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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is online dating a waste of time for men?      Home login  
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 DTFan88
Joined: 6/8/2010
Msg: 101
Is online dating a waste of time for men?Page 5 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Still, I'm sure it helps women's self esteem tremendously to see all of these guys e-mailing them (even if they are superficial comments regarding appearance,etc.). If their friends ask them how the internet dating thing is going they can brag about how many replies they are getting,etc. Their egos have to be getting a boost. Contrast that to a guy who has sent out 50-100 messages with no replies at all. There is no comparison. How can he feel better about himself with that type of outcome? I think (as others have mentioned) that online dating isn't a waste of time for us men as long as we don't use it as our main venue of dating. It should just be used as a supplement and not expect too much.
 Rarebird76
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 102
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 10:50:23 AM
If I was a woman and got scads of messages daily from men which were undesirable, crude, sexual etc I would make my pics private and do the 'selecting' myself. But that's the logical part of my brain again.....
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 103
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 11:49:17 AM
Given the experiences Ive had through this site thus far, I'd say that it hasnt been a waste of time. If you're learning some new things about yourself, and how you deal with the opposite sex in particular situations, then its never truly a "waste of time"
 jamisond
Joined: 7/31/2010
Msg: 104
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 12:40:39 PM
When I send out a message I do not even monitor the statues anymore. I just send the message and then go to "sent mail" delete it and forget about it. If I get a reply great! Sometimes I feel I get a reply out of courtesy which is nice but I prefer to only get a reply if they are interested so it's not misleading and we don't end up pen pals with no real attraction.

I have experienced the vanishing act a few times and have been guilty myself of vanishing once with one particular person only because I felt I was mislead by her profile after communicating for awhile. She was nothing like her profile suggested in terms of just about everything.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 105
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:04:42 PM
no see my post in the thread ...So How Does Fishing Really Work?
Posted: 9/16/2010 3:51:13 PM
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 106
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:05:21 PM

Still, I'm sure it helps women's self esteem tremendously to see all of these guys e-mailing them (even if they are superficial comments regarding appearance,etc.)

No, not necessarily the case.
Imagine that some of the approaches you got in life were from women who you thought were repulsive in their manner or appearance or in whatever other thing is important to YOU. They repel YOU. Does that boost your esteem? Do you brag to your friends about them?
I think not.

These messages are cyber versions of some drunk horny idiot brushing up against your boobs or butt in a bar. He's not complimenting us, he's merely identifying us a a hole he'd put his penis in. This is not flattering or ego-boosting. The majority of women don't like it in a bar or online. Comes with the territory. Price we pay.

Putting up pictures on a profile? Most people trying online dating realize that doing that comes with the territory. I get horny idiots writing to me when I have no picture. Why? BECAUSE THE MESSAGES ARE ABOUT THE HORNY IDIOT'S EGO, NOT ABOUT THE RECIPIENT'S.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 107
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:24:17 PM
Imagine that some of the approaches you got in life were from women who you thought were repulsive in their manner or appearance or in whatever other thing is important to YOU. They repel YOU. Does that boost your esteem? Do you brag to your friends about them?
I think not.


I agreed but the big difference with is that this happens so infrequently to most men that it does not get under our skin the way it does with some women. I can't say I have had too many offers from women that were repulsive and if I got one that was undesirable I quicky let it go. The ones that were attractive but not my cup of tea were flattering and yes good for my esteem. I think its kind of a numbers game when it comes to how fed up we get with offers we don't particularily care for.

There are such things as too many or not enough compliments and I think those that tend to get many are less receptive to them ( and I am not talking about the messages that you feel are repulsive ) As an example - my ex had very long thick shiny hair and everywhere we went men and women were paying her compliments on it. Most of the time she found it annoying - she would thank them politely and after they left she would say to me something to the effect of " What they don't think I know I have nice hair or something" because she was simply tired of hearing it.
 LongLensman
Joined: 9/7/2010
Msg: 108
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:27:59 PM
and the best part about a club is after a few drinks you can get her attention by brushing up against her boobs or butt
 LongLensman
Joined: 9/7/2010
Msg: 109
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:34:31 PM

she would say to me something to the effect of " What they don't think I know I have nice hair or something" because she was simply tired of hearing it


That's why I don't often compliment a woman's breasts or butt because she KNOWS she has a nice rack so I'll stick with the brushing up against them to get her attention

 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 110
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:35:54 PM
I said:

It hardly matters if I, or most other women, get 200 first messages a day saying "u r hot I'd do u"
... Ditto for the ones that say "nice tits" "I like your ass" "u r sexy wanna hook up" blah blah blah.

