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 AUTHOR
 myrgth
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 38
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Are you buying into the hype?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

I think most of us come online with a specific goal in mind.


I think the opposite is true. I think most people come to on line dating with no real purpose or defined goal but more to see what is out there and to see if it's an avenue they want to explore for meeting people.

The only people I have meet from on line that joined with a specific goal of finding a spouse were either incredibly lucky and found that within the first month or so of being on line or completely delusional in thinking that their experience would be different on line than it is off.

What hype?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 39
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/12/2010 6:49:34 AM

if it has gotten to the point where your making updates or additional comments in your profile similar to like she said, voicing their dissappointments about online dating, and they should either:

1. Relocate
2. Change your criteria to something more reasonable
3. Just don't do online dating anymore.


A woman who has difficulty finding a guy she likes should make changes to improve her chances of connecting with men (though eliminating online dating as a source for meeting men wouldn't accomplish that). Similarly, guys who complain that no women will date them need to make their own changes so that women will want to date them. Neither gender can expect the other side to make the necessary changes.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 40
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/12/2010 8:58:23 AM
There are usually many potential options on a dating site. Therefore people raise their expectations and start rejecting people that they probably would have considerated dating in the past. Due to relatively minor things. Such as 1-2 inches, literally having a few extra pounds, 1-2 years outside a certain age range etc. Then they will complain about not finding a date. Can't have it both ways.

I would consider that a plus. I'm smart enough to figure out what is important and make allowances where the differences from my preconceptions aren't really that important. I didn't find that photos were really very good representaions of what a person looked like (in both directions), so I made allowances for the possibility the photos were just bad photos and I also expected women with professionally made glamour photos to be a lot less glamorous in person.

I listed ``a few extra pounds'' as an upper limit is because I can't possibly know what that means unless I actually meet the person. I met women who were at best, ``average'' who described themselves as thin and women who listed themselves as a ``few extra pounds'' who were really more or less average/ So, if a woman decided to be pickier and exclude me because I was 5'9" instead of 5'10", or whatever that was fine with me. I don't want to date someone who is that silly. I was actually contacted by a woman who wanted to argue with me about how tall I was. She kept trying to tell me she thought I was really 1 inch shorter than what I had in my profile and then she got bent out of shape when I told her to get lost because I wasn't that desperate. Why would I want to meet someone like that even if I could persuade her to meet me? If she's frustrated by dating here, that's her problem.

I'm all for giving people the ammunition to shoot themselves in the foot and reload as often as they want. It saves me from dealing with an idiot I might otherwise have wasted time meeting. How people utilize the information they have and what judgments they make can tell you a lot about the way a person thinks (or if a person thinks or is so lazy as to let a computer pick her dates). I didn't want to date women who were intellectually lazy or risk averse or who have a grass is greener mentality. I didn't want to talk women into dating me. There were plenty of women who thought the same way I did and reserved judgment on me as a whole for a personal meeting.

One thing that I found really funny was the IR filter. I started here as ``Other Relationship,'' assuming that meant people who might be looking for a relationship, but not a relationship that was necessarily headed anywhere. I soon figured out that what a lot of pople called ``Dating'' was what I would call ``Other Relationship.'' Contacting women in the ``Other Relationship'' category precluded me from contacting a lot of women. (I obviously could have gotten around this, but didn't think it was worth the effort).

What I found was that I got contacted by a lot of women I couldn't contact, so basically, the IE filter was more like a ``if you want to meet me badly enough, I'll wait until you contact me and tell me that'' filter. I put my age range in the body of my profile rther than filter on it, so that I could include qualifying statements that didn't exclude people who were outside my age range, but fit the type of person for whom I chose that range of ages. Putting a hard limit on my mail settings would have excluded my fiancee. In the end, if you let a computer do the work for you using arbitrarily selected data which is very limited, you deserve what you get. People who wanted it both ways were welcome to pass me by and keep looking.

