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 beachdancer
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 26
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking youPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Funny, I just responded to a thread started by a guy asking why women don't just say they are not interested. I do wonder myself why a fellow says, initiates, let's get together again when they don't mean it. I imagine if you are meeting him you each have phone numbers. So he doesn't have to say he'll call. He can end the meeting with it was nice to meet you. I guess I wouldn't personally want him to say there is no spark. But he doesn't have to give the impression there was a spark. I wonder if all the political correctness has affected us. Or maybe we are all a bunch of cowards. Another thought, sometimes when thinking over a meeting, I do decide some things were said that are deal breakers. I do usually tell them later I am not interested. But I, too, am guilty of just falling off the face of the earth. All in all I try not to dwell on it or take it personally. And remember many fellows are just afraid of us. Hearing their stories, I can see why. I sometimes wonder why men deal with us at all. Of course, another possible, probable reason, is he didn't think he would get you right into bed. You know I am not wrong at least much of the time. The honest ones admit it.
 RealisticRomantic
Joined: 7/19/2010
Msg: 27
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 2:43:09 AM
Something that hasn't been covered yet: Among lesser men there is an unspoken expectation that it is your move next. It may not be fair or indeed accurate, but they are set on the idea anyway. As they see it, they took a gamble by asking you out the first time and need unequivocal proof that you are into them.

The players and alphas will just do as they please. They assume that you are into them and feel like they already have a green light. This is where tons of guys miss the bus. They are looking for confirmation that will never come.

Don't sweat it too much. This time it really IS them and not you. My thinking is that you should aim higher -- nothing short of a comet strike is going to convince them. A simple twirl of the hair or accidental/on purpose knee bump won't cut it.

I suggest you rewrite your profile and ask for more. As it is now, every passive dweeb thinks he has a chance. That is probably why it has become a problem for you.
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 28
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 3:56:59 AM

I learned from those smart ones. If I am really interested in a man after coffee. I say, how about lunch, Tuesday afternoon at Such and Such at 1:00. My treat.


Bingo. There are also things that I do naturally that I will do to increase the connection or NOT increase the connection. If I am not feeling a pull I will retract certain qualities that I am acutely aware of in myself. My hope is that she will just think...oh well I thought there was something there but I guess it isn't. This does not always work unfortunately as withholding traits can actually increase her curiosity depending upon the woman. Everyone is a little different with different life experiences. Silence after a date may in fact be the golden rule.

To actually lead her on can increase her investment. This is a human trait that has to do with survival and group dynamics as is actually a different subject. I even read how some people are actually trying to eliminate this inherant trait. Good luck. It is a dynamic. A thrust or urge to survive. It is quite cold blooded of a man to lead her on in any way.

The other side of the coin can be just as destructive to her. You can be a bold and "so called" straight up guy and not knowing what her experiences are in life, handle the rejection part part quite brutally regardless of the intention not to. So the best way to handle that is to not let her invest. I've watched expert flirters continue too flirt and play and from that point on she will invest. This is NOT a trait flaw. Without it the natural beauty and tenderness that is part of women. They would be unisex without it. That's why there are women who are who will not invest for fear of wrenching pain. This is related to her past experiences.

Of course men have it to but it is a protector propensity. A completely different dynamic thrust. When he invests he takes on the responsibility of protection. If you lead him on he will continue to invest. There are men that will purposely withold this survival mechanism for wrenching fear of pain as well. You can't fix them either.

So if I have a woman who is really enamored with me and I already know that I will not be investing in her it is quite cruel of me to handle this brazenly. There are some very beautiful women (from my viewpoint) who are really wanting something substantial in thier life. There are a lot of conflicts going on in her. She has all the stuff she has read in an effort to solve the relationship riddle as well as family conflicts that come up against that as well as social conflicts. These are pretty tough on her. So to be honest I give her credit for just still being in the game of life. I think she has earned that so I select the most appropriate handling for the situation.

