Because you think you have met the one and want to seal the deal. To have a family and not upset the relatives or your own religious beliefs about children out of wedlock. To establish a facade of being a citizen in good moral standing. " To make an honest woman out of the little lady"



<div class='quote'> in this lefty male-hating society


When did our society start becoming intolerant to lefties again or was it leftists your were referring to. There was more intolerance to lefties when I was a kid than there is now ( they used to try to force us lefties to do everything right handed in my first year of school in England with the threat of being wacked with the cane that sat conspicuously in the corner of the room - pink floyd's the wall brings back fond memories of english schooling ).

Damm inconvienient being a lefty but we adapt. At least lefties are the only ones in our right minds and we tend to be more ambidextrous than our right handed counterparts.

Reasons not to get married:

Divorce and all the fun times that entails.
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 42
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 5:43:25 PM

What I am really starting to see a bit more(maybe because I noticing it more) is what I am reading on more and more female profiles. One of their "goals"(if that is the correct term) is to BE married!!! Now, I will throw this out there for those to ponder.


I don't see that all that much in the female profiles. Seeking a relationship dominates most of them but I do not equate that to "Marry me". I've only read one that I can remember where the woman clearly stated she wanted to get married and have a couple of kids. Just one of those passing profiles that we read. I do remember that she was in her early thirties.
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 43
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 5:48:24 PM

Couples get legally married to avoid another round of DTR( define the relationship)late night drama fests.


lol Not me. Please tell me you don't drag some poor sap into this Wanton.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 44
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 6:31:25 PM
For women, it's all about the big fairy tale wedding. Having to live with the guy she marries is secondary to having "her big day".
For guys, it's the "If you don't give me a $10,000 dollar diamond ring and don't want to be married to me, you're not getting anymore sex" speech.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 45
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 8:31:03 PM
"The man doesn't benefit unless there is a contract involved"

That's right, you lose your ability to pay alimony without it!! Hahahahaha!

"It's a dying institution"

Not dead enough!! At least not yet. OP you gotta read some of the "women would you date or marry a guy who has less, or makes less than you" threads! Clearly the women say, HE!! NO, they only want a guy who can pay or has more. This if you check them out, comes in at a 4 to 1 ratio. Check out the "Cheapskates" thread in the over 45 section, will open your eyes to what women expect.

Wake up pal, don't do it, just live with her, check state laws, make sure it's not a common law state.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 46
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What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 10:03:15 PM
the only reasons that I can think of:
1. If you're military, you get more money when you're deployed
2. It's an easy way to gain citizenship into the US.
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 47
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/8/2010 10:39:37 PM
There is yet another reason: To improve your online dating success. I wish I had a penny for each time I heard, "the last one I dated and fell in love with was married ... the cheating jerk". These jerks seem to really do well here.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 48
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/9/2010 10:18:08 AM
The only reason I can think of for getting legally married
is because you want to be married.
I'd like to be married again, but I don't think I will be.
There are far too many bitter used up men out there.
Who wants to be married to something like that?

 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 49
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/9/2010 10:26:29 AM
The number of bitter used up men is irrelevant to marrying a man who is not bitter and used up. They won't come around in a pack outside your honeymoon hotel to ruin the mood by yelling, clanging pots with spoons, and setting off firecrackers. It helps to be positive and sweet when you look out upon the sea of possibilities, lest any men deduce from your pessimism that you have at least flirted with bitterness yourself at some point, and might be just a bit used up yourself.

The main thing is, I think, to decide whose fault it is and then hound them to the gates of hell with an unquenchable vengeance.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 50
What Are The Reasons For Getting Legally Married?
Posted: 9/9/2010 10:33:01 AM

Open questions:

How does the man benefit?

How does the woman benefit?

Can these benefits be obtained without getting financially and legally entangled (i.e. formal marriage in the legal sense)?


To the first question I have found after two marriages ending with both cheating on me the answer is NO BENEFIT!

To the second question the women are able to work a low paying job or no job at all and still get half the marital assets. So for them it is a big plus!

Go ahead and rip me a new one for me calling a spade a spade but it won't change the facts!
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