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 AUTHOR
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 24
Issues with Rejection?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

For whatever reason, my rejection email is often seen as almost as an "opener"


I think most women view it this way. But I also think it's just a few bad apples that's spoiling it for the rest of us. Most of us know the difference between an " Opener" and a polite " thanks but no thanks". And we will usually reply with a " thanks for being kind enough to respond, good luck with your search" and go cast our line in another direction.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 25
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 8:03:38 PM
Yet another armchair psychoanalysis.

I mean I can understand if you said you don't let it affect your behavior, or how you treat other people, you don't hold a grudge...but to be totally immune to something means it has absolutely no affect or effect on you whatsoever.

Well, I feel like I'm immune to rejection as well and yes, it has absolutely no effect on me.

Which means getting to know them to that point meant nothing. Them as part of your life for however little time had absolutely no influence on your life.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but at that point of getting to know someone, I don't know them, so yes, getting to know them meant nothing at that point, except perhaps a waste of time. Am I supposed to become despondant or something?

So their rejection of you doesn't have any effect because it's not really you they are rejecting?

I value my opinion of me more than I value someone else's opinion of me, especially someone I don't even know. Why should I care what someone else thinks about me? Do you feel marginalized if you reject someone and the person doesn't exhibit the angst you think you merit?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 26
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/11/2010 11:27:29 PM
OP if you hate wasting people's time...then don't talk to them.


SO- if you meet a girl and don't ""feel it""


then no need to call back and say "oh gosh, here's the reason's i'm not that into you"


you are assuming that these women are feeling the chemistry too.




i mean- i may call once after a 1st date where I knew there might not be a second date...small talk ....

and i don't call her back at that point.


and if she doesn't call me back then she really didn't have that much chemistry with me either.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 27
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/12/2010 12:25:09 AM

I disagree with replying to messages to say "Thanks but I'm not interested" especially after they wrote you a nice message. Who really wants to see that? Wouldn't it be better to just not get a reply then to have your inbox flooded with " Thanks but Im not interested" ?

According to the great majority who have thanked me for not leaving them hanging, no. Maybe it's in the wording. I aim to be kind, and genuinely appreciative that they wrote, but definite. This may be a generational difference, to some extent, although it's a very very common complaint on the forums by people of all ages that they got no reply, not even a "no, thanks."

Anyway, I still have a hard time seeing 2-3 dates as some great waste of time, but for those who feel that way, as it appears the OP does, how 'bout this... just think about what you'd probably find yourself saying two dates hence, and say it on the first instead, if really certain that nothing might develop there.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/12/2010 10:55:19 PM


If I go into a store to look I always wind up buying something if a salesperson helped me. Otherwise I feel guilty thinking she/he could have made a sale with someone else had they not wasted their time with me. I think that might be the same mentality I have when it comes to online dating.


Sounds like a major problem of being a people-pleaser to the extent that you will sacrifice your own well-being (i.e. spending money you don't particularly want to) in order to take care of someone else, like a salesperson. I mean, that's not a person you have obligations to, like your children. They are supposed to be there to take care of you, not the other way around.

Ever heard of CoDependents Anonymous? You might want to check out a meeting.

Telling someone "Thanks but no thanks" is not always pleasant, but the alternative is leading them on. Which is worse?
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 29
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 10:14:08 AM

Try to be less attractive on the second date: wear some plaid, pick your teeth-maybe get them yellowed for the occasion, talk about your **** y exes and the four kids waiting for you back at mom's


Should I scratch myself a lot too? Maybe take my shoes off in a fancy restaurant and start clipping my toes nails, then put the clipping on her side of the table?.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 30
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 10:36:21 AM
^^ It doesn't require that much effort on your part to chase a woman off. Two words for you: fanny pack.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 31
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 10:59:38 AM

Two words for you: fanny pack.



But don't they have to do that on the first date?
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 32
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:08:13 AM

But don't they have to do that on the first date?

I could be married for 25 years and if my husband wore a fanny pack on a date, it would be all over. It's really the ultimate break-up device.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 33
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:27:24 AM
I could be married for 25 years and if my husband wore a fanny pack on a date, it would be all over. It's really the ultimate break-up device


The ultimate break-up device for me would be a woman asking me to carry her purse. that would be grounds to end the relationship on the spot. Does ANYTHING say whipped more than a guy in a mall walking behind some woman carrying her purse.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 34
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:39:15 AM
^^^That's just as bad as a woman asking/telling her man to pick up personal feminine products.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 35
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:53:02 AM

I've held a woman's purse many times.


