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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & never married...............      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 51
Over 45 & never married...............Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
btw, I am sincerely asking these questions because I am seeing and reading someone that says her money is important to her, but I am feeling and seeing someone that has a huge hole in their heart and does want to shake things up and change them but is perhaps afraid of the out come of doing so. Is it really easier to blame everything on earning money or would it be better to stop watching life and start living it?


Who can live without a job and without money? Destitute women who cannot provide for themselves are not very appealing.

and why would you assume that I am not living my life? I'm not a shut in or anti-social - I can't go anywhere around here without running into people I know, I have several people at my house everyday, & I have a good group of friends. It's just that none of them are single except for one girlfriend & a couple of male platonic friends. There's even a couple of FWBs if I wanted to take them up on it.
I play in front of large groups of people on a weekly basis - who's doing the watching? I'm the one being watched (and heard) lol. A woman doesn't HAVE to be in relationship to be living.


What are the "issues with divorced people"?


When a man is asking that a woman show indication of her ability to be passionate & affectionate BEFORE a first date, to be sure she is not like his ex?

When a man whose divorce isn't even final yet, wants me to meet his young daughter within a week of introducing himself & pushes me to come to his house for the first date hinting that he may get a little frisky.

When a man has 2 ex wives nearby, both with restraining orders which he talks about them and what he'd like to do to them, and yet introduced himself as a church musician.

Many men that have approached me here and are newly divorced, have never really been alone and seem like they are terrified of it and desperate, looking for any woman who will fill the void. They pretty much seem to want to skip dating altogether and rush through the formalities of letting something naturally progress.



Anger and frustrations about your choices, how is that other people's dysfunction.


Alcoholism, DUIs, rage towards their ex, wanting their kids to meet woman they just met online and know nothing about, men who are deceptive - these are all THEIR dysfunction. The anger and frustration is not about my life choices as I'm very happy with those & I'm happy that I am perceptive enough & encourage them to tell me enough about themselves during the screening process. Emotional stability seems to be at a premium. The problem is they seem to be surprised that I am not willing to go further and then they get angry at me. I block them and go on with my life, but discovering how much drama these men have in their lives is surprising to me.

I'll cling to peace and contentment in the meantime - boring is good. It sounds bad, but a nice boring guy who has his life together is fine. I would move for a guy that truly loves me and that I have spent a sufficient amount of realtime with. - I don't rule that out, but he would need to understand I would be starting my career from scratch and it is doubtful I would have the luxury of being a kept woman.


i was referring only to your words. examining your willingness to project the subject of appearance onto my post might prove instructive for you
Actually this is what I was referring to.


and I addressed those words he was referring to - I said it was a little lighthearted fun and humor - nothing more.

and just something I noticed 4ums, you seem rather antagonistic in all the threads today - something goin on?


 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 52
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:26:16 AM
I am 53 and have not been married, and sometimes feel as if I would appeal to more men if I had several divorces under my belt, so to speak. When they learn that I have not been married (they either do not comprehend that single on a profile means never married or do not read profiles), those words are a fate worse than death and they vanish. It is odd to me that they assume there is something wrong with me since I have not been married, when I am supposed to accept their pasts without questions and attempt to prove to them that I am okay. If a man seems too concerned about why I have not been married, etc. that is a red flag to me. At my age, it seems to me that finding someone who is compatible to share the twilight years with should depend on a lot more important factors than past relationship history, IMHO. Most of the men I have met who have not been married seem to prefer women who are divorced who have children......(maybe they want to rescue a damsel in distress?)
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 53
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:45:22 AM

For the past 20 years I've lived in a very rural area, in the middle of 40 acres of woods, in an area that is very "religious". I work at home during the week teaching piano every evening when most social activities are going on. On the weekends I play for events in which everyone shows up with a spouse or a date, and for churches which are elderly people and marrieds with children. I could move to a more metropolitan area but it would take years to build up my business again. My livelyhood comes first, then love. I was asked by an older female relative about my boyfriend at one time, not knowing this was an expression of sorts, "So is he going to make an honest woman out of you?" I was kind of taken aback and insulted because I took it literally. Yet in this conservative area that's how they see a woman without a wedding ring. You're either a non threatening spinster, or just the opposite. There are no gray areas - at least none that people want their children around.
Perhaps I did not read this as you intended. I read this as a woman that says there are no opportunities to meet single men and that you are always seeing happily married couples. So your livelihood comes first and love second and you are afraid to risk trying to do your livelihood somewhere that you could meet single men. No, you don't sound happy in your life. If you are, I think I am missing where you wrote about things that you truly enjoy. Livelihood and passion are two different words.

You can move. You can relocate. You can apply for positions or advertise yourself in other areas to see what will happen. I know I lived with my sister and her husband briefly until I found a position when I was unhappy with where I was at in life. You don't need to find the man first. And if you did meet a man, could you not do something besides what you are doing? Seems with your experience you could move on with your career in a larger area and get more fulfillment out of your life.