Socially these internal conflicts are only going to get worse so silence can be the right tool for some and absolutely the wrong tool for others. So the OP, from her life experiences, this sort of bugs her. She likes it straight up. She is not wrong or a wimp or anything else. One size does NOT fit all. There is a reason that many women like older men. Skill in handling her and life. A man can be as feeling and as well intended as humanly possible but his woman will still walk away saying..."he doesn't get it." He gets her just fine he just doesn't get the nature of her internal conflict.
 cenomeno
Joined: 4/21/2010
Msg: 29
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 4:05:41 AM
Well it's very rare thAt I feel extremely excited about someone, especially after a date. Happens but once in twenty, maybe....
So what i feel or think between first date and the second may change just like that *finger snap* ..No guarantees .....

Such is life, don't take it too seriously or personally. And of course don't put all your eggs in one basket.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 30
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 4:33:47 AM
After reading the other responces and re-reading the original post....another thought hit me...and I may be wrong, but its a possibility...and don't take it like an insult, because your asking a question and looking for some help.

You mentioned they push for a date, they said they had a great time....etc,etc....I'm seeing a pattern here.

Then you kinda generalized when you said why do men, as if all men do this.

And...I guess we have to assume this happens to you enough times, that you were inspired to post this.

A possible image is forming...the old fashioned notion of a woman on a pedistal, and the man chasing her, doing all the things to try and get her, while she just sits up there, taking it all in. Hey, not saying you have this ego trip or whatever....lets face it society projected this image, many times over, and people thought it was the thing to do.

Women had many changes over the recent years, and men relatively had very few...but in all of this, men discovered that women were not the delicate, weaker sex, etc...society projected that image old image of...Yep, we see them in the military, playing sports, etc, etc, etc....even see that they can be falible to having the negative things once thought to be reserved for men. Well, not only all of this, but we are finding out..men do have emotions and like to feel desired and etc, etc...things once only associated to women.
Well, in the mix of all of this....maybe they initiated the emails, pushed for the dates, said all the right things, picked you up in their car, paid for the date, said they had a nice time, while you took all of this in. Could be they went home and thought....nice girl, but she wants to have her cake and eat it too, won't meet in the middle, and maybe their emotional side, need to feel desired and wanted side wasn't nourished.

Hey, I'm not saying you are the person in this old fashioned image or projecting that, but you only mentioned what they did and nothing of what you did....and like I said, its only a thought...some men will initiate(chase) to a point, but at some point it needs to become mutual, Some enjoy the chasing, but once it ends, the conquest is over, some men want things to be mutual from the get go.

So, maybe more men are wanting a more modern way of being, if they get the vibes, its not going to be that way...they move on, besides most things become, the way they start out. Maybe they don't bother to explain later out of respect, because they figured they weren't shown the respect of being treated like an equal. But there's all sorts of possibilities as mentioned by others and myself, this is just another one.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 31
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 8:48:59 AM

Such is life,don't take it too seriously or personally. And of course don't put all your eggs in one basket.


Smart moves Cenomeno. We all have different intention of this dating game and different strategy on how to win for our intentions.
As a woman of advance age /(not even in my hey days),I am cautious not to be a mouse in the field to be played with..

Most men divorce or not, are just in to score a goodtime with no string attach. For their fear is a woman will hug their space/life ,I don't blame them they were burned on their past experiences, take a note : with their permission. And vice versa.

But each of us have our match, it is just a matter of time getting the right connection with that person who is our "alter ego".....
It is not cowardly for a person NOT TO SAY * there no chemistry between us or sparks between us or I don't like you* For there is no such thing as love at first sight, smitten and lust at first sight yes that happen a lot.
If the there is no future date or further communication ,I'll leave at that, but I don't close the door between me and that person whether he don't like me or I don't like him.. My greatest effort is " I gave a good impression".......
 pandusvenator
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 32
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 9:01:14 AM

I am intrigued. Care to elaborate on this...please?


