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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & never married...............      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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Over 45 & never married...............Page 2 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
There's more than one issue in this OP.
First, as to the questions "are people who HAVE been married, different from people who HAVE NOT?" is, of course, "YES, ABSOLUTELY." But this is because any and ALL life experiences change us, so if you asked are ANY two categories of people different as a result of their different experiences, the answer would be yes, of course.
Now, are ALL people who have been married, and divorced, bound to be INCOMPATIBLY different from you? I doubt it. Individuals within any large group, including divorced people, are like snowflakes in that way.

I didn't look at your profile, so I wont comment on that.

You have expressed a lot of frustration and anger in your post. One thing in particular that caught my attention, is the phrase "How many women here think they might have had children had they found a loving, responsible, commited man?" This suggests to me that you are currently blaming others for your being single, and for your immediate impatience with others here and now. I suggest you examine this possibility, and work on it, since it might be that you are harboring resentments against people from your past, that you are venting at the very men you are looking to get together with...this might be causing you to SELECT people who will fit the negative picture you are carrying, and result in more failed attempts to hook up with someone. Perhaps your strong negative beliefs about ex-married people is due to this resentment, and you see them all as " MEN WHO LEAVE WOMEN. "
Not accusing, just suggesting this for your consideration.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 27
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 3:04:23 PM
IgorFrankenstein - You are right - I do feel resentment now and then towards men in my past, but just as I do not want to be blamed for what an ex-wife has done, I also am open, honest, kind, friendly and fair to each new man I meet - Then when it seems they want to schtoop right out of the starting gate without even trying to get to know me - or they want me to prove that I am more sexual than their ex, I politely tell them what I am looking for and they still continue on with their BS. The rest I spend a good deal of time trying to get to know them, only to discover they aren't even dateable. Still having an occassional romp with the ex girlfriend, still married, they claim they can't afford to meet dutch treat & want me at their house for the first date.

One man approached me on facebook, named the time and place he wanted to meet for a drink. I wanted to speak with him on the phone first, turned out he had no license, had a DUI, chain smoked, was an admitted alcoholic, lives in a halfway house lost his house and his wife divorced him after the drunk driving. There is no busline out to where I live, & I have had more experience with alcoholics than I care to admit. I told him later in a private message that we lead very different lives. Then he broke out the insults.

Another man recently online I really felt a connection with - I discovered the facebook page of him with his wife and grandkids on his lap. He was a surgeon, and he told me he was looking for LTR - had never been married - was engaged but she cheated. It was all a story, except about him being a doc. This hurt because he really made me feel appreciated and we were planning to meet this weekend.

I don't think if my attitude was guarded, or warm and accepting that it would have changed the type of men that seem to want to come into my life. I actually feel so dejected this week that I've gotten sick for the first time in 5 years.

So yes - there is well deserved resentment towards most of the men I've met online, and many of them that I wasted my youth on trying to be the perfect little girlfriend for them.

and the "men who leave women" - yes yes and yes. My father left when I was 2, and it never stopped after that. I'm actually a very easy, happy go lucky person to be around, so it's not like I have a short fuse or sabotoge relationships. .....and I'm very careful about not being clingy - I HAVE no choice but to be independent. I think many men will choose women that are obstinate, fiery, etc. Peaceful and loving is boring and not sexy. Oh well! I feel good about who I am & kindly maintaining HEALTHY & appropriate boundaries with men who seem to want to bulldoze through them has not been easy.
 Beyond the Cleavage
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 28
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 3:27:55 PM
^^I'll be blunt. Like others have said, you're hooked on a fantasy.
Forget about the happy-ever-after you're hoping some fictional knight in white will supply. It's not going to happen. Men are people - just as disfunctional as women. Whoever you choose will one day annoy you beyond belief. The relationships that work are the ones that can get past those days.
You are past child-bearing age so stop looking for a potential father. It's not going to happen. It's no one's fault; it's life. You could have chosen other ways to parent but you hung out for the ideal.
You will always find red flag-like qualities, especially if you look very, very hard through jaundiced-coloured glasses. Accept that there is really only a small percentage of guys looking online who will suit you - just as there are in real life. You think a George Clooney or a Mahatma Ghandi is going to contact you through facebook?
Your past relationships were disappointing but surely you played some part in this? You can't have just been this passive entity who did what she was told in the hope he'd stick around. You must have gotten something out of it. Examine your role here - forget about blaming the men. Look at yourself and ask yourself what you got out of hanging around in unsatisying relationships. Was it a masochistic pleasure? Was it a re-run from your childhood? You can't ask for emotionally healthy when you can't offer the same. Well, you can ask but they won't answer.
You are making yourself physically sick over a fantasy. You are doing this to yourself.
Get a grip. Count your blessings and start creating a life that is as fulfilling as possible. Stop waiting for the fantasy to make you happy.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 29
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 4:02:06 PM
Beyond the Cleavage - I am realistic and practical to a fault and no matter how hard I try to make it work, the married guy won't be any less married, the alcoholics wont be any more sober, the liars won't be any more truthful. the users won't be any less horny.

