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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 26
Busy with a time framePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Would you really be satisfied with three weeks of messages like, "Just want to say hi" or "Yep, still busy"? What's the point of that? This isn't some girl who just disappeared, she told him in advance that she'd be overwhelmed for a specific period of time and if he wasn't cool with that, he could have just said so.

If she took the initiative to send text messages and make phone calls every day or every other day, I'd consider her interest a possibility. I had one woman who did text and call every day for two weeks and the calls were not just ``hi'' and ``goodbye,'' yet she set up a two meetings, only to bail - twice. It's best to just write someone off if the person doesn't show enough interest to find a way to meet.

So many people here seem to expect her to make time for a guy she's been on just two dates with because apparently they think allotting someone half an hour when you're dirty and tired is a great way to kick start a relation ship.

I guess that depends on the guy. If I'm interested in woman, I'll have no difficulty getting cleaned up and allotting her a lot more than half an hour, regardless of how much I'm working unless I was at work every hour I wasn't sleeping, so I would expect a woman to find some time to meet me over a three week stretch. We aren't talking about folks who are 80 years old here.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 27
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/1/2010 6:54:07 PM

The point of that would be to keep the lines of communication open.

My interpretation of that phrase is for all parties to stay informed of what's up. She informed him in advance of what's up and for how long.


But too busy to drop a 60 second text on him every now and then? Too busy to take a minute to answer a polite text from him? Nobody that's interested in someone would ever be that busy.

And guess what happens when you send that 60 second reply? That same person comes in here, starts a thread saying his new girl keeps sending him one and two line responses. Then the masses tell him it means she's not interested and he should move on. Because the advice for almost everything here is to "move on."


If you were interested in a man would you ignore him trying to reach out and connect with you for weeks?

The key phrase is if you were interested. It sounds like people here won't allow any time for someone's interest to grow and believe if the person isn't in love with you immediately, you should just move on. If the guy couldn't be bothered to put things on hold with this woman he barely knows for three weeks, it could just as easily be argued he's not all that interested in her either. I just don't see what he would have to lose by asking her out after the three weeks are up.
 Clark_Kal-el_Kent
Joined: 4/17/2010
Msg: 28
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/1/2010 10:25:24 PM
Thanks Everyone. I am not in Limbo, if I had the chance I would've asked someone out during those 3 weeks. After careful analysis of the comments above, if she doesn't call me by next weekend, I'm going to call her and hope for the best. If not, then no biggie, it's not like I expect too at this point.

I met her in real life, she lives far, so meeting was out of the question, just to clear a few things up.
 sunbeach95
Joined: 9/27/2010
Msg: 29
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/5/2010 8:36:08 AM
I would text or call her one last time. But I wouldn't have high expectations. If someone was seriously interested, then I think they could have had a few text / phone conversations even though they were unable to go out with you during that 3 week time period.
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 30
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/5/2010 9:13:05 AM
I dont know man. I'd kind of let it die out with some quiet dignity. This girl hasnt shown sh*t for interest.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 31
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/5/2010 10:20:04 AM

The key phrase is if you were interested. It sounds like people here won't allow any time for someone's interest to grow and believe if the person isn't in love with you immediately, you should just move on. If the guy couldn't be bothered to put things on hold with this woman he barely knows for three weeks, it could just as easily be argued he's not all that interested in her either. I just don't see what he would have to lose by asking her out after the three weeks are up.

I think this is one of the major difference between real life dating and online dating. In real life, you always start with physical attraction and what happens depends on whatyou find out about each other after a few dates and talking to each other once you've gone out once. What you just described is what is natural in real life dating. Online, it's somewhat different. You start out knowing some or even a lot about the person you're going to meet.

With almost every woman I met, the mental aspect of the attraction was there. Meeting in person was the point at which physical attraction determined whether there was enough interest to continue dating. By the time I met someone, we had sent each other enough messages and talked on the phone enough that there was never any question about whether we were calling each other too often or not enough. I would think that if one is still wondering if it's okay to call or wondering why someone isn't returning calls or texts, there is no reason to even meet for a first date. By the time one decides on a second date, I think everyone ought to be pretty clear on why one is going on a second date.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 32
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/6/2010 1:10:11 AM
^^ Abelian, surely you know that your way of dating is not the norm. Your style expects both people to be head over heels for each other by the end of the first date and in an instant relationship. I've even done that sort of thing before but typically it's a relationship driven by lust, which isn't necessarily the best foundation.