Well it's pretty simple. I can change an octave in my voice. I keep any sexual thoughts out of my thinking. If I think about sexual visions with her my demeaner, voice and even my energy can cause reactions, anyone can do this naturally. I will keep more distance between us. I won't have any casual touch with her. I like to have eye contact with anyone I communicate with so will not hold too long of eye contact with her. I will talk about subjects with less depth. It doesn't always work if she is already connected a little with me. If fact if she is the type it will actualy make it worse. It's not an easy skill. A man would have to have a pretty good understanding of himself and others.
 Nu2010
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 33
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 9:05:03 AM
I have the same problem. I go out with a man like last week we went out to eat and then talked for 5 hours. He still sends me emails saying he is interested but that is it. If the man is really interested he better not wait too long, I move on thinking he is not really interested. Maybe the reason is I did not put out on the first date.
 Nu2010
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 34
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 9:28:16 AM
I have learned never to get my hopes up about meeting someone. Yes, I would love to find someone but there are no gaurantees. With my experience I have been told I am sexy, I don't have any pictures displaying my body parts like many women do. It seems many men say they want a relationship but their idea of relationship is only sexual, mine is much more like really getting to know someone's personality. I think men are only out for the conquest of how many women they can bed. It seems that men are always looking for the greener pastures then realize what they had was what they really want but by that time I have moved on with my life. I don't know how many times I think I have found the right guy but then he moves to another then after a while he wants me back. By that time I feel rejected and I don't want nothing more to do with him.
My motto is when it takes a man too long to decide "You snooze, you loose".
 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 35
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 9:37:07 AM


Funny Wolfman... HHAHAHAAH... I didn't mean it that way, you know what I meant.
Duh? But you got me. NOW get your head outta the gutter.

I meant to say.. The smart ones have nailed me .....



 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 36
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 10:09:39 AM
I have the same problem. I go out with a man like last week we went out to eat and then talk for 5 hours. He still sends me emails saying he is interested but that is it. If the man is really interested he better not wait too long,I move on thinking he is not really interested. Maybe the reason is I did not put out on the first date.


Sistah, men are like children they don't get tired on playing sports or any games ,but it exhausted them talking for long hours. Don't talk a man to death, be a bit mysterious that he wants to know you more day by day.

If a man is really interested he better not wait too long,

A woman can not gave a man an ultimatum ,he will want you on his own time ,but he is willing to sex you on your own time and that is it..

And men are like dogs ,they can smell the scents of woman who is desperate.

ps.
Capturing a man is not just by sexy body, but by a SEXY MIND...............
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 37
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 10:44:35 AM

(xlr8ingmargo) Hun, most guys are out to get into your pants and flee. Understand that.


So, what's the problem?

Dr. ES...
 wolftxusa
Joined: 5/6/2010
Msg: 38
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 10:53:26 AM
Mad Chill, I just quoted you (with a proper ellipsis) and have no idea what you are implying...

 ellena.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 39
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 11:09:05 AM
Men are strange creatures.
Dating online means multiple partners are potentially available to him.
He may be playing the field (so to write), . They're always looking for something "better".
Maybe you got hooked to a kook.
keepjmo
 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 40
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 11:18:14 AM

Guys wouldn't it be freeing and so much better to just be upfront and say thank you, you're great but the spark is just not there.

Do you say this kind of thing, "anewstartforme"?

As the other people have posted, it's much easier on the ego to simply take a hint...

I personally need some encouragement from my date to feel like she wants to see more of me... W/o that encouragement, I might not bother to pursue a relationship...

If you are wondering why there's no second dates, it might be worth your while to call the person and ask what happened...
 anewstartforme
Joined: 4/4/2010
Msg: 41
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 11:42:37 AM
I have to say there have been some very interesting responses on here and some posters gave opinions that I'd never even considered. Let me just say my original post was a result of a single incident and I definitely left him with the idea that I would like a second date, clear and to the point. Within a couple of hours after the date, he sent a message to me on Facebook telling me he enjoyed the day, etc. That's what threw me off, but to each their own I guess. I did do what one poster said was general practice for her when I was on a first date with someone and upon parting ways on that first date, I asked him for the second date and told him it would be my treat.