LivingintheRealsaid:

Its a little hard to believe you get 200 messages a day from guys just wanting to talk about your .... well
I mean, do you receive any messages for descent people at all?

Perhaps you should work on your reading comprehension.
Do you understand the meaning of the word "if"?
How about the meaning of phrase "it hardly matters"?
Did I claim anywhere in my post to be getting any particular number of messages a day?
Did I say that I never receive "any messages from [decent] people"?

I date quite a bit from this site. The men I exchange messages with, and usually eventually meet, are all ones who
-have profile TEXT worth reading,
-bothered to read my profile before writing to me,
-express an interest in me beyond the fact that I have a vagina and breasts,
-obviously could actually see for themselves that we had at least some things in common expressed in both our profiles (because they understand that if it's not there for me to read, I can't possibly know what "connection" he sees).
These guys are only about 10% of the men who message me. Those POFers are my "choices," and the majority of them I meet. if we don't meet, it's usually a mutual drop.

The overwhelming majority of the messages I get are from men interested in meeting or chatting who did not read, or ignored what my profile clearly says. I get no ego boost from hearing from dullards or desperate (and idiot horndogs count as desperate) men. In fact, it has the opposite effect.
 LongLensman
Joined: 9/7/2010
Msg: 111
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/16/2010 2:56:31 PM

The point is that women on average find more successful dates than men on average. As a direct result the site is overall 'better' for women than for men.


Agreed... so let's go to the club

 Quadrophonic84
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 112
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 4:21:02 AM
The funniest thing happened when I finally decided I'd had enough of the women in Arizona. I wrote a rant (which is still on my profile) and the number of messages I got per day exploded. I generally got a few a week when my profile said, "Hey I'm a great guy. I have a degree, a great job, a sense of humor, and I play five instruments." but changing it to a scathing, insulting diatribe seemed to really draw women in.

Women love it when you act like you don't need them. The chase makes them feel alive. For the most part, they are masochists by nature. It's why so many of them stay with awful guys at some point in their lives. A nice, safe guy is boring to them. I was very naive when I got into the dating scene and I was always gentlemanly and respectful and treated women the way I wanted to be treated. I didn't get very much respect in return. Now that I'm jaded and don't really consider their feelings, they chase me.

-Alex
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 113
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 7:32:14 AM

I myself for the record, don't spend much time dating from an on-line site

Please, please explain to us how you - of course, since you are one of the "good" people - follow a strict guideline of seizing ALL opportunities to pursue dating every, or nearly every woman who would ever contact you on an online dating site because EACH of them, just by virtue of having contacted you, is a viable, realistic CHOICE for YOU, right?
Including the ones you are sure you have no interest in, and the ones who want things you don't want, and the ones who don't want what you want, and the ones you think are unattractive, and the married ones, and the ones who live thousands of miles away, right?
AND you would do so regardless of how many messages you get or how much time and money it takes, right?

Inquiring minds want to know!
Regale us with stories about your great dates with women you find unappealing, and have no interest in!
If you don't have any online stories, tell us about the great dates you have with women you find unappealing and have no interest in that you encounter in the real world!
Because, of course, you avail yourself of all of those opportunities, too, right? Just like all "good" people do.

After all, we should all aspire to become accept-all-comers Online Dating Doormats ... oops, I mean high-minded martyr-like Online Dating Saints.

We all need to learn how to do this right!
So enlighten us - from the experiences you must have as a "good" person - as to the virtues and wonders of dating all comers, regardless of whether they are blatantly "not matches" for you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yep, men shouldn't even consider reading how any woman perceives getting lots of messages. Not my posts, and not any of the dozens of posts by other women that say basically the same things I did. What could we possibly know about our in-boxes, or what we think?

Best to go with the brain trust of male mind-readers who KNOW "our" experiences, perceptions, thoughts, strategies, methods, and goals (even though we are all individuals) ... AND what we should and shouldn't be doing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't help but wonder why, if what I say is so irrelevant and unreliable and invalid and "pandering" (wtf? to who?), why would anyone, with msg 98, on page 4, decide to go back to page 1, msg 4 to quote me? Surely there was some "worthwhile" opinion that could have been glommed onto?
Oh, I know: to express his opinion that women reject men because they are "average," and for some reason my post (or me?) was THE post to use as the launching pad.
Trouble is, it's crystal clear that I wasn't in any way referring to anyone being average or not average. Msg 4 isn't remotely about that.