That wasn't my purse..it was evidence

From being REJECTED...



Women take rejection fine in MOST cases op......... IF they are well balanced.

The ones who aren't..well

Don't eat her chili..

Don't answer e mails if the pic, profile or message isn't what you are interested in..They won't crash and burn..
or put your head in a sack.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 36
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 11:56:10 AM
I'v help a woman's purse many times


Of course you have. I bet you're also the type of guy that's ok with giving your pay check to your wife on payday and letting her take care of everything while giving you an allowance?. And if you want a extra few bucks to go out and have a beer with your friends you have to grovel to her for it. That's providing of course you get permission from her to leave the house.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 37
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 12:02:42 PM
I have huge issues with rejection. Not being rejected myself, that I am totally immune to, the issue I have is with telling others I have no interest.

Yep -- I think most people do who aren't emotionally selfish. It sucks. People having huge issues with rejecting others leads to leading people on because they don't want to, but if they do, it leads to bad reactions (which is why the hesitate in the first place).

Many people find it insulting to be rejected. Personally. Nobody likes to feel like they're doing that to someone, and ya never know how someone will react... just bad if they're really into you, and you're not into them.

I just have a real hard time telling a woman I am not interested in dating her.

Well, that's the easiER of situations -- the beginning, before anything starts really brewing.

So I usually will wind up going out on a second or even third date with this person trying to convince myself that it might happen.

Ooooh, big mistake. I think a lot of us have been there, but still, not good! :)

I answer every single email that I get in my box, even when I have no interest at all in the person. I think if they took the time to reach out to me, then the least I can do is respond.

No, that's not the least you can do. That can be bad. Just don't respond. You don't owe them that -- that's not courteous, if you're not interested, unless you respond saying you're not interested. When people write they shouldn't be upset that they didn't get a response if you're not interested -- Read/Deleted speaks for itself; it's not rude. If someone does get upset at that -- you can be damn sure they'll get upset at you "being cool" chit-chatting, then leading them on! :)

Basically:
1) Don't reply to emails of an interested gal who found you in a search, that you're not attracted to. You have no obligation to. At all. It's not skin off their back, as you're not the only guy on the site -- they will get their fill from some dude anyway.

2) When you're not interested in a gal, make sure you express that you're not looking for a relationship or to be Dating, but follow that up with a compliment about her... say it like you'd tell her your favorite football team. Your problem is just avoiding rejecting someone, right? Just avoid that part and take another approach! (okay, I'm having fun with this one, but seriously, it IS easier)

You don't have to have a big "talk" or confessional. If you're not into her, just think - "What sort of demeanor is NOT offensive/rejective, not outlandish, but would turn her off as if it's HER decision that she doesn't want to start seeing me?"

Steer the conversation in guys/girls/dating, and say things that she wouldn't find appealing about you, and that you're in no position to date when she connects the dots. Make it pretty apparent:
"Ya know, I like casual sex, no strings attached. I'm a guy, hey, I'm honest. It's just so much easier... that's why I'm not a fan of courtship. Ever been in a 3-some with another girl? GOD, I want that SOOO bad (or tell her you have if you have). Last week, I went on this blind date with this really pretty girl... and hey, you're pretty too of course.... and she described one she was in. I am so hoping you have! If you have, I gotta tell my brother about it... we share EVERYTHING!"

See? You're not rejecting her -- you're just turning her off. :)
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 38
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/13/2010 12:46:26 PM
Women take rejection fine in MOST cases op......... IF they are well balanced.


like the Mary said to John when she said she was pregnant with Jesus.

Come again?
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 39
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/14/2010 5:56:48 PM
What's the fear OP....Wimmins lurking in the bushes waiting to boil your bunny?


