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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & never married...............      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 gnosisM
Joined: 12/1/2012
Msg: 101
Over 45 & never married...............Page 5 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Hi Discerning Virtuosa,

You shared that

“I won't get serious with anybody until I know they're looking for the same type of relationship I am which is a true, authentic sincere commitment”

This speak volumes. I’m sure many on POF would agree with you. We are all seeking a mate who strives in cultivating his or her emotional well being.
Dr. John Amodeo says that

“A successful relationship requires considerable work, primarily regarding our own personal growth. The romantic myths we grew up with ignored the fact that we first need to grow as autonomous individuals (at least to some reasonable degree), before we can sustain a meaningful primary commitment with another. Also, unless we become well-acquainted with ourselves - knowing our feelings and affirming our needs, and learning to communicate these in responsible ways, we will form the unwise habit of depending upon another to furnish us with well-being. Looking toward another to make us feel content or whole, we fail to be realisti­cally responsible for our lives. Placing this heavy burden on another can eventually smother the life of a relationship or lead us to be disgusted with ourselves for relying too heavily upon another.”

Unfortunately, and in the midst of all online personals, bars, churches or what have you, few have taken it upon themselves to see to it they rise above conventional relationships where love expresses itself at a whole new level.
You would think that those who divorce would strive in this direction so as not to repeat the same mistakes but I'm sure there are reasons why they see no need for deep reflection and introspection in order to see the degree in which they, respectively, played a role in the divorce.

You shared

“A man that truly loves me would never ask me to lower my standards for him but instead would raise his ambitions for me”

True, but the ideal man ought to embody those virtues we hold dear such as sincerity, honesty, empathy, understanding, and affection, FOR HIMSELF. He has to embody them not because others tell him but because it cultivates his conscious and emotional well being in much the way exercising and eating healthy does for good health.


You shared

“I really thought that trying to meet people through online dating was going to broaden my horizons open up my world and lead me to someone who is perfect for me. Not the case at all and it only let down to disappointments time after time”

Unfortunately, in our cybernetic consumer driven world and our alienation as to what constitutes a healthy amorous relationship, online personals only adds to our problem but reveals it too. If you read carefully profile after profile from -men and women- it clearly illustrates, at least to me, the lack of maturity and meaning needed in a healthy relationship. But even if you wrote the most profound words of wisdom, it would not make a particle of difference because those who read it either don’t understand it, think if it as plagiarism, or as a difference that makes no difference in their lives. Such is the nature of online personals.

You shared,

“I know that anyone who wants to bad mouth the type of relationship that I want is telling me that he is not the 1 for me”

It may be true that if men bad mouth you, it is because they believe you are being too idealistic and therefore un-realistic -but are you? I get the impression that most men believe that any improvements on their part on how to be a better man is impossible. It is as if you are asking too much of them and for most, it’s true. Rare it is to find a man -or woman-who has broken free of his/her gender programming and sees amorous love in a new light. But again, he ought not do this so much for a woman but because it empowers his own emotional well being. Conversely, women ought to strive in the same direction.

You shared,

“I see many successful marriages and people that have been married and best friends for a very long time, decades. It can work but it needs 2 people that are mature enough to do it”

The wise say that maturity does not come with age but with sincerely knowing oneself -the good and bad- as our lives unfold. Good marriages work because they don't see themselves so much as husband and wife but as two human beings sharing their lives, their thoughts and feelings and knowing at a very deep level that there is more to love and life than what our parents and those before them were lead to believe. The objective is to never take the other for granted and to realize that loving another is easy. It’s caring for them that makes all the difference.