Obviously I walk away from, block, these people the moment these obvious dealbreakers are revealed to me so it's not something I am accepting.

I don't require George Clooney as I am no Catherine Zeta Jones - but I wont accept abusive disrespectful behavior. If it seems that over 75 percent of men online are FUBAR that is not my doing nor do I take any responsibility for their behavior.

Happy marriages are not just fantasy - I am surrounded by many happily married people. Some for over 50 years. Sure they have to have a sense of humor, and both people want to make it work.

- At the moment, I am taking time out to regroup I have closed the gates of hell by hiding my profile on any dating site and changing my facebook setting to more private. I am online for my business as well so I can't make everything totally innaccessible.
Once again this thread is not about me seeking dating advice. I know other women here that have had the same problems. Cest La Vie - I will be just fine being single as well. It's what I come across in the screening process I find disturbing and the fact that when someone's life is a total train wreck it's considered the norm.

I tell you that I can ask for emotionally healthy because I do offer it.
I've never even so much as raised my voice at a man or lost control of my temper with them. I am a very patient woman and teach children everyday - I can certainly deal with grown men who have no more maturity level than a child, appropriately and with grace.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 30
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 4:25:12 PM

If it seems that over 75 percent of men online are FUBAR

from your profile, it seems you are far more interested in trying to repel the 75 percent than trying to attract the 25 percent.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 31
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 4:36:05 PM
from your profile, it seems you are far more interested in trying to repel the 75 percent than trying to attract the 25 percent.


Then why are THEY seeking ME out? Are you implying that I am that hideous I must be pursuing them?
My profile is hidden from searches so it really doesn't matter what it says and I decided to just have some light hearted fun. Geezz lighten up. I can laugh at myself and I am perfectly okay with who I am. I don't hurt anyone, I don't lie to anyone so what is the problem?

would you rather see - I'm looking for my white knight? It clearly states I am just here for the forums - and quite frankly I think I have some nice pictures up- I'm not centerfold material but still better than the 5 year old hazey mug shots I see on some of the profiles.
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 32
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 6:52:38 PM
No two marriages are alike. Married people are not all alike. No relationships are alike. Being married or not married doesn't age you more or less necessarily, it all depends on your circumstances. You don't become more or less mature getting married. Can staying single harden you to not be capable of thinking anyone is good enough for you, nah, it could have happened when you were young. Can being married harden you so that you never want to marry again, some times. We can't blame the way we are or were just because of a wedding ceremony and not the actual interactions and life we led/lead. In the same breath, if relationships don't work there is only one common factor...