This is a forum. Posts and responses do not equate with "attempting to force a point of view on others."

I'm done.
 DTFan88
Joined: 6/8/2010
Msg: 114
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 7:37:52 AM

Imagine that some of the approaches you got in life were from women who you thought were repulsive in their manner or appearance or in whatever other thing is important to YOU. They repel YOU. Does that boost your esteem? Do you brag to your friends about them?
I think not.

It always made me feel good no matter what the girl looked like if she flirted with me or showed some type of interest. I've had women that I worked with or knew from school that really liked me, but they were unattractive to me for some reason (obese,etc.) but I still appreciated their interest. It was very flattering.
 Quadrophonic84
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 115
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 7:47:39 AM
Heh, thanks. I count myself somewhat lucky as I was in serious committed relationships for most of college so I didn't have to deal with 20 going on 12 year olds that much. I'm paying for it now though.

I've gone out with a couple women in their 30s and both of them got fed up with me after the 2nd date because I didn't jump their bones (I'm one of those rare men who likes to know the woman he's sleeping with). I guess it's true what they say about women in their 30s peaking sexually. It's a shame they only wanted sex because the conversation was a lot more interesting.

-Alex
 DTFan88
Joined: 6/8/2010
Msg: 116
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 7:47:54 AM

Desirable men have a great time in courting and mate selection, undesriable men have the opposite experience. Whether you're in a club, in a social group, or online, the forumla works out the same.

I disagree that the formula is the same whether online or in the real world. Online is way different. Many guys that are more successful in the real world bomb out online. In the real world you have the benefit of using your body language effectively,etc. Online almost every guy thinks he is being unique by complimenting the woman, commenting on something in her profile,etc. It's too easy to get overlooked and grouped in with the masses with this approach though. I'm beginning to believe****-funny and mixed compliments (negging) are the best way to stand out online (even though I'm not very good at that yet).
 DTFan88
Joined: 6/8/2010
Msg: 117
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 8:02:53 AM
I agree with whoever said that men have to have thick skin to stick with online dating. Imagine if a man was using online dating as his sole avenue to meet women. If he was sensitive and thin-skinned the lack of interest in him online could carry over into his real-life interactions as negative energy and hurt him in that arena as well. It's probably better to focus on real world interactions first and use online as a novelty(if you are sensitive). It would probably help keep one's attitude positive.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 118
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 1:30:47 PM
WOW another wah wah about emails, big surprise!! Why didn't you just add it to the mega thread about this, think it's up to 110 pages now, what is it "online dating sucks for men, great for women" sumthin like that!!

You should just contact some women from the forums and ask what it's like.

29 out of 30 emails are wha's up or your hawt or wanna sex it up or just hi!

NO despite what your mommy told you, you ain't that cute to everyone of the opposite sex.

If you figure it out, it works jus fine. For 1,133rd time I will say I get a 60% response rate and 2 or 3 women write me first every 2 weeks on average. Now I'm not dating now, and will leave here shortly. BUT my numbers are normal and ain't even that good. I know some guys who average 70 or 80%.

BUT your numbers don't improve with more emails, just better emails and more focused targets(women you actually have somethings in common with) than how many you write.

Now if you both like art shows, hiking and similar music, you have a much better shot than the "your hawt" guy. Further don't get bitter in your profile, it ain't attractive.

Another side note is if you spend 72 hours a week playing WOW or watching Giligan reruns, and she is into skiing, sailing and running I doubt you'll get far.

Now wake up, stop b1tching and date.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 119
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 1:57:30 PM

I disagree that the formula is the same whether online or in the real world. Online is way different. Many guys that are more successful in the real world bomb out online.


I disagree.... I do just as well online as I do offline. I'm able to weed them out faster personality wise online though and faster looks wise IRL
The reasons are obvious: IRL looks are the first thing you see, online personality is the first because you don't REALLY know what they look like due to all the liars out there.
You have to assume the pictures are old or deceptive.
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 120
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 3:22:56 PM

jinx,
You claim that getting a large number of messages does not equal more "choice".

No, that IS NOT what I said.
I said "LOTS of mail does not equal LOTS of choice."
That is not the same thing. "Lots" and "more" have entirely different meanings.

You also say that your "choices" are about 10% of the total messages you receive.

Yes. About 2 or 3 out of 20 represent any sort of possible suitable match. 7 to 10 of those 20 would be long-distance, and I clearly say I'm not interested in a long distance relationship. The rest are mostly, in their own words, looking for a hookup or a FWB, which I also clearly say I'm not interested in. They completely wasted their own time by writing to me.

