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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 45 & never married...............      Home login  
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 151
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Over 45 & never married...............Page 7 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I also have many of your same feelings and wonder how strong the feelings are of ladies who think I am a commitment phobic guy or the crashing a good friendship by suggesting romantic interest. Two people with longstanding traditions and habits are often ready to throw them out the window for someone with whom they could find passion.
One just doesn't throw out possessions or habits fearing the next potential soulmate fish in the pond might welcome, compliment or enrich said current lifestyle. As a hopeless romanric guy who sees all the dumb things said and done by other guys in relationships, you would think the smart attractive ladies would be lined up at the single guys doors!
And mentoring...I welcome that also but again trust issues with ladies take a while to strend them, and I am patient also...look how long I've waited!
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 152
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:33:46 AM
I'm thinking that both genders need a reality check. I also think that both genders assume all kinds of crap when someone doesn't deem them worthy of dating. Both genders blame the other for everything it seems and sometimes the fault lays inside ourselves.

I kind of liked it better when I was 20 and found my husband; I was just attracted to the outside as well as the inside and I had no preconceived ideas bouncing around in my head to do with "red flags" and all the other bullshit baggage we have accumlated over 30 or more years. Innocence (or ignorance) IS sometimes bliss.

And just what exactly is wrong with being a combination of "Grace Kelly, Mother Teresa and a whore". I tend to think I am that way now - classy, know who I am, sensitive and empathetic as well as sexy and maybe even good with money. lol.
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 153
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:53:50 AM
"Few women have the appearance of Grace Kelly.." The thing is, no one does. When I wander around the mall or I'm at a function or anywhere in public, very few women look like Grace Kelly (the same applies to men, ie. the George Clooney types) yet folks are coupled up and seem happy with their choices of partner.

If you "think" you are unworthy to date because you are not gorgeous, you lose before you walk out the door. None of us are perfect hence my comment about us ALL needing a reality check. I don't know where you get the idea that ALL men are looking for a "10", they are well aware that there aren't too many out there. The thing is, I want someone who "thinks" I'm a 10 in his world and the same applies to me - I want to be his biggest fan.
Joined: 1/19/2013
Msg: 154
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/3/2013 11:28:29 AM
Maybe I'm old school too, to some extent. I remember buying my first car after my husband died. It wasn't so much that I was freaking out because I was the sole decision maker regarding the vehicle but it was the loss of having that someone to bounce it around with. I missed that. There were many moments like that in my first year of widowhood, moments I wished I had him to bounce things around with. But, I survived and now it seems automatic. I will say, I'd love to have that someone to bounce things around with again and it's not that I'm not capable, it's just that I like "two" instead of little old me.

Maybe the thing is the willingness to "adapt" to a relationship. Some aren't willing to set aside the "me" for the "we". And maybe that comes from the hurt of the past plus the walls that are put up.
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 155
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/3/2013 11:48:59 AM

100 years ago, there wasn't all this selfishness, materialism and blurred gender roles. Men and woman married for love and worked together as a team to build a strong home and family.

I rather doubt that the majority of men and women married for love 100 years ago. They most likely married for necessity and because it was the thing one did to exist. The men tended the fields and the livestock and they needed someone to cook, housekeep and bear children who, in turn, would work on the family farm. I wonder how many couples really loved each other when they married back then. I would venture a guess not all that many and most stayed together "until death do us part" not out of love but out of necessity and the fact that divorce in those days was unheard of. Many a young girl was co-erced into a loveless marriage simply because her family of origin could no longer support her as well as the fact that her usefulness to a man for child-bearing was lessening.

There was still selfishness and materialism back then but it was reserved for the very few who were fortunate enough to live above a meagre paltry standard of living. People back then did what they had to do to survive; I do that today so in my world that hasn't changed.

As for the entitlement issue mentioned in an earlier post, one can either choose to accept way of thinking or choose not to. Personally, I have no grandiose ideas of any sort of entitlement and never have. I am self-sufficient and true to myself.
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 156
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/5/2013 9:00:02 AM
Over 45 and married, ok, I can deal with that.