You shared,

“Both of my cats passed away in the last six months. It was like losing my children, but I sure saw which men around me were compassionate and here for me during a time of loss. Whether I am single or not I am truly blessed at 50”

So sorry you lost your pets. In another forum, I talked about our innate love for pets and animals of all kinds. But when we bring them to the level of love between two human beings by regarding them as our children, we need to realize that there is a vast difference between a pet and a human being and therefore our love for them ought to be different. Just as we can love another too much -with often dire consequences- we can do the same to our pet by loving them so much, one is willing to forgo a relationship with a potential mate because he or she does not like pets. It seems to me that if we, as conscious human beings, are to self-realize amorously, the feelings and regard we have for our pets ought not to distract us from that realization.
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 102
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/26/2013 10:52:29 PM
For those of you who have never married yet but really would like to be, do you feel cheated sometimes?

No, I can't say I have ever felt cheated, I just never popped the question because I haven't found what I am looking for.

What is the point of dating them if they tell me right upfront they will never get married again?

I used to feel this way, but at this point would be fine with an LTR.

How many here feel like they're from another planet for never being married by now?

LOL, Can't say it ever crossed my mind, but then again I am not one to care what others say and think either.

How many people think that married has-beens have a totally different mindset and are almost impossible to develop a bond with?

There very well could be some truth to this, however out of the many hundreds of women I have talked to I can only recall a couple that were never married. Too small of a percentage to say with any degree of certainty.
How many women here think they might have had children had they found a loving, responsible, commited man?

I am a man, but yes, I would have loved to have a family.

OFMM
 wcratz2012
Joined: 4/25/2012
Msg: 103
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/26/2013 11:26:26 PM
Tis better to be single and happy than married and miserable.

Lots of truth in that.
 gnosisM
Joined: 12/1/2012
Msg: 104
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/27/2013 6:20:07 AM
"How many people think that married has-beens have a totally different mindset and are almost impossible to develop a bond with?"

So true. I know of 3 divorced women who are professors. One has replaced her ex with 3 dogs, the other teaches perspectives on love, marriage, and divorce (yet was divorced twice) and the third was described by another professor as "flaky, hard to read, and has trouble working with co-workers".
While I'm sure there are many reasons why people divorce, it's sad to see these women who never recovered from it. It's hard to admit to themselves the extent in which they played a role in the divorce. Better to blame the ex's so as not to feel the pain of failure; I'm sure the ex's feel likewise. The problem then is they never asked themselves at a very deep level "what did I do that made the marriage fail"? "How can I become a better man , a better woman, if I am unwilling to find within myself aspects of my character that hinder my capacity to love and understand at a new level"?
But no. It seems these women just gave up and there are so many men and women out there whose train of emotional intelligence never left the station. If it did, it's moving at a snail's pace. I remember the day sitting across my therapist lamenting -even angry- because I could not find a woman truly interested in cultivating a healthy relationship. "Am I asking too much?" I inquired.
She paused and said. "Yes, you are". At first I was angry at her reply but later realized she was so right. If cultivating ones emotional well being was easy, the women I referred to would have happily re-married long ago and I too would marry for the first time with kids; I always wanted them. I never fathomed the day I'd mourn the loss of children
I never had.



 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 105
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/27/2013 1:41:09 PM
dreamfire said, "No offense intended, but this is clearly the statement that would make me run like hell"

lol - It's It's not as if I completely dominate a relationship from the start and lay it on the line with every man I meet, or any, for that matter. I do a lot of listening to see if we are like minded in several different ways.

"The problem is the only thing that is on trial is a man's character yet it gets transformed into something resembling chronic masturbation."

I used to think that once a man went into the friend zone, that was the equivalent of a cold shower for me. Not any more. Believe it or not, there are men out there who are not interested in sex with a woman who is going to love them and leave them. Makes it nice because I no longer have to worry about being strung along, or if I say no, play the role of the moral gatekeeper. and it's not about "morals" either. Common sense AND experience tells me that the way I am wired, once I am sexually involved with someone, my heart is involved as well. If he goes POOF afterwards and disappears, it's more heartache for me. It's more important I click on an intellectual level first. If someone's currency is only physical, he is not for me. If a guy's currency is romance only, he is probably not for me. I have seen guys who will just throw out compliment after compliment online, but never ask me out, never ask to spend time together or never even call me just to share how their day is going. I'm very pragmatic - I just want a guy to be real, and treat me like a human being. Time will tell if they are really interested or just sexually frustrated or bored. I'm very pragmatic, so asking a man to have some foresight and ask, "What happens AFTER sex?" or that classic song, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" - holds true. I have had the disease to please for so long, and so afraid to ask for what I want, long term. It really is about building a comfortable friendship - there will plenty of time for sex if it's meant to be. In the meantime if he is not offering the relationship that is right for me, I don't owe him my heart and body.

