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 scarlet tanager
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 76
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about mePage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

so... as an asian female, you are not allowed to have a personality and be an induvidual in front of your parents????

some people better off raising a dog than actual humans...


My parents raised me well and I have no problem with respecting them and respecting my culture.


Take a look at how far "respect" goes in the US or western world. Kids being able to sue their parents and vice-versa?? Kids beating up teachers and throwing profanity at them?? Parents being able to kick their own children out of their house? At this rate, why would anyone even need a thing called a family unit for???


This will sound a lil extreme but for you to get the idea, take this example: If you were a parent, how does the idea of your son or daughter bringing their bf/gf to fvck on your bed, sound like to you???

Would you be happy with that and say "Oh its just my son/daughter expressing their individuality"?? ...... ...

Same thing applies to the concept I explained about my culture. Sure my above example was a bit extreme but I pulled it up to show how in nearly EVERY culture there are lines of respect that one should, well, respect.

My parents know I have a dating life, culturally, it's just not necessary that they meet and "get to know" any guy so well until it's an established fact that this is a guy whom I am looking to marry. .. Really, what is the point when who knows IF in a couple weeks or months later we might even break up? .. .







I know that many Asians are more Americanized these days, and thus aren't following all traditions. However, there are many that still do, and that is their prerogative.



This is correct. I'm glad there are at least some others out there who are able to understand how the differences work.

 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 77
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 12:31:02 PM
you are right scarlet.. that all does sound very extreme..
and it seems you take the word "respect" out of context..
the examples you gave have not much to do with respect..more a lack of morals in the western world.

but to be honest I believe in induvidualism and the freedom of being who you are.
no matter the obsticals and of hindering from who ever.

as for kids sueing parents, I dont see how that is a bad thing..
if parents screw up a child so bad he or she has emotional problems later in life, Im all for sueing..

see the funny thing about respect, is, that its earned..
its not some default setting where rules dictate you have to respect someone because he or she is this or that to you in your life...
even parents, if they are lousy they dont deserve respect.
how about parents respecting theyre children?

I agree with your position on the family unit comment..
there absolutely is no need for such a thing at all..
not unless youre in a war struck country...


This is correct. I'm glad there are at least some others out there who are able to understand how the differences work.

^ this is funny..
clearely the differences DONT work, if you read the thread issue.
to me you can call it what you want, "cultural differences" "tradition" etc.
it still is a form of racism.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 78
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 12:38:22 PM

My parents raised me well and I have no problem with respecting them and respecting my culture.


Take a look at how far "respect" goes in the US or western world. Kids being able to sue their parents and vice-versa?? Kids beating up teachers and throwing profanity at them?? Parents being able to kick their own children out of their house? At this rate, why would anyone even need a thing called a family unit for???


This will sound a lil extreme but for you to get the idea, take this example: If you were a parent, how does the idea of your son or daughter bringing their bf/gf to fvck on your bed, sound like to you???

Would you be happy with that and say "Oh its just my son/daughter expressing their individuality"?? ...... ...

Same thing applies to the concept I explained about my culture. Sure my above example was a bit extreme but I pulled it up to show how in nearly EVERY culture there are lines of respect that one should, well, respect.

My parents know I have a dating life, culturally, it's just not necessary that they meet and "get to know" any guy so well until it's an established fact that this is a guy whom I am looking to marry. .. Really, what is the point when who knows IF in a couple weeks or months later we might even break up? .. .



^^^I think the operative word here is "respect" the differences and traditions of other cultures. We don't have to agree with them, and more than likely will have a hard time understanding.

It is typical for many as it is not something that was imbedded into their upbringing/foreign to them. Maintaining an open mind is also essential in these matters.
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 79
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 12:48:54 PM

I think the operative word here is "respect" the differences and traditions of other cultures. We don't have to agree with them, and more than likely will have a hard time understanding.
It is typical for many as it is not something that was imbedded into their upbringing/foreign to them. Maintaining an open mind is also essential in these matters.


lady.. are you on acid?
I dont see how this has anything to do with respect...
its pure racism!

the funny thing is, that when you dont live in the country of origin, the traditions you nurture, that are from your home country, have to be prioritized.
meaning, you cant lets say circumsize your daughter when you live in the US..
eventho its a tradition to you...
its funny hearing north americans talk about traditions and cultures...
totally clueless

when in rome...
(rome has great traditions btw)
 scarlet tanager
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 80
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 12:53:04 PM

^ this is funny..
clearely the differences DONT work, if you read the thread issue.
to me you can call it what you want, "cultural differences" "tradition" etc.
it still is a form of racism.