 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 41
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/12/2010 9:51:44 AM
~OT~ I've been through one live-in relationship while being a member here, yet the majority of my years here I have been single. My profile has standardly been in hide mode regardless of my status (single or otherwise.) When online dating was new to me (10 years ago now) I was very interested in using the net as a means to meet people. Then one day I woke up and realized: the people you meet online are the people who also live off-line. Imagine my shock!! Didn't take me long to realize that if I logged off the computer and spent time in the real world, I was encountering real-live people ~ not just pics and verbiage. I think that's when I decided that I'd leave this as ONE option, but rely more on the options that exist in the flesh (so to speak.) JMO
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 42
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/12/2010 9:53:05 AM

chances are she pretty much turned down a lot of men if she has been on the dating site for that long


Yes the kid in the candy store mentality.


Seems online dating perpetuates this kind of behaviour, and promote an inordinate amout of choosiness


In fairness to some women if they are at least a 6 they do get a awful lot of mail everyday. Especially if they live in a big city. It's not hard to figure out how this might get to some women/men head.
 E_keys
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 43
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/12/2010 9:50:34 PM
Oddly, since I've been on here (one year) it feels like my direction keeps changing "on purpose" rather than me being "sidetracked" ... yet all the while, I don't and never felt I'd meet somebody *that* special on here.

I arrived to salve a broken heart, then I spent a couple months reading forums voraciously to learn new words like fvck-buddy and fob and abandonment issues. Then I spent a couple months "dating", then a couple months being on the forums to have conversation in common with my friends on the forums.

I say I really like the forums - I do!, but the fact is, when I'm more lonely I'm on the forums, and when I have more stuff going on in real life I'm off them.

Funny thing is that the guy who's been perennial through the last two years (even when too mucked up to deal with me or vice versa) found me by answering my personal on craigslist, where my expectations were a heck of a lot lower than here! Craigslist is effin' scary for girls!

As for the stale hit-list thing, I'm lucky to live in populated places. Changing my zip code didn't hurt, either.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 44
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Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/12/2010 11:09:17 PM
No, no hype. I have no expectations. I'm still here because I have yet to find what I'm looking for and I'm addicted to the forums. No big deal. If I meet someone, great. If I don't, I'm no worse off, right?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 45
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/13/2010 6:48:52 AM

Not entirely sure what you mean, I understand the first part, but not sure what you mean by the ".....so that women would WANT to date them..."

You suggested that a woman who's rejecting lots of guys should lower her standards. But at the same time, a guy who gets rejected a lot should make an equivalent attempt to reach women's standards or to pursue women who don't have lofty standards. For example, when I was younger I was 30 pounds heavier and I never thought to myself that guys should change their standards to accommodate me, I knew that I had to lose weight in order to meet a broader range of guys' standards. It's the person who's not getting what they want who needs to make some changes. The other side might be perfectly content with what they've got going on.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 46
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/13/2010 7:56:21 AM
You suggested that a woman who's rejecting lots of guys should lower her standards. But at the same time, a guy who gets rejected a lot should make an equivalent attempt to reach women's standards or to pursue women who don't have lofty standards. For example, when I was younger I was 30 pounds heavier and I never thought to myself that guys should change their standards to accommodate me, I knew that I had to lose weight in order to meet a broader range of guys' standards. It's the person who's not getting what they want who needs to make some changes. The other side might be perfectly content with what they've got going on.


Before I met my current partner and hid my profile, I rejected a lot of men, and was told repeatedly that my preferences were superficial and I needed to lower my lofty standards. I believe they were considered superficial only by those men that were excluded by them, but were interested in me. Thank goodness I stood my ground.

"Superficial" is a hollow term that's frequently used as a defense mechanism by those that are excluded---it's an effort to affirm to themselves that their desires are more deeply objective than those of the person excluding them. It validates them and makes them feel morally superior. It's just another way they can say, "Your preferences are more superficial than mine are, which is why you think I'm not good enough for you to date---if you placed a higher value on more important qualities, e.g. what I VALUE as more important qualities, you wouldn't reject me!" Meh.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 47
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:32:31 AM

so what about height, how do I get some height?

