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 Chill Pill
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 51
just curious....Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
From your profile:

" _____"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE"______"

I think your proving a point.... but not one about me..... maybe you ought to edit your profile. I think you maybe MISREPRESENTING yourself!!!!
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 52
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 6:48:56 PM
If you and a gal did a few exchanges of small-talk via email, and you threw out the notion of going out to a coffee-house to meet (and it was normally written), and she didn't respond:
a) 10% chance she's just weird, and doesn't really want to meet people online and freaked out
b) 10% chance she's a pen-paler. Like (a), but thinks people SHOULD "wait" forever (odd duck)
c) 35% chance she wasn't that interested as you thought -- but for reason of boredom, wanting to be nice, etc., she was writing you back and didn't realize the point of the site, thus bailed.
d) 35% chance a better, more fitting option came along for her that she was chatting with or went out on a date with and took it from there.
e) 10% chance she re-read your profile and realized there's some big check-mark against you that she didn't see before, and doesn't want to say 'no', but instead, give you that "hint" by never responding

Again, that's the top-of-my-head assessment *IF* your approach was cool, non-hasty, and normal.

In the end -- it's not a coffee thing. And even though disappearing IS kinda common (more common than you may think), if it happens just almost EVERY time -- you're probably being too hasty or odd about it in your delivery and no matter what -- she would have disappeared no matter what place you threw out there.
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 53
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 6:50:06 PM
"lol-- that is awesome! good for you OP-- I notice you took some of the suggestions about your pictures- and responded with grace to all of the replies!"

"I think that ice cream is a lovely alternate to coffee as welll!"

ive tried ice cream as well-still no luck
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 54
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 6:50:58 PM
"I'll give advice when the OP clears up if he's asking in email?
or in person?

If in email, then he needs to word it better.

If in person he should probably rehearse with a girl who is a freind.
He may look threatening while not meaning to.
(a common guy mistake)

which we'd never know unless a girl tells us that.
cus sometimes when we're nervous we appears mean."

ive tried inperson and email-neither has worked out for me :/
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 10:06:04 PM
Maybe you're asking her out for coffee before raising her curiosity level... Show her a little bit about you that she likes... Make her curious about the parts she hasn't seen...
Asking a gal out for coffee without first convincing her she might miss out on something if she doesn't meet you first is likely to FAIL...

Example 1> The picture in your profile looked quite nice - would you like to go out for coffee together?
No thanks....

Example 2> email...
(You discover that she's gone bungee jumping and has an artistic streak exhibited by her hobby of painting landscapes...)

You disclose that you occasionally go sky diving on weekends AND send her a couple awesome landscape photos from your photography hobby...

ONCE you've established that you share at least some interests in common then try chatting on the phone a couple of times... IF that goes well THEN you might want to suggest meeting... (Hint: I've noticed that having each other's cell # makes meeting the first time less awkward... Oh.. I last did this before talking on cell phone while driving was illegal... "Hi... I'm about 3 blocks down the road from XXXX and am running 5 min early/late - are you pretty much on schedule or should I stall a little? That way you can meet on your way in and walk in together...)

Remember the first meet isn't a "real date" it is just to get enough of a feel for each other to figure out if you really want to spend the afternoon / evening together... If it's going REALLY well you can ask if they're hungry or have any plans for the evening... (and possibly convert the "meet" into a "real" date.) Bottom line is RELAX!! You'll probably have to go on 6+ "coffee meets" before you meet someone that you "click" with... So if you really want to make a "love connection" you'll probably get tired of "coffee meets" yourself so having a few creative alternatives would not hurt...
just curious....
Posted: 9/22/2010 10:15:19 PM
By the way NO DINNER for first date... MANY women feel uncomfortable eating with / in front of someone they're just meeting for the first time... (so do yourself a favor and make sure you don't show up really hungry...)

