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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 51
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking youPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I suppose after only 1 meet most people would rather not deal with the drama of 'letting someone down easy'. Do you really want to tell someone face to face that you are not attracted to them? Do you want to hear it from a stranger?
My feeling has always been that unless he asks you out immediately he is not all that interested. People are on here to date and find love, they are not here to chit chat or become pen pals so if you do not make a move quickly someone else will.
Expect a first meet to go nowhere, then you will never be disappointed. Don't stretch out a first meet for weeks and months, people tend on building something out of nothing that way.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 52
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/13/2010 9:29:28 AM
I find some women are not unfront about liking you or not liking you and do things in a subtle way that we must read and interpret - have you ever heard a man complain that the woman in his life expects him to be able to read her mind. I am sure men give women subtle indicators about how they feel and sometimes women cannot read these signals. This all boils down to a lack of communication and if the communication is not clear and direct then what we want or expect to hear gets in the way of recieving that subtle signal that was sent. Sometimes we don`t communicate the message directly because that person is unsure of how they feel at the time or afraid to hurt the other persons feeling by being direct and to the point.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 53
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/14/2010 11:56:17 PM
maybe there should be consolation prizes, so you dont leave empty handed.

thanks for playing, tell her what she has won.... a year supply of breath mints, the vegetarian cook book, cat lovers ball of yarn and the home version of Let's make a Date.
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 54
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/15/2010 2:06:45 AM
. Let me just say my original post was a result of a single incident


oookay...then why say men(as if in all men) on your title heading? And it gave the impression this happens to you a lot, thus the basis for some of the responces.


I went out with that particular person for 3 or 4 weeks I guess and then he just stopped calling. Maybe it was that he was trying to bed me and I wasn't at that point yet, I don't know.


Thats a legit complaint, but it happens to both genders, really people should be kind enough to say something, but as mentioned before, some people have bad experiences telling someone they are no longer interested. This happened to me too, but I still believe in letting them know.


At times I think it is amazing that we ever get together to begin with; all this hurt and past experience abounds and so many do hold back for fear of experiencing a repeat episode of hurt. I guess this site is appropriately named though and there really are plenty of fish; if one doesn't work, throw your line back in and see what bites.


Yes, some people are effected by their past, in some ways we all are, some have it worse than others and it shows. But we can't associate that with a person moving on and not saying anything necessarily. Generally, its because someone feels the other is not for them for the long run. People don't want to drag something out, when its not going to happen, delaying the inevitable leads to parting ways that much more complicated. Sometimes, these past hurts, etc is why when you try to tell someone politely, you are not wanting to date anymore, they take it hard and retaliate in some manner, thus why some just decide its better to just move on and not say anything. With some its just not being considerate enough to tell the others.

Out in the world, this happens too....people set a date, one doesn't show up, they say they will call, they don't...etc. But a dating site is an "excellerated" version of what regular life is, if not for dating sites, we couldn't have the capability of going thru this many people to attempt to find the right one in a given amount of time, so in that sense, we also go thru more people, whether in just emails or actual dates, etc....this also means the odds go up with everything...the odds of more losers, incompatible people and etc.....Without dating sites and computers, out in the world, we couldn't make contact with so many this soon and attempt to date so many, etc...this also might account for why some don't attempt to stay together longer, if they don't feel the right vibes, and rightly so. A person might email and date a person, but have been emailing and have the option of others, a date shows its not happening, they go back and set up something with another of the options.

So, its an excellerated version of what regular life could only do at a snails pace.....the problem is the ups and down go at this fast pace too, so in a relatively short time it can appear there are more losers, etc...when in fact we just go thru them at a faster pace. So, if we realise this and don't take the "downs" personally, its all easier to deal with, but if you take a person who is relatively new to all of this, its a bit much at first, till they know the ropes, if you take a person who's past left a lot of emotional scars and subject them to this, it might be a bit too much to deal with.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 55
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/15/2010 3:45:24 AM
Gals, wouldn't you rather be told upfront so you're not left wondering?


it does not compute! did you even think this through? apparently not... you merely noticed your unpleasant feelings and then wanted a way to have them assuaged. therefore, you got the idea that being told "up front" would accomplish your goal of "feeling better". however! i can pretty much guarantee that you would not feel one ounce better... and as a matter of fact you would probably feel worse... if every single guy you ever went out with who didn't want to see you again was "up front" about why. then we could read about that in the forums. save forumfishie's post about the coffee date for reference. lol, that's a classic!

the reasonable alternative is to just own your feelings, quit setting up preferences and then expecting other people that you don't even know to just automatically comply, and accept the basic reality that (1) some of the people you contact you will never meet.... (2) most of the people you meet will never make it past the first 1 or 3 dates.... and (3) most of those are either going to be real polite about it or just quietly disappear off the face of the earth. because (4) that's the way they roll.

