|just curious....Page 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4)|
|"I'll give advice when the OP clears up if he's asking in email?|
or in person?
If in email, then he needs to word it better.
If in person he should probably rehearse with a girl who is a freind.
He may look threatening while not meaning to.
(a common guy mistake)
which we'd never know unless a girl tells us that.
cus sometimes when we're nervous we appears mean."
ive tried inperson and email-neither has worked out for me :/
Posted: 9/23/2010 5:42:34 AM
|It can depend on how you are asking. Are you asking online or in person. A coffee date shouldn't be threatening. If she's interested , she will go. if she feels lonely, she may go.|
If you are asking in a way to try to get her to feel safe, she may be sensing that. She may feel manipulated., and she won't go . We women are highly intuitive.(for the most part) I think you are sabotaging yourself for whatever reason. Be yourself, you may be more successful.
Posted: 9/23/2010 6:35:34 AM
|No, that shouldn't be viewed as a threat. In fact, when I'm ready to get out there again, thats exactly what I want to do....meet someone for coffee. Meeting for coffee is very non threatening. It suggests that you are meeting a friend and are not putting any real expectations on anything. Coffee dates allow you to see if you have face to face chemistry with that person. Asking a woman for coffee is also more respectful than asking her for a drink because the drink thing could be interpreted as "oh, he just wants to get me drunk so we can hook up".|
So you are doing nothing wrong. Maybe it's just the women you are choosing.
Maybe some of the women are like me, just coming out of a relationship and wanting to get out there but scared to do it as well. When I do decide to get out there, meeting for coffee is exactly the kind of first meet/date I want.
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:17:01 AM
|If they won't meet for coffee face to face, they won't meet for a relationship either. I see nothing wrong with the OP. |
People are flakes online, just testing the waters, seeing who will bite. On my side of things, men say they want LTR, but then talk about having me in their bed in the first couple emails. When I question them about it nicely & remind them we haven't even met or been on a first date yet, all of a sudden I must be like their ex and they won't meet with a woman that's not "affectionate and passionate". If I went along with their BS, I would be tagged as slutty, and not the type of woman they want.
There was a man recently I really hit it off with, but he was hesitant about calling to set up a meet. When he finally did, I noticed the caller id spelled his last name a little differently. I googled it, and a facebook profile came up with him, his wifey, and grandchildren.
I believe you can save yourself a lot of time by meeting with them asap to see if they are who they say they are, how they live, and if they are really honest about who they present themselves to be.
It seems the so many are just looking for a reason to reject people for the slightest thing. I'm sorry I can't date you as you don't use the right brand of motor oil.
OP - if you find yourself feeling negative, take a break till your ready to try again. There's a lot of people with a lot of different motivations. God only knows what they are, but you have no control over that. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Posted: 9/23/2010 11:06:32 AM
Either you want to date or you don't.
Let me suggest an amendment to that-you want to date people you want to date. Having a profile on a dating site, or going to a local place of entertainment and adult beverages does NOT obligate one to go for coffee, bungie jumping, ice cream or to a rat-killing with someone who does not appeal to you. Rushing into a request for an in-person meeting in the first email DOES sound desperate. I'm not talking about prolonging the electronic communication for weeks,either. Many people who participate in online dating sites or go to other venues holding potential to meet prospective dates, DO have lives and cannot put those lives on hold so that they can IMMEDIATELY respond to a request for an in-person meeting, whether it's at a coffee shop, the White House, or Niagara Falls.
As for the ladies who use online dating sites as a source of free dinners, well, consider it a balancer to the guys who use it to engineer hook-ups/hit'n' run encounters. IMO both are despicable behaviors but it's a medium that lends itself to that sort of thing,to those of limited ethics.
And if you are making excuses not to meet because you are just not that interested in meeting the other person, tell them so so they can stop putting their time and effort into trying to get to know you.
Ever tell someone "thanks but no thanks" and get bombarded with angry emails-which can be HIGHLY annoying if you've given an alternate email or an IM ID?
Of course if one never turns down a request to meet, because one is 'here to date'! then I reckon such a situation would not have been experienced. Most of us are here to date with someone we see as a prospect for ongoing involvement-there are unfortunately just enough dinner whores and nooky hunters using this modality, to make NOT rushing into a meeting/date a sensible course of action.
How many times does it have to be said? Having a presence on an online dating site does not OBLIGATE anyone of either gender to meet all who contact. No one is entitled to, or owed, meetings/dates/relationship/sex from another person just because they are on the same dating site and other factors are "reasonable" (location, age range,etc).
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:16:30 PM
Why can't people just say something pithy like "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening,
This is how I have always ended dates where I knew it was not going to go any further.I was even polite and cordial to mr ear wax sucker.I see no point in sitting there for hours with someone who in person there is no chemistry at all,and in fact there is boredom and even revulsion towards them?The truth is there is no point.Staying in that type of situation is torturing yourself for tortures sake.
Posted: 9/23/2010 7:41:49 PM
|just so EVERONE knows, i have NEVER opened up with the coffee line. i give it a few days to feel it out and when the time is right i go for it-however it seems my timing is way off.....|
Posted: 9/24/2010 12:09:58 AM
A coffee date shouldn't be threatening.
