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 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 158
Just looking for friendsPage 7 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Bav4,

So that might not work out too well with online dating, because people here are looking to start out with dating in the first place.

Exactly. Which is why "just looking for friends" is not applicable. One's in the wrong place if they're not looking to start out with dating, even super-lite dating. Big difference.

1) Want to be friends first before entering a relationship.
2) Dont want a relationship at all, only want friends.

#2 is pretty much never the case -- even among those who believe it themselves. You don't mistake a matchmaking site for a place to only meet as sports-fan buddies (as an example). People will lie to themselves. You can't believe #2 any more than believing someone who says they're on here for job networking. The site isn't designed for either -- but sure, either could happen incidentally.

#1 is what pretty much everyone means when they play the "just looking for friends" or "friends first" game. Many times it's a guard-up position of protection and/or to approach things without any pressures or expectations of the "dating scene". Problem is, they'll re-define things on-the-go to have a sense of control. They're on the fence of dating in general. If they really like the guy, it's just meaning they like to take things slow, and never-mind-that-phrase-I-used. If they're not that into the guy but like them as a person or as a companion, they don't want to go the opposite route because that'd lose them -- but they want to play the terminology & what they want as vague as what suits them best.

If (virtually) all who used the "friends first" or "just looking for friends" angle on a matchmaking site meant that they want Just the 1st meetup/date on let's-act-like-friends -- there'd be little or no problem. In fact, a lot of people would appreciate it -- even those who never really thought of applying that angle. But to be Seeing each other as that -- that's an indicator of not being that interested. I don't know how many Countless times I've seen people be in that "zone", where the gal "isn't ready to DATE anyone" or "likes to be friends first", where the guy is OK-looking, and once the real cute guy comes in, she's not playing that game with that new guy beyond introduction or first meet. It's called Actual Attraction. Doesn't mean she's the polar opposite -- it's just that Helen Keller can see the difference.

So if someone's like that beyond a 1st date -- and you're looking to pursue them -- bail -- unless you're 100% fine with them Liking someone else.
 FloridaRes123
Joined: 5/11/2013
Msg: 159
Just looking for friends
Posted: 5/19/2013 9:53:44 AM

#2 is pretty much never the case -- even among those who believe it themselves. You don't mistake a matchmaking site for a place to only meet as sports-fan buddies (as an example). People will lie to themselves. You can't believe #2 any more than believing someone who says they're on here for job networking. The site isn't designed for either -- but sure, either could happen incidentally.


Funny you mentioned this, there was a woman on here...that had her basic online profile write-up, then right after that she was advertising her Mary Kay business. LOL. Talk about abruptly switching gears.

Even known some to advertise that they're looking for a roommate.
 bellmeister
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 160
view profile
History
Just looking for friends
Posted: 6/19/2013 6:41:59 PM
Hey bro. Well I am wondering what your doing after the first date...cos I personally am in my own personal hell.
It's where the ones I dont like just wanna be with me so bad, but the ones I like...it implodes.
I know I must be coming on too strong, when I think Im just being the same way I was before we met.
Hate hate hate to say it...but the games may of us refuse to play, ya just have to.
Meaning, it feels weird as hell when Id been messaging daily..then texting/talking daily to just drop off the face of the earth for 2 or 3 days after the first date, but I'm convinced it has to be done.
Now, I go after quality, attractive women and I do think they have to be handled differently cos what are they used to getting?
Guys wanting to be with them with a quickness.
Lastly...of course your right, noone comes on their for just friends. I think even if a date goes great, theyre still not sure, these types Ive mentioned.
Gotta play the stupid game..
 summerdelight85
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 161
Just looking for friends
Posted: 6/24/2013 10:56:50 AM
To each its own.
Sometime people have been in such a hurtful relationship that they aren't ready and just need a friend.
Why are you friend with women who you aren't interested in? That's kind of not very nice.
Respect all people.
Don't dish on them concerning where they are at, ignore it if you don't like it.
 FitnessFan360
Joined: 6/7/2013
Msg: 162
Just looking for friends
Posted: 6/29/2013 1:04:04 PM
Ha Ha.. "Just friends" to a woman on a dating profile is code for "I have standards and won't put out for just anyone". Treat her just like you would any other woman. Be playful, flirt, tease her, etc.. Say that you have female friends and don't remember any of them ever giving you so many "please kiss me" signals, etc.. It is all about pushing a woman's buttons, and playfully calling her out on her crap. Letting her know that you see right through her friends first facade and that she is a woman like any other that wants to be desired.