Interesting thing just happened. I got a email from a woman yesterday. I replied honestly that I went out on a few dates with someone and would like to see where it went before I started getting to know anyone else. she thanked me for my reply and I assumed that was the end of it. Now I am online a minute ago and got this email from her.


hmmm, makes me wonder why you're online if you've just started dating someone. Honesty would have been a better route to go ;)


I don't even know this woman and she is accusing me of lying to her. Me think she has some real trust issues when it comes to men. Can you say dodged a bullitt?.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 40
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/14/2010 6:13:07 PM
My suggestion would be for you to redefine "wasting time". Do ya actually go out on a date just "because" or do ya have some form of interest in the other person???? If you do have that interest and you decide to go on a date and then decide it's not gonna work, I wouldn't personally define that as "wasting time".

Didn't the Eagles write a song about this??????
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 41
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/14/2010 7:26:13 PM

I don't even know this woman and she is accusing me of lying to her. Me think she has some real trust issues when it comes to men. Can you say dodged a bullitt?.


why do you even care about what some woman says, when you totally do not even know each other??


truth and honesty is great....truly is the standard for a successful relationship

however- in the beginning- too much truth and too much honesty does not help at all.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 42
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/14/2010 8:58:55 PM


I replied honestly that I went out on a few dates with someone and would like to see where it went before I started getting to know anyone else. she thanked me for my reply and I assumed that was the end of it. Now I am online a minute ago and got this email from her.

hmmm, makes me wonder why you're online if you've just started dating someone. Honesty would have been a better route to go ;)

She noticed you as online in her recent views, figured you were still looking but just didn't find her appealing personally... and, though I don't understand her bothering to write you, she kinda has a reason for thinking that. Why else would you be logging in if you're fixed on one possibility at the moment? It looks like she found it amusing, anyway, given the smiley, so, no big.

Bear in mind that not many members are forums users (and those who are mostly know that you don't have to log in to your profile in order to log in on the forums). The majority of members log in for one reason and one reason only. I'm pretty sure a lot don't even know about the forums. I told one POF date I'd made some lovely women friends here and he was baffled. "Women talk to each other on there? How?"
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 43
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/15/2010 1:59:42 AM
Polite rejection is all good unless your getting 100 emails a day and then it's a full time job.

I disagree. A (non-famous) guy is not going to get a 100 a day... but in the end, a rejection is a rejection. Did they HAVE to write you to tell ya the obvious? :)

What's better?
a) Seeing a read/deleted, as a by-product of writing a stranger online who you don't know
b) Seeing a read/deleted, as a by-product of writing a stranger online who you don't know *AND ALSO* having this stranger also write you while doing so, to re-state the obvious, in a cut-n-paste-sorta-manner, that they aren't interested (in case ya didn't get it)? :)

I could see for someone who's hardly EVER had anyone give them the time of day, sure... or those who get mad at one scenario if it's the same thing over again, but would get mad at the other if that was pattern... but a handful of folks I think just self-subscribe to the notion that one is "Expected" to write back:

"In case you didn't notice the Read/Deleted, for the sake of courtesy, I thought I'd let ya know I don't find ya attractive, and/or you are SO not my type to warrant consideration, even though I'm single and obviously still on here checking out dudes/chicks..." [insert-see-thru-polite-version-that-can-be-seen-thru-by-5th-grader]. :)
 soicat
Joined: 3/3/2010
Msg: 44
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/16/2010 6:34:42 PM

Doesn't that mean you never really gave a crap about them, at all, they were simply an object?
I mean I can understand if you said you don't let it affect your behavior, or how you treat other people, you don't hold a grudge...but to be totally immune to something means it has absolutely no affect or effect on you whatsoever.
Which means getting to know them to that point meant nothing. Them as part of your life for however little time had absolutely no influence on your life.
And it ultimately means you were totally closed off from them, presented them with a facade.
So they never touched you, just the personality you showed them. So their rejection of you doesn't have any effect because it's not really you they are rejecting?

Do you have a habit of being the type of person you think they want you to be?
Is that the facade you put up? Your poker face?
Therefore you have problems with rejecting them because in order for the facade to be consistent it has to be what they want, and what they want is something that will work, where they aren't rejected.

Do you throw who they want you to be, mr. agreeable and nice and considerate, at them while allowing your hindbrain to work on how likely you are to get what you want?

IME that is how it's always been with people that have no problem being rejected yet are scared to death to do the rejecting. When they actually have to do the rejecting it is usually relatively ambiguous. Indirect behavior that the other can interpret as "break up" behavior. But it's never actually said (unless dragged out) just implied.

