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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?      Home login  
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 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 26
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Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
smart and the heart:

Thank you for sharing the experienced of your sister. Loving and helping a drug addict person to have a long term romantic relationship is not a win win situation.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 27
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/9/2010 11:55:02 PM


The choice for the addict is not between you and drugs. It's to use drugs or not use drugs, and in that choice you don't matter.

Best way I ever heard it put.

Seconding that. I think az's right about the rest, too. Hard to hear but important:

They might decide to stop using, and maybe learn how to live without using and then at some point down the road try having a relationship. You would belong to their past by then. By having had a relationship with them when they were using you established yourself as someone who helped them use and who accepted their addiction, merely by not walking away. You're also a trigger, as they say, to use again. It's unwise and self-defeating to have a romantic relationship with a drug addict, as much as drug use is itself.

Also very well put.

Sure, people can and do stop using, sometimes for the rest of their lives. But if they are truly addicted to something, they cannot do it for you or because of you. It has to be self-motivated or it won't stick. You're just not a part of that.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 28
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 1:59:15 AM
A drug addict or alcoholic or any other addict will only quit when they have hit rock bottom and THEY want to quit for themselves. They don't LEARN to chose you over the addiction. They must want to quit more than anything else in the world. Don't hold your breath. Few do it for the love of someone else.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 29
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 5:34:35 AM
^^^^ Unless you have loved someone with an addiction, it's kinda hard to comment on such. Addicts can be and are deceptive at times. An addict themselves cannot allows be defined as a "bad" person,,,sometimes just a "good" person making a single absolutley retarded choice in their lives which quickly takes over their life. And your comment on "Hep C"........most addicts have it????? Really??????
Sometimes we have very little choice in who we fall in love with. And when we do, we wish,hope and pray for the best of that person no matter how much they have hurt us in the past. That's why they sometimes say "love is blind". The OP is taking the first step for her break away from such an explosive relationship. It's trying to understand that our "love" is never,ever enough for those addicts.
Like a couple of said,,,hitting rock bottem is the only way "most" will ever pull out of the tail spin. You, as a friend, lover,family member, or whatever just hope the hell they hit that bottem without dying. To the OP,,,,you can "help" by speeding up the road to that bottem. Walk away, and quit "helping". I am sure you have said your peace with the man,,,,now it's up to him to decide what is "important" in his life. It's really outta your (or anybody else's) hands. He must decide,,,,and only he. Good luck,,,,and do NOT beat yourself about this. Also, as others have stated, get to a couple of meetings for familys members of addicts. You, are not alone in your thinking, and you must hear from others their own horror stories to understand this.Again, good luck.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 30
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 6:04:25 AM

And just what exactly is attractive about this guy?

There are scores of guys who would swoon over you, why do you want a drug addict exactly?


It could be she didn't know how bad off he was when they first met, or that he even was an addict. Feelings developed, etc. Everyone says to dump someone when you see there are certain problems....the reality is, there are those who can do that easily, then there are others. Some have an inner compassion for people or animals, etc...and want to make a difference in others lives. I am basically that way, and used to not know when to draw the line, even at cost to myself, these days I know when to not get involved and waste my time.

My son had a friend, who after school stayed ay his uncles house...an alchoholic...a very likable guy, despite many knew of his problem, no one really tried to re route his life, after becoming friends, I tried, not by badgering, but knowing the things he loved to do, but couldn't because of his problem....music, cars, fishing, etc...trying to show all the things he was missing, life moving by him, etc....but while still being a friend...long story short....when I found he was lying to me and the effect he was having on his immediate family, and that in no way, was he ever going to change, unless he truely wanted to.....and that was not the case. I threw in the towel, and couldn't bring myself to watch him screw up his life and the life of others...that and I lost any respect for him, because of the B.S.ing to the people who cared for him, and how he could destroy the lives around him, and not seem to care.

So, I suspect she didn't know of his addiction at first, or how bad it was, or how far addicts will go, and not care how they effect others.

For the record..my exes mom was an alchoholic, but she did everything a good mother is supposed to....worked to help support the family, shared in raising the kids, did her housework and cooked the meals....after everything was gone for the day, around 8:oo o'clock, she started her drinking, in a couple of hours or so, she fell asleep intoxicated. I guess her love for her family, the kind of woman she was, made her prioritize her life this way, but still, she couldn't get off the booze, showing how strong certain addictions are, and that certain things addicted to are hard to get off of.