Just recently I started seeing a HOT Persian Massage therapist who told me she wanted to start out as friends. Before we even met I was teasing her, flirting with her, dropping innuendos, and always hinting one way or the other that a friend wouldn't be coming onto me so hard in emails and texts. I told her flat out I was going to kiss her when I saw her because she kept asking for it, and I walked right up to her and did it. Just a soft lingering closed mouth kiss. She melted. Then I acted like it was no big deal and we had a great first date. Now this same woman is sending me texts telling me how crazy I make her.
 JeremyD4789
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 163
view profile
History
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/4/2013 4:41:38 PM
I'm in a new city, so I really wouldn't mind meeting a friend on here.....
now comes the funny part. There's been a few times where I've found someone who clearly states they are only looking for friends, and they also appear to have a lot in common with me....and they rarely respond(I do state that I am new to the city so even though I say long term, friends would be great).

So I've gotta say based on my experience, any woman saying she's only looking for friends on here is full of it.
 house_full_of_bullets
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 164
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/4/2013 5:41:05 PM

I wouldn't say I'm looking for friends exactly (it just seemed the least winded way of wording my indecision), it's more that I'm not sure I want to be with someone - whether for dating, a fling, FWB, etc - at all.

If I was messaged by, or came across, someone that pulled me out of my dating 'hesitation', then I would be very upfront with them about taking things slow, and that no, platonic friends is not what I'm seeking from them. I'm not going to lead someone on, because that's not fair to them or me, but putting 'I have no idea if I ever want to date/live with/have sex with/etc someone ever' doesn't seem like the best advertisement, even if it's probably the most honest.


It sounds like pof should come up with a "I have no clue what I want" category for you. The Friends choice here doesn't really bother me, but it seems counter productive in a way. If I was looking for friends, I'd go to some interest events on meetup(.)com then at least I'd find people that had common interests. Looking for just friendships here is like walking into a Ford dealership and asking if they had any boats for sale.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 165
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/5/2013 12:45:43 PM
"Just friends" to a woman on a dating profile is code for "I have standards and won't put out for just anyone".

I depends on the tone in which it's applied... but when they make a strong case for ONLY friends in their profile, I would disagree -- it's more than that.

Treat her just like you would any other woman. Be playful, flirt, tease her, etc.. Say that you have female friends and don't remember any of them ever giving you so many "please kiss me" signals, etc.. It is all about pushing a woman's buttons, and playfully calling her out on her crap.

What you're saying, I agree, maximizes a guy's chances in any situation of the "Just friends" card they play, IF a guy is going to bark up that tree. However, I would say much more often than not, even with the guy's game is going pretty well as you pointed out, he's not going to change the situation as described in your scenario, if she's out of his league or a bit out of it. Most of the time she'll kindly walk away from the situation because he's not going to want to do the role-playing game of just-friends... or she'll tease him back and just ride him out for the purpose of guy-attention. Hey, during that time, if she doesn't find a guy she's comfortable with who's great looking, has all the stats, etc. -- he could maybe pull something off. But a waste of time if she's out of his league -- his time is best spent elsewhere (unless he's 100% cool of being just a guy-friend, a shoulder to lean on, etc).

I've found someone who clearly states they are only looking for friends, and they also appear to have a lot in common with me....and they rarely respond

Yes, that's the funny thing. Those who purport they're ONLY looking for Just Friends (why don't you people get it?!), they won't go for guys they're not attracted to... and they'll heed making "new friends" when they found "just a friend" they're talking to a lot and met up with. Why would they choose Just a friend who's tall over just a friend who's short? Or Just a friend who's kinda buff over a just a friend who's a bit overweight? Because they're NOT looking for JUST friends.