How about over 45 and still a virgin?
Joined: 4/10/2012
Msg: 157
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/7/2013 2:45:03 PM
Sometimes I am envious of others who are married. I stay sane sometimes by thinking that there is someone out there for me. I am an introvert though, and I enjoy time by myself. I think when people create couples and families they get a social unit with needs that are different than the single person, so we are crowded out of some culture and some expectations. I think it is good for me to dream what would my kids be like if I had some. It helps me keep perspective with how other people think.

I wouldn't put those who have had a long relationship all in the same boat. We all have many paths, none our own exactly. I guess, for most of us, our singleness isn't what we aim for. Rather we aim to spend some time with others, and people who have been (and are) married have some expereince and wisdom which they can share with us about living with another. I definitly think there is a problem with ausumptions and understandings which we haven't formed yet. Romance and dating have some similarities to normal relationships, but I find there is a quite a bit to take in. I need moments to consider what is going on and go through things that more expereinced people have already figured out for themselfs and perhaps who they were with. They may even have forgotten thinking about those things.

I am not tottally certian what you mean by "nice." To be a kind person, they just need to have a concern for you and to be fair I think. I empathize with you about losing hope though. I had dreams when I was younger who I would want to date and I still have those dreams, but the dating pool is smaller and grown as well. I need to revaluate my dreams and dream some new dreams.

I know to be commited and/or to love one needs to constantly strive for that. So, at least in that way, previously married, and never married have a similar struggle.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 158
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/9/2013 10:27:58 AM

The biggest problem I have had dating over 45 women who have never been married is the stories they tell about the people they have dated. I would be single forever as well.

Well, if they are *that* negative on men in general, yeah, I wouldn't date them either, but its not like I don't have "stories" about the women I've dated either, if anyone cared to ask. Sure, I've been cheated on, lied to, probably taken advantage of, etc... damn, I'm 48y/o, at this age who hasn't had most of those things happen to them?

You have to create space by not announcing all the time how independent you are. You do not wait for a door to be opened, you d not have the ability to share a kitchen and cook together( there is nothing sexier than than cooking together and feeding each other at the same time), you loss the concept of holding hands, and you think when you pull into a gas station that something is wrong if you say "hey babe will you pump the gas".

Wow... well, I don't care about how "independent" she is, I'll try to be offering to cook on occasion, I'd love to hold her hand, and when we pull into a gas station I'd probably be *offering* to pump the gas (if it was even a question). I guess I don't get the point - when I love someone I *want* to do things for them - I'm not sitting around worrying about how I "expect" them to react to me wanting to do those things, or whether they thing its 'wrong' for me to do those things for them... they're welcome to refuse/argue it, but I offer/do because I care, not because I'm expecting them to react in some specific way.
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 159
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/13/2013 4:37:55 PM

How many here feel like they're from another planet for never being married by now?

Not cheated. You play the cards you're dealt and live the life you have chosen.
I realise I've missed somethings that so many people have gained from. But have to move onward.

At 47 - I'm losing hope of ever finding someone nice.

Don't do that to yourself. Just keep living the life and being the best you you can be.
Doesn't anyone you'd be with deserve that?
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 160
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/13/2013 5:25:14 PM
To me its weird to see all my friends married or still dating.
I got a few friends who will break up with a gal and in 1mo have another one.
They make it look so easy.

Must be nice to have that ability..............................................................................................
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 161
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/16/2013 2:35:38 PM
When any of my relatives ask me why I've never been married, I respond quickly: "The right guy hasn't come along yet." That always stops the conversation right in its tracks.
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 162
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/19/2013 10:09:34 AM

How many here feel like they're from another planet for never being married by now?