They say, some people are more destined by personality, traits, etc to becoming addicts...to a point thats true, but I feel different products have their own strengths as far as how addicted you get, how quickly, and how hard it is to get off them....Some are so addictive that even the ones who are unlikely as much to get addicted....get addicted, and thats what makes these so dangerous.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 31
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 7:16:45 AM
S.Diesel:

They never change, and for anyone to have hope they would is truly in for the worst nightmare they could ever imagine...


^^I beg to differ. Someone with an addiction can change/get clean.

Thanks to Bill W., and Dr. Bob thousands of addicts were/are clean "One Day at a Time". Sure it hard as hell to get that "monkey off your back", but it is achievable if the addict desires it.
 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 32
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Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 7:50:13 AM
You can't change people...

You may wish to try atending al anon, nar anon, coda...

It sux to allow someone the space to go to hell in this life, but the alternative is to get sucked in with them...

While it's possible to give up one's addiction, few people do.

Go to any detox or other treatment program, and talk to the counselors about recidivision. Something like 1 person in 30 actually get better!
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 33
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 8:23:08 AM
^^^^ Yes, this is a real stat. 1 in 30 and with more severe drugs such as heroin I think the ratio is even greater.

"""If you are providing them food, clothing, shelter.... they probably won't be miserable enough.""

This is common. Someone trying to help will bail a person out. Buy them food, clothing, give them a place to stay cause they are put out. They give them other necessities. They are really just contributing to the habit. Making their lives more manageable and prolonging the inevitable... A rock bottom or a jack pot.

What they REALLY are doing is buying the persons "drugs" Everytime they compensate for some other lack in that persons life... it allows the addict to aquire more cash to USE. He takes his money and buys the drugs because you have already given him the food and the warm sneakers.
People don't understand that this kind of "help" is not help it's enabling and it just like buying them the substance they abuse. You can not FUND the addict in anyway.

The best help you get him is HELP. You take them to a detox or take them to a meeting. The ONLY defence against that first sucker drink or drug is a meeting every day for some addicts. The only thing they really need is a ride to the nearest detox, NOT
sundry items from a grocery store, housekeeping or money for gas. You may as well be buying their drug.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 34
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Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 8:30:32 AM

Someone that is completely addicted to a drug/drugs/alcohol, that has tried to get help and has failed everytime... someone that sells possessions, lies and steals constantlty to get what they want... even if they feel extremely strong for someone, do you think they can change? In my experience no, but I'm not sure if I should have kept trying to change them.


You WON'T change them. ONLY they can change themselves.

Guide them to professional help, sometimes that is free. They need to change their lifestyle, but they won't unless THEY want to.
 thereandbackfla
Joined: 8/26/2010
Msg: 35
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 9:13:57 AM
You need to let them hit ROCK bottom, only then will they wake up to realize that their efforts 24/7 will keep them out of trouble until they get the demons conquered. Otherwise they'll be a like a non swimmer crawling over the lifeguard that goes to rescue them.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 36
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/10/2010 11:52:37 AM
You can't stop a drug addict or alcoholic from being an addict.Only they can stop themselves.
 06mc69
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 37
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 12:18:33 AM
I ended a 12 year marriage due to the fact my ex was an alcoholic (a case of beer a day), addicted to nicotine (3 packs a day). For years I have begged him to atleast cut back; and nothing. He would rather hold a beer than me, and frankly, I got tired of kissing an "ashtray". Because of his alcoholism, it led to him being physically abusive. I stayed strong and stayed by his side for the 12 years til the physical abuse towards me started. He didnt want to seek help, he saw nothing wrong with what he was doing.

He would be so drunk, try to hit me, and would not remember the next day, denied everything. All of this in front of my children, so I have eye witnesses.. On top of the physical abuse aided by the alcohol, the numerous of lies he told me, and he was caught in, yet, he denied lying, even tho I had proof. He spent a good 600 dollars a month on beer and cigs, and the children would have to do without. No sports, swimming, amusement parks, outdoor toys, nothing.. It all went to his drinking and smoking. Ugh. A night mare..
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 38
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 5:56:58 AM

The other thing to consider is that when many people do get sober, the first thing to end are romantic relationships.


Soooooo true. Very rarely is the person that stands beside the addict while they fix themselves around for much time after the fixing even gets going. It's all part of the process actually, eliminating their past life(which you are now part of) and no matter how much you love this person,the whole situation never really bodes well for a loving relationship in the end. It can happen,,,but it's usually not the norm.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 39
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 9:02:07 AM
OP
NO you CANNOT change a drug addict. They have to WANT to change and they
have to WANT the help.