Oh, but they ARE. Police blotters across the country are chock full of complaints about creeps who lured unsuspecting women to coffee places and then took improper liberties with them.
Apparently, these offenses have often occurred in broad daylight, with many other people nearby. In some cases, the abuse has been so severe that it's even included a request by the offender to meet with his victim again.
The danger of going on these "coffee dates" is chronically underreported in the news, but it's something every single woman who wants to protect herself from the attentions of men should be aware of.
Posted: 9/24/2010 7:34:02 AM
Police blotters across the country are chock full of complaints about creeps who lured unsuspecting women to coffee places and then took improper liberties with them.
The danger of going on these "coffee dates" is chronically underreported in the news
This has a lovely ring of "truthiness" to it. Did you glean this from Fox News?
This "nowhere is safe" idea probably accounts for the large percentage of people on internet dating sites that are happy to simply "virtual date" in 2D.
Posted: 9/24/2010 7:50:49 AM
just so EVERONE knows, i have NEVER opened up with the coffee line. i give it a few days to feel it out and when the time is right i go for it-however it seems my timing is way off.....
Well, if you're actually having conversations with these gals, over multiple messages and days, then I see nothing wrong with your approach at all. If you are actually here to MEET people, then at some point, somebody has to say shit or get off the pot.
But as I posted above, I suspect there are plenty of people here who are addicted to the virtual attention. They may or may not be willing to actually meet someone, but in the meantime, are more than happy to anonymously chat and flirt with you as long as you are providing the attention they like. And your age bracket is probably more susceptible to that.
Posted: 9/25/2010 10:56:12 AM
|yep. Dont ask them right away for coffee. Text. email and phone call for a month or to. And do as i do, invite them to have lunch at yer lunch hour at werk. that way its only an hour and there is no threat and you her or both have a graceful ending if you actually dont like each other. All of these show you are interested but also if they feel uncomfortable they dont like you or them.|
Posted: 9/29/2010 9:28:44 AM
|is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening? |
Now there's a deep thought. Maybe she'll spill some and get rewarded a million dollar lawsuit
and this quote by WaywardWynde is just wrong on so many levels
Offering coffee is in fact a good way to separate the wheat from the chaf.
Posted: 9/29/2010 10:18:00 AM
|OP - |
if a woman has interest in you- she'll pretty much be open to anything.
anytime I ever try to ask a woman to meet (whether I met her online or IRL), and she says anything other than "yes"
i take it that she's just not that interested.
trust me- if a woman is interested at all in meeting you...guess what?
Posted: 9/29/2010 10:18:49 AM
|I've learned to screen and detect early. Listening to someone (who makes no definite plans to meet me) blow smoke up my azz on the phone I swear will cause cancer.|
Posted: 9/29/2010 11:44:51 AM
|There are a lot of women on here who just sign up so that they can whine and say that they are "trying but I just can't meet anyone." If they want to email and talk on the phone for more than a week ( yeah, I shortened it) and can't take five minutes for coffee and just want to write and talk on the phone, delete their email and number. They are amusing themsleves with you and don't really want to meet anyone. |
Posted: 9/29/2010 1:21:28 PM
There are a lot of women on here who just sign up so that they can whine and say that they are "trying but I just can't meet anyone."
hmm...it's been a deepening suspicion of mine that this is what MEN are doing-other than the ones who are looking for a quick, easy-peasy sexual encounter.
Socially and economically, looking at the overall larger picture, it's still more pressure on women to validate their existence and possibly upgrade their lifestyle by getting with a man in a marriage or "significant other" relationship. Some men may want to construct a defense to present to certain friends/family that they are "trying but just can't meet anybody".
I've had the seeds of this suspicion long before I came to PoF.
They are amusing themsleves with you and don't really want to meet anyone.
I could pretty much say the same about men on PoF or even other dating sites, but PoF seems to have a stronger tendency to that. With the exception of males who think they can convince you to come right to their house because " I think we are going to hit it off really well!" there are a lot of men that I would call "tire-kickers".
The men who are mostly content with being single and don't feel a need to have some kind of "defense" for their single state, aren't even ON internet dating sites.
I think that many women who are online DO want to meet someone, but someone who seems to be a good candidate for a serious relationship. Again, the fact of her having a profile on a dating site does not obligate her to meet any guy within reasonable age and location who messages her. But I think a lot of men will ASK women that are of the remotest likelihood, and then when the in-person meet happens, they can find some fault or cite "no chemistry"(Not that I'm discounting chemistry-not at all!)...but I do believe that you can get some sense of emotional/philosophical "chemistry" via email, phone conversations etc before you meet. I'm not advocating weeks or months of email and phone calls. but good grief, recognize that we are all adults here with LIVES, schedules, and logistics to deal with. Why would someone put a lot of time and effort into meeting someone that they really don't have much interest in?-all too often a more protracted communication is either a hope to FIND some emotional chemistry, or not wanting to risk an e-tantrum if SHE says," I really don't see much sense in us meeting-I don't think we'd be a good match."