Timing is everything and I think it's wise for someone to realize when the timing isn't right to start something new. But your "now or never" approach doesn't allow for any delay. This isn't a situation where the person is just eternally busy. It's one where the girl gave a definite end date to her situation. What if you went on two dates with a woman and then she was going out of the country for three weeks-- would you cross her off your list or would you try to date her again when she returned?

I think the OP has the right idea to check in with her at the end of the three weeks and attempt to start fresh. He can determine at that time if there's any interest on her part (as well as his). If there isn't, he's no worse off than if he'd just dropped her immediately. If there is, he can see for himself if her three week absence was an isolated incident or a recurring behavior with her. But if he still has an interest in her, he'd only be hurting himself by not even giving it a chance.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 33
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/6/2010 4:05:15 PM
^^ Abelian, surely you know that your way of dating is not the norm.

I don't think there's much about me that could be considered the ``norm,'' so my dating style is probably just a reflection of me, although I don't really see anyone with a different dating style having fewer issues dating or having a more enjoyable time dating here. I'd be inclined to say that if my dating style isn't the norm, perhaps the norm sucks for online dating from a guy's perspective. I expected women who were interested in meeting me to act like they were interested. If it's normal to play ``Gee, I don't know, I'll get back to you when I finish washing my hair,'' then the norm seems like a rather poor dating style. The term my fiancee used to describe what she gleaned from my profile was ``high maintenance.'' I'd call it me being too dumb to deal with hints and body language, but whatever it is, if that's what ``not the norm'' means, well ok. It worked well for me. In any case, there's no real payoff in doing things the normal way if the normal way of doing things doesn't work as well as doing something different.

Your style expects both people to be head over heels for each other by the end of the first date and in an instant relationship.

I think the instant relationship is a misconception, but I don't know why you think that, so I'm not sure how to answer.

It's one where the girl gave a definite end date to her situation. What if you went on two dates with a woman and then she was going out of the country for three weeks-- would you cross her off your list or would you try to date her again when she returned?

Yes. I tried that once and despite having a definite time pinned down, twice, she had an excuse to vail at the last second. After that, I decided that a woman who was interested in me enough to be worth dating would find a way to meet me. Being busy for three weeks is ridiculous unless she's at work every hour she isn't sleeping. (Being too tired after a normal days work is another issue that doesn't seem promising, so I really don't think that's a good reason.)
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 34
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Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/6/2010 4:34:35 PM
If she was interested, she would have made herself available before three weeks, unless she was away on a booked holiday or something. Even then, she'd probably want to talk to you on the phone at least. Why waste your efforts on someone who has no time for you?
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 35
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/6/2010 7:03:00 PM
I guess by now you have gotten most of the same comments to move on. People do get busy in their daily lives but if someone enjoys being with you they make time for you, even if it's just a few minutes chatting on the phone to say "Hello".
 softy63
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 36
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/6/2010 10:29:52 PM

Would you really be satisfied with three weeks of messages like, "Just want to say hi" or "Yep, still busy"? What's the point of that?