You're not inviting for coffee via email are you? (that should probably be over the phone)
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 57
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/23/2010 5:42:34 AM
It can depend on how you are asking. Are you asking online or in person. A coffee date shouldn't be threatening. If she's interested , she will go. if she feels lonely, she may go.
If you are asking in a way to try to get her to feel safe, she may be sensing that. She may feel manipulated., and she won't go . We women are highly intuitive.(for the most part) I think you are sabotaging yourself for whatever reason. Be yourself, you may be more successful.
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 58
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/23/2010 6:35:34 AM
No, that shouldn't be viewed as a threat. In fact, when I'm ready to get out there again, thats exactly what I want to someone for coffee. Meeting for coffee is very non threatening. It suggests that you are meeting a friend and are not putting any real expectations on anything. Coffee dates allow you to see if you have face to face chemistry with that person. Asking a woman for coffee is also more respectful than asking her for a drink because the drink thing could be interpreted as "oh, he just wants to get me drunk so we can hook up".
So you are doing nothing wrong. Maybe it's just the women you are choosing.

Maybe some of the women are like me, just coming out of a relationship and wanting to get out there but scared to do it as well. When I do decide to get out there, meeting for coffee is exactly the kind of first meet/date I want.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 59
just curious....
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:17:01 AM
If they won't meet for coffee face to face, they won't meet for a relationship either. I see nothing wrong with the OP.

People are flakes online, just testing the waters, seeing who will bite. On my side of things, men say they want LTR, but then talk about having me in their bed in the first couple emails. When I question them about it nicely & remind them we haven't even met or been on a first date yet, all of a sudden I must be like their ex and they won't meet with a woman that's not "affectionate and passionate". If I went along with their BS, I would be tagged as slutty, and not the type of woman they want.

There was a man recently I really hit it off with, but he was hesitant about calling to set up a meet. When he finally did, I noticed the caller id spelled his last name a little differently. I googled it, and a facebook profile came up with him, his wifey, and grandchildren.

I believe you can save yourself a lot of time by meeting with them asap to see if they are who they say they are, how they live, and if they are really honest about who they present themselves to be.

It seems the so many are just looking for a reason to reject people for the slightest thing. I'm sorry I can't date you as you don't use the right brand of motor oil.

OP - if you find yourself feeling negative, take a break till your ready to try again. There's a lot of people with a lot of different motivations. God only knows what they are, but you have no control over that. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 60
just curious....
Posted: 9/23/2010 11:06:32 AM

Either you want to date or you don't.

Let me suggest an amendment to that-you want to date people you want to date. Having a profile on a dating site, or going to a local place of entertainment and adult beverages does NOT obligate one to go for coffee, bungie jumping, ice cream or to a rat-killing with someone who does not appeal to you. Rushing into a request for an in-person meeting in the first email DOES sound desperate. I'm not talking about prolonging the electronic communication for weeks,either. Many people who participate in online dating sites or go to other venues holding potential to meet prospective dates, DO have lives and cannot put those lives on hold so that they can IMMEDIATELY respond to a request for an in-person meeting, whether it's at a coffee shop, the White House, or Niagara Falls.
As for the ladies who use online dating sites as a source of free dinners, well, consider it a balancer to the guys who use it to engineer hook-ups/hit'n' run encounters. IMO both are despicable behaviors but it's a medium that lends itself to that sort of thing,to those of limited ethics.

And if you are making excuses not to meet because you are just not that interested in meeting the other person, tell them so so they can stop putting their time and effort into trying to get to know you.

Ever tell someone "thanks but no thanks" and get bombarded with angry emails-which can be HIGHLY annoying if you've given an alternate email or an IM ID?
Of course if one never turns down a request to meet, because one is 'here to date'! then I reckon such a situation would not have been experienced. Most of us are here to date with someone we see as a prospect for ongoing involvement-there are unfortunately just enough dinner whores and nooky hunters using this modality, to make NOT rushing into a meeting/date a sensible course of action.
How many times does it have to be said? Having a presence on an online dating site does not OBLIGATE anyone of either gender to meet all who contact. No one is entitled to, or owed, meetings/dates/relationship/sex from another person just because they are on the same dating site and other factors are "reasonable" (location, age range,etc).
Cindy O
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 61
just curious....
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:16:30 PM

Why can't people just say something pithy like "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening,

This is how I have always ended dates where I knew it was not going to go any further.I was even polite and cordial to mr ear wax sucker.I see no point in sitting there for hours with someone who in person there is no chemistry at all,and in fact there is boredom and even revulsion towards them?The truth is there is no point.Staying in that type of situation is torturing yourself for tortures sake.
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 62
just curious....
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:41:49 PM
just so EVERONE knows, i have NEVER opened up with the coffee line. i give it a few days to feel it out and when the time is right i go for it-however it seems my timing is way off.....
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 63
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/24/2010 12:09:58 AM

A coffee date shouldn't be threatening.

