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 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 74
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking youPage 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I didn't read all the answers...just the original OP.
I think a good indication of whether or not someone
likes you (and vice versa) is you plan to meet again before
the meet is over. Doesn't have to be the next night or even
the same week, but something along the lines of "I had a
good time, I'd like to see you again, are you busy next week?"
If it's not said to me, I don't mind asking, but if I get something
like, I'm not sure, I'll check, I'll give you a call, I figure they aren't
interested and I don't waste any time thinking about it.

What I don't like is the pretending. If you're not going to call, don't
say you are. Nothing wrong with saying "I had a good time, thank you
and goodnight."
 likes_animals_wk
Joined: 7/22/2010
Msg: 75
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 9:55:42 AM
why don't you just ask? some guys give off clues.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 76
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 10:18:38 AM
sowrite- If I ask you on a second date, so far, so good. I like you enough to continue talking to you and trying to get to know you.

I figure by my asking you out again and my talking to you- that shows enough to you to let you know that I am interested in you. Doesn't mean I'm ready gaga over you or anything, just that I'm still, at the very least, tolerating you enough to continue to try to get in your pants!
 jsphn11
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 77
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 10:58:23 AM

Personally, I see a "challenge" as games. I like a guy who has interest to simply show that he has interest. To go on a date, enjoy it and go on another when it's apparent that we both like each other. To say you like each other and no have any pretense. I don't think a guy's desperate if he shows that he likes me early on. I think he's mature and not into games.

Same here. I like it to be clear and open.
 erota77
Joined: 10/7/2010
Msg: 78
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why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 11:45:47 AM
OP,
Sometimes a person might be striving to better themselves and would rather date and formulate relations, but to do so would not be fair to either. The problem lies in the fact that people in general rarely are honest with others when in this transition state. One reason is they do like that person and they do want to further the progress. Its maturity and a strong will to want to be a better partner in the next relationship, and sometimes this comes with sacrifice... Eliminate assumption to avoid pressure, but communicate this theory with him and understand if that truly is his case...I only give this opinion because currently this is my situation, and it’s a tug of war battle within me, much less having to describe my wayward actions to a potential partner.

BT
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 79
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 11:59:30 AM

Plus, some reasons are socially awkward. For example, if we meet for lunch on a first date, and you order the $50 lobster thermidor, chances are I'm not going to ask you for a second. Sorry, darling, but you'd be way too high maintenance for a divorced guy with child support to pay.



You're playing games.If you invite someone out to lunch you either tell them upfront that you only have a certain amount of money to spend or you tell them that this will be a dutch date.You don't invite someone out and test them by what they order.If you don't tell her then how do you want her to know not to order over a certain amount? Are you hoping to find psychics to date?


As for the op and her question,well not many people want to face a raging screaming rejected person out in public.Most people would like to believe that they would be cool,calm and collected when they are rejected to their face in public,but the truth is most people would not handle the situation so maturely.
 duckpie
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 80
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 12:18:23 PM

I send them real pics of me, do not hide anything so everything is on the table to start with.

That's where you are wrong.
There is how you see yourself, and how they see you.
You may think you aren't hiding things, but you hide things from yourself all the time.
If they see you differently, even slightly, than you see yourself it's going to create stress.
It's a no win situation to try and point out the difference with a stranger. So it's either say something, and it turn out badly, or say nothing/pretend nothing is wrong and it simply ends.


Guys wouldn't it be freeing and so much better to just be upfront and say thank you, you're great but the spark is just not there.

No.
It's easier to just disappear. It's more freeing to have no responsibility at all and simply move on. Lies save time in the short term.
The only reason to say anything is because someone sees themselves as the type that does.
They see themselves as "honest" or "courageous" or "up front" or "real" so they have to try and be consistent with that.
If they aren't consistent with their self image, words and deeds, then they have to do things like come onto forums or put on their profile how they are honest, or courageous, or up front, or real. To make what they believe true by others believing it for them and treating them as such.


We are big girls here and we understand that a single female is not every man's cup of tea.

Then why the forum?
If you were a big girl and could handle behavior of other people...why try to change what their behavior is rather than simply focus on yours towards others?


Gals, wouldn't you rather be told upfront so you're not left wondering?