What I mean is: How the word "respect" works differently in different cultures.

At the very minimum, understand that it works differently and you will have gotten closer to seeing how it actually works (in that particular culture). All you are doing here imposing YOUR views on another culture and labeling them by your own definitions as you would like to interpret it, not how it actually is. But yeah, to each their own. Refuse to understand it from a different cultural point of view and you cease to understand anything at all that does not conform to your "standards".


Back to the son/daughter bringing their gf/bf to "sleep" in a parents bed scenario. While you may argue that in the western culture this is more a question of "morals" .. How about, lets say that there is this other culture where having sex with one's bf/gf in the bed of one's parents is completely the NORM in their culture?? ...... They could very well label YOU as being narrow-minded, ignorant, and whatever else they wish to interpret your views too.
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 81
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:00:52 PM

What I mean is: How the word "respect" works differently in different cultures.

At the very minimum, understand that it works differently and you will have gotten closer to seeing how it actually works (in that particular culture). All you are doing here imposing YOUR views on another culture and labeling them by your own definitions as you would like to interpret it, not how it actually is. But yeah, to each their own. Refuse to understand it from a different cultural point of view and you cease to understand anything at all that does not conform to your "standards". .

I hope you arent directly misinterpeting my words here...
and say that I am imposing MY views here.. because that is not the case
how am I imposing my views on anyone..?
I think the heavy traditional parents are the ones doing just that..


Back to the son/daughter bringing their gf/bf to "sleep" in a parents bed scenario. While you may argue that in the western culture this is more a question of "morals" .. How about, lets say that there is this other culture where having sex with one's bf/gf in the bed of one's parents is completely the NORM in their culture?? ...... They could very well label YOU as being narrow-minded, ignorant, and whatever else they wish to interpret your views too.

I dont see why there is talk about narrow mindedness etc.
Im not sure what your argument is here...
 scarlet tanager
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 82
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:09:21 PM

lady.. are you on acid?
I dont see how this has anything to do with respect...
its pure racism!

the funny thing is, that when you dont live in the country of origin, the traditions you nurture, that are from your home country, have to be prioritized.
meaning, you cant lets say circumsize your daughter when you live in the US..
eventho its a tradition to you...
its funny hearing north americans talk about traditions and cultures...
totally clueless

when in rome...
(rome has great traditions btw)


I think you are the one who is using extreme far-out-in-the-left-field examples here. I don't see how "circumsizing" is connected to how respectworks differently in different cultures. Sure its a cultural practice but it has nothing to do with showing or not showing respect from a cultural stance.

My example of kids bringing their gf/bf to have sex in their parents bed was already an example for you to perhaps see how respect works differently in different cultures. ..... Sure one can do it, but I am sure that to many, if not MOST western-cultured parents, this is a deep sign of DISRESPECT from their children towards them.






I hope you arent directly misinterpeting my words here...
and say that I am imposing MY views here.. because that is not the case
how am I imposing my views on anyone..?


VVV





to me you can call it what you want, "cultural differences" "tradition" etc.
it still is a form of racism.





so... as an asian female, you are not allowed to have a personality and be an induvidual in front of your parents????

some people better off raising a dog than actual humans....


This has nothing to do with "having a personality" or "being an individual" in front of my parents. I have my own personality and individualness alright. But that does not mean that I am going to disrespect my family and culture's values.

If you don't get it, you never will.

I rest my case.
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 83
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:25:38 PM
I don't see how "circumsizing" is connected to how respect works differently in different cultures. Sure its a cultural practice but it has nothing to do with showing or not showing respect from a cultural stance.

the example was to illustrate how "traditional" or "cultural" differences dont automatically deserve respect or have to be honored..
especially in a country where this isnt a normal way of treating people or family.
in this case I believe 2 north americans who want to date, but they cant act free because of cultural differences!
I find this sad, very sad.. I mean I can understand it if it where montagues and capulets..or hootsies and tootsies... or a jewish with a german in WWII etc. etc.

it doesnt mean I have to agree or think its exagurated, and some traditions have no practical use whatsoever...
 scarlet tanager
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 84
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:31:28 PM

and I dont care to much for your "lesson" in cultural differences.
I have respect, and tasted many different cultures and traditions,



 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 85
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:36:01 PM
And there you have it, Scarlet Tanager! No further words need be said.