When a man is asking that a woman show indication of her ability to be passionate & affectionate BEFORE a first date, to be sure she is not like his ex?

When a man whose divorce isn't even final yet, wants me to meet his young daughter within a week of introducing himself & pushes me to come to his house for the first date hinting that he may get a little frisky.

When a man has 2 ex wives nearby, both with restraining orders which he talks about them and what he'd like to do to them, and yet introduced himself as a church musician.

Many men that have approached me here and are newly divorced, have never really been alone and seem like they are terrified of it and desperate, looking for any woman who will fill the void. They pretty much seem to want to skip dating altogether and rush through the formalities of letting something naturally progress.
These aren't issues with divorced people. Each one is a separate man, one you state isn't divorced. These are men you don't meet period. This is why I spent time emailing and calling. No quick meets for me. Single men can and have been just as rude.

Perhaps I have misread your posts, but I don't read someone that is happy with where they live, what they are doing, and who they come in contact with. I would rather change that while I could than regret that I didn't live my life. But if you are happy with all, peace be with you.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 54
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 10:50:55 AM
Fifi47 your post reminds me of a thread about red flags and prior relationship history. And yes I agree there are those who will assume there is something wrong with us if we have never been married and see this as a red flag. Everyone is entitled to choose based on what they are looking even if their choices are based on misconceptions.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 55
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 11:02:54 AM
Perhaps I have misread your posts, but I don't read someone that is happy with where they live, what they are doing, and who they come in contact with. I would rather change that while I could than regret that I didn't live my life. But if you are happy with all, peace be with you.



Thanks 4ums - My livelyhood IS my passion and a skill that people are envious of. I am fortunate in that way, It grew from a hobby into something I could support myself with. At one point I had 45 private students a week. That doesn't happen overnight. The school system here hires me like an outside contractor accompanying school concerts and musicals, or I work on my own or team up with other musicians for jazz gigs here. I've found my niche & would rather be a big fish in a small pond. - and I love the people that surround me, even if it is a very family oriented community. There is nothing wrong with that and I accept it for what it is.
It is only when others assume in online dating that someone that has never married is somehow defective, that is stereotyping and is not necessarily the case. Although I am no supermodel I pride myself on striving always to be a good person. That should be enough for the right man.
Participating in online dating certainly opens up the world, but it also opens my life to a lot of toxic people. It's like a virus that wants to spread. I try to stay immunized the best I can. Plus - I always have a lot of amusing stories to share - my married friends feel better after hearing what's out there.

a favorite quote from my profile "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." - Carl Jung

I have a very thorough understanding of myself & who I am after 3 years of online dating. : )
 4ums
Joined: 6/7/2010
Msg: 56
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 11:55:41 AM
Hey, just checked where you live. You live close to Grand Rapids, granted my memory of that area is from years ago, but from what I remember it rocked! GF you may not find a prince in your back yard, but I would think that if you date those in and around that area you should meet some nice (ummm bad term I know) guys that appreciate music etc. I am pretty sure that is where I heard my first pipe organ concert and barber shop quartet competition.

I don't know who said this, but I love it. “Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for the gift.”
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 57
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:13:21 PM
Thanks 4rums - Most of the examples I gave were from the Grand Rapids area - still yet it is very "family" oriented which is actually good for my business. I'm not expecting anyone in Lowell, but like I said the people I deal with on a daily basis who also sometimes remind me their role is a lot of work & sometimes husbands are just another child to care for. I think there is even more of a stigma attached to never married women over a certain age in conservative areas. Even little kids will automatically call me "Mrs. """""" and I will gently correct them to teach them that not all females don't have to have a husband. I have seen children ask "Where are your kids??" and I will tell them straight out "I don't have any and that's okay because I have my students to adore"



I don't know who said this, but I love it. “Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for the gift.”


I heard a young pastor's sermon about that a couple of weeks ago - that having un-loving people in your life can teach you how to be more loving" - It's true to a point - having an abusive parent taught me what kind of an adult I DON'T want to be, but I asked the pastor after the service if I should purposely seek out unloving people to date so they could teach me how to be more loving. He laughed and said it doesn't apply to dating. Whew! I will be very grateful like I said, to just find a whole lot less crazy
 Beyond the Cleavage
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 58
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 2:48:16 PM

I think there is even more of a stigma attached to never married women over a certain age in conservative areas. Even little kids will automatically call me "Mrs. """""" and I will gently correct them to teach them that not all females don't have to have a husband. I have seen children ask "Where are your kids??" and I will tell them straight out "I don't have any and that's okay because I have my students to adore

All kids assume grown-up women are married or coupled - well, kids who come from two-parent households, anyway. They're only small- they just think everyone is like them - it's not a stigma to be unnattached or never-married. Who would know, unless you told them?
I don't mean to sound rude, but you gotta stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You've got everything except a man. That's the only thing you can't control.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 59
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/26/2010 5:20:28 PM
I don't mean to sound rude, but you gotta stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You've got everything except a man. That's the only thing you can't control.