If one is on a Matchmaking site where you can only select the Opposite Sex you're looking for and all intentions on the site is for NON-platonic purposes, they want more than JUST friends, regardless of what they say. Like anyone else, a mere friendship could be a byproduct, sure, and they may be more open to that... but their intention is to find someone who they (sexually) desire, biologically speaking, as they want to find a "friend" who COULD be boyfriend potential. Which means, no, it's not JUST friends.

It's just the baby games of role-playing as "just friends" so that way she has the option of utilizing the guy for guy attention when she doesn't like him but she has nothing else going on... and the option to say "Oh, I just meant before we met or during the 1st date, but now..." among other things. It shields her from any complaints or misunderstandings, if they guy goes down her path. It's a power-control thing, many times after being hurt. But that's not an excuse to play baby games -- women would be Pissed at guys if they did that as much.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 166
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/7/2013 7:57:30 AM

I put just friends because I'm not sure about if I'm really dedicated for a serious relationship. I have not been in a relationship but I have been told its lot of work and very stressful so I always consider that being blockage.

It doesn't go Friends -> Serious Relationship as the two platforms. :) Using the term Friends, by itself, IS a label. It means Platonic. Between two single people when defined that way, same as a cousin, a mom, a dad. People want to use "Friends" as THE definition because (a) Other people will be doing it so it's cool, and (b) I want the option to hang out, get a free dinner or two, get that guy-attention from a guy who I'm not really that interested in, and when a wow guy comes along, that friends-only stuff will end about halfway through the 1st date. I get to make up what it means with each individual -- everything from Platonic to Seeing Each Other.
 FloridaRes123
Joined: 5/11/2013
Msg: 167
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/8/2013 2:47:03 AM

Yes, that's the funny thing. Those who purport they're ONLY looking for Just Friends (why don't you people get it?!), they won't go for guys they're not attracted to


Right, when women put "just looking for friends" on a DATING site, it throws up red flags for me....at one time I attempted to "be-friend" a couple of women on here, only to never get a response as well...because obviously if she's looking for friends, physical criteria is irrelevant right?

Chances are she's looking for "friends" that she IS attracted to.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 168
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/10/2013 4:29:40 PM

Chances are she's looking for "friends" that she IS attracted to.

Yeah, at least a viable attraction level, more of a personality match. That's basically what it means -- while trying to escape any obligations/drama of "dating" by Pretending it's platonic.

It's not platonic. If it were, guys would commonly let their girlfriends or wives jump on a Matchmaking Dating Site to find a guy "friend". :)
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 169
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/10/2013 4:35:19 PM
People look for a ton of different things; and many of them, especially people fresh out of a breakup; don't want pressured for romantic; they need to re get their feet wet.

Key word meaning not wanting romantically pressured. If the one is established and you click; they might make an exception. But if they don't establish that and get pressured by everyone, then it takes longer to reacclimate to dating.

I and many other people I know have at some point put friends only; and meant it. And then changed it when ready to explore deeper with people when farther after the breakup. Nothing zone about it; just knowing where they/we were at at that point in time and not wanting to waste anyone's time that was looking for serious/romantic.

No one set answer for everyone.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 170
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/11/2013 12:49:56 AM
People look for a ton of different things; and many of them, especially people fresh out of a breakup; don't want pressured for romantic; they need to re get their feet wet.

There's a big difference between being Friends and taking things slow. If you're being just friends, you're not getting your feet wet at all. In order to get your feet wet, you have to experience it, albeit in a slow manner. But again, taking things slow. Not being platonic.

Key word meaning not wanting romantically pressured. If the one is established and you click; they might make an exception.

There's a reason why one wouldn't say "taking it slow" and instead say "friends". Because they want the control. Plain and simple. They want to call it what it is, when they want to. They want the ambiguity and not have to worry about anything. Many many situations do not bring romantic pressure, but they're still not going to want those.

