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 Julienamana
Joined: 4/24/2009
Msg: 26
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I can't read men... Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
holy crap greatfnguy, I get it, good lord Ive had the same question as the op in my head for years, you really put it out there, I think you just saved me years of time thinking and wondering why someone just up and disappeared. Wowsa your a smart dude lol
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 27
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I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 1:38:06 PM

Every time I see Carol Ann's name there, I cant help but think of the movie Poltergeist


I'm in your TV set, and I'm going to get you!!!!
 skirtsnboots
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 28
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 1:53:57 PM
The simplest question to have asked yourself when communication stopped:
Do I like him and does he appear as interested in me considering he has stopped contact?
The answer: Yes I do but it's a shame he doesn't seem to feel the same way or he would still be in contact.

It's your expectation for him to communicate 'whatever it is' to you.
You have a choice to let it go and realise that what you would do is not wha all people would or even should do.

He may have had a point in his life where he did say to a woman 'well sorry, it's just not working for me because of x, y and z' and that woman could have come back at him with the 'what did I do wrong over analysis type ramblings'

I always say if I'm not interested but I don't 'expect' it in return and nor do I chase a guy up if he does go quiet...it's actually ok by me.

Gotta admit though that if this is the kind of communication that some people would engage in as to the 'why don't you like me' thing then I'm not surprised that more people don't just disappear off the face of the earth.

I've never been in favour of 'closure' and don't need it. It's a waste of energy sometimes..a lot of the time actually! *sigh*
 Julienamana
Joined: 4/24/2009
Msg: 29
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I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 2:32:10 PM
NO- big message to men- it is not better to appear busy and keep putting you off, give an explanation or just dont call, think about how you would like to be treated sorry but I just think that sucks, all your doing is stringing someone along and giving that false hope
 Captain_Wayne
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 30
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 2:49:04 PM
"women have been also known to pull the vanishing act out of nowhere as well"

About nine out of ten of them. There are a whole lot of people out there in cyberspace who for whatever reason, feel that they do not have to accord the same courtesies to people online that they do with people out in the world. Therefore it is ok to vanish in the middle of a conversation without saying goodbye, etc.
The same happens with the ones who message you after you write their profiles, sounding all excited, and then they vanish. I suspect that the most common reason is that while they are exchanging messages with you, they get a message from someone who looks more interesting and poof! They vanish from your radar.
 Hexie
Joined: 8/2/2010
Msg: 31
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 3:04:00 PM
Well, maybe I'm an idealist or a dreamer thinking that good communication could really make our lives much easier although I know it's not going to happen. I don't mean complaining, whining, explaining, rambling etc I mean talking ... Expressing one's point of few and feelings in a mature non-threatening and non invasive way. That's it. Life is complicated enough so why make it even worse by playing games and behaving as if we didn't care about each other. Unless, we really don't care... I do realise that even then feelings would be hurt however it might have been easier to overcome the pain knowing that we are being respected and taken seriously and not treated like air...
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 32
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 3:10:25 PM
or should I say didn't happen (bad timing) and puff...


As a young man I appreciated good communication from a woman about just what the "bad timing" meant...

If it was expressed well with much eye contact, warmth and touching, then it was mostly well received..
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 33
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 3:46:49 PM
In the circumstances described by the initial post, I felt that this was a rare instance in which no notification or explanation was really necessary. What had occurred was quite clear enough, IMO.

However, for the most part, I'm a pretty firm believer in calling and saying, "I'm sorry, this isn't working," when it isn't, you know, working. It's a relief once it's done, for the party who makes the call; and even if the recipient of the call is hurt, at least they know, and can therefore start to feel finished with it sooner. Best thing all around.

And this:

NO- big message to men- it is not better to appear busy and keep putting you off, give an explanation or just dont call, think about how you would like to be treated sorry but I just think that sucks, all your doing is stringing someone along and giving that false hope

... is an important message for many women, too! By far the worst option of all. At best, it's annoying - at worst, cruel. Also, excessively complicated. I don't know why anyone would do it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 34
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I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 4:53:10 PM
" I also believe I didn't do anything wrong and that it was not my fault and to be honest I don't feel shitty just disappointed that people actually do such things."