Never being married is just one of the reasons I feel like I'm from another planet.
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 163
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/19/2013 2:49:46 PM

How many here feel like they're from another planet for never being married by now?
I've been on this site almost since its inception. I've been a reader of the forums the entire time. The knowledge that I have gained from reading the various and assorted threads is there appears to be a certain hierarchy expressed, perceived or alluded to as it pertains to one's marital status.

Widow(er)s: Top the list at the most coveted position. No noticeable negative "red flags". Perfection in marital status terms.

Still Married and Not Looking: Hold the "second best" position. No noticeable negative "red flags". Almost perfection in marital status terms.

Divorced: Viewed with skepticism but still can be viewed has having at least some respect for giving a marriage/relationship a try. Not many, if any, noticeable negative "red flags". Usually in goodstanding in marital status terms if the number of divorces is not excessive. If there are too many divorces under their belt, then they drop down a notch in marital status terms.

Still Married and Looking: Not really the most respected but there is some acceptance. This may garner a "red flag". Not ideal in marital status terms.

Never Married: This is the bottom of the barrel position. This is the worst possible marital status one could have. Those in this position cause "red flags" to fly high. Often the red flags are many and varied but the bottom line amongst some who post in these forums is that never marrieds should be avoided at all costs because they are perceived to be complete and total failures in life and who are unable to commit, sustain a relationship, they are just plain weird or defective so nobody wanted them and they probably have cooties too!

Is it any wonder why never marrieds often feel like they're from another planet? Nope, it's no wonder.

The above are my observations of the attitudes shown by many of the forumites from the many years spent reading all the bravado and baloney that is written in these forums.

Gotta go....I'm off to buy some bug spray!
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 164
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/19/2013 3:18:40 PM

Few women have the appearance if Grace Kelly,

Grace Kelly has been dead for 30 years, I don't think I'd be interested in someone with her appearance.
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 165
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/19/2013 4:05:45 PM
If we can't be up beat about life in general,what's the point?From another planet?
Isn't that sinking a little low.I tell people if they want to get a pulse of the dating over 40 scene
to come here and read a few posts.
Two friends told me that they're surprised how ugly people can really be to people they
don't even know.She told me there's your road rage.They both agreed taking advice and reading
this stuff is really unhealthy!
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 166
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:00:04 AM
How many here feel like they're from another planet for never being married by now? How many people think that married has-beens have a totally different mindset and are almost impossible to develop a bond with?At 47 - I'm losing hope of ever finding someone nice.

I have been thinking the exact same thing as I approach 47. I have never been married and yes, I do feel like I am from another planet...I feel like I have been left out of one of life's rite of passage, which is marriage. It seems like all of my friends from the past have already been married, whether they are together with their spouses or not, which most of them still are, over twenty years later. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I missed out on this event in my lifetime, and I truly feel like it is too late for me to find true love and marry now. I have alot of love to give and truly want to be happy, but men around my age have 'been there, done that' and refuse to go down that road again, even though I am clearly not their ex, but they seem to think we women are all the same, that we are all gold diggers who only want their money and I am not a materialistic person so this is saddening to me that I cant find love based on the assumption that I will take their money and run and leave them heart broken...if anything, it has been quite the opposite for me in that I have been the one used due to my over generous nature and I have been the one hurt and crying in regards to relationships...but I keep on trying, searching for my true love, the man who will respect me, the man who will be my best friend and my lover, the man who will actually want to spend time with me and get to know what a good woman I really am, the man who will be my King, the man who will treat me like the Queen I am....I really want to have hope and faith but the older I get and the men I come into contact with make me believe they are all just too scared to take that chance again. I for one am willing to take that chance, not just with any man, but with the right tell me, where oh where can he be...sigh....I sooo hear you sister...
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 167
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:05:43 AM
...and for the record, I have been engaged twice in my lifetime, but both times it was me that realized they were not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life in retrospect I think that maybe I should have married them, just so I could be part of the general population who has also 'been there, done that'...but I know they both would have ended in divorce...and I am seeking a marriage that will last for the rest of our lives, a healthy relationship would be so nice for a change...
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 168
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/23/2013 5:45:33 AM
I am very weary of men over 45 who have never married or raised children. Why? They lived a different lifestyle than me. I have devoted my life to others( husbands, children) while they have devoted their lives to themselves. I have dated three such men, all of whom were selfish and had a very difficult time understanding that not every minute of my time and day could be devoted to their happiness. Before some of you start screaming, Not every single person is this way, I am only stating my personal experience with dating those over 45 and never married. One of these men I dated over 10 years ago.. he is still single and put another women through the whole commitment phobic nightmare. The second one is also still single. The third, guess what, still single. For someone like me who is looking for a LTR with commitment, this kind of man is not for me at all. Just my personal experience, I am not saying all single men are like this, just the ones I personally knew.
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 169
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/23/2013 9:25:46 AM