If you're going to be just looking for friends, you guys could have a great conversation at your first meet... you really like him... and he tells the waitress to split the bill. And flirts with her. And asks her out on a date. She pauses and he tells her you're just a friend... she then happily accepts and they banter a bit, he says he was amazed at her when he first laid eyes on her, they decide to go out that night and have some drinks, etc. : You shouldn't be upset. Or disappointed at him. At all. You're just friends. In fact, if you're just being friends, you'd play wing man for him if need be when out with him.

Bottom line: No baby games. Say taking it slow with no expectations, not "I just want to be friends" if you don't want him picking up a girl in front of you, as you wouldn't mind if your guy friend Jack when out with your group of friends did that with you standing there.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 171
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/11/2013 6:09:47 AM

Key word meaning not wanting romantically pressured. If the one is established and you click; they might make an exception.

There's a reason why one wouldn't say "taking it slow" and instead say "friends". Because they want the control. Plain and simple. They want to call it what it is, when they want to. They want the ambiguity and not have to worry about anything. Many many situations do not bring romantic pressure, but they're still not going to want those.


you misunderstand. You are taking the above as they change the rules after a friendship is established.

What I as conveying was they said BEFORE meeting someone they were open to romantic or friends.

When I said I was looking for friends, I was not open for romantic period, knew that would not change, and made sure people knew that.

When I knew I was at the point where I could actually do justice to romantic IF it went there, I said at the point of getting to know people I was open to date or be friends. Not after I had known them for ages and deemed them "worthy".

There is a pretty big difference between your interpretation and mine. Not everyone is me mind you and some people probably maybe do have yours, but I know a ton of women and men both who are open for friendship only because of where they are at. Not because of games, but because they are not emotionally ready or life situation ready for more.

And they are being honest about that. Appreciate the honesty in their cases; they are trying to not waste anyone's time. I was just trying to get comfortable being ith the opposite gender for the first time after a 20 plus year marriage without feeling weird. A lot of other people in that boat. They need to ease into dating; and starting with friendships until they are emotionally ready for a lot of people is good.

But sure, some people do want control. Not saying you are wrong; saying your interpretation being blanketed across everyone regardless of the reason is not fully accurate either.

It's both.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 172
Just looking for friends
Posted: 7/14/2013 11:27:57 AM
When I said I was looking for friends, I was not open for romantic period, knew that would not change, and made sure people knew that.

Okay, let's be more clear... you're saying not open for romantic, romantic meaning non-platonic. So you were only looking for 100% PLATONIC. Okay, first... very very very few actually mean that when they play the "Friends" game on an online Matchmaking site. They can mean to Say that, but not actually feel that way backwards & forwards. Nobody should take it that way, even if they spell it out in their profile, IF they even decide to waste their time writing that person. Now why I am being so blunt about this? Think about it... if one TRULY means 100% PLATONIC ONLY, at all times with them as you say, on a *DATING-MATCHMAKING SITE*:
(a) The guy isn't going to pay for anything for her. At all. Ever. In fact, a gal would want him Not to, so he wouldn't be trying to cultivate something that isn't there.
(b) It is 100% cool and fine for the guy to hit on the waitress and get her # right in front of you.
(c) It is 100% cool and fine if say the outing/meetup extends into going out to a bar since it's a weekend night, that he dances with a girl and kisses her on the dance floor.
(d) You would be no more inclined to befriend an attractive guy than a guy who is Not attractive. You would not be more inclined to befriend a guy who's 6'0" than a guy who's 5'5"... no more inclined to befriend a guy who's athletically fit & attractive than a guy who's pudgy & unattractive to you.
(d) If/when you have a boyfriend he should be 100% cool for you or any girlfriend to go on POF or Match to find a GUY to be "just friends" with.

Going on POF or Match to find "just a friend" is like an innocent woman who is saving herself for marriage, going to an adult hookup site with hardcore porn plastered everywhere and designed & advertised for hookups, for her to meet her one true love thru traditional means and never wanting to go past 1st base until engaged.