This is the crux of this [ancient] issue. Everyone who complains about someone 'disappearing,' male or female, has the same basic issue: they want life to work by a set of well-known RULES, so that they can live as they did as a child...where if you 'did nothing wrong,' then you STILL get your reward, whether the real task at hand was accomplished or not.
Real life NEVER worked that way. In real life, you can do EVERYTHING PERFECTLY, follow every request from your lover, fulfill EVERYTHING on their checklist, and so on...but they might STILL leave you. You will also find (if you are honest with yourself) that you ALSO don't want to HAVE TO reward everyone with what you said YOU would do, just because they "did everything right." After all, you aren't a THING to be purchased, you are a human being. You change and grow. What you thought you wanted, and said you wanted, and ACTUALLY wanted, might change overnight. Should you be required to EXPLAIN yourself to everyone who had expectations of you based on what you thought and said yesterday?
So just move on. If it gives you comfort to categorize someone who disappointed you as a "loser," or as "immature," or "rude and thoughtless," or as a "cad (I AM old fashioned!)", go ahead. But that kind of self-comfort will actually hold you back in the long run, and will CERTAINLY be a waste of time, no matter how many people you can find who agree with your judgment.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 35
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 5:10:19 PM

You're right it keeps bothering me because that's my nature I like to know why things happen and yes this is my problem not his. However I also believe I didn't do anything wrong and that it was not my fault and to be honest I don't feel shitty just disappointed that people actually do such things...


Okay,,,this disappearing act has been(and will continue to be) talked about forever. I've only quoted a bit of your comments,,,but I go on forever about your expectations of others.
"YOU" may want to know why things happen,,,but that will not always happen. Well, cause some things are not worth knowing. Get used to it, and understand this. "YOU" may or may not have doing something "wrong",,,but only in his eyes. Ask yourself,,,,does it REALLY, I mean, REALLY,,,,matter?????? If you are just starting to get disappointed in other and their actions,,,,get ready,,,you've got a long road ahead of ya.
I do believe the majority of people do NOT know how to handle any form of "confrontation" anymore. Too many thin skinned people out there, plus the ability to actually communicate(which includes LISTENING and HEARING what another is trying to say) is a lost art.
All I can say to you OP is that if you are sooooooooooo upset about this little scene,,,ask yourself how you would handle if the man in question came right out and told you HIS problem with you and him, together??????
 cenomeno
Joined: 4/21/2010
Msg: 36
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 6:24:08 PM
As bill the butcher says "have I had you before? - if not then don't call me by my Christian name".....

You need to have some sort of a relationship in order to demand "explanations".... A few dates don't make a relationship...
You're a stranger and he doesn't have to explain anything to a stranger.....

The end/
 Big_fun_wave
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 37
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 6:33:57 PM
Yep, it happens and has probably happened to everyone once. I've encountered this many times. For many people it's just easier to turn the page. It's an easy out sure, but you know, if anyone want's someone or something bad enough, they'll pursue it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/21/2010 7:01:58 PM
Don't "read" the opposite sex, just enjoy them! Reading them is tedious and beside the point of what they're there for. In fact, trying to read someone will only cause a contrived and awkward situation, and in the end what you find out isn't worth it.

I'd find it a lot easier if women could abstract themselves from such conversations so they don't respond emotionally. If I have to deal emotional reactions or state what I have to say in language that is so vague as to be conveniently misunderstood, then I'd rather not say anything.

Have to agree with this...women should abstract themselves from conversations about relationships - and so should some of you men. How else can you discuss and solve problems, or talk benchmarks if you're all emotional during the whole thing? Nothing gets done that way. Talk and troubleshoot now, go home and cry later on your own time.
 tarotdream
Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 39
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I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 12:50:34 AM
If you answer one question, you get two more.
If you answer two questions, you get four more.
If you answer four questions, you get eight more.

If you tell them "why" you will get a description of your undesirability.
 brunediddy
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 40
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I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 7:47:54 AM
Listen,

I'm no expert but heres my take as ive been on both sides of this situation and I'll try and say this nice, but im gonna make some sterotypes and generalizations here...so its probably gonna sound rude lol.