Oh, but they ARE. Police blotters across the country are chock full of complaints about creeps who lured unsuspecting women to coffee places and then took improper liberties with them.

Apparently, these offenses have often occurred in broad daylight, with many other people nearby. In some cases, the abuse has been so severe that it's even included a request by the offender to meet with his victim again.

The danger of going on these "coffee dates" is chronically underreported in the news, but it's something every single woman who wants to protect herself from the attentions of men should be aware of.
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 64
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/24/2010 7:34:02 AM

Police blotters across the country are chock full of complaints about creeps who lured unsuspecting women to coffee places and then took improper liberties with them.

The danger of going on these "coffee dates" is chronically underreported in the news

This has a lovely ring of "truthiness" to it. Did you glean this from Fox News?

This "nowhere is safe" idea probably accounts for the large percentage of people on internet dating sites that are happy to simply "virtual date" in 2D.
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 65
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/24/2010 7:50:49 AM

just so EVERONE knows, i have NEVER opened up with the coffee line. i give it a few days to feel it out and when the time is right i go for it-however it seems my timing is way off.....

Well, if you're actually having conversations with these gals, over multiple messages and days, then I see nothing wrong with your approach at all. If you are actually here to MEET people, then at some point, somebody has to say shit or get off the pot.

But as I posted above, I suspect there are plenty of people here who are addicted to the virtual attention. They may or may not be willing to actually meet someone, but in the meantime, are more than happy to anonymously chat and flirt with you as long as you are providing the attention they like. And your age bracket is probably more susceptible to that.
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 66
just curious....
Posted: 9/25/2010 10:56:12 AM
yep. Dont ask them right away for coffee. Text. email and phone call for a month or to. And do as i do, invite them to have lunch at yer lunch hour at werk. that way its only an hour and there is no threat and you her or both have a graceful ending if you actually dont like each other. All of these show you are interested but also if they feel uncomfortable they dont like you or them.
Joined: 10/26/2004
Msg: 67
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/29/2010 9:28:44 AM
is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening?

Now there's a deep thought. Maybe she'll spill some and get rewarded a million dollar lawsuit
and this quote by WaywardWynde is just wrong on so many levels

Offering coffee is in fact a good way to separate the wheat from the chaf.
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 68
just curious....
Posted: 9/29/2010 10:18:00 AM
OP -


if a woman has interest in you- she'll pretty much be open to anything.

anytime I ever try to ask a woman to meet (whether I met her online or IRL), and she says anything other than "yes"

i take it that she's just not that interested.

trust me- if a woman is interested at all in meeting you...guess what?

she will...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 69
just curious....
Posted: 9/29/2010 10:18:49 AM
I've learned to screen and detect early. Listening to someone (who makes no definite plans to meet me) blow smoke up my azz on the phone I swear will cause cancer.
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 70
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 9/29/2010 11:44:51 AM
There are a lot of women on here who just sign up so that they can whine and say that they are "trying but I just can't meet anyone." If they want to email and talk on the phone for more than a week ( yeah, I shortened it) and can't take five minutes for coffee and just want to write and talk on the phone, delete their email and number. They are amusing themsleves with you and don't really want to meet anyone.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 71
just curious....
Posted: 9/29/2010 1:21:28 PM

There are a lot of women on here who just sign up so that they can whine and say that they are "trying but I just can't meet anyone."'s been a deepening suspicion of mine that this is what MEN are doing-other than the ones who are looking for a quick, easy-peasy sexual encounter.
Socially and economically, looking at the overall larger picture, it's still more pressure on women to validate their existence and possibly upgrade their lifestyle by getting with a man in a marriage or "significant other" relationship. Some men may want to construct a defense to present to certain friends/family that they are "trying but just can't meet anybody".
I've had the seeds of this suspicion long before I came to PoF.