gnosism said,
"But when we bring them to the level of love between two human beings by regarding them as our children, we need to realize that there is a vast difference between a pet and a human being and therefore our love for them ought to be different. Just as we can love another too much -with often dire consequences- we can do the same to our pet by loving them so much, one is willing to forgo a relationship with a potential mate because he or she does not like pets. It seems to me that if we, as conscious human beings, are to self-realize amorously, the feelings and regard we have for our pets ought not to distract us from that realization."


Much of what you shared is very true, but I assure you that my desire for a love relationship went above and beyond my pets. I had on a couple of occasions had a 2 year exclusive relationships where EVERY weekend I packed a bag, LEFT my apartment AND my 2 cats to go spend the weekend with a boyfriend. When they died, my only regret is that I could have spent that time with them instead of a man who didn't really love me, and just saw me as good enough for the time being. I still cry when I think about it. Unconditional love, over being strung along. What would you choose? We all do stupid things, and it's a matter of forgiving ourselves. :-)


It's not about "paperwork" - it's about how much it would mean to me to call the man I love, my husband. To know he loves me enough to call me his wife. :-) Trust me, I am not in love with "marriage" or I am sure I would have walked down the aisle by now. I am amazed at the number of women who have been married 3 or more times and can't believe their stupidity. It usually turns out that one or both of them were practicing some kind of emotional manipulation.
 DEUCE956
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 106
view profile
History
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/27/2013 1:50:18 PM
Speaking from experience, some people are meant to be alone. Since high school I knew that girls and women hated me and that I would spend the rest of my life alone. It's no big deal, I know that I'm an ugly person that doesn't deserve love.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 107
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/27/2013 2:00:28 PM
Deuce956 - I doubt that very much. If it's any consolation, some people, both men and women are still at the emotional level of high school, or middle school, for that matter. Don't keep company with the shallow - it hurts you more than them.
 gnosisM
Joined: 12/1/2012
Msg: 108
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/27/2013 6:22:01 PM
You mentioned that

"I am amazed at the number of women who have been married 3 or more times and can't believe their stupidity. It usually turns out that one or both of them were practicing some kind of emotional manipulation"

It's complicated. Should anyone be interested, copy and paste this:
"The Gender Trap" by Herb Goldberg
on Google search.
The subtitle is "How far we have, and haven't, come in transcending traditional gender programming"

This article speaks volumes. It just goes to show we still have much to learn about ourselves psychologically and the way in which we sabotage ourselves, unknowingly. Add to this we are in the midst of a consumer driven socio economic world. What Erich Fromm calls the HAVING vs the BEING mode of existence. The having mode , the desire for wealth, power, control, and materialism is at the expense of our being mode i.e. our capacity to cultivate love, compassion, caring, and awareness in ways we never fathomed.
 sunsunsun4
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 109
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/29/2013 6:21:01 AM
You pose an interesting question. I'm quite puzzled and put off by men who say to me, "What's an attractive woman like you doing, not married?" As if this is a natural outcome in everyone's life! It's very simplistic.

I'm a total animal lover. I had the ironic situation of falling head over heels with someone who's desperately allergic to animals. This was "the old days," when we didn't read profiles or interview people as if they were applying for a job! You saw someone, your heart skipped a beat, and you went for it.

I stayed with him for several years, but he had a hard time even being in my home, what with my equestrian gear wafting horse hair and odours throughout. Then I got dogs...