Agreed.
I was talking to a man for a little while who is a cop. He was lovely and we talked for a while on line. When I suggested we maybe catch up (he lives only a few streets away from me), he said he was busy. We kept talking and I again asked if we could meet but he kept saying he was busy with his police work. (He's never been married, 48 and no kids). So I decided he's married to his job and wished him well.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 37
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History
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/7/2010 7:02:13 PM
Frankly I wouldn't want to date a woman who tells me she doesn't want to go on a 3rd date with me within the next three weeks because she's working every day. Either she's full of crap, or someone who is not serious about dating. There's no reason why someone can't go on a 3rd date even though he/she is working 21 days straight. What, they can't find time to show interest in someone who is interested in them? Not even for a cup of joe? Completely and totally ridiculous. Or she's not desirable if she's so discombobulated because of her job. Not really desirable. I say she's full of BS, and she's got one or more other guys lined up. People think they spare you their feelings when they come up with this line of BS. I'd call or e-mail her and tell her the ball is in her court; you're interested in her but you're not putting your life on hold, you're going to seek more available romantic interests in the meantime.
 Fierysunlvr
Joined: 1/14/2010
Msg: 38
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Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 9:48:19 AM
Some people really are that busy. Almost everyone I know has to work 2 jobs as one 40 hour a week job is no longer enough for most people's bills. Many jobs have stopped giving pay raises and bonuses ages ago so people are now working themselves to death with having 2 jobs. STILL...it would seem that one would have time to text or email or even meet for coffee between jobs. I work 2 jobs and I still have time to send a text or to let someone know I care. If i were you, I'd keep my options open and date others. LOL, I bet she suddenly gets "less busy" when she sees you are going out on dates with others!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 39
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 11:26:19 AM

Some people really are that busy. Almost everyone I know has to work 2 jobs as one 40 hour a week job is no longer enough for most people's bills.

Since there are only 24 hours in a day, one has to decide how to allot them. If one is so busy that one does not have anytime to allot for dating, then one is too busy to be dating. That's just reality. Why is not really relevant, because no argument is going to make the day a few hours longer.

I bet she suddenly gets "less busy" when she sees you are going out on dates with others!

Funny how that tends to shift some people's priorities. That's why the best policy is to write off anyone who doesn't seem interested enough and move on unless and until that person finds a little more interest and gets back in touch.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 40
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 11:34:51 AM
^^^Agreed that someone who's working a lot of hours isn't in the right place to be dating, nor should they be trying to be. When I was working 2 jobs and going to school the last thing on my mind was finding a date (well, more than usual).

There's no reason why someone can't go on a 3rd date even though he/she is working 21 days straight. What, they can't find time to show interest in someone who is interested in them? Not even for a cup of joe?

My issue with this is that most are ok with a cup of coffee initially but then get upset that it's JUST a cup of coffee. So then you have to do the thing where you have to be rigid and explain you want to keep it a certain length of time and people get all offended by this and tell you if you care, or whatever you'll drop everything. It can tend to be a can of worms...which is fine by me but some people can feel bad about it.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 41
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 11:40:27 AM
My issue with this is that most people are ok with a cup of coffee initially but then get upset that it's a cup of coffee


I think the Op would be very happy with a cup of coffee. All he is really asking this woman to do is to show him some interest. or if she is not really interested to let him know. But telling him she will be busy for 3 weeks then cutting off all contact is just leaving him hanging.

The OP understand about being busy. He has a problem with her being too busy to even answer a text or make a quick phone call. I think if either of those things were happening then the OP would have been perfectly ok to wait until the lady got unbusy. But no contact at all for weeks this early in the dating process is sending off red flags to him.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 42
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 11:54:28 AM

If one is so busy that one does not have anytime to allot for dating, then one is too busy to be dating.

That totally contradicts what you've said in this thread. You've said that if a person is interested, they have to make time. This statement I've quoted above is one I agree with and it may apply to the girl in the OP's situation. If someone you've invested very little into said she had a temporary situation that leaves her unavailable for dating for a certain period, I don't know why you wouldn't continue dating other people as you normally would and if you're still single when that period is over, check back in with her.


But telling him she will be busy for 3 weeks then cutting off all contact is just leaving him hanging.

It's not all that different from someone saying, "I'll give you a call" and taking a long time to call or never calling. How much hanging a person does depends on how much they choose to put themselves on hold for someone else.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 43
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 12:09:41 PM
It's not all that different from someone saying " I'll give you a call" and taking a long time to call or never calling


Actually it's very different and it depends on what gender is saying this. If a woman says to you " I will give you a call" it usually means she will be calling you sometime in the very near future.

If some men says to you " I will give you a call" It usually means between now and when they die, if they get really really bored with nothing better to do, and your number happen to be right there, where they don't even have to reach for it, They very well might dial it. This usually hold very true if the guy is a pig and is heading out the door after having sex with you for the first time.


How much hanging a person does depends on how much they choose to put themselves on hold for someone else


Thus the reason I tell the OP to move on. The woman does not show enough interest for him to keep trying.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 44
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 1:01:14 PM
That totally contradicts what you've said in this thread.