You're not being rude, but you are misreading my emotion - I really do feel fine about my life choices. Common sense always rules over jumping into anything, and also sometimes it's perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself - a person that can't show any compassion towards themselves certainly can't love themselves very much either.
I think question on most of our minds is when will we meet someone who's a decent person. Not at all wrong to want that.

 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/27/2010 5:52:44 AM

Common sense always rules over jumping into anything,...


Well, as far as I can see, common sense would make it completely obvious that being single is much better than being in a relationship for just about every reason, once the child rearing was over with. By that logic, nobody would ever get back into a relationship. However, as evidenced by the very existence of this site, most people don't accept that idea.

So, common sense from the perspective of being a human being says you should jump right into things and try to create something satisfying.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 61
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/27/2010 8:33:55 AM

So, common sense from the perspective of being a human being says you should jump right into things and try to create something satisfying.


Like everything else in life you got study it first after all that is how you get successful.. Besides who wants to jump into a loveless relationship? I would not want that since I am more mental than physical.. The mind is a very powerful thing ya know if you give it a chance..

thecatsmeoww
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/27/2010 2:26:16 PM

The mind is a very powerful thing ya know if you give it a chance..


Indeed. However, it will also rationalize anything out of your life if you give it half a chance....

Just look at the forum posts......
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/27/2010 4:04:29 PM

His comment about repelling men was a personal insult.

you misconstrued what i wrote about as far as it could be misconstrued. i did not call you repulsive, nor insinuate it. you had written that 75 percent of men on pof don't measure up. i wrote that the way you had your profile worded, for whatever reason, seemed more to discourage this segment FROM approaching, than to encourage the adequate segment of men TO approach.

that's a common and self-defeating flaw in profile writing. these people's negativity only turns off the ones they want to attract.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 64
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/27/2010 4:54:14 PM
you misconstrued what i wrote about as far as it could be misconstrued. i did not call you repulsive, nor insinuate it. you had written that 75 percent of men on pof don't measure up. i wrote that the way you had your profile worded, for whatever reason, seemed more to discourage this segment FROM approaching, than to encourage the adequate segment of men TO approach.

that's a common and self-defeating flaw in profile writing. these people's negativity only turns off the ones they want to attract.


I understand - but the wording you saw was up for maybe 24 hours at the most when I had my profile hidden. You are making it seem like it was profane or horrifying when it was actually pretty tame, harmless and lighthearted. Even a good girl feels the urge to blow off a little steam once in a blue moon.

So - unless the men who have been approaching me for the past couple of years are precognitive psychics & could read words that I had hidden & up for less than 24 hours 2 days ago, I doubt that my profile caused them to show interest just so they could reveal their serious dysfunction. You're trying to put blame on me & implying that I'm responsible for most men's lack of integrity, divorce drama, or their urge to live an online fantasy in online dating. That would be true if it were only me that they are contacting. I am sure that the same guys have approached other women here and made absolutely no difference what those women's profiles said. A male friend told me last night, that he doubts if many men actually even bother to read profiles before contacting a woman.

The profile I had up before that for several months and was visible was sincere, in depth and genuine as the one that is up presently.

I agree that negativity in a profile can turn away people. I have seen guys that say "no games" - and I'm not sure what their idea of games could be. They could mean they don't want a woman who won't sleep with them by the 3rd date - OTOH they could mean they want someone who is going to be very honest and forthcoming. But I'm afraid to ask them. Then there are the guys with virtually nothing in their profile, & you find out after they've contacted you they have some major negativity. I'd rather see a lot of information good or bad, than none at all and trying to get a glimpse of their personality is like pulling teeth.
 92sc
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 65
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/27/2010 11:27:34 PM
I'm not a solo drummer. I stay out of the country clubs/ weddings.
My history is similar to Def Leppards....

 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 66
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/28/2010 6:58:44 AM
At this point in my life, I don't really think anyone's relationship history is
important to me unless they've been married 10 times, have had 50 girlfriends,
or are still married. (or were abusive or chronic cheaters)

I don't need to be someone's first love or fiftieth love, I just need to be their last
one. Everyone comes with a relationship history, you just need to find someone
that wants to make history with you I guess.

My roommate is 62 and never married and I used to ask him
why. He would just laugh and say I've not found the right one yet. But we had a
converstation about it once and he said he's always felt that if he settled for one
another better one might come along, so he keeps waiting. He asked me how will
he know if the one he settles for is the right one and not just the next one.