Now pass me the bottle...........................
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 86
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:36:18 PM
^
so this is your argument..?
after trying to come across as an intelligent woman with a so called message about traditions and cultural differences..
the best you can do is put up an emoticon??

you just deflated everything you where trying to say with this...

I guess its a cultural difference I have to respect.
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 87
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:50:32 PM
So its "cultural" then.


OKAY.



So, the OP's boyfriend also tells her that she isnt allowed to comment on his facebook, and things like that.

All of this, obviously bothers the OP. In their case, it has only been 3 months. But what if, in other cases, its far longer than that, and someone you're dating is clearly letting you know that it bothers them? What do you do then? Tell them to accept your culture as well, when you clearly have not accepted their culture, in that perhaps where theyre from, its appropriate for you to meet their family within a certain period of time? And perhaps, in meeting their family, and seeing how you all get along, and how things progress from there, they can decide if they further want to pursue you, based on multiple things, and that?


How do you go about handling all of that?


I mean really.....You dont introduce someone to your folks unless you plan to marry them? So....you could date someone for YEARS without them ever meeting your parents?


This is going to sound harsh, but no wonder asians stick to asians for the most part. JUST SAYIN'
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 88
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 1:55:35 PM

I dont see how this has anything to do with respect...
its pure racism!

The OP has not stated there's any animosity from her boyfriend or his family toward other races so there's no evidence of racism. It's simply his familial preference to marry within their culture and it's his choice whether or not to do that. It's no different than a Catholic person wanting to marry another Catholic. It doesn't mean they dislike anyone who isn't Catholic.


I mean really.....You dont introduce someone to your folks unless you plan to marry them? So....you could date someone for YEARS without them ever meeting your parents?

I dated a guy for three years who never met my parents (nor I his) and the relationship didn't suffer for it. Nobody is forced to remain in a situation they're not satisfied with so if the OP doesn't like that she hasn't met the family and he isn't willing to make the introductions, it's her choice whether to keep dating him or not.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 89
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 2:05:07 PM
I mean really.....You dont introduce someone to your folks unless you plan to marry them?


^^I don't introduce every man I go on a date with to my immediate family. I introduce when we have a formal relationship (not necessarily marriage in my case).

I don't understand why it is so hard for some to accept that there are other cultures who are raised differently and have different customs. Goodness; have we not been exposed to other groups? i.e. The Amish, Orthodox Jewish, etc.............
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 90
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 2:11:59 PM

The OP has not stated there's any animosity from her boyfriend or his family toward other races so there's no evidence of racism. It's simply his familial preference to marry within their culture and it's his choice whether or not to do that. It's no different than a Catholic person wanting to marry another Catholic. It doesn't mean they dislike anyone who isn't Catholic.


alright point taken.. its not blatant racism....its a preference..and no its no different then any other "culture" or religion or movement.

http://www.rense.com/general37/char.htm

so replace politics with culture...

I still dont see how this is a thing that has to be respected when there's parties suffering or a relationship stagnating on "tradition"
 scarlet tanager
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 91
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 2:26:14 PM

^
so this is your argument..?
after trying to come across as an intelligent woman with a so called message about traditions and cultural differences..
the best you can do is put up an emoticon??

you just deflated everything you where trying to say with this...

I guess its a cultural difference I have to respect.


Nahh dude. You killed your own argument by saying that you:


and I dont care to much for your "lesson" in cultural differences.


but at the same time you insist:


I have respect, and tasted many different cultures and traditions,


Which you evidently edited from your original post once you realized how self-contradicitng that was.

More beer anyone??? ....




So its "cultural" then.


OKAY.



So, the OP's boyfriend also tells her that she isnt allowed to comment on his facebook, and things like that.