If they want to email and talk on the phone for more than a week
That time-frame might be OK for retired, self-employed or unemployed people living in close proximity, but where some driving might be involved, or there are jobs, business concerns, kids schedules,etc, to be worked around, 1 week might be a bit unreasonable. But of course it sets up a PERFECT "I'm trying but I just can't meet anyone" for men, who can then go on to point out that women actually have the NERVE to have responsibilities, duties, employment/business and other concerns that have to come first.
Posted: 9/29/2010 2:26:07 PM
it's been a deepening suspicion of mine that this is what MEN are doing-other than the ones who are looking for a quick, easy-peasy sexual encounter.
Some still don't even want to leave their damn house even if they are looking for a casual encounter, and just keep contacting a woman pretending their purpose is to set up a meeting, but instead trying to weasel their way towards some innappropriate conversation. They hide behind the phone or email to push boundaries and men like that would never have the guts to say half of the things they would face to face with a woman in a public place. The latest trend seems to be asking woman how "affectionate" and "passionate" she is before they will meet. Id rather not go through all the ambiguous testing-the-waters BS and just a nice friendly invite after establishing common interests, to meet in a public place and talk there. The OP seems like a guy who doesn't play those games and is sincere.
Posted: 9/30/2010 3:01:20 AM
It depends on each woman and how 'soon' you've asked to meet. I think it's important to take some time ( via emails/phone conversation) to find a comfort zone then meet in a mutually acceptable place. Book stores w/coffee shops are nice---it's public---not too loud and you can actually talk.
I call it the meet n greet---if there is any interest you're going to know pretty much right from the start.
Some women, as well as men, are very fickle about the first 'meet'--but given the fact there are a lot of loose cannons out in cyber-land, it's probably the reason why a lot less people are in any hurry to meet.
Hang in there..the right lady will come along, just need to be patient. Good things DO come to those who wait.
Posted: 9/30/2010 7:43:03 AM
is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening?
For me, when a guy comes right out and asks to meet somewhere when we've only just met, my internal warning lights come on. It's involuntary for me. With so many horror stories out there it's hard for me to be trusting of a complete stranger. I also am a single parent which makes it even harder to let any guard down. I'm the type that has to know a little something about a person first, or have similar acquaintances in common so that I can find out more about them before any type of meeting, even coffee. I guess that means I'm doomed when it comes to dating. I've been "out of circulation" a very long time and it's not as easy as it was "back in the day".
Posted: 10/1/2010 1:24:02 AM
|While Fred makes a valid point about the alternative to coffee for people like myself that have never acquired a taste, Starbucks has hot chocolate, etc. so I think TxRedBull's points, that you may not make them feel comfortable enough before you suggest a first meeting.|
Fred may also have a point with something you are putting out there or the type of women you seek out.
Posted: 11/12/2010 8:25:57 PM
is asking a woman to meet up for coffee viewed as threatening? because so far that line hasnt worked for me and ive tried it A LOT-can anyone out there help me?? how is a guy supposed to get to know someone if they wont even take 5 minutes out of their life to have a drink?
for a woman interested in a man, virtually NOTHING is too threatening...
that being said, perhaps you are asking these women too fast-- or NOT reading the woman enough to know they aren't really that interested in you.
basically - with online dating or any dating for that matter- you gotta put the woman in a situation where she's just dying to meet you....
she's sooo curious to meet you and to get to know who you are...
if you are not doing that- then you'll continue to get ladies not interested in meeting you.
Posted: 11/12/2010 8:52:50 PM
I've had three dates in the past week that included a bonfire, dinner and dancing under the stars, and a movie followed by a walk- all very nice and different.
Playaaaa! :D Seriously though, three dates? If you keep going at that rate, you're going to speed-date your way through all of Keller, Texas and have to move again.
I'm only saying this out of jealousy, of course. Three dates? ****.
Like someone else mentioned before, the problem isn't with where you are asking them to go, it is something else in how you are approaching the situation. Are you running in there with barely controlled excitement and screaming at them that you want to get coffee? You might be coming off as over-eager, which could potentially lead someone to think that you are a serial killer or rapist. Or just plan weird.
Try getting to know somebody longer before moving to the next step. Some people are suave operators and can convince someone to go for a drink or out to dinner after ten minutes of talking to them. Most people need to be patient and invest a little bit of time into a prospective partner before they start to see any returns.
Posted: 11/12/2010 10:40:59 PM
|^^ Good suggestion with the e-mail/phone contact. I also recommend Skype for situations like this, as it will allow both parties to see each other clearly and ensure that there are no surprises when you get together for your date.|
Posted: 11/13/2010 4:36:06 AM
|Maybe gals in your age range don't think coffee sitting at a table sounds that inviting..|
Maybe the gals you are asking just don't want to meet you.
Invite them to have a moonpie in the park and see who can swing the highest without getting sick..At least it's original and sounds like a challenge.
Posted: 11/22/2010 2:36:02 PM
|Dude, don't ask her out for coffee. This is what WUSSY's do.|
If you just want to get to know her, then just say that, no need to have coffee or anything like that (and there is definitely NO NEED to pay hers either)
Honesty gets you far.