The excuse is that one can go on Match or POF in their matchmaking section and END UP being platonic friends with a particular person. True. The (obvious) point is, Match & POF are not the places to aim to find platonic friends.

If it was a place to to Solely Find 100% platonic friendships, it wouldn't constructed like it is, or spell it out the way it is in it's ads, front page, and every other page. And boyfriends and girlfriends would let their significant others go on POF or Match to meet an opp-sex friend with no worries. It's basically BS, even if one BS's themselves about it, or their head's way out in the clouds and they need to come back down to earth. Usually a bit of both.

When I knew I was at the point where I could actually do justice to romantic IF it went there, I said at the point of getting to know people I was open to date or be friends

Okay, in this second "stage", this is what virtually most people mean by just friends, even if they don't spell it out that way and just mean just friends. It doesn't require being a couple or dating to be more than friends, btw. We're just talking platonic vs non-platonic. Now, there's nothing wrong with "Hey, if we don't seem to mesh or there isn't any mutual attraction, I'm open to making new friends". That's where actual platonic friendships can potentially occur (rare statistically; vast majority will "be friends" as in walking away amicably, but I digress).

Within the first meet, you'll know if you're attracted to the guy. You already saw his pics, talked to him at least a bit, are engaging with him face to face. Hey, what you'd like out of it can be up in the air, don't get me wrong. But whether you're going to be platonic or non-platonic, friends or more-than-friends -- no gray areas. Otherwise, one's just playing baby games.

If you want to play the "friends first" (FF) game, another baby game where it's about control (extending gray area = control), then:
(a) Don't expect him to pay for anything. At all.
(b) While you're friends, he can hit on the waitress, get her #, and set up a DATE with her, right in front of you.
(c) If the night extends for a good long while on a weekend night when you both had no plans, he can go home with another girl at the end of the night

Why isn't this kosher? Because the FF gamer loses control. They can't have your cake & eat it too, but demand/expect it.

It's not MY definition I go by -- I go by the English language, actually. Friends First = being 100% platonic... at first. Up until if/when things were to possibly be more than friends.
 GJBrown
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 173
Just looking for friends
Posted: 8/15/2013 7:44:29 PM
avoid the just friends and only friends folk. especially in my age range. You want to meet just friends online then go find a chat room about your hobbie. Go on facebook and stalk your friend's friends! But Don't bring that nonsense to a dating site. Don't S**t on my plate and say its chocolate! haha
 DudleyDuRite
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 174
Just looking for friends
Posted: 8/16/2013 12:16:15 PM
So if they are just looking for friends, how difficult is it to avoid contacting them? So much drama over a non-issue.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 175
Just looking for friends
Posted: 8/16/2013 1:33:41 PM
^^^^Agreed. Seems easy enough to me.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 176
view profile
History
Just looking for friends
Posted: 8/16/2013 8:45:52 PM
My profiles states that I am looking for a relationship, which I am. Lately I have been contacting men that I have communicated with and were not interested in, to ask if they would be interested in taking me to see the Pet Shop Boys as a traveling companion. I have my ticket, so I am not asking for anyone to buy me a ticket. I tell the truth, I just want a traveling companion to and from the show and I have no other interest than that. They just buy their own ticket and drive me and we can be traveling companions with no relationship or anything else other than travel companions. I do have male platonic friends, but none of them can go to the show.
 AngelaGray
Joined: 11/14/2012
Msg: 177
view profile
History
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/7/2014 4:55:38 PM
There's an option for friends and hangout for a reason don't like it don't message those people get over yourselves really. Some people find dates then wanna keep the friends they've made but only have contact here thus changing their options to friends. If they didn't want people to look for friends that option wouldn't be there. As long as they say in their profile "friends" "hangout" instead of dating or what not then what's the big deal? It's your own fault you didn't read the profile or pay attention to their wants/needs which in turn would make you a terrible date anyways!
 AngelaGray
Joined: 11/14/2012
Msg: 178
view profile
History
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/7/2014 4:58:11 PM
There's an option for friends and hangout for a reason don't like it don't message those people get over yourselves really. Some people find dates then wanna keep the friends they've made but only have contact here thus changing their options to friends. If they didn't want people to look for friends that option wouldn't be there. As long as they say in their profile "friends" "hangout" instead of dating or what not then what's the big deal? It's your own fault you didn't read the profile or pay attention to their wants/needs which in turn would make you a terrible date anyways!