You don't need more height at 5'8" any more than I need less height at over 5'9" in order to meet someone. Our heights narrow our dating pools somewhat but not significantly. You need to erase the mindset that women will only date men over 6'."


I don't think I said one should LOWER their standards, but just change their criteria.

You said to "Change your criteria to something more reasonable," which is really a delicate way of saying lower your standards.


HEck, I've heard of friends and family members suggest to their last remaining single sibling to knock off chasing the 10's and just ask out 7 or 8's. But they wont' have none of it...even matchmakers made such suggestions to clientelle, with the client not budging.

If the guy wants to go for 10's, let him go for 10's. If he can never get a 10 but won't go any lower, then he needs to make the sort of changes that meet a 10's standards.


Do you think people should date "equals" in their physical, personally my standards are rather reasonable though as opposed to some people I know who keep swinging for the fence.

I think people should date whomever appeals to them and who reciprocates the interest. Pursuing people who might physically be regarded as equals or less will increase a person's odds of success but it doesn't mean that's all anybody should go for. As for how reasonable your standards are, if you have a fair amount of success in asking women out and dating them, then it would appear your standards are indeed reasonable. But anybody who's consistently shot down (in the real world-- online is a different story) should probably reevaluate if what he has to offer is what the women he's pursuing want.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 48
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/13/2010 12:34:07 PM
But anybody who's consistently shot down (in the real world-- online is a different story) should probably reevaluate if what he has to offer is what the women he's pursuing want.


True---however, that rule would apply to both real world dating and online dating. The difference would be the way in which it's applied.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 49
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/13/2010 8:41:14 PM
You said to " change your criteria to something more," which is really a delicate way of saying lower your standards


Not really " Lowering" per say. If I have a filter of no one older than 38 on my profile. if i then extend that just a little to include women say 39 or 40, that would not really be lowering my standards now would it?. I would more view that as broadening my scope. I don't view making adjustment to what I am looking for in the physical or age range lowering my standards. If I viewed it that way I would be implying I was somehow better or above them in some way


The lowering of standards to be would only involve moral issues or the things I value. If I opened my dating field to include people involved in a committed relationship, that to me would be lowering my standards.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 50
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:42:19 AM

Interesting, however I've seen profiles of women stating what they're looking for in a man exactly, read it over, and think to myself, "Well, I have exactly what this woman wants". I have emailed them, and no response. They'd even list some of the most obscure things that I have an interested in as well, whereas other people wouldn't have the slightest interest (like a certain obscure hobby, or perhaps they'd quote an obscure comment from a movie that only certain niche' people would get)

All that is stuff she wants IF she first finds a guy attractive or thinks she could be based on his pics/profile (how he looks to her AND his overall presentation of himself in text). The attraction SHOULD be a given and not something that has to be mentioned - seeing as we all tend to want attraction in the overall package of those we consider romantically.

I like a lot of traits in a guy, but the traits alone don't stand if the attraction/interest isn't there.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 51
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/14/2010 7:47:00 AM

Not really " Lowering" per say. If I have a filter of no one older than 38 on my profile. if i then extend that just a little to include women say 39 or 40, that would not really be lowering my standards now would it?

You're giving an example that doesn't necessarily indicate a change of behavior. An explanation for why the 40-year-old filter was previously in place would probably reveal that either no attitude adjust was made or there was a lowering of standards.


Interesting, however I've seen profiles of women stating what they're looking for in a man exactly, read it over, and think to myself, "Well, I have exactly what this woman wants".