Yes, you can be encouraging. You can be supportive. But, in the end, a drug addict has to WANT to get clean and sober and get the help they need. If they get the help, there's still a long road ahead, which, I dare say, probably shouldn't include being in relationship.

I think its best that you cut ties with this person and move on. If this person ever does get clean and sober, in all likelihood, this person will end the relationship anyway.
Good Luck to you.
 x_file
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 40
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 10:00:48 AM

Someone that is completely addicted to a drug/drugs/alcohol, that has tried to get help and has failed everytime... someone that sells possessions, lies and steals constantlty to get what they want... even if they feel extremely strong for someone, do you think they can change?


My first question is why even consider getting involved with such a person in the first place? Did we run out of clean sober men/women? Seriously, what's the logic here? Are you addicted to addicts? Do you not have enough self respect? Are you the "savior" type? Or perhaps you want to be wanted by the addict in the way s/he wants the drug(s)?

To your question...

By change I think you mean, "to lean to choose you over drugs". I gather that's the change you want. You want to be the addict's drug, right? That change is very unlikely to occur.

Can an addict change out of his/her own will? Sure. Can an addict change for better? Possibly, but it's hard.

All addictions share a common property... the abused substance is NOT the additive element. It is a specific mind state or "feeling" that's addictive. The abused substance simply allows for that feeling or mind state to surface, prevail... and quickly at that - which is why an addict won't settle for second best... namely you. Once a person experiences a higher mind state, it is in their nature to pursuit it till death. A wise person knows how to do the pursuit properly.
 anna107
Joined: 6/15/2010
Msg: 41
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 10:43:56 AM
^^^ Two posts back...A person does get addicted to a substance, not just a "feeling".
 anewstartforme
Joined: 4/4/2010
Msg: 42
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 10:54:11 AM
I haven't read all the posts but just seeing the title of this made an answer pop into my head; a drug addict will never choose you over the drug. They will have to first choose a clean life over the drug, if you're still around for them, then I guess they should count themselves lucky.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 43
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Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 10:57:20 AM
No, a true drug addict cannot learn to choose you over the drugs.

Someone who is addicted to drugs is ADDICTED to the feelings that they have when on those drugs. The drugs have become such a part of them that they see not having them as a real problem. It is like having two feet and two hands, if you lose one of them you would no longer feel whole.

You are someone they associate with the feelings they get when high so if they were to get clean you would be a reminder that it is okay to do those drugs.

If you really care about them you need to part and find someone who does not need a drug to make them feel whole.

You did the right thing. It's up to them to change and that will mean that they have to make drastic changes in who they associate with.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 44
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 11:13:40 AM
It's not only the drugs, the cravings, but also something inside of them.

They will promise anything, they sometimes will try and kick it. But something else well beyond their control always seems to drag them back.

I had a guy, Mike who worked for me, he had a great GF, who would go to the end of the earth for him. Mike had a fabuolous personality, made great money, had a good job. But something always haunted his mind, his persona would go through change, he would be become depressed, withdraw and suddenly he was on the drug treadmill again and again.

The first time I helped, my company paid for rehab, a really good program, it worked for a number of months, his GF helped, supported him, tried to make him feel great and successful.

The pull was too much and he relapsed, back into that life. The next time I convinced my boss to try it again, mike swore he'd do it this time. The GF had put it months of work, only to have him, pizz away his paycheck and what they had together on drugs. Again failure.

This time I had to fire him. BUT I really thought he had something and was special. I paid for rehab myself. Unfortunately his GF had walked away by this time, it being to painful to watch him slip away again into the grip of crack.

After rehab, I set him up in business, with a friend, working for him. Since he was watched closely, he started to relapse by drinking Listerine. He was fired. I sat him down and we had a talk, I said 'Mike I'll go to meetings with you, come over and talk, but I can't put you in rehab again, it isn't working", I also said it was best he left our business, maybe the pressure was too much.

He told me, I was a son of a b1tch or I'd do more. He got another job, moved into a small sh1thole apartment, and went back to the drugs. 2 weeks later he was found dead, with a needle in his arm. I never asked what was in it. I didn;tcare.

It haunted me for a while, was it my fault? Did I not do enough? Was there something else?

In the end, I had to accept, some people, when on the highway to he11, that is drugs, have demons we will never understand. In the end, the drugs are more important than the friends we have both male and female, the family we have, as they no longer matter. The job or life we possess. The ability to give everything over to drugs is far more easy than the long road back from it.