I went out with that particular person for 3 or 4 weeks I guess and then he just stopped calling. Maybe it was that he was trying to bed me and I wasn't at that point yet, I don't know.

As far as my profile goes, I'm not really actively seeking potential mates at the moment and my profile is even hidden because I'm taking a break for a short time. If someone on here catches my eye I may send them a message. I know that the content of a profile is very important and I guess the clincher if someone is on the fence about liking someone if their appearance is just so so. A male friend of mine once said we should start our own business of constructing profiles for individuals playing up their best assets.

At times I think it is amazing that we ever get together to begin with; all this hurt and past experience abounds and so many do hold back for fear of experiencing a repeat episode of hurt. I guess this site is appropriately named though and there really are plenty of fish; if one doesn't work, throw your line back in and see what bites.
 MisterDynomite
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 42
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 12:01:15 PM

A possible image is forming...the old fashioned notion of a woman on a pedistal, and the man chasing her, doing all the things to try and get her, while she just sits up there, taking it all in.


Yeah i kinda see that too sometimes...

Those types of women get approached with no risk of rejection from their end... picked up in his car, dinner paid for.. chased to boost their ego...... they didn't have to ''put out''.... but no 2nd date..

hmmm 5 out of 6 isn't bad at all. Chalk it up as a win for the women reguardless if there is no call back for a 2nd date. Ya can't win the lottery everyday.

 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 43
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 12:19:14 PM
Gals, wouldn't you rather be told upfront so you're not left wondering?


If a guy doesn't ask for a second date before the end of the first one then there really isn't anything to wonder about. It was a good date, we both had a good time but there is no interest in a second date if one isn't put on the table before the close of the first one.

That's not a hard and fast rule or anything but my experiences have shown it to be roughly true more often than not.

I don't need to be flat out told.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 44
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 12:45:36 PM
Kinda sounds like you've dated some players who want some sex on the first date, and when that didn't happen..or the possibility of it not happen in the very near future..they booked?

I'm not sure what the deal is..you say you are in 'investigations'..what is your gut feeling?
 anewstartforme
Joined: 4/4/2010
Msg: 45
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 1:13:22 PM
Well obviously he is not interested for whatever reason. What that reason may be, I'm not sure. If it was because of sex, that is just not the vibe that I was getting so I'm guessing it was just the spark thing. Just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. As one other poster said c'est la vie.

My original post was not really a fishing expedition for an answer in my own situation but more of an overall thing. I've had so many friends, female and male alike who go through this same thing after a first date and obviously it's for all kinds of reasons, every situation being different.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 46
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 1:31:32 PM

My original post was not really a fishing expedition for an answer in my own situation but more of an overall thing. I've had so many friends, female and male alike who go through this same thing after a first date and obviously it's for all kinds of reasons, every situation being different.

(putting ballistic vest on....)

Okay..it's okay to whine a little.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 47
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 2:09:32 PM
When I meet someone IF I am interested in a second meeting, I make that clear before the meet ends. I may contact them once to let them know I enjoyed the meet - some people feel the need to give you the same message back so as not to be rude.

When someone I have interest in says all that I don't assume they actually mean any of it unless they follow it up. I just disregard it when I hear it. Makes life much less stressful.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 48
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 2:37:11 PM
Whenever I have a date,I thank them after the met. And I call them the next day how I enjoyed his company and thanks for the dinner. Most of my dates are gentlemen that they reciprocate my call and they plan the next date, I guessed they are from old school. Wow! that was below the belt hit if they message you in facebook/myspace/orPOF not not talk to you on the phone personally after meeting them...

 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 49
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 11:06:54 PM
I can't speak for others but I know that whether I tell the blunt truth or not to someone depends on whether the person seems sensitive or not. If you're with someone who's having a great time with you, seems to fall for you, etc. it can be difficult to tell them: I don't feel the same way...

some people seem like they'll just crumble.

With others it's easier. But of course I prefer to tell them the truth, politely.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 50
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/11/2010 11:22:27 PM
theres a Cutlass 4-4-2 in the alley, we could go polish the hood

or is that not direct enough ?
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