:laugh:
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 56
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/15/2010 6:14:05 AM
I always thought men were very upfront if they reeeaally liked a woman she could tell by just looking at his pants
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 57
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/16/2010 1:26:44 PM

And most of the time it is my male friends that care less about looks, to them being in a relationship is far more important than how their partner looks. However all of my female friends refuse to date below their "number."


My goodness has this often been true, for me and others. There are women who genuinely don't care 'too much' about looks- it seems so many others, once they're on a dating or relationship (finding) mission, try to find to best looking male they can, no more mrs nice girl!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 58
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/16/2010 1:29:33 PM
^^^Looks are so relative that this can't be discussed in black and white, though. If there's no attraction - it has nothing to do with height, looks, etc - we ALL have people who are attracted to us and people who aren't. In the end most women know pretty quickly when we're not attracted - but if the issue of attraction is never on the table, then to us it's friendship only from the start.

The obvious question to why anyone would want to be a friend but not an SO is attraction, unless they aren't free to pursue attraction, and even then attraction is usually not THAT hard to read.

If a man or woman (depending on who's reading this) meets someone who is dragging their feet getting together again and isn't exactly showing a lot of enthusiasm, then assume either they aren't interested, or they are going to keep everything close to the vest and they're too much hassle to date. Move along.
 TravelingLight
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 59
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 9/16/2010 1:57:23 PM
to WomanInProgress:

I understand about attraction, but I've noticed how a number of women shift to being a lot pickier once they're out to find a guy.
They're after luxury. In more ordinary circumstances they're less picky and more receptive to ordinary joe.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 60
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 9:32:17 AM
agreed with ShoeDad...

I also think- why would I limit myself to liking one woman at a time? that's like putting all my eggs in a basket and going "all in" for someone I just met.

Doesn't make sense.

Plus there's also the addage that women lose interest in a man when they think he likes them way too soon. Women do like a challenge and a man too available does not provide a challenge to them. Therefore, he must be desparate to like me so soon after having met the woman.
 shakeitupbaby2012
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 61
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 9:37:30 AM
Personally, I see a "challenge" as games. I like a guy who has interest to simply show that he has interest. To go on a date, enjoy it and go on another when it's apparent that we both like each other. To say you like each other and no have any pretense. I don't think a guy's desperate if he shows that he likes me early on. I think he's mature and not into games.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 62
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 9:42:22 AM
I didn't read all the answers...just the original OP.
I think a good indication of whether or not someone
likes you (and vice versa) is you plan to meet again before
the meet is over. Doesn't have to be the next night or even
the same week, but something along the lines of "I had a
good time, I'd like to see you again, are you busy next week?"
If it's not said to me, I don't mind asking, but if I get something
like, I'm not sure, I'll check, I'll give you a call, I figure they aren't
interested and I don't waste any time thinking about it.

What I don't like is the pretending. If you're not going to call, don't
say you are. Nothing wrong with saying "I had a good time, thank you
and goodnight."
 likes_animals_wk
Joined: 7/22/2010
Msg: 63
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 9:55:42 AM
why don't you just ask? some guys give off clues.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 64
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 10:18:38 AM
sowrite- If I ask you on a second date, so far, so good. I like you enough to continue talking to you and trying to get to know you.

I figure by my asking you out again and my talking to you- that shows enough to you to let you know that I am interested in you. Doesn't mean I'm ready gaga over you or anything, just that I'm still, at the very least, tolerating you enough to continue to try to get in your pants!
 jsphn11
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 65
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 10:58:23 AM

Personally, I see a "challenge" as games. I like a guy who has interest to simply show that he has interest. To go on a date, enjoy it and go on another when it's apparent that we both like each other. To say you like each other and no have any pretense. I don't think a guy's desperate if he shows that he likes me early on. I think he's mature and not into games.

Same here. I like it to be clear and open.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 66
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 11:59:30 AM

Plus, some reasons are socially awkward. For example, if we meet for lunch on a first date, and you order the $50 lobster thermidor, chances are I'm not going to ask you for a second. Sorry, darling, but you'd be way too high maintenance for a divorced guy with child support to pay.



You're playing games.If you invite someone out to lunch you either tell them upfront that you only have a certain amount of money to spend or you tell them that this will be a dutch date.You don't invite someone out and test them by what they order.If you don't tell her then how do you want her to know not to order over a certain amount? Are you hoping to find psychics to date?


As for the op and her question,well not many people want to face a raging screaming rejected person out in public.Most people would like to believe that they would be cool,calm and collected when they are rejected to their face in public,but the truth is most people would not handle the situation so maturely.
 duckpie
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 67
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 12:18:23 PM

I send them real pics of me, do not hide anything so everything is on the table to start with.

That's where you are wrong.
There is how you see yourself, and how they see you.
You may think you aren't hiding things, but you hide things from yourself all the time.
If they see you differently, even slightly, than you see yourself it's going to create stress.
It's a no win situation to try and point out the difference with a stranger. So it's either say something, and it turn out badly, or say nothing/pretend nothing is wrong and it simply ends.