What a boring world it would be if we would all be the same.
 az109
Joined: 7/3/2010
Msg: 33
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 7:13:25 PM
There are millions of marriages that are exactly alike. There are millions of people who are essentially identical in terms of what they think, do, feel, say and how they act. For example, the phrase "What a boring world it would be if we would all be the same." is one I have heard countless times. It is a boring phrase. Somebody came up with it and ever since, others have repeated it. Marriages are supposed to be alike. Marriage is a standard type of relationship that is composed of specific rules and expectations. It is standardized in law, religion and culture. This is why when you use the word marriage people know what you mean by it, to a certain extent. There is more alike one marriage to the next than there is different. The minor variations that come from the unique characteristics of individual personalities as well as from slightly different circumstances make the boring sameness survivable. I cannot see how one can look out across the entirety of an institution that is built on the bedrock of conformity and see there an example of endless variety, let alone exclude any two examples from being alike. Even the most nonconformist, personalized relationships that people define for themselves share the same underlying human themes and processes, no matter how rebellious the couple is; a man and a woman or whatever combination of whichever sex is still a pairing up that from a mile away you can't tell one from the next.
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 34
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 8:00:35 PM
A friend is married to a man that lives an hours drive. They see each other on the weekend.
I know a man that works night shift and his wife works days. They don't have the same days off. I won't go into my marriage, way off the norm imo. So yeah, go ahead and think they are all the same, they so aren't. No ticky tacky boxes that I can see.
 stella_ardente
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 35
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 8:42:53 PM
OP, I understand the desire to try to understand other people's motives for doing what they do, and their thought processes underlying their beliefs.

I've come to realize that for our own well-being, it is best to focus on analyzing our own motives and beliefs, rather than thinking about those of people with whom we haven't established any substantive relationship.

We're speculating, really, as they are strangers even though we've "spent" several, or a dozen, or forty hours with them. Online profiles and messages do exactly what they are designed to do: allow us to think we "know" things about the other person's life, motives, desires, beliefs.

The thing is, we actually don't "know," and the only way we are going to know them is if we actually put in whatever time we need (our own timetable) AND we pay attention. People tell us who they are, but only if we listen.
I'm not saying you don't listen, OP ... what follows is a generalized you/me/her.

example: Mr. ComplainingAboutDatesWhoPressureMarriage is opening the door to being asked in a very natural way whether he thinks he'll marry or marry again ... or to better avoid the "tell her anything she wants to hear that might get me laid," a more generic but still natural in-context question like "what do you think of marriage?" If/when he answers "it's an outmoded institution" or "it's just a piece of paper" that's your cue to wish him well in his continued search.
You don't even need to wait for him to open the door. Open the door yourself ... and listen to him. I save relationship topics for in-person conversations as much as I can; too much room for all sorts of problems online or on the phone.

I truly believe that most men are, and want to be, fairly transparent. Most I meet don't like playing stupid games any more than I do. (There is a big difference between flirting - ooh la la - and playing stupid games.)
Most men are great guys, looking for what they want and not wanting to be harshly judged for it - just like women. They'll be straight up about what they want. We need to listen. To their words, and not to any wishful thinking about what their words "really" mean, or could maybe mean down the road.

That's not to say that there aren't deliberately deceptive male and female dirtbags out there, and that the online dating world isn't their favorite playground.
But it's important to remember when feeling discouraged by their shenanigans, that they are a minority of people in the world.
It's also good to realize that these folks are also transparent ... once again, if we are paying attention to what they are putting out, and not inserting our own wishful thinking, and making up excuses for them and their not-quite-right words and deeds. It's not that hard to catch MrMarriedLyingSackofShyt, as the OP did.

Getting back to the man who tells you that he is against marriage ...
Ultimately, it matters not one bit for you if he holds these beliefs because he hated being married, or hates his divorce decree, or hates his ex-wife, or if he's never married because he's never wanted to be married.

What matters for you, OP, is that you are seeking a man who shares your vision of love and commitment.
He just told you he ain't that man.
Doesn't matter if he's interested in his own definition of love and long-term commitment, or even if he's interested in it with you. He's not the man you seek.
Get with him, or don't get with him ... but do it with your eyes wide open, including realizing that while you are wrapped up in his vision - not yours - that you are missing opportunities to connect with a man who does share your vision.

Wanting love and marriage, in and of itself, is not wrong, and it isn't wanting a fantasy. OP, you know it, I know it, lots of men and women know it.
I don't care if some forumites scoff at love and/or marriage, and I hope you don't either.

Buying into and playing along with someone else's wants and sublimating my own? So I can bask in the glory of the relationship I can more easily get into, because it is what is mostly on offer? So that I don't fall into the deep terrifying abyss that is ... .... ... being single and happy?
Now *that* is what is more like fantasy. An inauthentic life.
Uh, I'll pass.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 36
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/24/2010 10:21:31 PM

Marriage is a standard type of relationship that is composed of specific rules and expectations. It is standardized in law, religion and culture. This is why when you use the word marriage people know what you mean by it, to a certain extent. There is more alike one marriage to the next than there is different. The minor variations that come from the unique characteristics of individual personalities as well as from slightly different circumstances make the boring sameness survivable.