Ten percent of 100 messages is more than ten percent of ten messages, so by your own accounting you do have more "choices" receiving more messages.

Here you are back to your word "more," and therefore addressing something I never addressed ... because it's so obvious it doesn't need to be written out.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 121
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 3:37:13 PM
I get a 60% response rate and 2 or 3 women write me first every 2 weeks on average


Despite you saying what you get is average for a guy I fail to see that from reading the posts by other men including 600 emails for 5 dates. That may be average for you but not for most men on here IMO. Now compare that to the 20 to 100 messages a day some women are reporting and even a guy doing well on POF is still getting much less in the way of initial contacts and responses to his email. Irregardless however it is all about quality rather than quantity and I think there is some truth to the expression the harder who chase the faster they run away. Bottom line is if you are not or do not protray yourself as something many women are seeking you are not going to do well online or IRL. Why do some people lie in there profile - possibly because they think the real bait is just not going to cut it.
 jamisond
Joined: 7/31/2010
Msg: 122
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 4:04:34 PM
I have wondered myself why people lie on their profiles . They are just going to create a very awkward situation mean't for failure when they finally do meet. It's a waste of time.
 StarshipNarrator
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 123
view profile
History
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 4:08:27 PM
Why do some people lie in there profile - possibly because they think the real bait is just not going to cut it.


I think any self-respecting person would be candid in their profiles. It's true that a huge portion of women are seemingly seeking the same thing but of course that leaves another demographic that men can message and apply to. It could be 2% of women, 10% or even 30% of women, who knows?

People lie because they want to people please and fear rejection just because they don't have the same interests or beliefs as the majority. One can view it pessimistically and say 'Yeah, this is pointless' or optimistically and say 'Well I got rejected but I'm only getting closer to the person I want'. I think a lot of people have the former way of thinking after a while and delete their profiles in defeat.

A lot of women (arguably all?) want men who can 'be themselves' and in the light of this thread you almost want to scoff at it. If more men were unafraid to be themselves then more guys would be getting replies back, getting dates/relationships and it would all be a happy ending. But that's certainly not the case because women (and men) can't help but be truly attracted to a handful of people no matter how much they are 'open' or want people to be themselves.

My bottom line is that I refuse to believe that you have to lie to appeal to the masses. Sure, the road to finding the person you'd want could be more of a pain in the ass if you're totally sincere but like others have said it takes THICK SKIN. It's hard to have such a thing when things nowadays are all about instant gratification but I think it's worth it.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 124
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 4:59:10 PM
"Bottom line is if you are not or do not portray yourself as something many women are seeking you are not going to do well online or IRL."

While I have some issues with this statement, on one level at least it maybe true.

First off as far as I can tell "one woman" is enough, many can be a distraction.

Now as for "not going to do well online or IRL" that is the part that is true. Some men despite all their efforts, good intentions will do poorly. Fact of life I'm afraid. Yes it's free to join, but free will gaurnantee no dates.

Many men though would be well advised to put more efforts into IRL, than online. It is a cold hard fact that a thicker skin, a good sense of humor, and some ability to communicate is required, in addition to your looks.

Women and men are different in a couple of ways. First if a man is attracted to a woman's looks, she could be a shrew and he will give her a shot. Now women MAY give you a shot even if your looks don't tip the scale, if you can write a good email.

Again though there is no promise that it will work.

Women may appear to have more options because men contact women way more than the reverse. BUT if all the women who contacted you were unattractive to that man, would he be thrilled by say 12 emails a day from women he WOULDN'T date?

Yeah in the end, maybe this is another example of dating not changing like paying. Women don't pay, women don't do first contacts. OK yes there are some that do, but the majority don't. That may change, but not in the foreseeable future.

The key is the same for both sides I'm afraid. It's a free site! Women will come here and not date unless he's 99% of what she wants, it doesn't cost her anthing but time. Men will come here and contact women, maybe they will get lucky and meet a great one who likes him, it's free, it only costs him time.

But all the b1tching in the world will not change the way it is and how it works. So maybe some should optimize their efforts and learn from those who've had success. Or not, stay here and b1tch some more, will make some of you feel better I guess. Hahaha!
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 125
Is online dating a waste of time for men?
Posted: 9/17/2010 6:07:39 PM
I dropped this in another thread, it is appropriate here too.

internet dating, is one notch above dating off your TV.

ie hey that weather girl on channel 7 is cute, I wonder if she is single... no ring, I should email her !
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