The fact that she doesn't respond means that's obviously not the case. I get emails from guys who essentially say we're perfect for each other and sometimes I don't see that in the slightest or sometimes there's something in their profile that rules us out as a couple. We can have all sorts of things in common but sometimes there's that one thing-- like having a young kid living at home-- that he doesn't see a problem with but it's a deal breaker for me. That's why you can never assume you know the reason they rejected you unless they've told you why.


saying that the person should somehow change to meet that person's criteria
I haven't suggested a person should change to meet *a* person's criteria. I've suggested that certain changes can appeal to a broader range of people, which will increase a person's chances of finding someone. For example: a guy might love his 70's porn 'stache and some women might love it too. But the porn 'stache doesn't hold strong appeal for American women in general, in fact, it's usually mocked. So a guy who wants to appeal to more women would be wise to remove it or at least reshape it. Of course, if a guy is pleased with the results he's getting, there's no need to change anything. Similarly, a tattoo on the face or a dozen piercings may make some women swoon but those sorts of choices really narrow a guy's dating pool.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 52
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/14/2010 8:18:40 AM

That being said, if you can't know the reason why someone rejects you, then there's no way you can change yourself to meet what the other person wants, as you stated in a previous post.

A majority of the time it's not something that will improve overall dating, or change much. Something one person isn't interested in another will be looking for - aside from things we just about ALL find attractive...and that's both based on what you know you like in another human, and common sense.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 53
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/14/2010 8:28:09 AM

That being said, if you can't know the reason why someone rejects you, then there's no way you can change yourself to meet what the other person wants, as you stated in a previous post.

You won't know the exact reason why a person rejected you but you can do your best to try and eliminate possible reasons for someone to reject you (and I'm using "you" in the general sense here). A guy might assume X is the reason he's being rejected when in fact maybe it's his religion or maybe it's his fitness level or maybe it's his blurry photos or maybe it's the quality of his profile or email. I somewhat facetiously listed as an interest "grammatically correct emails" yet I still get emails sent in text speak. Not wise, right?

A great place for anybody to start eliminating reasons for rejection is the profile review section and I highly recommend it for anybody who isn't pleased with the response they're getting.
 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 54
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/14/2010 8:57:24 AM
I can agree with the OP when you come to a dating site and it seems the same bunch of people you saw years ago are still here...but in my eyes this is a free site so people have less investment in finding someone compared to a pay site. When you're shelling out $30 a month or something like that, then you want your money's worth. It's why I don't like dating sites where women pay nothing and men have to pay...or sites that show you loads of "free profiles" when you browse.

Plus I've seen how many bad photos and badly written profiles end up on POF. Again...I believe when you have money invested then you'll push to get your money's worth.

In terms of the recent discussion on "what you're offering", I agree that one should always be on the path to self-improve...and I also agree though that too many set their standards too high and thus are single for a very long period of time because they never see anyone as "good enough". I personally think those particular people should then just pick three things that are the most important and just date around. See what happens. Too many people want to find instant chemistry just from reading a profile. They're hoping to be set on fire just from what they read, rather than get to know someone.

I simply go by the general opinion that if you're being rejected like crazy, ask your friends or whoever what you think the problem is...and be open (not defensive) to the criticism. I've seen many ask, but then get insecure and defensive when the truth hits. You tell a grown adult he or she is working a crappy job, or can't carry a conversation, or comes off as creepy as opposed to cool and laid back, or whatever...and they get argumentative rather than explore what they can do to improve things.

People want to believe that everyone should accept them as they are...and that's how the world actually works. However, they don't want to get the idea that people can also exercise the right to refuse.

I also stand by that online dating should be an assist, not the total means of meeting people...and too many out there sit on dating sites and possibly meetup sites, as opposed to living life and thus meeting people that way.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 55
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History
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/17/2010 5:57:41 PM

94% of my emails get ignored

If that's true, then there's something wrong. It could be your profile, it could be what you are saying in your emails, or it could be that you are contacting people who definitely are not looking for someone like you. For instance, at least 1/4 to 1/3 of the guys who contact me are 22-28 years old and have nothing more to say than, "Wanna chat?" or "I think you're hot." I'm 57 and if you read my profile I make it clear that I'm interested in a man who is intelligent and interesting. I would even correspond with these guys if they had something interesting to say but they don't. So you think I still owe them a response?