IME something phrased like this always = "I want control over everything. I am controlling and manipulative and solipsistic. It's about what I want. Me me me. You have to live up to what I think is right. But I know that is seen as 'bad.' And that won't get me what I want. So instead I am going to pretend it's good for you, it's for your own good. And if I get other people to believe it than it must be true."
 seasaltman
Joined: 9/7/2010
Msg: 81
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 12:37:33 PM

Guys wouldn't it be freeing and so much better to just be upfront and say thank you, you're great but the spark is just not there. We are big girls here and we understand that a single female is not every man's cup of tea. It just happens and that's the way life is.


It takes me a while to read and take in a womans personality in e-mail form or in person over the first meeting (cup of coffee etc...). I am admitantly slow to ask for a formal date and have lost a couple matches that way.
My counterparts seem very quick to drop off the radar when things are slow to advance.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 82
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 1:29:41 PM
Someone you've been on a couple dates with owes you nothing, including an explanation as to why they're not interested or calling.

Sure, it may bother you, but it's best to just forget and move on.
 Big_fun_wave
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 83
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 5:22:05 PM
I think the reason why some may be retisent at first is because their hoping to build some intrigue. Some intrigue with you of them that is. What, do you expect them to tell you their madly in love with you after a few dates? If they did, you and others probably would not believe it anyway, even if it was somehow true. Being upfront can be a good thing, but you don't want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 84
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:25:29 PM
Both parties tend to be a bit guarded with their egos at least in the beginning of the meet. Hopefully things warm up a little and you get over the nervous tensions.

By the end of the date you should know how the other feels without the words being spoken. Ever heard of actions being louder than words? I pay attention to body language. Conscientious of both what is being sent my way as well as what I am communicating back.

She would know if I liked her. I'd make sure she knew.

So that would mean, if you walked away unsure, then they weren't that into you.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 85
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:45:13 PM

By the end of the date you should know how the other feels without the words being spoken. Ever heard of actions being louder than words? I pay attention to body language. Conscientious of both what is being sent my way as well as what I am communicating back.

She would know if I liked her. I'd make sure she knew.

So that would mean, if you walked away unsure, then they weren't that into you.


Not always the case...

I had a date, and the chemistry was making the room smokey... (I wasn't imagining it either). Touches, light kisses, laughing... everything. He walked me back to my car, and said it was the best date he had ever had... I got a text by the time I got home, saying we should see each other again soon... I texted back with a similiar response... Three days later he sends a text saying "No chemistry, we should just be friends......"
I was totally struck dumb... I had never felt so much chemistry oozzzzzzzzzing from a person...... WTH!!! I guess he choose to act the part and lie.......rather than be honest or say nothing, which would have been preferred by me...

(or maybe he was trying to get laid! You just never know!)
 foreverstacey
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 86
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:50:53 PM
I've never actually had that issue.. usually if I dont feel the spark, ive been lucky because they dont usually feel it. I am guilty of dropping someone once I feel no spark.. UNLESS I could see a good friendship coming out of it, then I'll let them know about that.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 87
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/14/2010 7:07:56 PM
Azul-

Agreed. I should have said usually, generally or in most cases. There are those situations where someone was being dishonest just to get laid or for some reason had second thoughts once they had time to come down from cloud 9.

Then there are those people who would let someone special, such as yourself, slip away with no apparent reason other than a total lapse of reason.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 88
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/15/2010 12:42:31 AM
OP
according to the opinion obtained from the many forum fishies: men/women aren't honest in case they have another fish in the other fishing rod (line?) You know a back up plan. Another general concensus is that they may not want to hurt anyones feelings. You know, like flat out reject the person in case said person can't take rejection to well.

Now, OP don't take my word for it, I am not an expert heck I don't even fish I just read the forums, that's where I gathered my information from.

On a side note I still don't understand why all the drama over nothing? And I mean alllll the drama that seems to abound in the forums...just saying. Cheers everyone!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 89
why are men not upfront about liking you or not liking you
Posted: 10/15/2010 10:23:13 AM

She would know if I liked her. I'd make sure she knew.

So that would mean, if you walked away unsure, then they weren't that into you.

No, actually I agree with this. If a guy is consistently this way after the first meet and after we've met a couple times, this is right on the money. Anyone can fake it the first time to get through the meet, or may even really like me that day and change their minds, but if they don't keep the same attitude longer, they're not into me (or they are going to be to much work to deal with if they are).

On a side note I still don't understand why all the drama over nothing? And I mean alllll the drama that seems to abound in the forums...just saying.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this a lot here. Dating should be fun and easy to deal with, otherwise, why bother? If it's not, people are generally doing something wrong.
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