All of this, obviously bothers the OP. In their case, it has only been 3 months. But what if, in other cases, its far longer than that, and someone you're dating is clearly letting you know that it bothers them? What do you do then? Tell them to accept your culture as well, when you clearly have not accepted their culture, in that perhaps where theyre from, its appropriate for you to meet their family within a certain period of time? And perhaps, in meeting their family, and seeing how you all get along, and how things progress from there, they can decide if they further want to pursue you, based on multiple things, and that?


How do you go about handling all of that?


I mean really.....You dont introduce someone to your folks unless you plan to marry them? So....you could date someone for YEARS without them ever meeting your parents?


This is going to sound harsh, but no wonder asians stick to asians for the most part. JUST SAYIN'


My GUESS (as with all the rest of the posters here who are guessing/ assuming/speculating based on their own experiences, thoughts & knowledge as well) is that perhaps culture has a lot to do with how the OP's bf is reacting to their relationship due to the fact that I come from an Asian culture that embodies a similar approach as well.

To answer your questions: If you are dating a person and headed for long-term, meaning: You would not hesitate to marry this person, you would then proceed to having them meet your family, esp your parents to get to know one another. (How many women have you dated and felt strong about enough to marry?? .... My guess is that there were perhaps many women that you liked/had strong emotions for but few that you really felt could be "the one" you spend the rest of your life with.) Living together/ cohabiting is not much encouraged, even frowned upon. But then again aren't there conservative groups of western culture that frown on cohabitation w/o marriage as well??

I agree with this:


Nobody is forced to remain in a situation they're not satisfied with so if the OP doesn't like that she hasn't met the family and he isn't willing to make the introductions, it's her choice whether to keep dating him or not.


If OP feels that not being able to meet her bf's parents and/or not being able to post on each others wall on Facebook are legitimate dealbreakers, then so be it. Dating and relationships are hard enough as it is. Throw interraccial/cultural into the mix and it only gets more complex.


But realize: There are certain things that are only as difficult or as easy as we make it.
 scenesoflife
Joined: 8/25/2010
Msg: 92
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 2:43:01 PM
scarlet teenager,

I still dont see how a "lesson" (clearely meant sarcastic) crosses the fact that I have respect for different cultures and traditions...
see, I may not care for you personally and your message, that doesnt take a way that I can respect and see how other cultures work..or your culture with its traditions for that fact..
also the reason that I took that piece off, was because that was the only thing you argumented on, like some brat not capable of having a discussion, and therefor reaches for cheap shots...

what I do want to ad is this.
respect is all good n well, but if it interfears with you personally I dont see how respect can be upheld. the only way you can respect something is when you see it in the way, the object or statement that demands respect, does...
so if you have problems with how something, someone treats you, you dont have respect..
simple no?

another thing.. I still think its a form of racism..
I mean there are many names for feces... but in the end it still is a piece of sh*t
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 93
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/12/2010 4:23:22 PM

I still dont see how this is a thing that has to be respected when there's parties suffering or a relationship stagnating on "tradition"

The guy is free to marry whomever he wants to marry so this whole discussion about his parents' preference is irrelevant. There's no telling if he'd want to marry the OP even if she were Chinese. It sounds like she's pretty happy with the guy so I don't think the relationship is suffering or stagnating because of this situation, she just had a question and for some reason she decided to ask it here rather than going to the source. She's not in the dark about the direction he's headed and if/when it really becomes important for her to know if they have marriage potential, she can determine what to do at that point. But he's not obligated to give in to her demands and she's not obligated to put up with what he has to offer.
 NeedsAdvice
Joined: 3/21/2010
Msg: 94
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/13/2010 12:26:40 PM
I kinda brought up the topic with him earlier this week...I was telling him how i felt about my room mate and her relationship...her man hasnt mentioned to anyone that he has been seeing someone...they have been together for over a year now...his friends dont know about her at all...i told him that i thought it was ridiculous that they didnt even know about her...i mean i can understand the family not knowing...but i mean his friends?...

his response to it....." well my friend has been with his girl for about 3 years and i havent met her...so i can understand him"

my response..." but you know about her right?"

his response..." well ya...ok i get what you mean."

i dont know what to think of that but i mean that was just me touching in on the subject i still plan to really ask him this weekend...