Rejection happens to most men early in life, and "striking out" is just part of the game...you just can't win em all...but its pretty crazy how some women cope with a fairly minor blow to the ego...and the hotter they are, they more nuts they go too.....they can develop "omg whats wrong with me syndrome"

The key here everyone, is that its just not a big deal...forget it and move on, quickly. Stop trying to analyze the why's of the situation, theres nothing to figure out, and nothing wrong with you.

Ok fine....you really wanna know????

Here is a list of likely "why you got dumped for no reason" explanations:

He just wanted to bang you, he finds you annoying but you have a great rack/butt
His wife/girlfriend came back from vacation/business.
Something you did seriously turned him off, i.e. bad breath/gross/stanky vajayjay
You could be a stage 5 clinger

And the number one answer is...ding! ding! ding!

a better (hotter/funner/younger) woman came along in his eyes.

It aint pretty but its the truth....my advice: remember you are a good person and its no biggie, you two just weren't a match...otherwise you'd be together right now. Go find a guy who will give you what you need, it sucks and its hard to find but thats the game and why we are all here.

buuuuuuuttt......

Likely you wont be able to forget him very easily because women always want the****ead guy that pushes them away.... then go around whining that they cant find a good man, when the good ones are already right under thier noses.

*opens can of worms*
 Hexie
Joined: 8/2/2010
Msg: 41
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 7:50:03 AM
Why is it that a guy only knows that a girl is interested in him if she sleeps with him? Can’t you read any other signals? Can’t you draw conclusions from conversations you have, touch, eye contact, smile, cuddling? Why is it always we have to prove we “care” by sleeping with you? That’s what I’m getting from some of the responses… yes we kissed yes there was some “action” but it seems that the most important for you is when a girl basically stretches her legs. You know what they say about a girl who does it too fast and what they say about a guy in the same situation. It’s a sad stereotype but it’s there and it’s commonly accepted and approved of.
I am not made of ice and I have my needs too and I know how to show feelings and that I care however I do not like when someone in some way demands from me to” prove” I’m interested the way that suits them. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to sleep with him – I wasn’t feeling well (no not migraine!) so I think I had a right to say no…?
I know that physical contact is important but in most cases when a girl sleeps with a guy on the first or second date he loses interest anyway (it happens to girls too I know but not as often as it is with guys). Been there done that. That’s why I can’t read you. You do not allow us to get to know you because we don’t sleep with you so you think we are not interested but at the same time if we do sleep with you, you lose interest anyway. We are two totally different worlds but it would be good if we managed to communicate clearly despite that especially when we get to know each other!
 Hexie
Joined: 8/2/2010
Msg: 42
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 7:56:39 AM
And by the way I did move on and the fact that I am writing about it is not because I can't forget him (done already) but because in general it is something that happens quite often and as any other topic here it may be worth rambling about for a while;-) there are no stupid problems as everyone is different so maybe we should respect the fact that one thing may be nothing for some while for others it's the end of the world?
 skirtsnboots
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 43
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 8:23:33 AM
If it's something that happens quite often to you then you need to take a step back and look at yourself as you are the constant.

It's not something that has happened to me often but if it did I'd take a look at what I do to turn people off.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 44
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 8:24:11 AM
And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to sleep with him – I wasn’t feeling well (no not migraine!)


DID you communicate that to him in the clearest way possible?



You do not allow us to get to know you because we don’t sleep with you so you think we are not interested but at the same time if we do sleep with you, you lose interest anyway.


No-win situation for you dear?
IF you want some advice from experience: Show that you are interested as best you can, then do it at the appropriate time..

A man who stays away afterwards, likely has issues or other girlfriends he is pursuing..