I had to shower thoroughly and wash my clothes before seeing him on his turf. It was clear it couldn't last.

I was next in love with someone who got killed. Grieving him took time. I spent several years living the peripatetic life of a musician, traveling and not settling anywhere. It didn't make sense to make someone wait at home for me, and not many men can leave their jobs and follow you. Having children was never a priority, especially since I worked part time for social services and raised other peoples misunderstood, abused children. I found that very fulfilling on the maternal side. As was and is rescuing animals.

I've loved deeply and been loved in return. I'm now 51, and feel like I'm starting life afresh. I'd like to find someone stable but still adventurous, fun loving but responsible.

I really wish men would think, "Wow, she's really attractive and intelligent. She must have good reason to not be married."

In some ways, we're still in the Dark Ages when it comes to relationships. Too many people think it's better to marry almost anyone, than be single. I find that odd. I love my own company, and will only consider someone who can improve my life!
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 110
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/29/2013 4:57:53 PM
One reason I have not yet married is I realized I would need time to develop myself fully. I could not understand why two people who did not really know themselves decide to marry. How in the heck is that union going to last when they were not fully mature as individuals? And, so we see lots of divorces. I didn't have to go through a divorce. So when I do marry, if I decide to marry at all, I will have a higher emotional IQ and will seek out the same in a partner. I don't need a piece of paper to be in a committed relationship, although I would do it to ensure my partner is well taken care of in the event of my untimely or timely demise.
 Bridgerstyles
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/29/2013 7:33:51 PM
Well I'm 46, never married but never really gave it much thought. Having the best sex of my life right about now. So, Im hoping my sex drive stays strong for a long time to come. I will think about marriage once my teen goes off to college. Live life enjoy a non drama life style. Make healthy life choices.. thats how I stay looking young.
 Bogie_Bacall474
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 112
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/30/2013 9:35:33 AM
"One reason I have not yet married is I realized I would need time to develop myself fully."

This kind of struck me as odd, not weird or not normal, just odd. I married very young, my husband was very young. We started out with nothing and built from there. As we grew, so did our family and our assets. We had job changes, house changes, births, death of a son, short moves and long moves, changes in careers, and on and on. We just grew with each other. We jumped in, we didn't wait 20 years to find out who we would become or to "develope fully". I'm not saying it's a bad thing to "develope fully", it just doesn't usually work out that way.

As for the jumping in while young, our marriage ended due to death otherwise we'd still be married. The vast majority of folks did it this way in the 70's, the vast majority of my friends that did the same as me, marry early, are still married.

I guess it comes down to "to each their own".
 MrShoesnchocolate
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 113
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/30/2013 9:40:55 AM

For those of you who have never married yet but really would like to be, do you feel cheated sometimes?


I wouldn't say I would really like to be married per se, just be in a committed relationship where mutual respect and enjoyment of one another reigns supreme.

But yes, when I'm around one of those rare happily married couples I do tend to feel like I missed the boat.

I have only myself to blame : when I was young I was such a chickenshite and let a lot of opportunities pass me by.

I try to focus on all the miserable people who are either stuck in bad marriages or are scarred by bad breakups to remind myself that things could've turned out worse.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 114
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:24:29 AM

I have only myself to blame : when I was young I was such a chickenshite and let a lot of opportunities pass me by.

Yeah, me too. And now that I've grown out of being scared of commitment, I seem to have broken my picker somewhere in the process.

I'm working on that...
 MrShoesnchocolate
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 115
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:31:50 AM

I have only myself to blame : when I was young I was such a chickenshite and let a lot of opportunities pass me by.



Yeah, me too. And now that I've grown out of being scared of commitment


I wasn't referring to commitment.

I meant not going for it with women I was very interested in.

I dropped the ball on so many occasions it's really a struggle not to hate myself now when the opportunities are as common as a comet.
 Bogie_Bacall474
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 116
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:54:41 AM
"I SINCERELY believe people at ANY age that decide the facade of marriage isn't for them to be the most intelligent/grounded people out there..."