This is the weekend we are going on our trip...and well in the case that we do end up...well have sex....i had asked him to please go get tested before this weekend...and i also told him about the last few people i have dated and their reaction to me asking that. which was usually them getting offended or just giving up cuz it was too much work to go through it all (not worth it)...

his response....."no problem babe...i would like think of myself as not "like most" guys...plus i told you already i would never want to do anything to harm you, in ANY way. so its not too much work."

hes so sweet and i really hope im not just looking for something bad from him....cuz it all just seems to be too good to be true....

i dont mind not meeting his parents unless it gets serious (engagement) but i just want to know he's not embarrassed for his friends to know he is with me......
 Ineedyounow35
Joined: 9/20/2010
Msg: 95
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/13/2010 12:38:07 PM
"hes so sweet and i really hope im not just looking for something bad from him....cuz it all just seems to be too good to be true...."

Sounds to me OP's boyfriend has her wrapped around his finger. I still don't understand why he would not introduce you to his family or friends after 3 months of dating. I am sorry but not being introduced to friends and at least 1 or 2 family members after 3 months of dating does not sound very sweet or nice to me. Something does not ad up here, and it really just sounds like there is not a serious relationship going on here. Cheers.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 96
view profile
History
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/14/2010 4:53:54 AM
On the contrary,we Asian are not racist, perhaps the OP's Bf is not ready yet for her to meet his family or friends or he is busy not going to gatherings. I have so many Mexican friends,whew! they party every week,but most of Asian have two jobs and too tired to party. It is not true that the chinese guy is embarrassed for his friends to know about her,for he wont date her if she is an embarrassing person.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 97
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/14/2010 10:26:38 AM

This is the weekend we are going on our trip...and well in the case that we do end up...well have sex....i had asked him to please go get tested before this weekend...and i also told him about the last few people i have dated and their reaction to me asking that. which was usually them getting offended or just giving up cuz it was too much work to go through it all (not worth it)...

his response....."no problem babe...i would like think of myself as not "like most" guys...plus i told you already i would never want to do anything to harm you, in ANY way. so its not too much work."

hes so sweet and i really hope im not just looking for something bad from him....cuz it all just seems to be too good to be true....

i dont mind not meeting his parents unless it gets serious (engagement) but i just want to know he's not embarrassed for his friends to know he is with me......


^^^Enjoy your wkend, and do keep us posted on how things progress. He appears to be a cool guy. Now, you need to find out why he is keeping certain things on the DL with certain people.......communication is key.

Ask him if his parents/family are on FB. Curious to know why he didn't want you to post on his page..............
 palmer f
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 98
view profile
History
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/15/2010 9:58:13 AM
It's clear that the OP has her mind made up about what is and isn't going on. So further commenting on this seems to pointless to me. But what the hell, I might as well say something.

It seems like she came on here not to seek advice, but to find others who agree with her that this a good guy and he is just busy, and by her not meeting his friends, it's all a combination of him being busy, tradition, and him taking it slow. All of that is BS, but to her it's not.

I don't think he's all that serious about her. Speaking as a Black Man that has dated women of other races, I never have been scared to have her meet my friends and family after a certain period of time.

Sure there were some looks and what not, but like I cared about that. What I was caring about was being with someone that made me smile. To me, that was far more important that what some of my family and friends thought.

I think the tradition things is just a complete lie and the really sad thing is that the OP is willing being going along with it all. But like that old saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss."

I think a good question the OP needs to answer is why is she willing to accept so little from a "good guy?" Maybe he is a good guy, I just don't know, but what I do know is that if I'm into a girl, I could give a damn what my friends and family think. My happiness is my main concern.

OP, are you that desperate to be "loved" by someone, that you are willing to accept the little crumbs that thrown your way?
 palmer f
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 99
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History
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/15/2010 10:00:40 AM
I forgot to say. A Black Man dating a White Woman in America is about as Taboo as you can get.

So the "It's Tradition" lie to me is laughable.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 100
i think he's embarrassed for his friends to know about me
Posted: 10/16/2010 10:49:48 AM
^^^An African American with a Caucasian may have been "taboo" for some, but not so much in many parts of the World. I've never heard of any cultural traditions in the African American culture in terms of dating/who you marry. You're comparing two entirely different scenarios.

Maybe more will be revealed in terms of the OP. We can speculate until the "cows come home", but no one knows for sure what the issue is at hand.
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