All of this is to protect the self image, the person under the facade.
It can be rationalized that they broke up with themselves.
Their faults can be rationalized as the reason.
The blame can be placed on the other.
"Old" problems dredged up out of context, that were not handled when they arose, now become a focus point.

Same behavior motivations as 90% of the self help forum topics.
The underlying issue being you have no desire to be in a relationship.
What you feel is you are supposed to be in a relationship.
Supposed to feel you want to be in a relationship.
You also see that as a way to pay people to get what you want from them.
But what you want is simply social validation. Acceptance, attention, being desired, ego stroking. No change in your life, no responsibility associated with commitment.
You go through short term relationships to get people to like you. Once you know they do, it's over.

That's what you want. That's the behavior you exhibit. But based on general society that is 'bad' behavior. And you want to be liked. You want to be 'good.'
So it's time to rationalize, tell yourself you want to be in a relationship, that you are trying to be in a relationship, put on the face that convinces people it's true, get what you want, then back off.



I don't care to speculate as to what extent if any these comments might apply to the OP, but Duckpie sure has my number. It explains a lot about what passes for my life.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/17/2010 6:10:58 PM

Interesting thing just happened. I got a email from a woman yesterday. I replied honestly that I went out on a few dates with someone and would like to see where it went before I started getting to know anyone else. she thanked me for my reply and I assumed that was the end of it. Now I am online a minute ago and got this email from her.



hmmm, makes me wonder why you're online if you've just started dating someone. Honesty would have been a better route to go ;)



I don't even know this woman and she is accusing me of lying to her. Me think she has some real trust issues when it comes to men. Can you say dodged a bullitt?.


What is up with these folks who check to see if you're online? Don't they have anything better to do? I don't *ever* check to see if someone is online. What do I care? Maybe they're reading the forums. There's lots of lurkers out there who read but never post. Good golly. Maybe they've got a friendly correspondence going on with someone. Unless you're *engaged* to them they're a free agent. Good grief!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 46
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/18/2010 8:30:45 AM
What is up with these folks who check to see if you're online?

You don't have to check for them specifically, it's actually pretty easy to notice. It will throw it right at you. Sending someone a message calling them out on it is too far just ONE day later, but noticing that isn't at all. It's pretty natural.

I once dated a gal from match and she complained about "stalkers" from there on our first date. Well, a couple months in she tells me about said "stalkers" from the past.

When they wrote her initially she wanted to be 'nice' and said she was just starting to see someone from online... then 3-4 weeks later, they'd write her (gasp) again and asked her how it was going! Why? She gave them that excuse (which is a common fibbing and non-fibbing one)... BUT if you're noticeable online frequently, it'll be questioned as an excuse OR some time has gone by, people will think you're now 100% single. I laughed when she called them stalkers. I told her "Hey, tell them the truth... some people browse a lot -- and if they see you marked as Online a lot, yeah, they'll assume you are single again".

What do I care? Maybe they're reading the forums.

You don't have to log into the core site (match-making) to log into the forums, though. But with the lack of the forum link -- someone 'taken' wouldn't be saving themselves any time logging into the main site if they wanted to check out the forums. Most people who view the forums will go the obvious route and bookmark it or google it to go straight there.

Unless you're *engaged* to them they're a free agent

Well, he temporarily turned her down because he was more or less taken (more or less told her he's not in position to be a free agent). As such, one shouldn't be shocked to catch that person online or recently online shortly thereafter (searches order them by last online) once in a good while. But if whenever someone is on, they see that person's on or was on very recently -- yeah, I could see them thinking "Yeah, he/she was just telling me that...."

With all that said, I think it was tooo hasty for her to write him the next day. Two weeks later, asking what's up and him giving the same response? Sure, then after that, it'd just be ballsy on her part to say that then. But always understand, in many geographic areas, people will see thumbnails of you up there -- and know if you're on or recently on if they peruse a lot -- without "scoping" you out at all.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 47
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/21/2010 5:30:56 PM

I have skills


I bet you do.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 48
Issues with Rejection?
Posted: 10/21/2010 5:49:12 PM

Are you still mad at me?
It's not good for you. Shouldn't be so mad


Why would I be mad at you? have you done something that I am not aware of?. Just because I might be on opposite side of you in a thread does not mean I am mad at you or anyone else.
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