OP I told you this story to make you understand, there is always hope that they will change, but it's not grounded in reality, if the user doesn't want it bad enough.

I miss Mike, he was a great guy, but he just couldn't quit the drugs.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 45
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 12:42:22 PM

Every "addict" is a unique individual human being with their own set of circumstances and emotional/ physical reasons for becoming addicted and for the potential to get clean.


They maybe "unique" and an "individual" but the majority of addicts have a few things in common,,, their personalities, more than likely are "addictive compulsive". And the majority of addicts all lack the tools they require to work use their personalities in a positive way,which is possible. Some of the most so-called succesful people out there are addictive compulsive, yet not addicts.

The so-called "circumstances" and/or "emotional/physical" reasons you state are NOT reasons,,,,,,,they are what we call EXCUSES. You can say all you want, but show me an addict with his indivdual "circumstances and emotional/physical reasons" and I can show you a hundred people with the same,,,yet not addicts.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 46
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Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 12:46:52 PM
Most times a big cheer leading squad is impossible to live up to. Telling an addict that you can love them to death is most likely going to send them to despair for never being able to live up to this fantasy you've made for them or it leads to you being conned by the addict who knows you will do anything to help them. Addicts may be individuals (aren't we all) but there is one clear truth, you have to want to be clean & sober or it's never going to work. Most addicts are grand con artists and can fool even the best most the time. That's really why things like AA work (and AA's success rate is pretty damn low) is that you can't con a con nearly as well as you can con an enabler or co-dependant. Most of the AA or NA members know shit when they hear it because they've all done it. The best thing you can do for an addict is call them on their crap and not enable them.
 SilentInk
Joined: 3/20/2010
Msg: 47
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 12:55:52 PM

Every "addict" is a unique individual human being with their own set of circumstances and emotional/ physical reasons for becoming addicted and for the potential to get clean.


True, every addict is indeed a unique individual, but I also think all that individuality and uniqueness tends to fly out the window once they pick up their drug of choice. Every addict goes through the same thought process on the daily bases and that is when they can get their next fix. Everything human about that person leaves their body and they become walking zombies.

That is why drug addiction is so horrid, and so hard to get clean. I mean losing the person you once were is pretty hard, and it takes a very strong individual to have the strength to put down the needle etc., and aim to get back to who they once were. Therefore I don't think 'love' can save a drug addict. If it could they would first and foremost think of their mothers who gave birth to them and cared for them, and think of the heartbreak they are now causing her to see the person she raised deteriorate to nothing. Now a drug addict definitely can help himself with much strength, self-empowerment and figuring out whatever it was that was missing in their life that made them want to abuse substances in the first place. Long process indeed,
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 9/2/2010
Msg: 48
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/12/2010 3:42:16 PM
Y hell no... a true addict can't even stop smoking the blunt long enough to respond to this thread... so, I guess I'm not a "true addict"...

I smoke the shit out of some weed, but never date guys that do... it's either an issue from the get go, or eventually might crop up... I'm upfront about it from the get go, no weird "surprise addiction".

Some of them would rather me smoke weed than cigarettes, ya da ya da

Either way, druggies/drug-accepting people should be together... not people trying to change "habits". We will either change on our own, or remain the same, your actions won't stop a thing.

On a different note, this person you are talkking about sounds like a crackhead. He doesn't care about anyone else and does whatever to get his fix... I do without when I have to, no big deal. But, that only happens maybe once or twice a year.
ya da ya da
back to the blunt
 cashhauler
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 49
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Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/17/2010 3:23:04 PM
They are not making a choice between you or their substance of abuse. You can never give them what their substance does. They will never crave you as much as they crave their substance. You cannot compete agaist their substance- you are not even in the same leagues. They can only stop the vicious cycle thru detox/rehabilatation/and a serious 12 step problem. You can provide love and support thru this but in the end it is only possible for them to get healthy when the learn to love themselves and value themselves and only then will they be able to have a normal healthy relationship with someone else. Trust me- been there done that- still love the guy to pieces but.....5 years later he's still using!
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 50
Can a true drug addict learn to choose you over drugs?
Posted: 9/17/2010 4:53:16 PM
even if they feel extremely strong for someone, do you think they can change? In my experience no, but I'm not sure if I should have kept trying to change them.


Addictions come in many forms.. But never do they come in the form that others can change...

Look at this thread, for example.. The majority of Forumites here are likely addicted to the forums,
since they provide a physically safe venue for displaced self-expression and rapid feedback...

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