Guys wouldn't it be freeing and so much better to just be upfront and say thank you, you're great but the spark is just not there.

No.
It's easier to just disappear. It's more freeing to have no responsibility at all and simply move on. Lies save time in the short term.
The only reason to say anything is because someone sees themselves as the type that does.
They see themselves as "honest" or "courageous" or "up front" or "real" so they have to try and be consistent with that.
If they aren't consistent with their self image, words and deeds, then they have to do things like come onto forums or put on their profile how they are honest, or courageous, or up front, or real. To make what they believe true by others believing it for them and treating them as such.


We are big girls here and we understand that a single female is not every man's cup of tea.

Then why the forum?
If you were a big girl and could handle behavior of other people...why try to change what their behavior is rather than simply focus on yours towards others?


Gals, wouldn't you rather be told upfront so you're not left wondering?

IME something phrased like this always = "I want control over everything. I am controlling and manipulative and solipsistic. It's about what I want. Me me me. You have to live up to what I think is right. But I know that is seen as 'bad.' And that won't get me what I want. So instead I am going to pretend it's good for you, it's for your own good. And if I get other people to believe it than it must be true."
 seasaltman
Joined: 9/7/2010
Msg: 68
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 12:37:33 PM

Guys wouldn't it be freeing and so much better to just be upfront and say thank you, you're great but the spark is just not there. We are big girls here and we understand that a single female is not every man's cup of tea. It just happens and that's the way life is.


It takes me a while to read and take in a womans personality in e-mail form or in person over the first meeting (cup of coffee etc...). I am admitantly slow to ask for a formal date and have lost a couple matches that way.
My counterparts seem very quick to drop off the radar when things are slow to advance.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 69
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 1:29:41 PM
Someone you've been on a couple dates with owes you nothing, including an explanation as to why they're not interested or calling.

Sure, it may bother you, but it's best to just forget and move on.
 Big_fun_wave
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 70
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 5:22:05 PM
I think the reason why some may be retisent at first is because their hoping to build some intrigue. Some intrigue with you of them that is. What, do you expect them to tell you their madly in love with you after a few dates? If they did, you and others probably would not believe it anyway, even if it was somehow true. Being upfront can be a good thing, but you don't want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 71
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:25:29 PM
Both parties tend to be a bit guarded with their egos at least in the beginning of the meet. Hopefully things warm up a little and you get over the nervous tensions.

By the end of the date you should know how the other feels without the words being spoken. Ever heard of actions being louder than words? I pay attention to body language. Conscientious of both what is being sent my way as well as what I am communicating back.

She would know if I liked her. I'd make sure she knew.

So that would mean, if you walked away unsure, then they weren't that into you.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 72
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:45:13 PM

By the end of the date you should know how the other feels without the words being spoken. Ever heard of actions being louder than words? I pay attention to body language. Conscientious of both what is being sent my way as well as what I am communicating back.

She would know if I liked her. I'd make sure she knew.

So that would mean, if you walked away unsure, then they weren't that into you.


Not always the case...

I had a date, and the chemistry was making the room smokey... (I wasn't imagining it either). Touches, light kisses, laughing... everything. He walked me back to my car, and said it was the best date he had ever had... I got a text by the time I got home, saying we should see each other again soon... I texted back with a similiar response... Three days later he sends a text saying "No chemistry, we should just be friends......"
I was totally struck dumb... I had never felt so much chemistry oozzzzzzzzzing from a person...... WTH!!! I guess he choose to act the part and lie.......rather than be honest or say nothing, which would have been preferred by me...

(or maybe he was trying to get laid! You just never know!)
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 73
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:50:53 PM
I've never actually had that issue.. usually if I dont feel the spark, ive been lucky because they dont usually feel it. I am guilty of dropping someone once I feel no spark.. UNLESS I could see a good friendship coming out of it, then I'll let them know about that.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 74
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 7:07:56 PM
Azul-

Agreed. I should have said usually, generally or in most cases. There are those situations where someone was being dishonest just to get laid or for some reason had second thoughts once they had time to come down from cloud 9.

Then there are those people who would let someone special, such as yourself, slip away with no apparent reason other than a total lapse of reason.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 75
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/15/2010 12:42:31 AM
OP
according to the opinion obtained from the many forum fishies: men/women aren't honest in case they have another fish in the other fishing rod (line?) You know a back up plan. Another general concensus is that they may not want to hurt anyones feelings. You know, like flat out reject the person in case said person can't take rejection to well.

Now, OP don't take my word for it, I am not an expert heck I don't even fish I just read the forums, that's where I gathered my information from.

On a side note I still don't understand why all the drama over nothing? And I mean alllll the drama that seems to abound in the forums...just saying. Cheers everyone!
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