Thank you very much, the above text evaporated the last bit of appetite I ever had to get married again, due to its excruciating correctness.

yawn -yawn... anything else, before I drift to perpetual slumber?

 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 37
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History
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 3:12:37 AM

Are you implying that I am that hideous I must be pursuing them?


quite frankly I think I have some nice pictures up- I'm not centerfold material but still better than the 5 year old hazey mug shots I see on some of the profiles.

i was referring only to your words. examining your willingness to project the subject of appearance onto my post might prove instructive for you.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 38
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 5:07:00 AM

IgorFrankenstein - You are right - I do feel resentment now and then towards men in my past, but just as I do not want to be blamed for what an ex-wife has done, I also am open, honest, kind, friendly and fair to each new man I meet - Then when it seems they want to schtoop right out of the starting gate without even trying to get to know me


This happens to every single woman on here I am sure of that.. You can either become angry or look at it in a positive light and say he was simply not the one for me..

After all I am sure that is just what they are saying..

thecatsmeoww
 92sc
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 39
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 6:25:51 AM
How many here feel like they're from another planet for never being married by now?
Nope......not me.......my time hasn't come........I haven't been all I could be.
How many people think that married has-beens have a totally different mindset and are almost impossible to develop a bond with?
Definitely,,,,,they have their favorite items,,,lol ....
At 47 - I'm losing hope of ever finding someone nice.......Well, I'd bet a $20 that you met a nice guy that didn't come in the package you wanted and blew him off so you could hang w/ a "bad boy" that used you like an oil change rag and went on to the next one.
 92sc
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 40
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 6:30:01 AM
What' s Ted Nugent up to ? Have you rang his bell lately? Or maybe he's got some friends you could jam with , being you ARE a musician.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 41
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 7:42:59 AM

What' s Ted Nugent up to ? Have you rang his bell lately? Or maybe he's got some friends you could jam with , being you ARE a musician.


Aren't you on a set of drums there oi vei? Maybe you ought to step up to the plate here since you are both musicians?

thecatsmeoww
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 42
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 8:15:29 AM
Harp music in a Ted Nugent song....I can only see that as background... now the drums...you never know what Ted is going to get up to next.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 43
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 9:53:44 AM
What' s Ted Nugent up to ? Have you rang his bell lately? Or maybe he's got some friends you could jam with , being you ARE a musician.





Although "Cat Scratch Fever" is a musical masterpiece very often requested at dinner & c@cktail receptions, Ted and I don't hang. What a pity as he may be single - something about a hardrinking man with a mullet, camo, and loves to kill animals for sport that just makes me swoon. A pickup with KC lights & a lift kit might just be the perfect vehicle to transport my harp in.

Bob Seger & Eddie Money are too reclusive and they don't do country clubs, but since I'm a pianist I work alone & don't have to share my cut with anyone. Not a big demand for solo drummers such as yourself at weddings & country clubs is there?

Maybe Kid Rock and I could work up some jazz standards or classical though eh? We could be "Kid Bach".
 petiteblueeyedgirl
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 44
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 4:56:11 PM
Take heart Discering Virtuosa -- it is tough regardless of your demographics.

Although I have been married, I felt compelled to reply because I know at least 3 people off the top of my head who married for the first time in their 40s and 50s and very happily at that, two of whom were aunts.

I have a friend currently in her late forties who has met someone unmarried also in his late forties. They are discerning marriage and the possibility of children or foster children.

It would seem to me that experience and maturity may lend itself to a successful first time and only marriage so consider yourself at an advantage.

Often divorced people say they do not wish to marry again -- bet you they had a very bitter divorce or it was not their idea. Not the most mature statement to make right off the bat on a face to face with you so I would take that more as a sign than anything said regarding marriage. Stating they are just interested in dating only is one thing but isn't such a parameter part of the on-line profile writing process?

Dating and relationships are complex but in getting to know someone, life goals evolve.