I'm not a religeous man but I firmly believe that if I make those vows that I will really mean them and I only want to make them once.

I feel the same way.

Well, except for the "man" part...
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 170
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/23/2013 10:02:52 AM
i was married in my 30's to someone who really didn't love me.this was because i have a handicap and thought i'd never marry.well we battled for 11 i'm 63 and alone.i don't feel that i'll ever meet someone.
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 171
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/25/2013 4:58:12 AM
why buy a cow when you can get your milk for free?
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 172
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/26/2013 3:29:14 AM

why buy a cow when you can get your milk for free?

With that 'tude, I'm sure you'll find a future Ex-Wife some day, but I doubt you'll be able to hold her for long.
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 173
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/26/2013 3:18:39 PM

why buy a cow when you can get your milk for free?

Most of the milk I have gotten for free was evaporated to dryness in a heated drum, I had to reconstitute it with my own potable water supply, and it had an over cooked flavor.

And I enjoy doing my own milking.
Joined: 12/23/2011
Msg: 174
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Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/27/2013 4:27:03 AM
grammer: you cant find a Ex-Wife you have to find a wife first!
Next: you presume i want a wife?
Why would I want to make that mistake again!
Its 2013 now! so as with a lot of male and females you dont need to
have a ring on your finger to be happy with someone.
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 175
Over 45 & never married...............
Posted: 2/27/2013 6:57:11 PM
Yeah, I can relate. I'm 48 and have not been married and do want to find the right connection so we can settle down . I would say that since my late 20's or so I've wanted to find "the one" and get married. I like kids a lot, too, and do wish I had kids of my own. But I am not sure about adoption or fostering in the future.

But I totally agree with you -- today dating is really something else!! It seems that nowadays many of the men online are not willing to take the time to get to know a woman a little bit before talking online or going out. I have seen that frequently -- men talking with romantic one liners (this is truly "playing games," I think). It seems they are leading me on and then if I write back, I often don't hear back from them. Confusing!!

Also, I like talking on the phone fairly quickly after communicating online, since I think it can help two people see if they connect. Then, I think that after some good conversation on the phone, a face to face date is good. I recently talked by email and then on the phone for a couple of hours with one guy I met online. I thought he seemed nice and that we had many similarities. A few days later he stood me up on our dinner date -- he didn't even text or call to cancel ahead of time. At the time we were supposed to meet, I texted and got a quick reply from him saying he met a wonderful woman the night before and he couldn't make it to our date. I felt disappointed and definitely not respected -- what man over 40 would be so disrespectful?

Anyways, I have fallen for a few guys I met online. I met them in person and dated them for a while (one as long as little over 2 yrs). But there were always issues with them -- substance abuse, lying, etc. I sure hope there are some genuinely good character men out there somewhere!! I agree with your statement -- rare to see a guy with integrity!!

As far as divorced people's view of marriage -- I think it varies from person to person. Some men have a very cautious approach to marriage since they were hurt and disappointed from divorce. But some divorced men are amicable with their exes and therefore are more positive about marriage in the future.

I hope you will find the right one for you! I hope, too, I will find the man I've been waiting for!
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