I don't have the answer for that, I just know that for myself, when I'm happy in
a relationship it doesn't occur to me to look for anyone else. Doesn't cross my
mind. It would be nice to find someone who considered me the ONE instead of
just the NEXT one, but that hasn't been my experience. Maybe it's because there
are so many single people out there the choices are almost unlimited. On the other
hand, as you get older I think you get pickier and there is a great fear of settling.
Who the heck wants to be someone someone else settled for?



 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 67
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 9/28/2010 7:58:07 AM

Wow, thank you for just saying to "drop someone whose actions are inconsistent with what you're told my him" That just gave me some wonderful clarity with my ex. We tend to have so much going on that we forget the simplicity of how to be treated.


That one statement really stood out in my mind.
I'd like to thank rally4sanity, igorfrankenstein, abeliam, and others here for their wisdom helping me get back on track & start to feel emotionally and physically healthy again. I also appreciate other never married people sharing their experiences and how they relate to divorced & married people.
 jezebellpgh
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 68
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 10/2/2010 8:11:58 PM
You have to take into account that society has brainwashed everyone that being married is the ultimate state. Is it really you that has a problem with not being married or have you been fed the bull for so many years you believe you are abnormal?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 69
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 10/3/2010 10:47:26 PM
OP- you seem to be now blaming divorced men not wishing to marry again for your not getting married?

what reasons did you live by earlier in your life for the reason you have never married?



when everyone in the room but you see black and you say white....what does that tell ya"?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 70
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 10/4/2010 10:17:23 AM
OP- you seem to be now blaming divorced men not wishing to marry again for your not getting married?

what reasons did you live by earlier in your life for the reason you have never married?



when everyone in the room but you see black and you say white....what does that tell ya"?


Once again this is an attempt to make me believe that there is something wrong with me if I don't have divorces, drama, and single motherhood in my history. A woman is under suspicion or labeled a slut if she chooses to play the field (responsibly) in her twenties the same as a man. It is suggested that I didn't "play my cards right". I was engaged twice in my life. I made a wise decision in not going through with it.
They were not right for me.

I never felt a biological clock or the overwhelming urge to give birth. Many see marriage as only being necessary if there are going to be children involved. I think many men are less likely to commit to a woman that doesn't want children or doesn't pressure into marriage.

Both my mother and oldest sister felt a woman could only be validated by a man putting a ring on their finger. When there husbands flew the coop their whole world fell apart. I chose not to follow that.
I think it's just silly that people want an explanation for making the decisions in my life that were right for me.

Now I feel ready to make a wise decision, my priorities are in line, now I feel ready for marriage, but most others are bitter, distrustful, and more drama than I want in my life because of their divorce.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 71
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 10/4/2010 12:12:38 PM
DV- I am not concerned at all by your having never gotten married....Clearly it has been a personal choice for you and your life.

fine- I get it.

but why are you laying blame on married men for making a similar decision by choosing not to remarry?

are you still considering the idea of getting married?
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 72
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 10/4/2010 12:45:32 PM
but why are you laying blame on married men for making a similar decision by choosing not to remarry?

are you still considering the idea of getting married?


Not laying blame on them, as they can choose whatever they want to do as well. Just not sure the ones that want to date me are so anti- marriage and try to make me think there is something wrong with my future goals.
I'm just saying that if I were to find the right person and spend quite a while dating them exclusively and getting to know them, marriage is the commitment I need. It has nothing to do with feeling as though I should be married.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 73
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 5/1/2011 3:01:31 PM
Do an honest ROI on marriage and you will see why the career bachelors are NOT excited about it.
half of your life's work and possessions gone because 'someone fell out of love'
pfft.
your only option is marry and expat overseas; or be a career bachelor.... because a good lawayer will still screw you on a pre nupt.

y'all brought it on yourselves. enjoy the consequences.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 74
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 5/4/2011 2:33:53 PM

marriage is the commitment I need.


Why is it the commitment that you need?
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 75
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 5/5/2011 9:33:24 AM
IN all relationships you are either growing, stagnating or being drained.
If you find the right person for you, life can be enriching, nuturing and exciting.
The only difference marriage makes is it gives you that net of time to reconsider your actions and motivation to do so, because it can be so painful to get out.

I have been married twice the first time I was very young and it only lasted a short time, this marriage continually drained me and took from me.
It took me 10years to get over it.
My second marriage totally enriched me, I was able to do things beyond my self perceived limitations and I became a better, stronger person for it.
Unfortuanately it ended 8 years ago in death.

I have learned that marriage or any kind of commitment with the right person, allows you to go beyond and become stronger in a relationship because you have eliminated the fear of flight.......so people can relax and be themselves, but it also reminds you that you have signed up for a long time and therefore you must maintain!!!!!!!!!!

If you are better at getting than maintaining marriage is not for you.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & never married...............