They are amusing themsleves with you and don't really want to meet anyone.

I could pretty much say the same about men on PoF or even other dating sites, but PoF seems to have a stronger tendency to that. With the exception of males who think they can convince you to come right to their house because " I think we are going to hit it off really well!" there are a lot of men that I would call "tire-kickers".
The men who are mostly content with being single and don't feel a need to have some kind of "defense" for their single state, aren't even ON internet dating sites.
I think that many women who are online DO want to meet someone, but someone who seems to be a good candidate for a serious relationship. Again, the fact of her having a profile on a dating site does not obligate her to meet any guy within reasonable age and location who messages her. But I think a lot of men will ASK women that are of the remotest likelihood, and then when the in-person meet happens, they can find some fault or cite "no chemistry"(Not that I'm discounting chemistry-not at all!)...but I do believe that you can get some sense of emotional/philosophical "chemistry" via email, phone conversations etc before you meet. I'm not advocating weeks or months of email and phone calls. but good grief, recognize that we are all adults here with LIVES, schedules, and logistics to deal with. Why would someone put a lot of time and effort into meeting someone that they really don't have much interest in?-all too often a more protracted communication is either a hope to FIND some emotional chemistry, or not wanting to risk an e-tantrum if SHE says," I really don't see much sense in us meeting-I don't think we'd be a good match."

If they want to email and talk on the phone for more than a week

That time-frame might be OK for retired, self-employed or unemployed people living in close proximity, but where some driving might be involved, or there are jobs, business concerns, kids schedules,etc, to be worked around, 1 week might be a bit unreasonable. But of course it sets up a PERFECT "I'm trying but I just can't meet anyone" for men, who can then go on to point out that women actually have the NERVE to have responsibilities, duties, employment/business and other concerns that have to come first.
Cindy O
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 72
just curious....
Posted: 9/29/2010 2:26:07 PM
it's been a deepening suspicion of mine that this is what MEN are doing-other than the ones who are looking for a quick, easy-peasy sexual encounter.

Some still don't even want to leave their damn house even if they are looking for a casual encounter, and just keep contacting a woman pretending their purpose is to set up a meeting, but instead trying to weasel their way towards some innappropriate conversation. They hide behind the phone or email to push boundaries and men like that would never have the guts to say half of the things they would face to face with a woman in a public place. The latest trend seems to be asking woman how "affectionate" and "passionate" she is before they will meet. Id rather not go through all the ambiguous testing-the-waters BS and just a nice friendly invite after establishing common interests, to meet in a public place and talk there. The OP seems like a guy who doesn't play those games and is sincere.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 73
just curious....
Posted: 9/30/2010 3:01:20 AM

It depends on each woman and how 'soon' you've asked to meet. I think it's important to take some time ( via emails/phone conversation) to find a comfort zone then meet in a mutually acceptable place. Book stores w/coffee shops are nice---it's public---not too loud and you can actually talk.

I call it the meet n greet---if there is any interest you're going to know pretty much right from the start.

Some women, as well as men, are very fickle about the first 'meet'--but given the fact there are a lot of loose cannons out in cyber-land, it's probably the reason why a lot less people are in any hurry to meet.

Hang in there..the right lady will come along, just need to be patient. Good things DO come to those who wait.
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 74
just curious....
Posted: 9/30/2010 7:43:03 AM

is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening?

For me, when a guy comes right out and asks to meet somewhere when we've only just met, my internal warning lights come on. It's involuntary for me. With so many horror stories out there it's hard for me to be trusting of a complete stranger. I also am a single parent which makes it even harder to let any guard down. I'm the type that has to know a little something about a person first, or have similar acquaintances in common so that I can find out more about them before any type of meeting, even coffee. I guess that means I'm doomed when it comes to dating. I've been "out of circulation" a very long time and it's not as easy as it was "back in the day".
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 75
view profile
just curious....
Posted: 10/1/2010 1:24:02 AM
While Fred makes a valid point about the alternative to coffee for people like myself that have never acquired a taste, Starbucks has hot chocolate, etc. so I think TxRedBull's points, that you may not make them feel comfortable enough before you suggest a first meeting.

Fred may also have a point with something you are putting out there or the type of women you seek out.
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