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Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 22
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My EX.Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Theres no one that can answer you for this. You have to weigh going to see your daughter on her 21st birthday against the negatives of seeing your X. I don't think you should go there, though, expecting to patch everything up with him. You need to put those feelings away. If you can't get ahold of them, then you really have to caution yourself from going. I think thats what your gut is doing. Feelings are "thoughts in motion"....thats why they are called "e-motions". Your conscious is trying to protect you from hurt and heartache...sometimes this "fear" is totally "unfounded" and is actually keeping you from your goals. In other cases, its protecting you. In this case, it sounds like its protecting you.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 23
My EX.
Posted: 9/19/2010 2:52:22 PM
If you can stand the hurt when you see him, then I'd say to go - you'll be there for the young woman whom you like and who (by the sounds of it) likes you too and would appreciate it.
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 24
My EX.
Posted: 9/19/2010 4:00:51 PM
I can see why you had problems with communication. Why do you fear being honest emotionally with your ex or his family?

If it was me, I would go to the party, try to enjoy it as much as possible, but when the inevitable moment came when I was face to face with the ex and he asks "how are you doing", I would be honest with him. Telling him, it is difficult to manage with the change in the relationship, I am coping the best way I can, coming here was difficult, but your daughter is very important to me and I wanted her to know I care. Seeing you opens some wounds, but in time I will heal. This is a party, and I came to enjoy myself, so enough about that. Now I have to be on my way, as getting on with my new life has started and I have places to be.

Then leave.

Under no circumstances would I stay any longer than necessary. Leave him and the rest wondering what you could possibly be up to.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 25
My EX.
Posted: 9/19/2010 8:11:12 PM

Just don't show up with ambivalence or you'll darken the mood and be miserable yourself.

Good point. That could be worse for the birthday girl than not going.

He called, and it sounds to me as if he wants to see you.

Agreed. This is his second call about it. That's amounting to some pressure at this point, and given the mention that there's been no one since the split, it may not be about the birthday, per se. And it would be most awkward if he decided he wanted to have an "us" conversation in the middle of his daughter's party...

Personally, I think I'd still go, but with the modification, in light of the recent call, that I'd also call him beforehand and clarify that this is about her special day, and tell him that if he wants to talk, we can do that, but at another time, like, say, now. However, I realize that this degree of directness is not for everyone. (When necessary, it isn't all that easy for me either - I just take a deep breath and do it anyway!)

Alternatively, I also like *topchef*'s advice, in entirety.

It's very sweet of your daughter to be so supportive of you, and kind toward his daughter! Looks like you've got a real gem in her.
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 28
My EX.
Posted: 9/27/2010 3:40:09 PM
I would say if you can go and it will NOT set you back emotionally another 3-5 months...then go for it.

do NOT go with the inkling, idea or HOPE that this man is trying to get you back into his life as the way you were before.

he could be there with his new GF for all you know.
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 29
My EX.
Posted: 9/27/2010 4:34:59 PM
The kids have nothing to do with the break up and 13 years is a long time. I have two chldren and most of my exs see my children. They were not the cause of the break up. I know i broke up with someone 4 months ago and i can see them (though for the way we broke uilp we hate each other). It dosent hurt me to see her. I am glad she is gone and someone elses problem to deal with. BUt taking it out on the kids by not going is wrong. And being its a party you can casually aviod him or keep the conversation as light as possible
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 30
My EX.
Posted: 9/27/2010 6:58:17 PM

Update...I went to the party had a good time..Me n my ex were cival to one another..Cant believe I was worying bout this.
Thank you all who replied..xx.

Oh good! So glad to hear it. Must be quite a relief for you! And I'm delighted you were able to be there for his daughter. I'm sure it meant a good deal to her.

Thanks for letting your readers know how it went!
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