So in short I disagree with you because options are there for dating or friendship, but if they have up they're seeking more than a friendship and say they're only seeking friendship that aspect I agree they shouldn't be allowed.
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 179
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/7/2014 7:42:17 PM
Friends...quite the polarizing topic! I don't have female friends unless I've slept with them, and even then, I don't consider them my friends. More acquaintances.

I have buddies at work that think being friends with a woman is a long term investment to getting laid.

No thanks.

If a woman mentions the word 'friends' before or during a first date? Move on dude...not a good sign.

I've actually been asked, before a first date, that if things don't work out during our first date, if it was ok to be 'friends'. Nope. No thanks. No first date, and that's fine by me.

I feel like I'm shooting hoops. Stop the psych eval. I'm a man. I respect you but jeez, do you want a man that doesn't want sex?! Asking me if all you have is a hole to offer? Bizarre.

Friends first is very ok. Friends only is not.
 PlentyofThis123
Joined: 11/23/2013
Msg: 180
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/8/2014 3:43:55 AM
What I get a kick out of is women who put in their profile, "I'm also looking for friends" as a supplement to them seeking to date.

One comes to mind with these kinds of profiles are women who are new in town and just arrived, so apparently they are open to any kind of social interaction.

You'd think they'd be open to responding, but they never do, so it's just online profile fluff I suppose.

I guess they have to be "cute" friends.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 181
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/8/2014 3:39:47 PM
There's an option for friends and hangout for a reason

First, Hang Out doesn't mean platonic. Second, yes, Friends is there -- because:
a) The site wants traffic. It can appeal to comfort zones and is open-ended by itself.
b) There's Friends w/ Benefits. Hence "not looking for commitment or relationship" option to pair with it.
c) The "Not Looking and Not Single" option to pair with it, but like to browse or be on for the Forums.
d) Too scared to actually meet anyone and wanting online-friends, chat-friends, where "Friend" is better suited.

Also, if the site is aimed to find just friends, why can you only select ONE gender to aim for? Because it's a Matchmaking site! :)

It is a NON-PLATONIC site. So when looking to meet people, it's not about being platonic. That can end up being a by-product after meeting up, or someone you're not interested you come across who is cool, etc -- but one's in the wrong rec room if their Sole Aim is to be platonic only and using a matchmaking site for just that.

instead of dating or what not then what's the big deal?

Because a vast majority of people who select Friends while actively searching for people -- are not looking for Just Friends. It's not a big deal if their profile explains it -- that's fine. Some people are scared of the word "Dating" or "Long Term Relationship". Okay, fine...

The argument is when people state in their profile, on a matchmaking site like POF or Match, that they're looking for Just Friends. I call BS on that. If that's the case, a dude would hit up other dudes in his area on POF to chit-chat and hang out. Uhhh, really? The site's geared for that huh? LOL Or gals would do the same... and when it came to guys, it wouldn't matter what he looks like. He could be ugly -- not a problem, right?

Disagree? Great. Your next BF -- you should let him open up a profile on POF looking for female friends. Or better yet, tell him you're going to be actively looking on POF or Match for guy-friends and see how he feels about it. :)
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 182
view profile
History
Just looking for friends
Posted: 2/8/2014 10:53:08 PM
I don’t have a problem with men or women looking for friends on a dating site if a dating site includes that option. Never thought people who look for friends (for whatever personal reasons) are anymore or less flawed, honest/dishonest etc than anybody else here.

Whether relationships are purely friendship base, romantic, sexual, open, committed, with benefits, without benefits, doesn’t matter, as long they are honest and mutual.

If we doubt their validity we do so because of our own needs and past experiences, not necessarily because people are incapable of wanting a friendship relationship.
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