If that many of your emails are being ignored, you are definitely doing something wrong. Even I don't ignore 94% of my emails, even though I should.
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 56
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/19/2010 12:03:14 PM
No...but I think I'd like to ....how much does it cost? and where do I deposit my cashola? Do I need to sign anything? Is there a special discount for first time suckers?

Personally I think 'the hype' is over exaggerated....and is completely dependant on the intellectual percentage of a persons entire make up...
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 57
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/20/2010 2:18:16 PM

Can someone tell me why all my post have disappeared?


If that happened can you explain to me how you managed to be writing this?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 58
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/20/2010 2:28:47 PM

Can someone tell me why all my post have disappeared?

It happened to me as well. It took a matter of an hour or two and my history reappeared.



Umbrellaman21.... Its absolutely true...no one owes anyone anything.. but for me.. I would never look away if someone said hello.... so I try to apply that here as well.


That's good to hear, at some people have some kind of decency. :)



I don't mind so much a person not responding, but it's the UNread / deletes that are actually more rude, because you took the time to write them a nice well written email, and they don't even read it?? Yikes.

I have to agree with this. I rarely, send a first contact email to anyone that is not a forum poster but a couple of months ago I ran across a profile with a question in it about an event in our local area. I went to the website of said event, copied the link(s) and sent it to that guy. He unread/deleted my email. Guess he really didn't want the information he was asking for! ***shrugs*** I respond to every single first contact email. It's the polite thing to do. After that? It's subjective of course. JMO
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 59
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/20/2010 3:32:31 PM
I'm trying to become a "professional dater" But I can't seem to make any $$$ at it,.. or even get laid. Maybe I need some Hype... Hey,. anyone have a quart of hype I can borrow? I may actually need more hype then that,. but I don't want to use too much hype and over-hype myself.. does anyone have any "hype-guidelines" a neophite Hypster can follow??
 daffie
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 60
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History
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/25/2010 4:52:03 AM
^^if you know a woman is online 24/7, doesn't that mean you are online also?.. .

i've been here for a few years now.
reading and posting on the forums has become my relaxation before bed if i am home for the evening...
whilst in bed actually!...

some of the same faces have been around for quite a while, who cares?
i'm sure there are lots of reasons why this is so, most of which have already been presented.
with a busy social life and lots of friends pof has never been the centre of my being.
call it cheap entertainment!...
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 61
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/25/2010 1:31:36 PM

What intrigues me is the amount of time women spend on this site, seemingly 24/7 online. Who are they talking to, and about what???

Well, to whom are you talking at all those same times, and about what?

Okay, but that aside, they're probably just staying logged in because you get more views if it looks like you're online. Just takes a couple of seconds here and there during the day to go back and refresh the log-in, is all. Then one can respond to e-mails at one's leisure.

One woman told me she can have as many as seven dates per week if she wanted.

That's probably true. However, it does not mean that all of those potential dates are in any way desirable. Chances are that most of them are not.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 62
Are you buying into the hype?
Posted: 10/28/2010 10:27:39 AM
what hype ??? I am no longer dating and just here for the forums ..because I got back with the Ex..something you are not suppose to do but what the heck ..it has worked for me

but when I was dating ...I met several very nice and interesting ladies from here ...POF is one of the most profitable ways of meeting people ..the one thing I do think people are doing wrong is they are looking for a relationship ...I was always looking for friends and dates ..I will never look for love ..love will find you when its right ..looking for mr /ms right is why so many wind up with mr/ms wrong ..I never had any problem getting dates from POF and met some really nice people ..also look hard enough for red flags and you will find them ...look for a reason to ignore red flags ant they will disappear.. but after all what significance is a red flag when you are just looking for some company for a date ... and when mr/ms right comes along ..its all good ...some people are trophy hunting ...trying to bag the big one ...I was just enjoying the hunt ..just walking through the woods and taking in all the sights ,sounds ,smells and pleasures ..simple pleasures ..I enjoyed the ones I let get away ..just as much as the ones I bagged
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