An experienced man who shares what he truly enjoys with you will come back for more and more..
And sometimes stay...
 Hexie
Joined: 8/2/2010
Msg: 45
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 8:33:44 AM
I am not saying it happens to me often I mean in general it happens to people (see comments above). It happened to me once and have learnt my lesson.
As far as I am concerned I did communicate it clearly... "Not that I don't want to it's just not now. "

"A man who stays away afterwards, likely has issues or other girlfriends he is pursuing.."
So you mean you judge us by the way we are in bed? nice:-) but on the other hand we do the same so yeah fair enough!
 Hexie
Joined: 8/2/2010
Msg: 46
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 8:36:16 AM
"The KISS OF DEATH! When we hear this excuse we suddenly turn and make an exit for the nearest door. If you feel that way now, we can only believe things will go down hill from there. If you`re not romantic in the beginning stages, we`re thinking you`re not sexual or a very good lover. Thats how it is!
Look, you`re basically someone a man can get quite turned off by very fast and i believe thats what has transpired.
Sorry..."

haha thanks:-) you made my day! it confirms your way of thinking is pretty limited!
 tinainhouston39
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 47
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 9:59:02 AM
I think we have all met this person before...lol I don't dwell on it I guess. I just consider at all times that everyone has options and they exercise them at will and without prior consent or reason. I of course don't do it, but understand that others do...why??...it's simple..because they can.
 Big_fun_wave
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 48
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 11:34:15 AM
That was good bruned. Well said! I'm with you and S.diesel. Both your run downs of the situation are rather accurate. I especially agree with diesel on the expectations comment. It's wrong for people men or women alike to want people to show interest in them soley on their terms.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 49
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I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 12:30:48 PM

And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to sleep with him – I wasn’t feeling well (no not migraine!) so I think I had a right to say no…?

by invoking your 'rights,' you imply he was unfair not to do things your way. this sounds exactly like the so-common whine of 'i'm such a nice guy! women are so unfair not to bang me!' as long as someone thinks there is the slightest correlation between compatibility/attraction and fairness, they are doomed to a life of bitter relating to other human beings.

you have a right to say no to sex, and he has a right to factor that into his interest level.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 50
I can't read men...
Posted: 9/22/2010 4:10:33 PM

Why is it that a guy only knows that a girl is interested in him if she sleeps with him?

Because that makes the interest pretty obvious.

Can’t you read any other signals?

Why should I have to read signals?

Can’t you draw conclusions from conversations you have, touch, eye contact, smile, cuddling?

Except for cuddling, no. I can't draw any accurate conclusion from those things. If I get as far as cuddling, the question is moot.

Why is it always we have to prove we “care” by sleeping with you?

It's not about proving anything. If you're sleeping with a guy to prove something to him, you're sleeping with him for the wrong reason. What's wrong with the idea that if you and a guy have different ideas about when to have sex, you ought to not date him and find someone whose ideas about sex are more in line with yours?

however I do not like when someone in some way demands from me to” prove” I’m interested the way that suits them.

Huh? Everyone, including you, wants to date people who are interested in the way that suits them. If what suits you differs from what suits some guy you want to date, the solution is to date someone else, not get in a tizzy because he doesn't see things your way.

And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to sleep with him – I wasn’t feeling well (no not migraine!) so I think I had a right to say no…?

You have the right to do whatever you want. The most sensible thing to do is make sure the other person understands that ``I have a migraine'' means you have a migraine and isn't one of those signals you want guys to pick up on. If you expect guys to read signals, you should expect them to think ``I have a migraine'' might be a signal for ``I'm not interested in sleeping with you any time soon.''

I know that physical contact is important but in most cases when a girl sleeps with a guy on the first or second date he loses interest anyway

If you had sex because you wanted to have sex instead of trying to use sex to manipulate someone into a relationship, it wouldn't matter. Don't have sex unless what you want is sex.

That’s why I can’t read you. You do not allow us to get to know you because we don’t sleep with you so you think we are not interested but at the same time if we do sleep with you, you lose interest anyway.

Well, if a woman wasn't interested in sleeping with me fairly quickly, I assumed she wasn't interested. If my assumption was wrong, well, that's life. No matter what you do, someone won't want to date you because of it. I made the choices I thought were best for me. I met my fiancee here, so from my perspective, I didn't miss out on anything by not dating women who had different ideas about dating and sex.

We are two totally different worlds but it would be good if we managed to communicate clearly despite that especially when we get to know each other!

If by that, you mean men and women are of two different worlds, that's not really accurate. I found women who didn't make me read signals and thought about dating and sex the same way I did. I'm sure you can find guys whose ideas about sex and dating are similar to yours. What you can't do is expect every guy you want to date to accomodate you. If you have different ideas about dating and sex than some guy you want to date, decide to date someone else.
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