Actually, it does not. What I've quoted below is the problem.

You've said that if a person is interested, they have to make time.

Not quite. I said they will make time. You inserted the words ``have to'' which changes the meaning of what I said. No one has to do anything if he/she doesn't want to do it. If you change ``have'' to ``want,'' I think it will be clear. I can want to wash my hair AND want to meet you, but if I only have enough time to do one of those things, and I wash my hair, I think that pretty much tells you how interested I am in meeting you. Would that be enough interest to hold your interest in meeting me? I would think and hope not.

How much hanging a person does depends on how much they choose to put themselves on hold for someone else.

Correct. Perhaps we have different ideas with respect to what interest another person has to show before putting our lives on hold for that person. I won't hang very long.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 45
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 3:05:29 PM
I would say that her interest level in you is probably moderate to low. It doesn't matter what her extenuating circumstances are. The signs are all there. She's not sending you clear signals of high interest because she's not that interested---at least not at this point. Of course, you can try to change her level of interest in you by giving her another chance and contacting her again at the end of her 3-week hiatus. The thing is, you need to be completely honest with yourself first and realize that you're more into her than she is into you.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 46
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/8/2010 4:19:34 PM

I said they will make time. You inserted the words ``have to'' which changes the meaning of what I said.

The "have to" part comes from your end. She has to make time for you or else forget it-- it's over, no chance of possibly finding happiness between you two. So if she realizes what you said-- that if she's so busy she shouldn't be dating-- that makes her permanently undateable in your eyes. If you like a girl enough that you want to date her now but aren't interested in possibly dating her in three weeks, the only one being deprived is you. That's why it makes no sense to me why someone wouldn't at least give it a go if they're still unattached at the end of the separation.


you can try to change her level of interest in you by giving her another chance and contacting her again at the end of her 3-week hiatus.

Good to see somebody else gets it.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 47
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/9/2010 10:39:26 AM

The "have to" part comes from your end. She has to make time for you or else forget it-- it's over, no chance of possibly finding happiness between you two. So if she realizes what you said-- that if she's so busy she shouldn't be dating-- that makes her permanently undateable in your eyes.

Not exactly. It's more like ``Get back in touch if and when you have enough time to date me and if I'm not interested in someone else, we'll see.''

If you like a girl enough that you want to date her now but aren't interested in possibly dating her in three weeks, the only one being deprived is you.

I didn't see it that way. In three weeks, I'd probably meet 6 different women, all of whom I was interested in enough to meet them. I might like a girl enough to want to date her, but if she isn't interested in dating me, I could get over that easily enough and find someone I liked just as well who was interested in dating me. It's not like I'd know her or anyone else well enough to be innstantly and hopelessly in love.

That's why it makes no sense to me why someone wouldn't at least give it a go if they're still unattached at the end of the separation.

The keyword is ``unattached.'' If I met someone I well enough to date before the other woman got back to me, that person was sol and I certainly wouldn't feel like I was being deprived of anything. That did happen. I was interested in meeting at least one person who was just too busy to meet me when I met my fiancee, When she did get back in touch with me, she found out I was dating the woman to whom I'm now engaged and no longer available. Opportunity rarely knocks twice, so if you don't take it when it arises, you may not get a second chance.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 48
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/9/2010 11:23:46 AM

I thought she was worth the wait, but the no response has changed my mind.

Seems sensible. She ignored your last two contacts... whatever the circumstances, that's quite enough.

Sorry it went this way, and here's hoping for better your next time out!
 Clark_Kal-el_Kent
Joined: 4/17/2010
Msg: 49
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/9/2010 8:46:21 PM
How come no one considered she could be dead? Anyways, I made my final approach attempt, but a Wedding is coming up soon that I'm attending. Hopefully I can meet someone from the grooms side (He's not my cousin). Wedding Crashing styles.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 50
Busy with a time frame
Posted: 10/10/2010 3:55:46 AM

Not exactly. It's more like ``Get back in touch if and when you have enough time to date me and if I'm not interested in someone else, we'll see.''

Argh. That's what I've been suggesting all along.
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