My suggestion would be to rewrite your profile stating you need the respondents to understand the difference between dating and long term relationships. It would seem you just have not met the right guys as of yet.

The glass really is half full... Stay positive and stick to your guns.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 45
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 10:39:23 PM

i know a married couple who live this way. both were divorced and found each other in their 50s. they have separate houses on the same block, so it's easy to be together when they want that, and easy to create a little distance when they want that, and issues over how to share space are minimized. they seem as happy as can be.

one size doesn't fit all, nor should it.


^^^Amen to that! I concur with your last statement!
 QUIET WHISPERS
Joined: 3/22/2010
Msg: 46
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/25/2010 11:57:34 PM
I think IF someone is OLDER, & NEVER has had a serious relationship, not a good risk, if older & has had SO MANY...hey it's like Goldilocks & the 3 bears...
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 47
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 5:51:23 AM
I think IF someone is OLDER, & NEVER has had a serious relationship, not a good risk, if older & has had SO MANY...hey it's like Goldilocks & the 3 bears...


Depends on your definition of "serious". I would consider someone who has had multiple marriages to be more of a risk than a quiet bachelor. By this age, sexual promiscuity in a man or woman's could be a very distant memory. I think it's good to sample a lot of different wines before you finally decide which type you'll be happiest with. Many women that pride themselves as "cougars" are just promiscuous women who jumped into marriages too early in life, felt they were missing something & now embarrass their kids with innappropriate behavior.
I've heard many stories of how divorced people met and got married - some go into it not even hardly knowing the other person, yet without explanation society considers that to be a serious relationship. A woman can think it's a serious relationship when she loves someone, but the man can see it very differently.

If someone is loving, intelligent, and displays good common sense, why would they be considered not a good risk?

Sometimes the opportunities just aren't there.

For the past 20 years I've lived in a very rural area, in the middle of 40 acres of woods, in an area that is very "religious". I work at home during the week teaching piano every evening when most social activities are going on. On the weekends I play for events in which everyone shows up with a spouse or a date, and for churches which are elderly people and marrieds with children. I could move to a more metropolitan area but it would take years to build up my business again. My livelyhood comes first, then love. I was asked by an older female relative about my boyfriend at one time, not knowing this was an expression of sorts, "So is he going to make an honest woman out of you?" I was kind of taken aback and insulted because I took it literally. Yet in this conservative area that's how they see a woman without a wedding ring. You're either a non threatening spinster, or just the opposite. There are no gray areas - at least none that people want their children around.
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 48
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 7:31:38 AM
OP it is obvious you already had a response to your own question. So why did you ask it? Why did you not respond to christ on a crutch's response to you? It is obvious your priorities have made you as you appear.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 49
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 9:14:07 AM

OP it is obvious you already had a response to your own question. So why did you ask it? Why did you not respond to christ on a crutch's response to you? It is obvious your priorities have made you as you appear.


His response was to nitpick the humorous wording of a profile that was up temporarily - poking fun at online dating and myself, while I changed my mindset to a more positive one. His comment about repelling men was a personal insult. My profile is sincere, genuine & more warm hearted now. His problem with it is fixed - but I didn't change it for his benefit - no need to respond. I think I'm allowed ONE bad day where I want everyone to stay away, and am not my usual sugar-sweet self because of outside irritants.

I was not asking people to dissect what is wrong with me or my profile. I was asking other never-marrieds if they are coming across the same issues with divorced people.

Now, I do apologize for not staying on topic sometimes, but I've found some of the responses kind, intelligent, and thought provoking. They have definitely helped me let go of the anger and frustration I was originally feeling. They have reminded me that I have to remember not to allow myself to absorb other people's dysfunction.
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 50
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 9:30:24 AM

i was referring only to your words. examining your willingness to project the subject of appearance onto my post might prove instructive for you
Actually this is what I was referring to.

What are the "issues with divorced people"?

Anger and frustrations about your choices, how is that other people's dysfunction.

btw, I am sincerely asking these questions because I am seeing and reading someone that says her money is important to her, but I am feeling and seeing someone that has a huge hole in their heart and does want to shake things up and change them but is perhaps afraid of the out come of doing so. Is it really easier to blame everything on earning money or would it be better to stop watching life and start living it?
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