I beg to differ if you are just lumping "marriage" in there. I do agree if you are referring to making up their minds whether marriage is for them - each person should make up their own mind.

I don't deem marriage to be a "facade" of any sort. It works for many, some not so much. But to me, neither the choice of marriage or not to marry, makes a person more intelligent nor grounded. It's a choice and remaining single works perfectly for some people while marriage works perfectly for others.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 117
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/30/2013 3:09:04 PM

I wasn't referring to commitment.

I meant not going for it with women I was very interested in.

Not the topic at hand here... if you'll read the title, you'll see why it appeared that you meant marriage opportunities.

This sounded that way too:

But yes, when I'm around one of those rare happily married couples I do tend to feel like I missed the boat.

I have only myself to blame...
 Thornz2000
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 118
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:26:17 AM
I always been a day late and dollar short on the marriage thing.

Always got to the dock to see the boat already left.
Did not matter how fast I got to the dock or how early I thought I was. The boat would be just sailing over the horizon....without me.
Maybe I need to toss out my Timex and find a better clock before I die. 8-(
 mike12366
Joined: 1/24/2013
Msg: 119
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:47:39 AM
I feel cheated at times.But when i go and see my ''married'' friends,they do not seem to be happy married couples.It seems to be more of a live in arrangement.Some seem to just stay for the ''kids'' sake.If that is what being married is,then i will pass.I view married life as being much different at 45 and older.

It just seems that the married people i know,are unhappy and just there.Not to mention they have no sex life.I would love a married life with the right woman.I would love to find a woman who actually works on it,myself included.I think that is hard to find.Two people that are capable of working on a married life and that are ''willing''..I believe two people need to be willing.If only one is willing then all bets are off.It is doomed from the start.IMO
 Ready_Real
Joined: 10/30/2012
Msg: 120
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:54:20 AM

I SINCERELY believe people at ANY age that decide the facade of marriage isn't for them to be the most intelligent/grounded people out there...


And you are sincerely entitled to state your beliefs regarding marriage, be respected for your beliefs on the subject of marriage, and consider or categorically reject any beliefs about marriage in complete divergence from your own --------- including mine!
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 121
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:06:21 PM
Conversely, Ive been married twice and I never want to go there again. Im like the giant panda I cant mate in captivity lol
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 122
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:57:25 PM

people… that decide the facade of marriage isn't for them to be the most intelligent/grounded people out there...


Perhaps. But people who separate façade from substance have better sex.
 Bogie_Bacall474
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 123
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:13:25 PM
Anything of substance is worth it. But, I guess you don't want marriage or believe in marriage if you've had a divorce or three in your life. If I'd been divorced two or three times I'd not be willing to jump back in either...especially until I'd done a ton of work on myself to figure out why the failures happened.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 124
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:45:00 AM
A male friend of mine was 49 when he first got married. Funny, his GF when they were dating asked me if there was anything wrong with him, why was he single.

He is tall and thin himself, and has crohns disease. He is shy, doesn't talk a lot, likes to go camping by himself, and the big one, he was looking for someone like his only female role model, his sister. So he was looking for a thin, sexy dressed lady that likes to hit the beaches.

Clearly to me, any women that he searched for wouldn't be interested in him.

BTW, they have been married now for 6 years, she is kind of plain, and never wears any makeup at all. He met her online eharmony. I still smile when I think of the mismatch between what he used to look for and who he married.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 125
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/1/2013 8:25:27 AM

One reason I have not yet married is I realized I would need time to develop myself fully.


That’s really interesting. This is and was a futile hope, in my case. Each time I think I have myself figured out, I realize there’s still more to learn and develop. Also, having a limited fertility period meant that I couldn’t wait to develop myself fully before I took the leap to marriage and children. I guess men don’t have that biological restriction, so it’s a fascinating difference in view on life.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & never married...............